Love to Hate You

by Jo Watson

  On Wednesday morning, when I arrived at work, I found a bag of M&Ms in my drawer. They had been opened and the blue ones had been removed. There was a little drawing of a sad face inside.

  My heart did a few somersaults as I power walked as fast as I could to the bathroom to splash water on my face and take a moment to regroup. After that I went back to my desk, picked up a file and walked to his office.

  “Hi.”

  “Sera?” He sounded excited. “Come in?”

  I shook my head. “Please don’t give me chocolates again,” I said without making eye contact.

  “There’s no rule that says I can’t give something to my staff.”

  “There is if it’s only one staff member. Please, if anyone finds out, they’ll assume …” I trailed off. “Just please don’t. Don’t make this any worse than it needs to be. Please.”

  But the next day when I arrived at work he’d given every single person in the office a chocolate. Desks everywhere were covered. I still got a bag of M&Ms and the blue ones had still been taken out and there was another little note.

  X, Y, Z

  I allowed myself one short glance over at him. He looked gorgeous, and for a small, stupid second, I stared at him, feeling that overwhelming sense of longing building up inside me again. But the longing was soon kicked aside when the anger came bubbling up again. I’d been vacillating between these two emotions for days now, and it was making me feel physically ill.

  But something else was going on in the office too—I could feel it. Women can sense things, and I was getting the distinct impression that both Becks and Angie suspected something. They were doing a lot of talking together, they usually never spoke. They also seemed to be looking at me strangely, unless I was just being paranoid.

  But there was no escaping Ben that week. On Thursday morning, I found him fiddling under my car bonnet—was he ever going to give up? I’m sure if I looked up the definition of stalker in the dictionary, I may find his smug little face there.

  “Um, Ben … what are you doing?”

  “I was just checking something quickly.”

  I looked at him and tried not to gawk. He was dressed casually: jeans, a pair of worn Adidas sneakers and an old t-shirt that let me admire all those tattoos which I hadn’t seen since that night in the car.

  “And what did you discover?” I asked, deliberately prying my eyes from his arms and looking down at my feet.

  “It’s the starter motor, and it’s quite a serious problem. I can’t fix it and you’re probably going to need to replace the thing.”

  My heart dropped when I heard those words. I’d suspected it was going to be something big and expensive, but I’d been ignoring it, hoping it might go away. In that moment I forgot how much I was desperately trying to hate Ben. “Crap. You’re not serious?” I looked into the bonnet as if I knew what I was looking at—I didn’t.

  “Yup,” Ben said, wiping his greasy hands on his shirt.

  The absolute terror must have shown on my face, because Ben quickly added, “I know a good mechanic, he owes me a few favors actually. I could phone him and—”

  “I don’t need your charity, Ben. I’ll figure something out.”

  “It’s not charity. I’m really good friends with a mechanic and he seriously owes me a few favors.”

  I gave Ben the once over. The whole thing sounded dodgy. “You know that makes you sound like you’re in the Mafia or something!”

  Ben burst out laughing. “I’ve missed that sharp biting wit.” He looked at me with eyes that, if I stared at them for too long, would make me forget every reason for not letting him flip me over my car and then marry me twice on Sunday.

  “Thanks for the offer. But I’ll be fine.” I turned and started walking away.

  “Maybe this will help,” Ben called after me and I turned. He was holding another envelope in his hand and my mind immediately imagined panties. I gasped.

  “No. It’s not that.” He smiled and walked up to me extending the envelope.

  I took it and looked inside. There were more $100 notes in there than I had seen in a long time. “What’s this?”

  “From the shoot. It’s what we owe you.”

  “Uh …” I pulled the notes out of the envelope and something about holding a handful of money that had been given to me by Ben made me feel a little sick. Like I was a cheap whore or someone who could be bought.

  “I can’t take this.” I put the notes back into the envelope and thrust them back to him.

  “Sera, this is what you are owed. For a job you did.”

  “I didn’t do the job, though. You stopped the shoot, you’re probably not even going to use my pictures. I didn’t do anything, Ben.”

  Ben shook his head looking exasperated. “This is money you worked for. You earned it. It’s yours. Besides, it looks like you really need it now anyway.”

  “I don’t need anything from you, Ben,” I snapped and started moving off.

  “I didn’t mean it like that. God, why do you always think that? You have serious money issues by the way.”

  “What?” I turned and glared at him. “And you have serious boundary issues. Not to mention a whole bunch more which I just don’t have time to get into now because I have to get to work.”

  “Fine!” He crunched the envelope in his hand and shoved it in his pocket. “Don’t take it. But let me take you to work.”

  “I’ll borrow JJ’s car,” I said making my way to the lifts. I pressed the button and folded my arms waiting for the thing to come down. It felt like it was taking ages, which was unfortunate because Ben took it as an open invitation to continue talking to me. He came and stood next to me in silence as I watched the floor buttons lighting up as they made their way down from the top floor.

  “What?” I finally turned to him.

  “Please don’t date anyone else until you decide to give me another chance.”

  “What?” I almost shouted the word out. “You can’t say that to me. Even if I don’t want to date anyone else, you still can’t say that to me.”

  The lift finally arrived and the doors opened with a ping.

  I looked at Ben once more before climbing in and closing the doors behind me. “Fuck,” I cursed loudly and leaned against the wall.

  What was wrong with this man? How dare he think I would ever go out with him after all that?

  42. TGI WTF …

  Friday was the day that everything fell apart. And when I say everything, I mean my whole world imploded. What do they say, TGIF? What crap, it was more like TGI WTF?

  I was busy on the phone with a client, trying to explain to them in the most diplomatic way possible that the deadline that they had set for the entire print campaign was unreasonable, and unless they wanted the creatives to work through the night for two days straight, it would be impossible.

  I heard the papers on my desk move and then saw a hand pushing them away out of the corner of my eye. I turned and looked up to find none other than the Blue Eyed collarbone assaulter sitting on my desk. I looked around to see if anyone else could see him, and they could. His loud throat-clearing had ensured that everyone sitting near me was now looking at him.

  “Uh, Giovanni … Hi.” I was caught off guard and I immediately looked over at Ben’s office to establish whether he was looking in my direction. He was not.

  Giovanni smiled down at me and leaned in, making absolutely no attempt to hide anything he was feeling right now. “Your pictures came out as perfection,” he whispered.

  “Oh. That’s nice,” I said as casually as possible.

  “I’ve come to bring them to Ben, maybe I could show you them though, maybe over drinks later.” He smiled again.

  I wanted this guy off my desk as fast as possible so I agreed. “Sure. Sounds good. Now if you’ll … I have to … photocopy something.” I jumped up and grabbed some papers off the desk and was just about to move away when Ben came striding out of his office.

  Fuck!

>   “Giovanni, I hope you’re not disturbing my staff,” he said rather pointedly. I wanted to die.

  “No. Not at all, I was just speaking to Sera about something. And I came to give you the photos.” He pulled a DVD out and passed it over to Ben.

  Ben looked down at the thing with what seemed to be disdain. “Uh, thanks. But you know you could have Dropboxed them to me. No need to come out here and deliver them like …” Ben held the DVD up and glared at it, as if he hadn’t seen one in ages and was absolutely repulsed by it, “this,” he finally said, looking back at Giovanni.

  “I’m all about the personal touch,” Giovanni said, flicking his eyes back to me. A look that did not go unnoticed.

  “I bet you are.” Ben’s tone was acerbic to say the least and it caused Becks and Angie to start staring.

  “Like I said … photocopy, photocopy, photocopy,” I waved my handful of papers in the air and started moving off as quickly as I could.

  “So drinks later, then, Sera?” Giovanni called after me. His words stopped me dead in my tracks. It was as if he was baiting me. Baiting Ben. He wanted to cause drama, he wanted to cause a scene, and he had a captive audience.

  “Uh, about that …” I turned around again. “I don’t think I’ll be—”

  “Sera’s busy tonight.” Ben cut me off before I could finish. His tone was downright vicious now, but Giovanni looked like he didn’t care. In fact, he seemed to be relishing it all.

  “Work related, I’m sure.” Giovanni gave a slight snort.

  “That’s between us, I think.” Ben said it snarkily and my heart started thumping in my chest. This was bad. I needed to stop this before it turned into something that would be talked about around that hypothetical water cooler.

  “Well, the photocopy machine waits for no one.” I turned and hightailed it out of there. But I didn’t go to the photocopier, instead I went to the bathroom and shut myself in the nearest cubicle.

  “Fuck!” I said to myself as I sat there, the heat and beads of sweat on my face you get from a terribly embarrassing moment prickling my face. “Shit,” I hissed at myself again.

  I sat in the cubicle for ages, not wanting to move, but knowing that I needed to eventually leave before they sent out a search and rescue party. I flushed the toilet for some level of authenticity and walked out. When I did, Angie and Becks were there.

  “Angie. Becks,” I said in fright.

  “Sera,” Becks repeated.

  I walked over to the sink and started unnecessarily washing my hands.

  “I must say a part of me is slightly impressed.” I looked up into the mirror as Angie spoke.

  “I’m not sure what you mean,” I said.

  “I just didn’t peg you for the girl that slept her way to the top. I mean I could sense you were ambitious, but in a few weeks … Ben and Giovanni. Like I said, impressed.”

  “What? No. It’s not like that at all, I didn’t, I haven’t, I … it wasn’t like that … it was … I …” The stupid stutter gave me away immediately and I could see it. My face flamed red and I couldn’t swallow.

  “So who was better?” Angie moved closer to me with a slyness in her voice. God, women were bitches.

  “I didn’t … . I …” She flicked her eyes upwards in a sarcastic manner.

  “Sera, no point in hiding it. Everyone can see it anyway,” Becks said, looking angrier than Angie did.

  “Everyone?” I asked, a slight panic in my voice.

  “It’s so fucking obvious. At the shoot the other day Ben was acting like a jealous fucking boyfriend when Giovanni was touching you, and then when I came into the tent he had some of your lipstick smudged on the side of his face, and then today at the office! Seriously, you could have at least been subtle about the thing.”

  “Oh,” I said flatly.

  “And here I thought you were my friend,” Becks spat at me.

  “Wait, this has nothing to do with us and you and—”

  “Oh please, it has everything to do with that, I just didn’t think you would stoop that low to get the job. How am I supposed to compete with someone who’s slept with the boss?”

  “Hey! It’s not like that,” I protested.

  “Then what is it like?” Becks asked. “Because I’m working myself to the bone here and you’re just boning our boss, no wonder he asked you to come on the shoot when you aren’t even on the account.”

  “I guess Giovanni was just an added bonus, though,” Angie said trying to hide her feelings behind a sly smile. But I could see what she felt. She’d set her sights on Ben, and then on Giovanni and in her eyes, I’d beat her to it.

  “Nothing happened with Giovanni and I. And when Ben and I … look, I didn’t know he was our new boss, otherwise I would never have … with him. Ever.”

  Angie forced a little laugh. Like she was going for an evil-villain laugh. The kind that villains give when they’ve thwarted the superhero’s plans and have him tied to a chair in their secret lair.

  “You’re good. I almost believe you. But take it from someone that knows how to play this game … I know what’s going on.” The she eyed me with total disdain, “I just can’t figure out why they both chose you, I mean you’re so … so, Sera.” Her contempt for and disdain for me was painted so obviously on her face that I melted in shame under her gaze. Suddenly, I was the trailer-park girl all over again. She had seen that in me, and was now seeing right through me. This was the schoolyard all over again. The girls who’d teased me and made fun of me because of who my father was and where we were now living. In one moment, I was transported back to that all over again. Becks and Angie gave me one last scornful look and then both walked out.

  And then I couldn’t help it … I burst into tears. I rushed back into the toilet cubicle and closed the door behind me. I slumped down on the toilet and let the tears flow. I wondered if I could stay here for the entire day and only slip out once everyone had left work. I looked at my watch, through my blurry eyes I could just make out the numbers … 10 a.m. That would be one long wait. So I did the only thing I could. I wiped my tears away, straightened myself up and walked back out there.

  I didn’t look up at anyone, although I could sense eyeballs on me. I walked as fast and steadily as possibly all the way up to my desk. I grabbed my bag and then started walking for the door of the building. As soon as my feet reached the outside, I ran. The cool air immediately made me feel better. That is, until I saw Ben standing outside having a cigarette. As soon as he saw me, he started walking towards me.

  43. It’s A No. 5 …

  “Get away from me,” I hissed at him, looking around to make sure no one could see us.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Away from here,” I said quickly and hurried to my car—OH, I had no car today. JJ had dropped me off. This was just getting worse.

  “Sera, please wait.”

  I swung around. “Ben, you have officially ruined my life.”

  “That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?”

  “No. This job was my life, don’t you get that? I need it and now it’s all ruined and everyone in the office thinks I am a total slut who’s trying to sleep my way to the top.”

  “But that’s not true.”

  “Try telling that to Angie and Becks who just cornered me in the bathroom and accused me of being the office slut, which they will no doubt go and share with everyone in that building.”

  “What?” Ben stepped closer to me. “Do you want me to talk to them?”

  “NO! No. Please. You have done enough.” I started walking towards the entrance, but Ben was hot on my heels.

  “How are you getting home?” he asked.

  “I’ll hitch hike if I have to.”

  “And land up on the news in a ditch tomorrow, I don’t think so. I’ll take you home.”

  “Not a chance in hell.” I continued to walk all the way up to the security boom. I ducked under it and walked out onto the busy road.

  “Please do
n’t. It’s not safe standing out on this road.”

  I swung around and looked at him. “It’s safer out here than it is in there,” I said pointing at the building that had once felt like a happy sanctuary. A place where I could just be a normal person. Where no one knew my history and I could just be Sera. The playing fields were level and it was a place where, through hard work, I could make my way up because I was good at what I did. Now it was none of those things. And probably never would be.

  “Please come back inside, or at least let me take you. If you don’t want to drive with me, let me get someone to give you a lift.”

  I shook my head. “I’ll call JJ or Bruce, one of them will be able to fetch me.”

  Ben stared at me as I pulled my phone out and called. JJ answered immediately.

  “Hey. Please can you come and fetch me from work. It’s a No. 5,” I said. This was our secret code. No. 5 referred to Coco Channel who always wore red lipstick, which in our language, meant code red. We only ever used this under the most dire of circumstances, usually pertaining to my dad when I couldn’t speak about it over the phone.

  I heard JJ jump. “I’ll be there in ten. Stay put.” And then he hung up. I looked over at Ben, “He’ll be here to fetch me soon.”

  “Then I’ll wait with you.”

  I shook my head and felt the tears well up in my eyes again. “You are just making this all so much worse by being here with me now. It’s only confirming everyone’s suspicions.” I glanced behind me back towards the building and there, as sure as day, a few faces were at the window looking out at us in curiosity. I turned away from them quickly feeling more ashamed than I had in years. “If you care about me, if you ever really, truly felt anything for me, you will leave me alone and stop making this worse.”

  I looked up at him and a tear rolled down my cheek. “I do care about you, Sera. More than I’ve cared—”

  I cut him off. “Yeah, yeah, you fucking love me!” I laughed at the absolute absurdity of the statement, I couldn’t believe I had almost fallen for that line. “You don’t even know me. You know nothing about me. You don’t love me, you have no capacity and space for that, I’m afraid you just love yourself too much.”