by Jo Watson
“What is?”
“His reason. It’s a really good one.”
I looked out the window; Ben was sitting on the cold, hard pavement holding his head in his hands. It was freezing outside and he looked like a sad, sorry, pathetic mess. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to illicit sympathy by pulling the depressed-pavement-sitter act on me.
“Go and talk to him,” JJ said, taking me by the arm and shoving me out the door. I clearly had no choice in the matter. JJ closed the door behind me and locked it when he saw me coming for it. It was freezing outside and I shivered. Ben stood up and looked at me. His eyes looked a little red, as if he’d been crying.
I wasn’t sure how to feel about this—My dad always cried when he was sorry. Standard practice at our house really.
“I’ll never gamble again. I’m sorry.” (cry, cry, cry) “I’ll never steal again. I’m so sorry.” (cry, cry)
Ben started walking towards me slowly. I rubbed my arms as the icy wind blew through me. Ben took his jacket off, and without saying a word, draped it around my shoulders. He did it so quickly I didn’t have time to protest, even though the last thing I wanted was an item of clothing that smelled like him anywhere near my body.
We stood in silence for a while before he spoke. “Thanks for agreeing to listen to me.”
“Whatever,” I said belligerently.
There was another silence as Ben looked like he was readying himself. He took a deep breath and began.
“Mei is my ex-wife,” he finally said.
“Ex-wife?!” This wasn’t starting out well at all. I didn’t know what shocked me more, the fact that he had an ex-wife, or the fact that he was in his early twenties with an ex-wife.
“We’ve been divorced for four years already. Truth is, we should never have gotten married in the first place.”
“So why did you?”
“She was my girlfriend in high school and she fell pregnant when she was eighteen. It was an accident and I thought marrying her was the right thing to do.” Ben looked at me. “It wasn’t. We weren’t compatible, and getting married just made things worse.” He paused and ran his hands through his hair again. “We fought constantly, we even fought on our honeymoon. We knew nothing about being married and becoming parents and I was young and dumb, and I was a shitty husband. I … I …” He paused again and took a deep breath before dropping the bomb, “I wasn’t ready to settle down and didn’t really take my duties as a husband seriously … and I, cheated.”
“Really. You’re not doing a very good job of redeeming yourself right now,” I said, folding my arms across my chest.
“I know. Not my finest moment.”
“Finest moment? Well, that’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one!” I was appalled.
“Okay. It was disgusting. It was wrong, I was stupid. I was twenty years old and I was a dick, bastard … . is that better?”
I didn’t respond. What was one meant to say to that anyway?
“But the things is, I was always a good dad. A great dad. I loved Li from the second I found out Mei was pregnant. I was the one who had to convince Mei to keep her, and I think that was part of the problem. She resented me for that, because she wasn’t ready to be a mother at eighteen. Who is, I guess?”
“Maybe she resented you because you were a lying cheat,” I snapped back and he looked up at me. He looked genuinely hurt. He started pacing up and down the pavement now, looking agitated.
“The whole marriage was a mess and a mistake from day one. But then Li arrived and I held her in my arms for the first time, and I knew she wasn’t a mistake …” he trailed off and I saw his eyes getting moist.
He stopped pacing and smiled to himself, as if he was recalling a memory. “I was obsessed with her from day one. We were inseparable and I admit it, I gave my daughter much more attention and affection than I ever gave my wife. Another thing she resented, another thing we fought about. Day in and day out. It was draining and we were always at each other’s throats and I couldn’t take it anymore and that’s when I …” He paused and looked pained. “It was a one-time mistake and when I told her about it, that’s when everything fell apart.”
“Sleeping with another woman will do that!”
“I know,” he said. A sad, defeated looked washed over him. Like a beaten dog. All that Ben confidence and bravado was gone. I wasn’t used to seeing this side of him and it made me feel very uncomfortable.
“Believe what you like, Sera. I wasn’t a great husband, I’m the first to admit that, but I was a great dad … I was a great dad. Cheating on your wife does not make you a bad dad. I was a great dad.”
He kept saying that.
“But Mei couldn’t keep those two things separate. I think her ego wouldn’t allow it, so, when she filed for divorce she decided to punish me for it. And she knew exactly where it would hurt the most—Li.” He started wringing his hands as if the mere memory still haunted him.
“She pulled out every dirty trick in the book, telling the attorney that I was a wild party animal, that I went out with friends and got pissed, that I was a cheating bastard, that I screamed at her in from of Li, that I was irresponsible. Some of the stuff was true, but the rest was blown out of proportion until she made me look like some partying, alcoholic sex addict. By the time she and her lawyer were finished with me, no judge was letting me near Li unsupervised. The irony is that Mei didn’t even want to be a full-time mother; Li was living with her grandparents half the time. I should have gotten custody, but she just did all of it to punish me.”
Ben stopped. He looked like he was in so much pain that, despite myself, my heart went out to him.
“Then she decided to move back to China with her parents. She got this big modeling job there, and I tried to stop her. I threw every last cent I had at lawyers. I basically bankrupted myself doing it. But she had custody and she could go wherever she wanted. She tried to leave the country without letting me say goodbye to Li, but I found out and went to the airport.”
He stopped talking again and turned away from me as if he couldn’t bear to look at me. “I reached them just in time, but Mei got her parents to take Li onto the plane. Li was screaming and crying for me, but they wouldn’t let me see her. And then Mei told me I would never see her again. I tried to reason with her, ‘just let me say goodbye, let me hold my baby and let me kiss her goodbye.’” His voice was quivering, and I couldn’t see his face, but I was pretty sure he was fighting back tears. “I tried to stop her and that’s when things went wrong.”
He paused again for a long time, kicking a small stone into the road. “I tried to push through the boarding gate, but the security guards stopped me and that’s when I lost it. I fought back, and I didn’t stop fighting until they had to physically restrain me. I broke one of the guard’s ribs.”
I gasped at this.
“Of course Mei just used this against me even more and filed a restraining order, even though we weren’t even in the same country. She told the lawyers that she was afraid of me, that I was abusive and dangerous and aggressive …” He turned around and his eyes sought mine. He seemed to be pleading with me. “I just wanted to see my daughter. I just wanted to hold her and say goodbye.”
“Jesus,” I said.
“The guard took pity on me, he’s a divorced dad too and dropped the assault charges, but the courts made me go to anger management and I’ve been jumping through hoops ever since trying to prove that I’m not some evil, aggressive person and that I’m a good father. I got a good job, worked my way to the top, paid my taxes, bought a house, acted like a responsible grown-up and stayed out of fights. I still wasn’t allowed to see my own daughter, though. And because of the restraining order I wasn’t even allowed a fucking phone call. Not one. Not on her birthday, not on Christmas. I would have given everything for one minute with her. Anything. Everything I do, every day, is for her.”
I stood listening to him, but I had no idea how to respond to any of it. It wa
s just so much to take in at once.
“Then she came back to South Africa six months ago and after more lawyers, and more fighting and more courts, the restraining order was finally dropped and I was allowed to see her again. I thought she would have forgotten me, but she hadn’t, she …” Ben teared up again and I stood there shocked as I watched a small tear travel down his cheek. “She remembered me and when she hugged me, it was as if no time had passed. But it had, I’d missed out on years and years of my daughter’s life.”
“But you’re allowed to see her again?” I asked.
“Yes. It’s still supervised, with a court-appointed social worker or her parents or Lerato. Lerato likes me though, and I think she sees how close Li and I are, so she turns a blind eye to us spending time together alone. But that could come back to seriously bite me one day. The other Saturday night when you came over, Mei was there inspecting my new house to decide whether Li would be allowed to have sleepover visits. My lawyers have been hitting her hard for joint custody, and I think she’s starting to get tired of fighting, not to mention seriously financially drained. But I know her. She’s looking for one slip-up, anything to use against me. And I know what she’s like with other women—” Ben looked up at me and sort of managed a small smile, “—especially women who are more beautiful than her. And especially women that I like. That’s why I sent you away on Saturday. Not because something was happening with her. But because I knew that if she saw you and I together for a second, she would see how I felt about you and God only knows what she would have done.”
“Why … why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”
“Because I like you. More than fucking like you, Sera.”
I shook my head. “That makes no sense. If you liked me, you would have told me the truth.”
“The truth? That I have an ex-wife, that I was a bad husband and cheated, that I have a daughter, that I was arrested for beating up a security guard, that I’m in anger management, that I have to check in with a psychologist to make sure I’m fit to see my daughter and that I’m not some aggressive lunatic, that my ex is watching my every move and waiting for me to fuck up in the slightest, that I’m engaged in constant, time-consuming and fucking soul-destroying legal battles.”
He started shaking his head. “That makes me sound like the last guy on earth you should date. But I swear, I’m not a bad guy. I just wanted the opportunity to prove that to you before you made a judgment based on my past.” He paused and a knot in my stomach started to twist. I’d said that before too, I also omitted tales about my past for fear of judgment.
“I just wanted you to go on one date with me, just one … I wanted you to get to know me before I dropped this on you. I know that was wrong and manipulative, and I’m so, so sorry.” He shook his head. “My life is so messed up and anyone who gets involved with me is going to have to put up with—”
And then he stopped talking and it looked like something dawned on him. He stood there, deep in thought for what seemed like ages, before he squared off and looked me straight in the eye with an expression I suddenly couldn’t read. “You’re probably right not to go out with me. I shouldn’t have dragged you into this. It was selfish of me … but you came along and I wanted to be with you so badly … I’m sorry, Sera. I’m bad news. You’re too good for me.”
He walked up to me and without asking, hugged me. He held onto me so tightly that it was difficult to breathe. I found myself wrapping my arms around him too, and I didn’t quite know why. He lowered his lips to my forehead and kissed me. Then he cupped my face and kissed me. The kiss was short, but so full of meaning.
I watched him walk away. I didn’t know if I was angry with him, or felt desperately sorry for him. I didn’t know if I wanted to hug him and hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay, or I wanted to fuck him, or slap him. He stopped when he got to the car and looked at me. He smiled.
“I’m still totally in love with you though.” And then he got into his car and drove off.
46. Your Madonna Is Way Better …
“Okay, so that was intense,” JJ said. We’d closed the restaurant and were sitting at one of the tables sipping wine. It was the first time we’d had the opportunity to talk since Ben had dropped all the multiple bombs.
I took a big sip, hoping it might anesthetize my screaming nerves. “I honestly don’t know what to think,” I said.
JJ took issue with that. “Um … what do you mean you don’t know what to think? You should know exactly what to think.”
“What?”
JJ blinked in disbelief and leaned forward. “Honey, that’s a real man right there.”
“Huh?” I shook my head. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Have you ever heard anyone be so brutally honest before?”
“No, but what’s that got to do with it?” I was starting to get pissed off.
“Hello, he’s not perfect and he can admit it out loud—even if he knows it will paint him in a crappy light. And he accepts responsibility for what he did. He admits his fault. Big respect!” JJ said this while holding his glass in the air momentarily as if he was toasting someone, then took a sip. “I’m not sure I could do that. Could you?” He shot me a very loaded look, and I knew exactly what it meant. I knew I also had secrets that I hadn’t shared with Ben. But at least I hadn’t pulled him into a very public lie. I was still not as moved by Ben’s confession as JJ clearly was.
“How much have you told Ben about your past?” JJ asked. “How many times have you failed to mention it so people don’t judge you.”
“So what are you saying? That I should forget what happened and go out with him? A self-confessed cheat?”
JJ shook his head. “No. Not at all. You’ve got to figure that one out yourself, but all I’m saying is that he’s the most real human being I’ve ever met.”
Bruce nodded. “It took guts to do what he did.”
“I suppose,” I said, “but he has an ex-wife and a kid, and he was a bad husband, and he beats people up.”
JJ spoke again, “Oh please! But he also got married at nineteen, and to a mad bitch by the sounds of it. Of course he was a shitty husband. What teenage boy wouldn’t be? God, I could never have settled down at nineteen. Let alone have a kid and be the kind of father he clearly is.”
“So that makes everything okay?”
“No, of course not. But sometimes you have to look at the full picture. Not everything is black and white, Sera. You of all people should know that. Life is full of grey patches.”
I put my head down and slumped forward onto the table, letting out a long and loud moan. “Urrrgggghhhh. But he lied to me.”
“We’ve all told lies to protect ourselves,” JJ said, throwing the rest of the wine back. “He’s also totally mad about you, by the way.”
“And that’s the other thing I don’t get about him. Why? How? He hardly knows me and he claims he’s in love. He’s obviously mad. And I could never go out with anyone who was a lunatic.”
“Love is mental, honey.” JJ tipped his glass at Bruce. “Just ask that one how he fell in love with me?” He smiled at his partner affectionately and I turned to look at him.
“I saw him doing a Cher impersonation at a club,” Bruce said.
“I do a really good one,” JJ piped up quickly.
“You fell in love with him when he was dressed as Cher?” I asked.
Bruce nodded. “On the spot. Love at first sight and I hadn’t even spoken to him yet.” He turned to JJ now. “Your Madonna is still way better, though.”
JJ nodded in agreement. “I know.”
I couldn’t believe I hadn’t ever heard this story before. It had never occurred to me to ask how they met; I just assumed they’d always known each other. “What did you do?” I asked, looking over at Bruce.
“Well, of course I was too shy to speak to him,” Bruce said. “I was this nerdy little accounting student hiding my sexuality, and he was this fabulous
, loud, performer who was the center of every single room he was in.”
“Little did he know how much I loved nerdy little accountants.” JJ smiled over at Bruce.
“So what happened next?” I asked.
“Well,” Bruce continued, “I just watched him. I went to all the gay clubs he was preforming at and would sit there and have a few drinks trying to pluck up the courage to speak to him.”
“For a whole year!” JJ added loudly while patting Bruce on the arm. “It took him a whole year to finally speak to me.”
“And what did you say?” I asked.
Bruce laughed. “I overheard him complaining to someone that he had no idea how to do his taxes, so I offered to help.”
I burst out laughing, “After a year, your big pick-up was ‘can I help you do your taxes?’”
“It worked, though.” JJ leaned over and gave Bruce a kiss on the cheek.
“But you guys were meant to be together,” I said.
“And how do you know you and Ben aren’t meant to be together?” JJ looked across the table at me.
“What?”
“He seems to think so at least,” JJ said topping up our wine.
“He said that?”
JJ nodded. “That guy has it sooo bad. And I don’t know … but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so messed up over a guy before either.”
He was right. I’d never been this messed up over anyone before. What was it about him? From our very first moment together in the car, it was as if something had happened between us that night that made it impossible to be apart. Maybe it had been the way he’d looked at me, as if he knew me? I’d felt so close to him in that moment, for some strange, inexplicable reason.
Love at first sight? I almost missed the whispered phrase as it raced through my head and then disappeared again.
“Aren’t you at least relieved that he wasn’t screwing someone in his apartment the other night, when he’d asked you to come over?” JJ asked. “At least he wasn’t that much of a bastard.”
“But he made me lie today.” My voice quivered. “I hate lying.” It reminded me of my father.