Love to Hate You

by Jo Watson

  I did a double-take at his words. “What?”

  “Right now. Right in front of you, you have the means to dig yourself out of a hole. How much is your sister’s med school? Twenty thousand rand? Forty thousand rand? That’s nothing for us. For heaven’s sake, let us help you. I for one don’t want to watch you walking around the house depressed and stressed about money. It’s becoming so boring.”

  “What?” It was all I could manage. I was downright offended.

  Bruce got up and moved over to the couch next to me. “I think what JJ is trying to say, is that you don’t have to carry all these burdens alone.”

  “Exactly,” JJ added. “Especially not when you’re going to get the money one day anyway.”

  I looked from Bruce to JJ confused. “What do you mean?”

  Bruce placed a hand on my shoulder. “Who do you think the beneficiary in our will is?”

  “Who?” I asked.

  “One day when we’re both six feet under, you’re going to get everything,” Bruce added.

  The stab of emotions I felt with that single sentence completely overwhelmed me. I looked at both of them dumbfounded.

  JJ tutted loudly. “Well, who the hell else are we going to give it to? We don’t have kids. If not you, we’d donate it to charity … drag queens in distress, or homeless depressed Chihuahuas or something.”

  I managed a slight smile through the tears that were starting to well up. Still … “I could never accept that,” I said.

  JJ stood up and gestured at me angrily. “See?! There you go again with your ‘woe is me’ attitude.” He started imitating me. “I’m Sera, and I’m not good enough to accept something like that.”

  Bruce held up his hand. “JJ. Just calm down.”

  “No,” JJ said and stamped his foot. “It kills me. I mean, your wardrobe, for heaven’s sake. You won’t even let me take you shopping! And you take on way, way too much. You work too hard, you look after your sister, your mother … who’s looking after you?”

  “I look after myself,” I said quickly.

  JJ shook his head. “Let us help. You do so much for us and you won’t let us do anything for you.” It looked like JJ had a tear in his eye and my stomach suddenly twisted into knots.

  I was in total shock. This conversation had thrown me completely. JJ stormed off to the kitchen and banged a coffee cup around. Bruce got up, too, but then turned and looked at me.

  “I know JJ is being a bit harsh,” he said, “but this is something we’ve been talking about for years, and it’s just frustrating you won’t accept our help, especially when we see you suffering in silence. Think about it, Sera. You don’t have to carry on living like this.”

  And with that, he walked away, leaving me reeling in shock. Had I just had my first fight with the guys?

  60. I Love You, Okay. Whatever.

  JJ was right about one thing, accepting help had always been hard for me—especially financial help. It always made me feel inferior. To accept money meant that I would have to accept who I really was. And that would mean having to accept what people had once called me at school, “poor trailer trash.”

  I’d been so determined to prove everyone wrong, to prove that I could rise above my situation, no matter how bad it was. But this had come at a terrible cost for me: A hand-to-mouth existence, debt up to my eyeballs, no savings and nothing to call my own.

  It was also hard for me to accept that Bruce and JJ wanted to do this for me because they considered me family. My idea of family was so twisted. Families destroy, they don’t help. They break things, they don’t fix them. They are cruel and hurtful and do more harm than good. I was determined to break that cycle with my sister. But, more than that, I felt that I needed to do it on my own, to prove to the world and especially to my father, that he hadn’t broken me.

  Going to Ben’s place now felt like the last thing on earth I wanted to do. Knowing Ben, he would know something was up the second I walked through the door—which, of course, he did.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked after we got into his apartment. He’d come back with a bag full of chocolates, which I’d started digging into the second he handed it to me. I barely tasted anything as I unwrapped two bars at once, taking bites out of both at the same time.

  “Have the chocolates done something to offend you?” Ben said with a slight smile. I shook my head.

  “I think I just had a fight with JJ and Bruce.” Mars Bar smashed. Kit-Kat gone. Next?

  “Really?” He sounded surprised. So was I. I was more than surprised. I was downright floored.

  “First fight we’ve ever had,” I said and stopped eating. I felt sick—too much, too fast.

  “What was it about?” he asked, leaning in and wiping a smudge of chocolate off my face.

  I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “They said I don’t accept any help from them, financially.” What had JJ said that had caused that stab in my stomach? “That I feel like I’m not good enough, or deserve their help. That I take on too much.”

  “They’re right.”

  “What?”

  “You do take on too much. I’ve seen how you work.”

  “Work?” Suddenly I felt attacked.

  “You work every night at the restaurant and I’ve seen what you do at work. You often do other people’s work and are often the first to arrive and last to leave.” Ben slid into the seat next to me. “Don’t get me wrong. It’s an admirable quality. But it’s too much. And it’s not just work that you don’t accept help with.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “That day you came to work upset, and I asked you what was wrong, you didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe I could’ve helped? Even if it was just to listen while you ranted?”

  Now I was more convinced than ever that Ben had chatted to the guys. I didn’t like this, and I certainly didn’t need it from Ben too. But he continued …

  “Sometimes you walk around with a dark cloud looming over your head. If you just let people in …” Ben said, trying to reach over and take my hand. I pulled it away quickly.

  “Jesus. Did you and the guys have some kind of secret meeting? Did you all agree to give me shit about this at the same time? I came here thinking that we were going to have a perfect, romantic, amazing night together after the day we had, which was awesome, by the way. I certainly wasn’t expecting this. Now I just feel angry and all I want to do is shout when actually what I wanted to do was tell you that I love you and—”

  I stopped myself—I said it—I hadn’t meant to say it like that. I’d had such different expectations for this moment and now it had come out clumped together in an angry rant.

  “Could you repeat that last part?” Ben asked with a smile that practically lit up his whole face. “I’m not sure I heard it.”

  I blushed at the thought of repeating myself. “I said I love you, okay. Whatever.” I shrugged, as if that would somehow make the statement seem more casual—it wasn’t. It was definitely one of the most “un-casual” things I’d ever said.

  Ben leaned towards me with that dangerous twinkle in his eye. “Okay? Whatever?” he asked.

  “No. Not whatever. Okay?” I chuckled at the absolute lameness of that sentence and tried again. “I’ve fallen in love with you, Ben. I’m in love with you.” I felt so vulnerable saying those words out loud.

  Ben didn’t say a word; instead, he stood up and took me by the hand, pulled me to my feet and marched me down the corridor towards his bedroom.

  61. Gangnam Style

  Okay, we’d had sex before, so why the hell was this so damn nerve wracking?

  I’ll tell you why.

  It was because of that damn glint in those dreamy chocolate-brown eyes of his. That confident swagger he had and that assertive way he took me by the hand and marched me down the passage without hesitation. Without even looking back at me. Like I was his. It was in the way he got me into his bedroom, immediately took his top off, and tossed it to the other end of the room. His
“devil may care” attitude was so ridiculously sexy—especially now. It was in the way he pointed for me to sit on his bed as he strode across the room, bent over and turned on the heater—how did he make turning on normal household appliances so damn crazy hot?

  But then, it changed. Ben walked over to the bed, sat down next to me and everything changed. Suddenly things between us started feeling awkward.

  “God,” he said as he ran his hands through his hair, “it’s stupid, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous about anything in my entire life.”

  I blushed. “Me too.”

  “I feel like a teenage girl losing her virginity.”

  I managed a small laugh. “It would be truly bizarre if you knew what that felt like.”

  “Okay,” Ben said, jumping off the bed again, “let’s start over.” Then he exited the room and closed the door behind him. I looked at the door wondering what the hell he was about to do. Suddenly he burst through it and strode towards me. I burst out laughing because the action seemed so comical. Then he slid up next to me …

  “Is this seat taken?” Those were the first words he’d spoken to me that night at the club. He said them in that same sexy, husky tone that had immediately caused me to go wobbly—it was having a similar effect on me right now. I played along.

  “Depends who’s asking,” I said, turning to him. His face lit up when he realized what I was doing.

  “The name’s Ben,” he said, then took my hand and kissed the back of it, maintaining intense eye contact. My hand tingled. “And you’re Sera,” he said. And then suddenly, as if a light bulb had been flicked on, I remembered something important about our first night together.

  He’d known my name.

  “How do you know my name, Ben?” I asked, still playing along in a sultry sexy voice.

  Ben leaned in.

  “I have a confession to make.”

  “Mmm?”

  “I’ve been watching you, Sera.”

  He said it in a way I wasn’t sure was a joke. Was this role-play or—no, surely not?

  “Watching me?”

  “For about three months.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, the first time I saw you was when my brother was performing.” He gave a tiny smile as he looked like he was remembering, “You were with JJ and Bruce and the three of you didn’t stop laughing the whole night. I think you guys were actually meant to be ‘in disguise.’” He gestured inverted commas with a smile. “But who wears oversized shades in a nightclub, right? You guys stuck out like sore thumbs.” He laughed at the memory. “And I thought, I’d really like to get to know that girl. The girl with the amazing smile and contagious laughter that had me captivated all night.”

  Okay. Pause. Were we still role-playing here? Had I told him about the night we’d gone out to spy on his brother? I wasn’t sure.

  “Tell me more,” I prodded.

  Ben moved in closer, bringing his lips all the way up to mine. He didn’t kiss me, though; instead, he gently and very softly moved them over mine.

  “Then, two weeks later, I saw you at another party. Seems we’re both on the same gay club circuit.” He shot me a knowing look and I smiled back at him. “You looked so damn sexy that night, and I wanted to speak to you so badly, but I was too nervous. So I just sat in the corner and watched you.” He smiled his devastating smile at me. “God, you looked so confident and happy, and did I mention sexy? Fuck, you looked beautiful that night.”

  I bit my lip a little trying to remember the night he was referring to. “Do you remember what I was wearing?”

  “Perfectly. That tight, black pencil skirt that drives me mad and your little corporate white-collar shirt that makes you look like a schoolteacher. And then JJ pulled your shirt out and tied it in that knot in your waist.”

  “I remember that.” JJ hated it when I went out in my work clothes.

  “And then he pulled out your ponytail, ruffled your hair and in that exact moment all my school-boy/ librarian fantasies came true. I tried to come over and talk to you but … so I basically went to bed fantasizing about what it would be like to be with you and kicking myself for not having spoken to you.”

  My heart started beating faster and faster as it was quickly becoming clear that he was no longer role-playing. This was real.

  “Why didn’t I see you?”

  “I told you, I sat in the back … and then I asked someone who you were. And of course everyone knows JJ and Bruce. That’s how I knew your name.”

  Ben kissed me. “Sera,” he said, then pulled away and looked me in the eyes before going in for another small kiss. “Sera,” he said again, then went in for a deeper kiss. A long, deep kiss. God, he tasted so good, I wanted to eat him.

  “Did you see me again?” I asked, reeling from the kiss he’d just given me.

  He nodded. “Seems you and the guys like to go dancing.” His hand crept onto my thigh and he kissed me behind my ear. “It was the most ridiculous dancing I’d ever seen.”

  An image flashed through my mind and I knew which night he was referring to. “We were doing our Gangnam Style impersonation,” I said, but the words came out breathy. Ben had slipped his hand in between my thighs and pushed them open.

  “You looked so happy, but then …” He stopped half way through the sentence and I knew why. I remembered what had happened next.

  “You took out your phone and your whole face changed. Suddenly you looked like the saddest girl in the entire world and I wanted to know why. And I wanted to run across the room and hold you. In that moment, it felt like you were showing me this other side of yourself, this vulnerable, private side. A side that you didn’t show people, that you keep safely tucked away, like me. But I’d seen it. And I felt like I knew you. I can’t explain it any other way, but from that moment I just knew I wanted you.”

  My breath caught in my throat. That was just one of the many nights that my sister had phoned me. I didn’t remember the specifics, but it was something to the effect of dad, gambling, money, stealing, maybe even a hooker.

  “That night I decided that, if I saw you again, I was going to talk to you, and ask you out.”

  “Wow.” It was true, everything he’d said. And finally it explained the way he’d looked at me in the car that night, as if he’d known me. It also explained why he’d been so persistent, so early on. Ben had been watching me from the dark shadows of the nightclub. He’d been fantasizing about me. It was just about the fucking sexiest thing that anyone had ever said to me in my entire life—slightly pervy … very sexy.

  I pushed Ben down on the bed and climbed on top of him, suddenly driven by overwhelming lust. The idea that I’d been watched and fantasized about made me feel so sexy and uninhibited. I pulled my top off over my head and threw it across the room next to Ben’s shirt. My bra soon followed.

  “Ben,” I said as I leaned down, our naked chests pressing into each other, “Are you going to keep your promise now?”

  “And what promise would that be?”

  I kissed his neck and breathed into his ear, “That you’re going to make love to me all fucking night.”

  62. The Cunning Hand Of Fate …

  Ben smiled at me. Languid. Slow. Sexy, and all for me. “I always keep my promises,” he said. “But not like this.”

  In one quick, fluid movement, Ben rolled me over onto my back and slid his body over mine. He felt hard against me. And heavy. I felt crushed under his weight and I liked it.

  “Oh Sera, Sera,” he said, staring into my eyes.

  “Yes?”

  “Nothing. I just like saying your name.” And with that, he kissed me. His facial hair was rough, his lips were velvety, his mouth warm and sweet tasting and his tongue soft. The textures and feelings all combined and mingled into something amazing and unforgettable.

  It’s one thing to have sex with someone. But it’s another thing entirely to be doing it with someone you’ve fallen desperately in love with. />
  Our clothes were off and there was a chill in the air. I shivered. Ben quickly pulled the covers over our heads and we were enveloped in warm darkness. The heat under the thick duvet suddenly made everything seem so much more intense and heightened.

  Ben kissed me again, but this time, his mouth traveled down my neck and over my breasts. It felt good. And when his warm tongue brushed my nipple, I inhaled sharply. The air inside the duvet was getting hotter now. It was almost too thick to breathe.

  “Mmm. You taste like chocolate,” Ben whispered.

  “Really?” I giggled slightly as his tongue came out and he licked me, as if he was really tasting me.

  “Seriously. You actually taste like it.”

  I giggled and pulled his head up for another kiss.

  “How’s it even possible that you taste that good?” he continued.

  I put my hand over his mouth. “Stop talking and just kiss me.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Ben came in for another kiss and I opened my legs, letting his body slide between them, wrapping a leg around him to make sure he couldn’t escape—he was mine now. The kiss soon took over our whole bodies and Ben ground his hips into me. My own hips lifted, swayed and thrust up to meet him. Over and over again. We kissed, while our bodies rocked together. Faster. Harder. More breathless. Until Ben finally pulled away, gasping for air.

  “Sera, Sera, Sera …”

  “Ben, Ben, Ben …” I whispered back, playing along.

  “You’re so fucking tasty I could eat you,” he said.

  I winced when I felt a little bite on my neck. And then one on my shoulder. Then my neck again.

  But then I felt him move lower. “I wonder what you taste like here,” he said before I felt a tiny nibble on my stomach. His soft kisses and warm wet tongue moved further down. He kissed my hip bone, my inner thigh and then …

  I gasped.

  “Ben.” His name came out fast and desperate as I felt the first tingle throughout my entire body. Every nerve—from head to toe—felt like it was on fire. The waves of sensation rushed through me like an incoming tide. Building, growing more violent, and more intense. I closed my eyes and threw back my head. It was all I could do as I was overcome with pleasure.