Love to Hate You

by Jo Watson

  With my eyes closed, more flashes of memory appeared: My mother lying on the floor after my father pushed her. My sister. And Ben. Ben hit my father. I suddenly felt a jolt of panic. Where was my sister? Was she okay? Ben? What had happened after I’d passed out?

  I turned as I heard the door open. JJ and Ben walked in carrying coffees. They noticed that I was awake and both rushed over to my bedside looking relieved.

  “Oh thank God,” JJ said, taking my hand and kissing it. “I was so worried you were going to die.”

  “Die? What happened to me?” I screeched. I immediately wished I hadn’t, because screeching pushed me over the pain threshold once again.

  Ben jumped in quickly. “JJ doesn’t mean die, die. You’re fine, just a minor concussion.” He sat down on the other side of the bed and took my hand, kissing it and holding it against his cheek. “You’re okay. Everything is going to be okay.” His voice was so soothing that I almost believed him. But I knew full well everything was not okay—not by a long shot.

  And then JJ burst into tears, loud wailing tears. “I kept thinking that if you died, you would die angry with me after the fight we had—”

  “JJ, I’m not dying,” I cut him off quickly.

  “Are you still angry with me?” he asked, looking genuinely worried. “Please say you’re not angry with me, or I don’t know what I’ll do!”

  I shook my head. “I was at first. But I’m not anymore.”

  He sighed. “Thank God!”

  “Where’s Katie?” I asked.

  “She’s upstairs with your mother.” Ben was stroking my hand and looking at me. He looked tired, like he had been up all night—he probably had.

  “What’s upstairs?”

  “Psychiatric ward.”

  “What? How did she end up there?” There was clearly a lot I didn’t know about last night.

  “After your father hit you—” Ben started to explain.

  “Bastard!” JJ quickly cut in. “If I had been there I swear I would have taken him down. Like last time.”

  I smiled slightly and Ben spoke again, “We thought your mother was having a heart attack, so we called the ambulance and you were both rushed here. But when the doctors saw her, they confirmed it was a panic attack.”

  “Her wrist and ankle are also broken from the fall,” JJ said. “Bruce and I spoke to the psychiatrist and he gave us the name of a place where she can get help.”

  “Help for what?”

  “Depression, anxiety, toxic codependency, pills … take your pick, Sera.”

  JJ was right. I’d been hoping she would get help for that kind of stuff for years.

  I sighed and shook my head. “She won’t agree to go. I know her.”

  JJ squeezed my hand. “She has. Bruce and I had a long talk with her and she’s going in next week after she’s discharged from hospital. I think the panic attack—she thought she was dying—and your father hitting you has her finally seeing the light. Last night was a bit of a wake-up call, for everyone.”

  “Where is this place? How much does it co—”

  JJ cut me off quickly. “It’s taken care of. Don’t start. I don’t want to fight with you again.”

  “And this room—” I looked around—a hospital room like this cost a fortune, and I didn’t have medical aid.

  This time Ben squeezed my hand. “Sorted,” he said and kissed my open palm.

  “My father?” I asked, my voice quivering—my father who had thrown a textbook at my head. Despite the pain in my head, my heart felt worse somehow. It was broken. Even though he didn’t act like it, he was still my father.

  “Bruce is booking the dickhead into rehab as we speak,” JJ replied.

  “What?” I sat up straight and grabbed my head when it thumped again. That couldn’t be right.

  “Easy,” Ben said then helped me back down and adjusted the pillow behind me. “Don’t make any sudden moves.”

  “How?” I finally asked when the loud throbbing in my head had calmed down. “Are you forcing him in?”

  “No, actually,” Ben said. “He fell to pieces after you passed out. Didn’t you hear him?”

  I shook my head. I hadn’t heard a thing.

  “He was the one that called the ambulance,” Ben explained. “He even rode in the back with you. Of course I accompanied him, but he wouldn’t leave your side. He was crying and apologizing over and over again. He didn’t stop.”

  “He always apologizes.” I teared up and grabbed my stomach as if it were in pain—it was. An invisible knife was stabbing me. I closed my eyes and thought I could hear him promising, over and over again, that he would get help. I thought I remembered him holding my hand. Telling me he loved me. That he was sorry. That he wanted to be a better father.

  JJ leaned in and put his hand on my shoulder. “He offered to turn himself over to the police, he was so distraught. Bruce arranged for him to go into rehab instead. We thought you would want it that way.”

  I nodded and closed my eyes.

  “Even though he’s a total asshole who I still hate, he does love you,” JJ added. “In some very fucked-up and strange way.”

  There was so much to take in. In one night, everything had come to a loud angry head. The chaos that was my life had exploded, leaving behind a huge ugly mess. A mess that had splattered all over Ben. I wondered what he thought of me now. Would he really still want to date me—especially with a small daughter—if this was what my life was like? I didn’t know if I could be so accepting.

  “Sera,” Ben whispered in my ear as he leaned in. “It’s all going to be okay.” He kissed me softly on the side of my face. “I’m here for you. We all are. It’s time you saw that.”

  I felt a soft hand on my leg and heard the legs of a chair scrape across the floor. “I’m going to give you two love birds some time,” JJ said before leaning in and kissing my forehead.

  I lay in silence for a while, listening to the sound of Ben breathing next to me. “I’m sorry,” I finally said.

  “What are you sorry for?”

  “Everything. How you’ve been dragged into this mess and—”

  “Stop it. I told you, I want to be a part of your life. Even the bad bits.”

  I managed a small smile.

  “I’ve wanted to be a part of your life since the first time I saw you,” he added. “I love you.”

  I closed my eyes when they started welling up with tears. “I love you too.”

  With my eyes still closed, I felt him stroke my hand. “Sera White, hey?” he said.

  I opened them again and looked at him, a smile plastered across his face.

  “Whatever!” I quipped.

  “We’ll see. We’ll see,” he said, coming up and softly kissing my forehead.

  Epilogue

  I sat on the lounger by the pool and looked out over the beautiful blue sea. I had that stuffed feeling from completely over-indulging over Christmas, but I’d also never felt more content in my entire life. So much has changed in a year and a half.

  I’ve been doing a lot of hair braiding, finger painting and have been reading a lot of fairy tales lately—Li’s favorite is Cinderella, of course.

  Bruce and JJ decided to retire and move to their holiday home in laid-back Cape Town a few months ago—JJ even decided to stop coloring his hair and embrace his grey. There were many tears, and long goodbye hugs, and dramatic soap-opera moments as if they were flying off to Timbuktu never to be seen again. (Cape Town is a short three-hour flight away.)

  Ben and I are still “stuck” in the extended honeymoon phase of our relationship. I have a suspicion that it’s not going to wear off anytime soon. He tells me he wakes up every morning feeling like he won the Lotto—he always did know how to charm the pants off a girl.

  Katie, too, is loving her well-deserved break from all the family chaos before she heads off to Med school, thanks to the JJ and Bruce scholarship fund. They insisted because, as JJ pointed out, they are both on the wrong side of six
ty and will no doubt be needing medical care as they age gracefully—and dramatically.

  But no one is having more fun than Li—who of course is completely stealing the show!

  JJ decided that his little holiday project was to put on a show with Li, complete with outfits, solo numbers, choreography and the whole bang shoot! My favorite moment has to be when he dressed her as Marilyn, singing Happy Christmas—instead of birthday—to us all.

  Bruce and JJ had left their apartment in Jo’burg to me. At first Ben thought he could DIY the merger of our two apartments by bashing a hole through the wall—they make it look so easy on the TV shows, don’t they? In the end, we contracted a team of professional builders and now we have one, huge apartment.

  Li has her own room—now painted “Frosted Tulip”, not pink. She’s been spending more and more time with us now that Ben officially has joint custody. Even Mei isn’t a major issue any more. She got over herself a bit when she realized the convenience of having so many other people willing to invest in her daughter’s life—a convenience she is not afraid to abuse—we don’t mind though.

  And Katie’s room is right across the hall from Li’s. Often, in the middle of the night, Ben and I hear the pitter patter of Li’s little feet as she sneaks into her “big sister’s” bed. Likewise, Katie sees Li as the little sister she never had. We’ve made a monthly date to go to the zoo as a family, and Katie loves teaching Li some new fun fact about a different animal each time.

  I’ve never been happier. I’ve even been opening up to people and have my first official friend, other than the guys. Becks got the job at the agency and one day appeared at the coffee shop and from that day forward, we’ve been inseparable.

  I mean, what more could a girl ask for? The man of my dreams, my sister, a friend to confide in for the first time ever, and our adorable little Li, all under one roof. I’ll admit that it was a bit strange falling into the whole ‘soccer mom’ routine, complete with the big mommy car and the school runs. Katie left the school she was at for a fresh new start, and now that Li is in Year 1, they both go to the same place. Every other day Ben drops them off and the strange looks he gets at the school as people try to figure out how everyone is related … is priceless.

  I’ve taken over the restaurant and launched the coffee shop next door. It’s been crazy. One of the biggest, strangest changes of all is that Ben’s brother now regularly performs at Big John’s … have you ever! When he and JJ met for the first time it was awkward for about ten minutes before he confessed to being absolutely star struck with JJ and in complete awe of him—oh how the tides do change when JJ’s ego is stroked.

  Mom has moved into a secondary care house after completing a stay at a treatment center. She pops in for regular visits at the coffee shop and it’s really nice to keep in touch with her and see how far she’s come since the divorce. Yes, the divorce. She finally did it. She’s still got a long way to go until she regains her former self, but she’s okay.

  As far as Dad’s concerned … I’m still not entirely sure how I feel. Just before we left for Cape Town for the holidays, I got a letter from him, a heartfelt invitation to attend his one-year birthday at Gamblers Anonymous. He says he needs to make amends. Ben offered to come with me and hold my hand, but I decided not to go. I still need more time.

  In moments like this one, I realize how happy I am. Sitting by the pool with all the important people in my life around me. Katie and Li are swimming and JJ and Bruce are in the kitchen making cocktails. And Ben … he’s next to me. Take a snapshot please and post it on a Hallmark card.

  When I look at everyone, I realize that I finally have the family I’ve always longed for—my very own, unique, crazy and amazing blended family with two ‘sort of’ dads, a man I love, a little girl and a big little sister.

  I look over at Ben and smile, completely content. He smiles back, reaches out and takes my hand. Something catches my eye. Something looks out of place and it takes me a few minutes to grasp, as I look from one wrist to the other, he’s made an addition to his tattoo collection. I notice the word ‘ME?’ on his left wrist first, and, of course, it makes no sense, until I look back at the other wrist … ‘MARRY’.

  MARRY ME?

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  Prologue

  I’m sorry, I can’t.

  I’m sorry, I can’t.

  I’m sorry, I can’t.

  No matter how long I stared at the scribbled note, the meaning stayed the same. I held it up hoping, praying that the sunlight would illuminate the other words that had been written in magic invisible ink.

  But nothing appeared.

  Just those four tiny little words…and yet they had the power to bring my whole world crashing down around me in an instant. Splintering and exploding into a million little pieces.

  I finally managed to pry my eyes from the note and found myself staring into the terrified faces of my stepsister and two best friends. They were looking at me as if I was about to have a celebrity meltdown, shave my head, and then poke someone’s eye out with an umbrella. They looked very concerned. Like I was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

  And they were right.

  I was.

  Tick. Tick.

  I was teetering on the brink of insanity. I could feel it trying to suck me in like an all-consuming black hole. The tug was almost too hard to fight.

  Did I even want to fight it?

  But what would happen if I let go? I knew I was in shock right now, drenched in a sort of numb, detached feeling. But I could feel the other hostile emotions bubbling their way to the surface and fighting to take control.

  I blinked. My eyes were stinging.

  I tried to open my mouth and speak.

  It was dry and nothing came out.

  I looked at my best friends Jane and Val, my rocks, the two people I could always rely on for help…But they said nothing. Not a word. Just terror plastered across their faces.

  I shifted my gaze to my stepsister Stormy-Rain. Unlike her name, she was a ray of tie-dye-wearing sunshine. She had the ability to turn even the most terrible situation into a positive. Again…nothing. Just stupefied horror plastered across her now-ashen face.

  I looked down at my shaking hands; they were crunching the corners of the note. My heart felt like it was going to break through the safe confines of my rib cage, taking my stomach and lungs with it.

  Rage combined with shock and gut-wrenching sorrow, and I snapped. It overwhelmed me, rising up from the most primitive part of my soul where logic, rules, and intellect wielded no power. This was a place of red, raw, uninhibited emotion.

  And so I screamed at the top of my lungs until my voice went hoarse and my throat was raspy.

  “Get me out of this dress. Get me out of it. Get it off!”

  My desperate fingers franticly ripped at my wedding dress, a dress that had taken my two friends ten minutes to get me into, thanks to the intricate crisscross ribbons of the bodice. But I was trapped.

  Jane and Val sprang into action, simultaneously grabbing at the stubborn ribbons, but it was taking too long. The air around me became too thick to breathe, and I felt like I was drowning.

  “I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. It’s too tight.”

  Val made a move for the knife that had arrived earlier with the room service, and, without hesitation, she sliced through the intricate satin ribbons. The sound of the serrated knife eviscerating them was like fingernails down a blackboard; it made my skin crawl. But I could feel the bodice getting looser and looser, until it finally slipped down my aching body and pooled lifelessly on the floor.

  I was finally free.

  And then the tears came. Hot, wet tears streaming down my cheeks and streaking my flushed skin with angry black mascara lines. The tears turned to sobbing.

  I looked at my dress, reduced to a pathetic puddle of ribbons, satin, and beads at my feet. But I still felt tr
apped. My hair! The perfect updo, held together with delicate pearl clips. Suddenly, it felt like every strand of hair was tightening around my head, like a boa constrictor going in for the kill. My fingers ripped, desperately trying to free it from its pearly captives.

  I wanted to get the pearl clips removed. Gone. Off. Out. I wanted to rub every single trace of the wedding away.

  I pulled out my earrings and grabbed the nearest tissue, rubbing my red lipstick off until my lips hurt. It smeared across my face like an ugly rash.

  If someone were standing outside the window looking in, they would have pegged me for a crazy person. And I wouldn’t have blamed them. Because somewhere in the back of my now-estranged rational brain, I knew I looked like a lunatic escaped from a mental asylum in desperate need of a straitjacket and drastic electroshock therapy. But how the hell else should I be…

  Because he…

  Michael Edwards—fiancé of one year, perfect boyfriend of two—had left me, Lilly Swanson, just ten minutes before I was scheduled to walk down the aisle. The bottle of perfume that he’d wanted me to wear today, insisted I wear, because “it was his favorite,” mocked me from the dressing table. So I picked it up and threw it against the wall, watching it shatter into a million pieces, just like my life. I was hit by the sweet smell of jasmine and felt sick to my stomach.

  What was I going to tell the five hundred guests who were sitting in the church waiting for me? Some had even flown here to South Africa all the way from Australia.

  “Hi, everyone. Thanks for coming. Guess what? SURPRISE! No wedding!”

  A wedding that my father had spent a small fortune on.

  A wedding that was going to be perfect.

  Perfect, dammit. Perfect!

  I’d made sure of that. I had painstakingly handled every single tiny detail. It had taken months and months of meticulous planning to create this day, and now what?