The Feria

by Bade, Julia

  “I have a chance to be in love, Mom. Be excited for me. Please!” Her daughter sounded so hopeful, so excited. A wave of hopelessness washed over Soledad. What was she going to do?

  “I don’t mean any offense to you and Dad, but I have never felt sparks between you guys. I mean you don’t fight, but Mom, you don’t fight! There is no passion, no heated arguments to make up over, no gentle, secret touches. Is it because you guys are old? Or am I missing something? Don’t you want all that love has to offer for me?” She cradled her mother’s face in two warm hands. They made contact with moonlit eyes. “I think of you often, Mom, and I don’t want to spend my life always looking like I wished I were somewhere else.”

  Words failed her. Her daughter had noticed the things she’d tried desperately to hide from her.

  “Mija, it’s different for some couples, but it doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other.”

  “But Mom, there is a difference between loving each other and being in love with each other.”

  Abril was right. There was a difference, a big one.

  What a mess everything was. Everything she had tried desperately to protect was unraveling quickly. What could she possibly do to stop it?

  Soledad heard a car pulling around front.

  “Daddy’s home.”

  “I’m sure he’ll be surprised and glad to see you.”

  “He should be surprised and glad to see you, too. Mom, when my husband gets home from work after being gone all day and night, I want us to be so in love that he can hardly get the key into the door and I can hardly make it to that door fast enough so we can kiss each other.” Her eyes were pleading. “Please, Mom, please tell me this exists.”

  She couldn’t lie to her daughter. “It does, mija, but it comes with great risks and uncertainty. Sometimes it’s worth the risk, but you have to also be willing to go on living if it doesn’t work out.”

  “Oh my God. You have been in love.” Her surprise dissipated, and another realization hit her even faster. “And it wasn’t with Dad.”

  “It was a very, very long time ago, and it still hurts to talk about it.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Her daughter put her hand over her mother’s.

  Soledad could not believe what was happening. There in the pitch-black night, she had suddenly found a confidant in her young daughter. How ironic that the living blood of Xavier, her true love, would now listen to how she’d loved and lost him. She wished her daughter’s soul could be one with her father, and he could hear everything she said.

  She told her daughter, who stayed perfectly quiet and perfectly still throughout, everything from the beginning to the bitter end. She did, of course, do her very best to protect the integrities of Abril’s grandfather and Emmanuel.

  “Mom, that belongs in a novel. That was the most beautiful love story I’ve ever heard.” She was eager now, sitting up onto her knees. Her youth evident, hope in her voice. “Mom, I love my daddy, really I do, but where on earth do you think your first love could be right now?”

  She only had one word for her daughter. “Happy.” She was now certain of that.

  “If he feels about you the way you feel about him, I promise you he’s not happy. The world has two people in it, on perhaps opposite ends, equally sad and sulky. I’ve yet to see you alive, Mom.”

  She took her daughter’s hand and squeezed. “You make me alive. You gave me a whole new reason to live.”

  “Thank you, Mommy.”

  The conversation was over. For now. They dusted themselves off and headed toward the darkened house. Soledad shot one last look at the magnificent sky, then she and Abril entered the house holding hands.

  She turned the kitchen light on and froze in shock. She felt her daughter’s hand go limp, and she stumbled back. Words escaped her. Abril began to cry, loud, noisy sobs, then ran out the back door. Soledad stood, mouth wide open, staring at the unimaginable.

  There, on her kitchen table, a maid named Norma lay with her dress hiked up and her legs spread wide. And there, there on top of her, in between her legs, was a sweaty and faint-looking Emmanuel, pants on the floor, unmoving with his hands still on Norma’s breasts. Realization slammed into Soledad. Emmanuel didn’t expect her to be home. He had no way of knowing they were no longer spending the night with Flor. The maids had no way of knowing she was home because she’d slept all day. It all made perfect sense.

  Soledad struggled to find the words she wanted to speak to her husband. Instead, she kept her gaze lowered as she backed away, then turned and went after her daughter. She needed to find her daughter. A traumatic event such as this would surely push Abril to do something drastic. She might decide on impulse to run away with this boy. She had to find her. Now. As she ran to the side of the house, the breeze brushed at her face. It felt good. While distraught for her daughter, she suddenly felt a smile crack her face. Understanding hit her all at once. She was free. Her father was dead, and nothing more could hurt or worry him. She was free to let go. If her family’s cherry empire fell, they could all work at something else. Status was no longer an issue. She and Abril would go live with Flor, and she would throw herself full-time into helping her brothers. She continued to run into the night, searching for her daughter, and enjoying the freedom that whipped around her with the fresh night air.

  Chapter 24

  For two decades of living in Emmanuel’s house, Soledad left with very little. She didn’t want or need anything tainted by her prison.

  Abril easily adjusted to her grandmother’s house. She was painfully angry at her father. She chose to side with her mother and didn’t care less what anyone thought about it.

  Soledad worried that Abril would have a hard time leaving the only home she’d ever known, and a beautifully large one at that, but at heart, Abril was a simple girl, just like her mother. Soledad, while sorry for Abril about how everything ended, was hopeful this would help somehow, someday, when she finally had to confess to her daughter that Emmanuel was not her father.

  Abril spent a lot of time away from home. Undoubtedly, with Alex. It was all Soledad could do to not scream the truth out at her daughter or tie her up so she couldn’t leave the house anymore. Only God knew what she and Alex were doing together. Soledad was sick over thinking of it, but she also took comfort in the fact that she raised a solid, moral girl. Something else that made her sick, though, was the fact that she was certain Abril had already told Alex what had happened with her parents. He in turn would tell his parents, and now Xavier would know how pitiful Soledad was. Instead of finding a bold, college-educated woman in love, he’d found a pathetic woman who did not go to college as she’d promised him, who could not keep a husband, and the very last flame of self-confidence had been blown out.

  “How are you holding up?” Flor came into the kitchen.

  “To tell you the truth, Mamá, I’m great. Is that bad?”

  “Actually, no. I’ve been sick over this. I feel for you, and I feel for my granddaughter.”

  Soledad thought of Abril’s real father when she replied. “She’s built strong, I promise you.”

  Her mother cracked some eggs into a black iron pan and began frying bacon in another. It took Soledad back to a time when she was a child and sat in this very same spot while her mother did exactly that.

  “I’m so glad your father isn’t alive to see this. No telling what he would’ve done to Emmanuel.”

  Soledad was suddenly angry. She was certain this would not have affected her father at all. Especially not if his business was going smoothly. Emmanuel had held her father by a leash the moment they’d finalized their business together on her wedding day. In fact, it was only death that had finally freed him.

  “Who’s to say?” Soledad gave her best attempt to shroud her disgust with respect for her mother, and her mother quickly caught on.<
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  “I think I’m going to move into your old room and let you and Abril have the master,” she said, quickly changing the subject.

  “Oh, Mamá, that’s not necessary.”

  “I won’t have it any other way. You two need more room than the rest of us,” she said, with what seemed like disappointment that the twins still lived at home. They saw it as staying with their mother to care for her since their father was gone. She saw it as two bachelors who wanted to take advantage of the set-up their father worked hard to build and a mother who could never say no when asked for pancakes and coffee in the morning or enchiladas at night or for washing their clothes. Soledad found it quite despicable.

  She and her mother both jumped at the knock at the door. It was a telegram. Seeing the little yellow envelope reminded Soledad of her cousin, Claudia. She used to fear the telegrams back during the World War since the War Department used Western Union to deliver telegrams of deaths, injuries, or other mishaps to the men at war. She wondered how Claudia was doing so far away in North Carolina. She made a mental note to write to her.

  “Thank you, sir.” Flor let the porch door slam. “It’s for you.”

  Soledad was certain it was from Emmanuel. But what would it say? They’d never had a relationship where he’d professed his love for her, sent her singing telegrams, or wrote her love notes. Could he possibly be begging for her to go back? She would die first.

  With a fast glance, Soledad verified that there was nothing on the telegram to indicate whom it was from. She was certain it pertained to something Emmanuel had forgotten to tell her or regarded something she’d forgotten to take. She dropped it unopened on the table.

  “Mamá, what do you think of Abril going off to work for Pan Am for a year?”

  Before her mother could respond, something struck her. If Emmanuel needed something, he would surely have just picked up the phone and called her. Soledad grabbed the telegram off the kitchen table and read it aloud.

  “Can you please find time today to make it to the south on the bank?” She stumbled with the awkwardly chosen words.

  Her mother approached her. “Todo bien?”

  “Oh, yes. I’m fine.” She continued staring at the telegram.

  The bank in the south. Well ... there wasn’t one. There was one in the northeast side of town. She often made it there in minutes from her former West-side home, if she drove through the Franklin Mountains. It was also twenty minutes away from her mother’s house in central. But there was nothing on the south side of town. Well, except for the bridge into Mexico.

  Who would know she was no longer at her home? Could it be one of her charity donors? She checked her mental calendar. Nothing pending that she was aware of.

  She worried about the simplicity, yet possible importance, of this telegram, but for now, she’d have to let it go. She was sure that the purpose would be revealed soon enough. She was also sure that the telegram had been delivered in error, and perhaps the correct one would arrive soon. Perhaps Emmanuel or the house staff had had it forwarded, which would explain how it reached her here. She could see Emmanuel being that inconsiderate, to just toss it over to where she was now staying, not even feeling the need to call to let her know it was on its way. He had never supported all she did for the community and several charities. Still, the telegram was a puzzle.

  Soledad and Abril made plans to visit San Jacinto Plaza later in the day. They were going to the alligator park to talk about how things were going. It was nice to be away from the pinnacle of all the stress. Even at Soledad’s childhood home, bad Karma had settled in and even traced the stairway where she had realized her terrible fate so long ago.

  “I love it here,” Abril said, “but it disgusts me that they would torture these beautiful creatures this way.”

  Her daughter was right. Today, with about a dozen onlookers resting against the wall that surrounded the alligator pond, was peaceful. But in the past at La Plaza de los Lagartos, the Alligator Plaza, and even as a child, Soledad had witnessed people there waving objects to try and attract the attention of the alligators. One alligator was even killed from internal injuries when people tried to steal him. They dumped him back in the gated area when the police arrived. Another time, one was stolen from the pond by a Texas Western student as a prank, and transported to the office of a professor so that he’d be welcomed by a living alligator. “Yes, it is a shame that people don’t understand respect.”

  Silence.

  “How is Alex?” She hoped her daughter would announce that they’d broken up.

  “Actually, really well.”

  Soledad’s heart sank. “That’s good.” She forced a smile. “How is my Abril?”

  “I’m really okay, Mom. Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself.”

  The chatter from the crowd buzzed in the background like bees, as the women stood side-by-side watching the alligators.

  “Of course I worry about you. What’s happened to you is a very big deal.” She hated Emmanuel for so dramatically affecting both of their lives. She’d tried her best to protect her daughter, and now realized that nothing had ever been in her control.

  “If you need to talk, I’m here. You understand that, right?”

  Abril slipped her hand into her mother’s. “Momma, I know. I promise I do. I hope I don’t offend you, but I’ve been sharing a lot of this with Alex. He is such a good listener. He makes me feel better.”

  “I understand.” Still holding her daughter’s hand, she tapped it on Abril’s side. “I’m glad you have someone to do that for you.”

  “Who is that person for you? You need one, too.”

  “You don’t worry about your mom. I’ve got it under control.”

  “I’ve been thinking a lot about Pan Am,” Soledad said hesitantly. If her daughter went to work for them, she would be forced to leave Alex.

  “Really?” Abril’s voice rose an octave. “Are you joking?”

  “Not at all.” Relief spread through her at her daughter’s excitement. “I’ve begun speaking to a few people locally who might be key in helping you get in. Not that you would need any help, of course.”

  Abril threw her arms around her mother.

  “My gosh, I can’t believe it. I really can’t!”

  Soledad returned her daughter’s enthusiastic hug. The first phase of her plan was going well.

  Changing the subject, she said, “You know, these alligators remind me of swimming, and the boy would always tell us that if we went into the river, we were going to be eaten by alligators since girls smelled better, and spit out into the Gulf of Mexico.”

  They both laughed noisily.

  “Did you believe them?”

  “Well, I don’t know about the other girls, but it kept me on the bank!”

  They laughed again, but Soledad’s laughter fell short. On the bank. On the bank!

  Soledad faced her daughter, smoothing a strand of hair from her beautiful face. “Mi amor, where are you headed from here?”

  “Not sure, just off to do nothing with Alex. Why?”

  Although her stomach turned at this, Soledad was pleased that her daughter had carved out time for her and felt badly about rushing off.

  “I forgot about an errand I need to run. It’s urgent.”

  “I’ll see you tonight?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  Soledad kissed her daughter and, on foot, headed south to the Santa Fe Bridge.

  Chapter 25

  As Soledad walked on the dirt path leading to the river, she was trembling. She wasn’t sure she had even solved the riddle, but with everything in her heart, she hoped she was right.

  She approached her Abuelita’s house on the left. A small, dirty-faced little boy hung from one of the pillars on the porch. She couldn’t help bu
t tear up. So many memories were stored in that house, and she could only hope that the family there had enough love to do justice to Abuelita’s home. It felt weird not being able to just go inside the house she had once called home. She was a total stranger to it now. She was a total stranger to herself now.

  As the sturdy dirt road leading to the riverbank began to mush into mud, her heartbeat pulsated into her ears. This happened to her only in the most intense of situations. One of those situations, coincidentally, had taken place here, hidden in the tall grass on the river.

  Soledad made her way through the muddy dirt road, now growing thicker, as fast as her weak legs would carry her through the mush. She had not been prepared for this march, and stopped to remove her sandals.

  What in the world did she honestly hope to find here? Him? She didn’t even know if the telegram was from him. She could not even make sense of the language. Perhaps she was putting her imagination, or rather her longing, to work. She didn’t even have a solid timeframe.

  She now accepted that she was insane, but her feet kept moving. Somewhere overhead, several crows squawked out their complaints over her invasion. With a racing heart, she finally made her way onto the bank. She was here, South of El Paso, in Mexico, and on the bank, the very bank where she and her true love had spent their time together so long ago.

  In her head, this made perfect sense. The only problem was that she was alone. It was rather pathetic. Of all the days she’d seen a river full of families, no one was here to distract her. The river was the only witness of her indiscretion. She wished for an alligator to come and swallow her. If she were lucky, that tale would present itself as true.

  “I’m so stupid.” She scanned the vast emptiness of the river.

  Deep breath in, hard exhale. She needed to get herself together. If she lost her composure here, she wasn’t sure if she was strong enough to bring herself back. The memories of what happened here would suffocate her.