Powerless Against You

by Elizabeth Gannon

  Gavin laughed, and I swear I could see him getting more and more nervous. “I’m… I’m flexible? I’ve only ever dated girls, but you’re… I really like you.”

  “Thanks? Uh, yeah, yeah, um, we could do this again. I did have a good time. I didn’t know… well, um, yeah, call me and we’ll set something up.” I managed to stutter out. He was too cute, and if I stood there much longer, I’d have to kiss him on his stupidly pink lips. Seriously, he had to wear lipstick or lip gloss or something to make his lips look so damn luscious.

  “Great, yeah, I’ll call you later.” Gavin smiled and patted my arm, which was about all I could handle. I got in my car and had to take a few deep breaths. I couldn’t tell what it was about Gavin that got me so hot just then, but I had never felt that way around the other man before. Maybe it was because he was into me. Was that egotistical? Probably.

  That meant Jake was right, dammit. It had been a date.

  ***

  I was glad Jake was asleep when I got back to our apartment. It meant I could sit awake in the living room and think about my life. Nah, I was just gonna watch some footage of Captain Awesome I had recorded. E! news was doing one of those investigative bio things, even though we knew literally nothing about Capsome. It was fun to watch, though, and they had plenty of raw footage the news stations didn’t air.

  It was really easy to just sit back with a beer and ignore the whole Gavin situation. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Truth be told, I wouldn’t mind dating him. It could be fun. I was worried I’d break him, though, or worse, he’d break me. I hadn’t had a serious relationship in a while. A long while.

  Before I knew it, I was on my fifth beer, it was three in the morning, and I was beginning to contemplate the meaning of life itself. I decided the meaning of life was definitely Captain Awesome’s ass. There were so many things I’d do to that ass. Hell, I’d do bad things just to meet the man who owned that ass.

  I sat up, watching the flexing of Capsome’s muscles on the high definition screen. I would do a lot of things just to meet the man. Taking another swig of my beer, I decided, yeah, I’d do almost anything. I could do anything. And then it hit me.

  I’d become his arch nemesis.

  Or at least a villain. I didn’t want to become an arch enemy, unless he would let his arch enemy do evil things to his ass, at which point, I’d take any title. But the point was, if I became a villain and created some explosions or something – like fireworks, though, I didn’t want to hurt anyone – then he would have to come confront me. I’d get to meet him. I could commit crimes that were showy but didn’t really do anything so he wouldn’t hate me. Villains and heroes had a bond, didn’t they? Professor X and Magneto teamed up plenty of times. I’d be the Magneto to his Professor X.

  Except our relationship would involve less genocide.

  ***

  “Dude, get up. Did your date go sour?” Jake, ever the thoughtful roommate, kicked me awake. The first thing I saw was the underside of our couch. Not a pretty sight. I rolled over, and the look on Jake’s face was actually less inviting than the underside of our sofa. “Why are you on the floor?” Jake frowned down at me.

  That was actually a very good question. I pushed myself up and looked around. There were two beer bottles next to me and several sheets of graph paper with schematics I did not remember drawing.

  “I musta fallen off the couch or something. Sorry.” I gathered up the papers quickly, unsure if it was something Jake should see. I’d designed some wacky shit before, and if I’d drawn up plans for some kinky sex machine while I was drunk, I didn’t want my best friend to see them. At least not until I’d actually built the thing and could guarantee it was awesome.

  “How was your date?” Jake leaned against the doorframe to the kitchen. It was his favorite spot; he could block my way to the kitchen and see the whole living room at the same time.

  “Bad, I mean, it was good. I had fun, but I didn’t know it was a date until the end.” I ruffled my hair so it stood on end and picked up one of the beer bottles to make sure it was empty. It was.

  “Did he try to kiss you?” Jake was way too excited about this development.

  “You know, as my friend, you shouldn’t take such pleasure in my humiliation.”

  “As your best friend, it is my job to never let you forget this humiliation. Besides, I told you he liked you. So don’t pout at me.”

  I wasn’t pouting. “Either way, it was embarrassing. We’re probably gonna go out again, though,” I mumbled, pushing myself unsteadily to my feet. I clutched the schematics to my chest and went to my room. Thankfully, Jake did not follow me to interrogate further.

  I flopped down on my bed with the papers still in my arms, letting them spread over me. My friends got way too much joy out of watching me screw up. I either needed to stop screwing up or get new friends. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t do either, but I could always dream.

  The page resting on my hand caught my attention. My drawing seemed to be a weapon of some kind. I didn’t like the thought that these sketches could be used against me someday. What if I got drunk and threatened someone? My life was a mess.

  I examined the schematic further and found it was a gun that shot ice. The propulsion system didn’t create heat upon expulsion, so the ice bullet wouldn’t melt before it left the barrel. Depending on the speed of the bullet, it might have the effect of a blank round. But it was most likely the bullet would have less impact. It would probably melt in the air on the way to its target because of its velocity. The plans weren’t perfect, most of them were only theories, but it was pretty impressive for drunk me.

  Looking through the rest of the sketches, I found many more weapons, each one modified so it wouldn’t do much damage, if any. Why would I have made a ton of weapons? I was an engineering student, but making virtually useless weapons was not my life goal.

  Then I remembered my breakthrough before my sixth beer. I was going to become a harmless villain so I could meet Captain Awesome. It was both my best and my worst idea. Or at least it seemed like it.

  I put the documents in a shoebox and shoved it under my bed. No one needed to see them. It was just an idea. I’d get a better one.

  ***

  I didn’t get a better idea. For the whole week and the next weekend I tried to think of a way to get Captain Awesome’s attention. Every idea I came up with was more stupid and ridiculous than the last. By the time Monday came around, becoming a super villain seemed the most logical choice, and I was itching to start assembling one of the weapons I’d sketched.

  It was harmless, really. No one would get hurt, and I’d get to meet my celebrity crush, no biggie. It’d be like role playing. I’d be the villain, and Captain Awesome would be himself and then we’d have super hot sex, fall in love, get married, and have super babies. Alright, maybe not the last one. That was probably not possible.

  A small rational part of me – a very, very small part – knew this wasn’t a good idea. It couldn’t end well. But most of me was pretty okay with that. I knew I would be distracting Captain Awesome from real crimes being committed, but I have always been a fundamentally selfish man.

  So I immersed myself in my new project, incidentally, ignoring all calls. Including the ones from Gavin. I wasn’t shutting him out on purpose. I was just really busy.

  Okay I was doing it a little bit on purpose. Just a little.

  This new development with Gavin had thrown me for a loop, and I just wanted to concentrate on meeting Captain Awesome, which I’d feel guilty for if I was in a relationship. I just didn’t want to be attached and Gavin was too nice for casual sex. He wanted to genuinely date me. I found it incredibly weird, but it was flattering, too. The point was that I didn’t know how to let him down gently, so I just kinda ignored him while I worked on my new project.

  By the following weekend, I was ready to put my first plan into action. It was simple. I’d created a type of stinking smoke bomb where the casing dissolved, leav
ing no trace of what had caused the stench. People would think it was a gas leak or a terrorist attack. They’d call the police, and boom: Captain Awesome would show up with them.

  Actually my plan seemed pretty terrible. There was no guarantee Captain Awesome would show up for a gas leak. I planned to shout some threatening messages with the bombs and then stick around to see if he showed up. They wouldn’t be able to trace anything back to me. I was sure I’d covered all my bases.

  My target was a bank, because banks are always the target, and let’s be honest, if you were a real criminal, you’d probably rob a bank. They have the money. I didn’t need any money, but I had to go for believability. I needed people to think I was a real villain or criminal, not just some dumb college kid with a crush-slash-obsession.

  I dressed in dark clothes and picked a bank downtown for maximum foot traffic. The stink-bombs were in the pocket of my hoodie, ready to roll when I let them go. I probably looked kinda suspicious, walking around with a dark hood on, but that was the point, right? I jerked my head up at the sound of Gavin’s voice. What the hell was he doing in this bank? My hood fell off and he broke into a smile, clearly recognizing me. Shit, shit this was bad.

  “Aaron?”

  “Hey, I didn’t know you went to this bank. It’s kinda out of your way, isn’t it?” Gavin asked with a kind smile.

  “Yeah, well, uh, I’m just checking out other banks. Mine’s kinda shitty, you know? Do you do your banking here?” I stuttered out, playing with the bombs in my pocket. Gavin gave me a strange look.

  “I do, yeah. It’s why I’m here.”

  “Great, good, yeah, does this bank have a bathroom? Mine doesn’t have a bathroom.” I felt like I was talking too loud, but no one seemed to look our way. Gavin pointed me to the restroom. He still had a worried thoughtful look on his face, which made me even more nervous. I felt like I was in a heist movie, and everything was going wrong.

  Thank goodness Gavin didn’t follow me in. I went to the urinal to pretend I was peeing. What was I gonna do? I could wait in the toilets until Gavin left, but knowing him, he’d wait out there just for me, no matter how long I took. He might even come check on me if I took too long. I rocked back and forth on my heels, thinking, when I heard a clatter on the floor. I looked down and didn’t understand at first what the small brown ball was doing rolling across the tiles.

  I blurted an expletive as the ball started releasing its noxious fumes. I’d fucked up; I had to do it now. The men’s room wasn’t the optimal place to start. I had to get out of there fast before someone caught me at the scene of the crime.

  Kicking the ball under a stall, I went back into the lobby. If I sounded the alarm people wouldn’t suspect me, right? I ran out, coughing, making sure brown smoke was following me. People were too distracted to notice me throwing two balls on the floor in different directions. Gavin ran to me and grabbed my arms.

  “What happened? Are you okay?” He pulled me into a hug. I was surprised but not unhappy with the attention. Gavin felt really well muscled under those clothes.

  “I’m fine. I just… some guy ran in, shouted something, and then I heard something metallic hit the floor. I thought he had a gun. Then it started to smell and so I got out of there fast.” I tried to sound incredulous. I think I pulled it off, but only time would tell. I’d scrambled the security cameras before I came in, so hopefully they wouldn’t show me as the only person who went in the restroom.

  The smoke was starting to obscure the lobby. Alarms were going off, people were coughing and shouting. It was chaos. The bombs really did smell awful. I wished Gavin hadn’t been there but whatever. Maybe if he witnessed me falling all over Captain Awesome, he’d stop trying to date me.

  “We should get out of here,” Gavin said as people started rushing for the door. I thought maybe I could lose him in the crowd.

  “Yeah.” We moved toward the door, but there was a lot of pushing and shoving. By the time I got out into the fresh air, the person who was holding my arm was not Gavin. The young woman and I looked at each other in surprise and pulled our hands away. Searching the crowd, I couldn’t find Gavin anywhere.

  Being below the average height had severe disadvantages. I could hear people gasping and shouting with excitement but couldn’t find the source. People finally moved around enough so I could see Captain Awesome had landed in front of the pack and was talking to the police. He was much taller and handsomer in person than on television. He rushed into the bank, giving me a glimpse of his fine ass. Capsome was everything I’d wanted him to be. I could have swooned, and he hadn’t even said anything to me.

  Vans with camera crews started showing up, and I wanted to get out of there, but the cops weren’t having it. They kept questioning people who’d been inside the bank and near the bathroom doors. By moving around strategically, I made sure they didn’t talk to me, but it was a close call. All the while I tried to look for Gavin, but I couldn’t find him, nor did I get another glimpse of Captain Awesome.

  The police held us for at least two hours, but without any new information coming to light, they let us disperse. I didn’t consider it a successful outing. A glimpse of Cap wasn’t good enough. Next time I’d better make sure Gavin wasn’t there.

  ***

  “You smell so bad. Do I even want to know what you were doing?” Jake asked. I stuck my tongue out and ignored him. I sent Gavin a text asking where he disappeared to and if he was okay, but again, I didn’t get a response. He was becoming a little shady.

  Three showers later, I still smelled like stink-bombs. I was glad Jake was there to tell me I stunk and it wasn’t just a manifestation of guilt or something. Then again, I probably would have been fine without him, because I didn’t feel guilty in the first place. Mostly, I just felt annoyed. My plan had worked, but just barely, and I didn’t get to talk to Capsome.

  Gavin finally replied to my text as I was climbing into bed. He explained he’d gotten lost in the smoke and Captain Awesome had gotten him out, but the nearest exit was through a back alley. Gavin said he’d been too embarrassed to go find me. It sounded kinda plausible, but something in my gut told me he wasn’t telling the truth.

  I texted him back that I was glad he was alright and a few questions about what it was like to meet Captain Awesome. I didn’t want to give him the impression I was suspicious. But I was suspicious.

  ***

  So in order to get the Captain’s attention, I figured I had to go bigger. Stink-bombs in a bank weren’t a big deal. I mean, these are the same banks people hold up with guns and stuff. Stink-bombs? What was I thinking?

  I figured I had to up my profile. I needed to be heard at the crime. I needed to claim it and then see how Cap reacted. It would be dangerous to be on site, though. Not only could I not be present, but I needed to establish an alibi.

  Thinking through all these pieces made me a little nervous. It was like I was actually trying to be an evil villain. It was just an act though, so it didn’t matter. No one was going to get hurt. That’s what I told myself.

  ***

  “Tell me about your latest art project,” I said, putting my chin in my hand. Gavin sat across from me, handsome as ever. His golden hair seemed to sparkle in the low lighting of the restaurant. I’d finally agreed to a date.

  He started talking about his project, something to do with colors and brush techniques and trying not to imitate any of the masters, because none of the great painters had been copying other painters, or so he said. I was only half listening.

  My telecast was scheduled to go live in two minutes. I had changed my mind about being on the scene. I wanted to see what destruction I wrought. I wanted to see people panic, but most of all, I wanted to see Captain Awesome and his perfect ass. It wasn’t a conventional courtship, I’ll admit that much, but I wasn’t a conventional kind of guy.

  “Are you okay?” Gavin asked, bringing me back to earth. I gave a big smile.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. That’s really neat.”
Gavin truly was a nice guy, and I felt bad I wasn’t giving him the time of day.

  Gavin slid his hand across the table and linked our fingers. I felt my face getting hot. Now I felt doubly guilty for deceiving him. The only reason I agreed to a date was to establish a solid alibi. Just as he was about to say something – probably something romantic and sweet and stupid – the TV behind the bar of the restaurant emitted a horrifying noise and flickered like there was interference. Gavin was so startled he withdrew his hand from mine. I breathed a sigh of relief but strangely missed the warmth of his hand.

  “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. You do not know me, but I’m about to become a very important part of your lives. My name is the Carnal Robber, and this is a warning to the city of Boston. I’m here.” I winced at the name I’d chosen. I really regretted that, but it had been four a.m. when I recorded the tape, and I couldn’t think of anything else. I wanted it to be sexual, because bad guys are always way more sexual than heroes.

  “And to Captain Awesome, good luck. I’m coming for you.” I tried to hide my grin, because I really did sound menacing in the video. It was exciting. Of course I couldn’t show my enthusiasm right now. In the recording there was the sound of an explosion in the background and then an evil laugh I had perfected. The screens went black and then resumed their programming.

  The whole restaurant was silent. Gavin looked like he was about to faint. He was pale and worried. Poor guy. If he knew he was sitting across from the “Carnal Robber,” he’d probably have a conniption.

  “Sorry… I gotta… excuse me.” Gavin stood and rushed to the bathroom. Maybe it was something he ate and not the actual broadcast. I’d have to ask him when he got back. I hoped it was something he ate, because if not, Gavin was kind of a weenie.