The Mystery of the Squashed Cockroach

by R. A. Spratt

  ‘Have you had any shortness of breath or chest pains recently?’ asked Fin, catching on and following April’s lead.

  ‘No more than usual,’ said the guard.

  ‘What about itchy feet and excessive dandruff?’ asked April.

  ‘Are they symptoms of heart disease too?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ said April sombrely. ‘Towards the end.’

  ‘If I were you, I’d drive straight to emergency right now,’ said Fin.

  ‘But I’ve got to look after the cockroaches,’ the guard replied, starting to get distressed.

  ‘Do you? Do you really?’ said April. ‘Don’t you have a family? Shouldn’t you be looking after yourself for their sake? Isn’t that more important?’

  ‘My wife would be angry if I had a heart attack,’ worried the guard. ‘She’s always telling me I eat too much cheese.’

  ‘Get to the hospital,’ urged Fin. ‘We’ll keep an eye on the cockroaches for you.’

  ‘You will? Thanks!’ said the security guard, before hurrying away.

  ‘Finally,’ said April. ‘Now we can do whatever we like with these cockroaches.’

  ‘What is it we want to do?’ asked Fin.

  ‘Check for dead bodies for a start,’ said April, opening the first box.

  Suddenly, the music cut out.

  April flinched and jumped back, thinking she’d been caught, but then there was the whine of feedback from a microphone and a kerfuffle up on stage. Everyone looked over to see what was happening, but April and Fin were the most horrified. It was their dad. He was wrestling the microphone out of the DJ’s hands.

  ‘Give it to me!’ demanded Dad. ‘I’ve got something I want to say!’ With one good hard yank he twisted the microphone out of the DJ’s grip, pulling him off-balance so he toppled over his own turn-table. Dad didn’t care, he turned to address the crowd. ‘Can you hear me?’ he asked, tapping the top of the microphone so small bangs echoed deafeningly about the room.

  ‘Yes,’ called several people from the crowd.

  ‘I’m looking for my children,’ said Dad. ‘April, Fin, are you here?’

  Fin started to move forward, but April grabbed him. ‘Don’t,’ she whispered. ‘We’re not meant to be here, remember? We can’t reveal our identities.’

  ‘I need you,’ Dad pleaded. ‘Joe’s been kidnapped!’

  Fin broke away from April and forced his way through the crowd to the stage. Dad was still looking out, scanning the sea of faces. He wasn’t expecting his children to be dressed as animals. Fin tapped him on the foot. Dad flinched when he looked down at the human-sized unicorn. ‘Are you one of them?’ he yelped. ‘Are you with the Kolektiv?’

  ‘No, Dad. It’s me, Fin,’ said Fin. He pulled open the mouth of his unicorn suit so Dad could get a glimpse of his face.

  ‘Oh, what a relief,’ said Dad. ‘And what a good idea to come disguised. If only Joe had thought to do the same.’ Tears started to well up in his eyes.

  ‘What happened?’ asked April. She had come over to join them.

  ‘Can we trust the reindeer?’ asked Dad.

  ‘It’s April,’ said Fin. ‘So probably not.’

  ‘I was in my office repairing some chainsaw damage to the wall when I heard them coming,’ said Dad.

  ‘Heard who coming?’ asked Fin.

  ‘The Kolektiv,’ said Dad. ‘They came in a helicopter. My first thought was to go down to the cellar and lock myself in until they went away, but then I heard footsteps on the deck. When I looked out the window, Joe was being dragged into the helicopter and it flew off.’

  ‘But why would anyone want to kidnap Joe?’ asked April.

  ‘To get to your mother,’ said Dad. ‘They can use him as leverage.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said April. ‘I’m not convinced she liked him that much. I don’t think it would work.’

  By now the music and dancing had resumed, but there was an increasingly loud pulsating beat that didn’t appear to have anything to do with the song that was playing.

  ‘What is that?’ asked Fin.

  ‘What?’ said April.

  ‘That sound?’

  ‘I can’t hear anything,’ said April. ‘Maybe you’re having a stroke.’

  ‘It sounds like a helicopter,’ said Fin.

  ‘It’s the Kolektiv! They’ve come back!’ exclaimed Dad. ‘Quick, run!’

  He grabbed April and Fin with surprising strength for a timid horticulturist and started frogmarching them to the entrance.

  ‘Dad, we can’t leave!’ protested April. ‘We’re investigating a crime.’

  ‘We’ll be the crime under investigation if we don’t get out of here,’ wailed Dad, practically pushing them down the front steps ahead of him.

  But they were too late. The helicopter was deafeningly loud. It was hovering low as it came in to land. Its floodlights lit up the ground, blinding April and Fin. They couldn’t run away now, because they couldn’t see where they were going. They could just as easily run right into the blades of the helicopter.

  ‘We’re doomed,’ groaned Dad. The fight went out of him. He still held tight to April and Fin, but now more for comfort.

  Everyone else from the Cockroach Races Ball was flooding out of the hall to see what was going on.

  ‘Buck up, Dad,’ Fin yelled over the sound of the helicopter. ‘They can’t kidnap us with so many witnesses.’

  ‘The only reason you say that is because you can’t remember all the times your memory has been altered,’ shouted Dad.

  The helicopter touched down on the bitumen of the car park. The next second the door slid open and a man in a tuxedo stepped out.

  ‘I didn’t know spies really wore tuxedos like James Bond,’ said April.

  ‘That’s not a spy!’ exclaimed Fin. ‘It’s Joe!’

  Joe was almost unrecognisable in a suit and neatly combed hair. He turned back to the helicopter, reached in and helped out a beautiful supermodel. Except, of course, it wasn’t a real supermodel.

  ‘That’s Loretta!’ exclaimed April.

  ‘No!’ cried Fin.

  It was amazing Fin could speak at all. He felt like his heart was being crushed. When tectonic plates spend millennia pushing into each other with unimaginable force, the pressure is so great that the carbon in the rock is compressed into diamonds. That is how crushed Fin’s heart felt in his chest at that exact moment, like it was being crushed so hard it could form a diamond.

  Loretta and Joe swept towards them. Joe holding her tightly as if worried that this terrifyingly beautiful girl would be blown away by the down thrust of the helicopter.

  The crowd parted, except for Fin. April had to yank him out of the way. Then the crowd flowed back into the hall like the tide returning. Everyone chattering excitedly with a new buzz of exhilaration in the air.

  ‘What just happened?’ asked Dad, beginning to wonder if his oldest and least-articulate child really was a spy. The tuxedo did seem to be a uniform for those people. It wouldn’t be the first time a spy had snuck past him and infiltrated his family. That was what his wife had done. Dad turned and looked at the helicopter. ‘Is that my helicopter? And was that the girl from next door flying it?’

  Dad reached in, turned the engine off and took out the keys.

  ‘Loretta had to make a dramatic entrance,’ sniped April. ‘She does everything dramatically.’ This really was the pot calling the kettle black, because April had quite the flair for dramatics herself.

  ‘Ah, Mr Peski, I presume,’ said Mr Lang, walking down the front steps of the town hall towards Dad. ‘We meet at last.’

  ‘Are you Kolektiv?’ asked Dad in alarm.

  ‘Close,’ said April. ‘He’s the school guidance counsellor.’

  ‘Is that your helicopter?’ asked Mr Lang, nodding at the keys in Dad’s hand.

  ‘I’m not breaking any government regulations,’ said Dad defensively.

  ‘Okay,’ said Mr Lang, ‘but the reason I ask is because at this year’s Coc
kroach Races there’s going to be a display of “Aviation through the Ages”.’

  ‘What’s that got to do with cockroaches?’ sneered April.

  ‘Cockroaches have wings,’ said Mr Lang. ‘They fly. Come with me, Mr Peski. I want to discuss the logistics of putting your helicopter on display.’

  Mr Lang took Dad by the arm in the experienced manner of a teacher used to grabbing hold of a child so they can’t get away. He led Dad back inside the hall.

  ‘I want to go home,’ said Fin hoarsely.

  ‘What about our investigation?!’ exclaimed April. ‘We’ve barely begun.’

  ‘I don’t care anymore,’ said Fin. He turned away and started trudging towards their house. He would have looked like a dramatic figure himself if he hadn’t been dressed as a unicorn.

  Fin was sitting at the kitchen counter, trying to encourage their cockroach to run towards the piece of cheese he had put out for her. He wished his mum was there. April was fine if you needed someone to seek violent retribution, but Mum always cooked such emotionally supportive pancakes.

  ‘I’m so depressed,’ he said.

  ‘I know,’ agreed April. ‘She’s a terrible cockroach. She never runs anywhere.’

  ‘Woof!’ barked Pumpkin as he lunged forward to bite the cockroach. He disliked it when April showed affection for anything other than him. Fortunately, she rarely did.

  ‘No, I’m depressed about tonight,’ said Fin.

  ‘Totally,’ agreed April. ‘We were so close to inspecting those cockroaches. If only Joe and Loretta hadn’t turned up.’

  ‘Yeah,’ agreed Fin. ‘It’s all Joe’s stupid fault.’

  ‘I’d blame Loretta more,’ said April. ‘She’s the one who knew how to fly the helicopter.’

  ‘He knew how I felt about her and he stole her from me,’ muttered Fin.

  ‘What?’ asked April, not following Fin’s half of the conversation. ‘He didn’t know you hated every particle of her nauseatingly perfect body?’

  Fin looked at April. It suddenly occurred to him that his infuriatingly self-involved younger sister may not have noticed his infatuation with their impossibly attractive next-door neighbour. ‘You know what, April. For once I’m glad you are a totally self-absorbed monomaniac.’

  ‘Don’t get all mushy on me,’ said April, punching Fin on the arm.

  Fin smiled. His arm would bruise, but he knew a punch that light was as close as his sister came to a gesture of affection.

  ‘So what are we going to do about these mysterious cockroach deaths?’ he asked. ‘The town still blames us for the killing spree.’

  ‘We’re never going to be able to figure it out using reason and logic,’ said April.

  ‘Because we’re not smart enough?’ said Fin.

  ‘No, dummy. Because no one in this town is reasonable or logical.’

  ‘But we’ve got to clear our names,’ said Fin. ‘I know you don’t like the kids here, I don’t particularly like them either, but I can’t go through the next five years of school being hated by everyone.’

  They heard the front door open and Dad bustled in.

  ‘You!’ said April, pointing at him.

  ‘What have I done?’ panicked Dad.

  ‘You’ve got a lot of junk about the place,’ said April. ‘Do you think you could build us a couple of bicycles?’

  ‘I suppose so,’ said Dad uncertainly.

  ‘Come on,’ said April. ‘If you can whip up a helicopter, something with two wheels and a chain can’t be too hard.’

  ‘Well, yes, in fact, I’ve got some old bike frames in my shed,’ remembered Dad.

  ‘Excellent,’ said April. ‘This will work perfectly.’

  ‘What are you on about?’ asked Fin.

  ‘I’ve got a plan,’ she announced.

  ‘You do?’ said Fin, surprised. His sister was more of a ‘punch now, ask questions later’ kind of girl. Definitely not a ‘think hard and come up with a structured response’ type.

  ‘We’re going to set a trap,’ said April, her eyes sparkling with menace.

  Fin was suspicious. ‘You’re not thinking about one of those bear traps, are you? With the razor-sharp steel jaws that slam shut. Because I’m pretty sure those are illegal.’

  ‘No, not one of those,’ said April impatiently. ‘The shipping was too expensive.’

  ‘What?!’ exclaimed Fin. ‘You tried to get one?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said April. ‘Last year when I was sure you were sneaking into my room to copy my maths homework.’

  ‘But that wasn’t me,’ said Fin. ‘It was Joe sneaking into your room to use your pencil sharpener.’

  April shrugged. ‘It would have worked either way. If I’d broken your leg, Joe would have felt bad and confessed. But that’s not the type of trap I’m planning to use.’

  Just then the house started to vibrate. In the distance they could hear the loud thwack-thwack-thwack of an approaching helicopter.

  ‘Joe’s coming home,’ said April.

  ‘Harrumph,’ said Fin.

  The noise became deafeningly loud. Through the kitchen window they could see tree branches getting whipped about and even torn off by the down thrust.

  The helicopter lowered into view, carefully touching down right in the middle of Dad’s best rose bed. If the wind hadn’t flattened every living plant, then the runners of the chopper grinding them into the soil certainly did. The engine cut out and the blades began to slow.

  The door slid open and Joe jumped out. Loretta got out too. She reached up and kissed Joe on the cheek. In the kitchen Fin stood up, his fists clenched as he watched them. Joe held his hand over his cheek and watched Loretta walk away.

  Joe turned and made his way to the back door.

  ‘Why did she land the helicopter in the middle of the flowerbed?’ demanded April, as soon as Joe stepped in through the back door.

  ‘She said it was important to have a t-t-target to aim for,’ said Joe.

  ‘How could you?’ demanded Fin. His arms were crossed and he glared at his big brother.

  ‘What?’ asked Joe. ‘I’ll help D-Dad replant.’

  ‘Ignore him,’ said April. ‘He’s just annoyed because I wanted to break his leg. I’ve got a plan for tomorrow and I need your help. The first thing we have to do is make two cockroach costumes.’

  The morning dawned of the Currawong Cockroach Races. The weather was perfect: bright blue skies, warm but not too warm. Optimal cockroach scurrying temperatures. That is, optimal temperatures for normal-sized cockroaches, not for two kids dressed as cockroaches and riding home-made bikes into town.

  Although, arguably, no temperature is ideal for someone dressed in a cockroach costume riding a bicycle. Mimicking a cockroach’s exoskeleton with household items had been no easy task. Cockroaches have surprisingly complicated bodies. Fin and April had used tin cans for the leg joints and fishing line to string the extra legs to their arms so they would move in unison. Then they’d made wings out of sheets of cardboard, spray-painted brown, and finished the whole thing off with brown bicycle helmets, ski goggles for eyes and coat-hangers for antennae. They may not have looked exactly like cockroaches to a trained entomologist, but they didn’t look like April and Fin, which was really the main point of the exercise.

  Dad had done a pretty good job on their bicycles. They didn’t look store-bought but they worked.

  ‘Hurry up,’ urged April. ‘We can’t be late.’

  ‘My legs aren’t as long as yours,’ grumbled Fin. ‘This isn’t easy.’ A tin can was starting to cut into the back of his calf.

  ‘It’s not my fault you’re a leprechaun,’ said April. ‘Just pedal harder.’ She accelerated away, leaving Fin desperately trying to keep up.

  The Viswanathan’s electric car sped past them, honking its horn.

  ‘There go Joe and Loretta,’ said Fin glumly.

  Joe and Pumpkin were travelling to the races separately. They couldn’t be seen with April and Fin in case someone
guessed who the giant cockroaches were and kicked them out.

  ‘You shouldn’t complain,’ said April. ‘Imagine poor Joe, stuck in the car with Loretta and her crazy Swedish au pair having to make small talk.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Fin sarcastically. ‘Poor Joe, stuck with Loretta and a tall blonde, beautiful Swedish woman.’

  ‘Maybe Pumpkin will bite them,’ said April hopefully.

  When they got to the gardens, April and Fin were astonished to see the size of the crowds. There was a line of people hundreds of metres long winding around the block. The queue slowly shuffled forward towards the entrance.

  ‘Why don’t they just climb over the fence?’ wondered April.

  The gardens were contained by a three-foot picket fence. It couldn’t stop a determined turtle. Any adult or large child could step over it if they wanted to.

  ‘The people here are too honest.’ Fin sighed.

  ‘Suckers,’ said April contemptuously. She stepped forward and swung her can-encased leg over the nearest part of the fence.

  ‘Don’t do that!’ exclaimed Fin, grabbing hold of her arm.

  ‘Let go of me,’ said April, shoving Fin. ‘People will notice if you make a fuss, you big twerp.’

  ‘No, I mean you don’t need to,’ said Fin. ‘Look, competitors have their own entrance with no queue.’

  April glanced over. There was a small gate with ‘COMPETITORS’ ENTRANCE’ written over it.

  ‘So we’re banned, but our cockroach has a special entrance?’ she asked.

  ‘Our cockroach isn’t suspected of mass insecticide,’ reasoned Fin.

  ‘This town treats cockroaches better than people,’ April muttered, as she swung her leg back and straightened her cockroach costume with as much dignity as she could muster. Then she picked up their cockroach and headed towards the gate.

  As they entered the gardens there was a palpable feeling of excitement in the air. Competitors protectively hovered over their cockroaches. Spectators milled about, buying snacks, checking out the aviation display and jostling for the best spots in one of the four big sets of raised seating.

  ‘Wow,’ said Fin. ‘I was expecting something small scale, but this is more like a gladiator’s battle pit.’