The Mystery of the Squashed Cockroach

by R. A. Spratt

  ‘Quick, someone stop him!’ yelled April.

  Unfortunately, the average person is inherently reluctant to crash-tackle an octogenarian, no matter how wicked he might be. Joe got to his feet, responding to his sister’s cry, but he was in the middle of the crowd so he had to politely say ‘excuse me’ ten times and wait for everyone in his row to tuck their knees in before he could get out.

  April and Fin took off after Coach Voss with Constable Pike close behind, but the coach had already made it to the hot air balloon in the corner of the gardens. He vaulted into the basket and yanked free the tethers, one after another.

  ‘Stop!’ cried Fin.

  April was closest. She leapt forward to grab hold of the basket but her fingertips just skimmed the outside of the wicker as the balloon lifted up off the ground. Pumpkin ran right over the top of her, yapping and bravely leaping at the basket himself. But he was only thirty centimetres tall, so he didn’t get far off the ground before crashing down onto April’s head.

  By the time Constable Pike and Fin had caught up, and April was back on her feet, the balloon was already several metres up in the air. Joe ran over and leapt as high as he could, but he only managed to nudge the basket with his hands. There was nothing for him to grab on to.

  ‘When I was a boy the Cockroach Cup was stolen from me,’ yelled Coach Voss, his voice full of emotion. ‘I never forgive and I never forget!’

  With that, he reached up and tugged on the fuel line. A burst of flame billowed up and the hot air balloon accelerated fractionally. It was slowly and gracefully raising into the sky. The rest of the crowd had made their way over now. Several thousand people were gathered, watching the balloon gradually drift away.

  ‘This has to be the slowest criminal getaway ever in history,’ said Fin.

  April turned to the crowd. ‘Is there anybody here who has a grappling hook?

  No one responded.

  ‘When have you ever seen a grappling hook anywhere other than in a cartoon?’ asked Fin.

  ‘Well, it would be totally useful if we had one right now!’ said April. ‘We’ve got a deranged lunatic making the slowest escape imaginable. If we had a big heavy hook, we could just pull him back down here.’

  A sandbag thudded to the ground, narrowly missing April’s head. ‘Hey!’ she cried, looking up.

  ‘I can hear you,’ said Coach Voss. ‘I heard you call me a deranged lunatic.’

  ‘Well, you are one,’ said April.

  Another sandbag hurtled downwards, straight at April. Luckily, Joe had fast reflexes and by pushing his sister hard to the ground the sandbag just missed her.

  ‘That hurt!’ April yelled at Joe.

  ‘A sandbag on the head would have hurt more.’ Joe shrugged.

  ‘We’ve got to stop him,’ said Fin. ‘He’s moving slowly now, but once he gets higher up the winds are faster. He’ll be crossing the coast in a couple of hours.’

  ‘There’s nothing we can do,’ said April. ‘We don’t have a grappling hook, and Constable Pike is too much of a wimp to shoot him down.’

  ‘It’s my job to uphold the law, not break it,’ protested Constable Pike.

  ‘Like I said,’ said April. ‘A wimp.’

  ‘If only we had another hot air balloon,’ said Fin. ‘We could give chase.’

  ‘We do have a h-h-helicopter,’ Joe pointed out, ‘and Loretta knows how to fly it.’

  ‘That sounds like fun!’ said Loretta, joining them. ‘I’m so glad your family moved to Currawong. You have the best ideas for group activities.’

  ‘Let’s go!’ said April.

  April, Fin, Joe, Pumpkin and Loretta ran over to Dad’s helicopter.

  ‘I can’t condone this!’ yelled Constable Pike.

  ‘Quick, Loretta,’ said April. ‘Turn the helicopter on so we can’t hear Constable Boring-Pants.’

  Loretta put on the headset and flicked a few switches. The engine rumbled to life and the rotors slowly began to turn, rapidly accelerating to a whip-like pace. The crowd fell back to give the helicopter, and its alarmingly young pilot, plenty of room.

  ‘Let’s rock and roll!’ cried Loretta, with a crazed gleam in her eye.

  As Loretta pushed in the throttle and pulled back the joystick, the helicopter lifted off the ground. They flew up high above the gardens. Soon they could see the whole town from a bird’s-eye view.

  ‘Currawong really is tiny,’ said Fin, looking out the window.

  ‘Over there,’ said Joe, pointing to the east. The hot air balloon was just above them and travelling quickly now on the higher winds. It was already several kilometres away. But several kilometres isn’t far for a helicopter.

  ‘Roger that,’ said Loretta. She adjusted the controls and they took off after the deranged lawn bowls coach.

  Up ahead, the balloon was rising swiftly. Coach Voss had the fuel on full throttle and the thinner the air, the quicker it rose.

  ‘What are we going to do when we catch up with him?’ asked Fin.

  ‘Do you want me to ram him with the helicopter?’ asked Loretta.

  ‘No!’ cried Joe.

  ‘We’d probably get in trouble if we murdered him,’ reasoned April.

  ‘Plus we’d die when the helicopter got tangled in the balloon and plummeted to the ground,’ said Fin.

  ‘So what’s the p-p-plan?’ asked Joe.

  ‘Get above him,’ said April. ‘I’ve got an idea.’

  Loretta yanked the joystick back and the helicopter started flying upwards at a forty-five-degree angle. The others were pushed back into their seats by the acceleration.

  ‘We’re going to crash!’ exclaimed Fin.

  ‘Silly-billy,’ said Loretta. ‘I never crash.’

  ‘You crash through Dad’s flowerbeds all the time with your horse,’ said Fin.

  ‘That’s the horse, not me,’ said Loretta.

  The helicopter straightened out and was travelling directly upwards now. It rose past the basket of the balloon.

  The coach shook his fist and yelled something abusive at them, but they couldn’t hear over the noise of the rotors. Although if you could read lips it was something like, ‘You pesky Peski kids!’

  The helicopter kept rising alongside the plump rainbow-striped silk of the balloon. As they passed the widest point the blades came dangerously close, but did not quite touch the fabric. Then they were in the clear blue sky above it.

  ‘Now move over the top,’ urged April, as she tied Pumpkin to a seat.

  Loretta adjusted the controls. Now the helicopter was moving upwards at the same speed as the balloon, but positioned directly above it. The downforce of the helicopter was making the top of the balloon buffet and ripple.

  ‘Perfect,’ said April, unbuckling her own seatbelt.

  ‘What are you d-d-doing?’ panicked Joe.

  ‘Going to get him, duh,’ said April, as she slid open the door.

  ‘You’re out of your mind!’ yelled Fin.

  ‘Yes, I am,’ agreed April, before leaping out.

  ‘Nooooo!’ cried Joe, frantically trying to get his own seatbelt undone.

  Fin slipped out of his first, clambered to the door and looked down. April was lying flat on her back on top of the huge balloon with a big grin on her face. She bounced up and down a bit. The top of the balloon was like a huge jumping castle.

  Suddenly, the helicopter was hit by a gust of wind. Loretta jerked the controls to compensate. She couldn’t afford to get any closer to the balloon, but Fin’s hands were so sweaty from fear that they slipped on the doorjamb. He fell. He scrunched his eyes shut tight. If he was going to die, he didn’t want to see, but then it was like he hit a giant pillow. He opened his eyes and there was his crazy sister smiling at him.

  ‘Fun, hey?!’ she bellowed.

  The balloon was covered in a large rope net. This gave it stability, but also acted like a climbing rig. April grabbed hold of the ropes and started climbing down the rungs. Fin did not want to be left alone on top o
f a hot air balloon thousands of feet in the air, so he followed.

  Up in the helicopter, Joe didn’t know what to do. He had no idea what April was thinking. He didn’t see how jumping onto a hot air balloon could possibly help matters at all. He also didn’t understand why people were so upset about someone killing cockroaches. But deep inside his chest a primal brotherly instinct stirred. If something dreadful was going to happen to his brother and sister (as it surely was), he couldn’t let it happen to them alone. He glanced back at Loretta. She turned and caught his eye. She really was stunningly beautiful. That was Joe’s last thought before he threw himself out of the door.

  Joe was not quite as good a shot as April and Fin. He missed the top of the balloon and skidded straight over the side. Survival instincts kicked in and Joe desperately scrabbled at the side of the balloon. His grip locked on to one of the ropes and he was able to catch himself before he fell.

  Joe hung on to the side, gripping so tight he could see the balloon tremble in front of his face because of the uncontrollable shaking of his hands.

  ‘Nice one, Joe,’ said April enthusiastically.

  It was quieter now. The helicopter had pulled away. April’s voice sounded normal, like they were in their kitchen at home. Joe hoped he wasn’t dead and that the angels in heaven didn’t sound like April. That would be too cruel. He cautiously turned his head and saw his sister beaming at him. She was holding on to the ropes casually as if she were playing on the monkey bars in a playground, not hanging impossibly high in the sky.

  ‘Come on,’ said April. ‘Let’s get him.’

  At that moment, Joe wished with all his heart that his sister had been swapped at birth with a quieter baby. He wanted to be supportive but his fingers wouldn’t unclench, so there was no way he was going anywhere.

  Suddenly, something stamped down on Joe’s head. ‘Ow!’ He looked up to see Fin standing on him.

  ‘Get out of the way, Joe,’ said Fin. ‘We can’t hang here all day.’

  Joe realised he was now holding the rope one handed because he’d released his other hand to rub his head. Now that his hand was moving, he was able to persuade the rest of his body to follow suit as he slowly and nervously descended towards the basket.

  April was already at the bottom edge of the balloon waiting for him and Fin.

  ‘Let’s all swing into the basket together,’ she whispered.

  Joe was horrified. He didn’t want to swing anywhere. He could drop or stagger or carefully lower, but he didn’t want to ‘swing’. He caught a glimpse of the ground far below them. They must be hundreds of metres up now. The trees and buildings looked like tiny toys.

  ‘On the count of three,’ said April. ‘One … two …’

  At that moment, there was another gust of wind and the balloon lurched to one side. Fin lost his grip and dropped.

  ‘Aaagghh!’ he cried.

  ‘No!’ bellowed Joe. He snatched Fin’s wrist as he fell past. Fin clutched on to his brother’s forearm with both hands.

  Coach Voss leaned out of the balloon and saw them all hanging there.

  ‘What are you doing?’ he demanded.

  ‘Yoga,’ said April sarcastically. ‘What do you think we’re doing, you nitwit. We’re trying to stop you!’

  ‘No way, I’m not going to prison,’ said Coach Voss. He ducked back into the basket and returned a moment later with a long pole that had a hook on the end. ‘Get out of here.’

  He started poking Joe and Fin with the hook. ‘Hey!’ cried Joe. ‘You’re going to kill us!’

  ‘Not my problem,’ said Coach Voss, giving Joe a hard poke in the foot.

  ‘I’m losing my grip!’ wailed Fin. His sweaty hands were slipping down Joe’s arm.

  ‘Throw him in the basket,’ urged April.

  ‘I’m not as strong as you think I am,’ said Joe. ‘You’re supposed to take on superhuman powers when a family member’s life is at stake,’ said April.

  ‘Well, obviously I don’t love you two enough because right now I haven’t got X-ray vision or the ability to leap tall buildings with a single bound,’ said Joe.

  ‘Fine!’ said April. ‘I’ll handle it.’

  April released her grip and slid down the last couple of metres of the balloon before grabbing the edge, swinging out from the basket then back in.

  ‘You’re out of your mind!’ cried Coach Voss.

  ‘Yes, I am,’ said April as she kicked the coach with both feet squarely in the chest, then let go and dropped into the basket.

  Fin completely lost his grip, slipped out of Joe’s hand and landed hard on his bottom on top of the coach’s head. Joe followed, awkwardly clambering down and treading on Fin and the coach as he scrambled in after them.

  ‘You’re under c-c-citizen’s arrest,’ said Joe, standing over the coach.

  ‘Eeerrrgh,’ moaned Coach Voss, displaying all the symptoms of concussion.

  ‘Well done,’ said April. ‘Good work, everyone.’

  ‘Um, quick question,’ said Fin, glancing over the side of the basket. ‘Since we just gave a serious head injury to the only person who knows how to fly this thing, do either of you know how to land a hot air balloon?’

  There was a pause.

  ‘Mum would know,’ said Joe. ‘I bet it’s something they learn at spy school.’

  ‘It can’t be too hard,’ said April. ‘It’s three-hundred-year-old technology.’

  ‘Have you got C-C-Coach Voss’s phone still?’ asked Joe. ‘We could look it up on the internet.’

  ‘Yeah right,’ said Fin. ‘Currawong doesn’t get mobile reception on the ground. It’s not going to work up here.’

  ‘If we turn this flame thing off, the balloon will cool and we’ll go down,’ said April, grabbing hold of the switch. ‘It’s simple thermodynamics plus gravity. Easy-peasy.’ She pulled the control hard and the balloon immediately began to drop.

  ‘Oh no!’ said Fin.

  ‘Turn it back on!’ cried Joe.

  April fiddled with the switch. ‘It won’t relight. Does anyone have a match?’

  Luckily for the Peski kids, a slowly deflating hot air balloon does not drop very quickly, and they were luckier still because a strong southerly gust of wind blew them right over Wakagala Dam. So the only real danger they were in was from drowning, because after their crashlanding they were too busy fighting with each other to swim for shore. By the time a local fisherman brought his motorboat over to help, April and Fin were too exhausted to swim anywhere and Joe was hanging on to them, one under each arm, desperately trying to keep afloat.

  Coach Voss had regained consciousness immediately on tumbling into the water and made a second escape bid by swimming to the bank, running up the road and attempting to hitchhike. But it was not to be. The rural Currawong area was not heavily populated at the best of times, and there was zero population on the country road that day because everyone had gone into town to watch the cockroach races. As a result the first car along the road was Constable Pike searching for the hot air balloon, and he was more than happy to pick up Coach Voss and handcuff him into the back seat.

  Yet again, there was a huge crowd at Currawong Gardens. Joe, Fin, April and Loretta were wearing their very best outfits, and since the smartest thing they owned was their school uniforms that is what they had on. Even Pumpkin had a bow on his collar to make him look extra-specially adorable. They were standing in the rotunda next to the mayor, Rowena Albright, as she gave a speech that blathered on and on. Everyone in town was there. Thousands of people filled the stands that were still erected from the cockroach races the day before.

  ‘And so, the town of Currawong thanks you,’ droned Mayor Albright. ‘Never before have four children –’

  ‘And a dog,’ interrupted April.

  ‘And a dog,’ amended the mayor, ‘shown such courage. Some might say irrational and ridiculous courage, but courage nonetheless, to apprehend a criminal in our community …’

  ‘If she doesn’t stop ga
ssing on, I’m just going to go home and watch TV,’ muttered April.

  ‘You c-c-can’t, this whole event is to honour our b-b-bravery,’ said Joe.

  ‘Bravery,’ snorted April. ‘You dropped Fin on the coach’s head. If you’d dropped him half a metre in the other direction, he would be a splat in the middle of some farmer’s field right now.’

  ‘… and so, in conclusion …’ prattled the mayor.

  ‘Yay, she’s wrapping up,’ said Loretta.

  ‘… by saving the credibility of the Currawong Cockroach Races you have done a great service to this town. It is my privilege to thank these four young citizens, and their dog, by presenting them with the key to the city,’ Mayor Albright concluded.

  Everyone applauded. There were cheers and whistles.

  Fin smiled. ‘We should remember this moment. It’s our turning point. The moment we were accepted as part of the Currawong community.’

  ‘Isn’t it sweet?’ said Loretta, waving at the crowd like the Queen waves at her subjects. ‘They’ve totally forgotten about my cheating in the cockroach races last year. Bless them.’

  Mayor Albright reached into her pocket, rifled around for couple of seconds, then pulled out a key and handed it to Joe. The four of them looked at it. It was a regular brass door key.

  ‘That’s it?’ asked April.

  ‘Isn’t a key to a city meant to be … well … bigger?’ asked Fin, looking down at the normal-sized key that lay in Joe’s hand.

  ‘Well, Currawong is not a very big town,’ said the mayor defensively.

  ‘But this is just an ordinary old key that you found on the ground somewhere, isn’t it?’ said April, picking it up and glaring at it.

  ‘It’s the key to Currawong,’ said Mayor Albright.

  April snorted. ‘No wonder it looks so unimpressive.’

  People in the crowd started to boo.

  ‘Put a sock in it,’ snapped April. ‘You should all be happy. Look in your pockets, you’ve all got keys to the city too.’

  Pumpkin jumped up, snapped the key out of April’s hand and swallowed it.