Once More With Feeling

by Nora Roberts

  responsibility for her problem isn’t mine.” Raven gave him one last, long look before turning away. “And on top of everything that was happening to me, I fell in love with you.” The flames danced and snapped as she watched. “I loved you,” she murmured so quietly he strained to hear, “but I couldn’t be your lover.”

  Brand stared at her back, started to reach for her, then dropped his hands to his sides. “Why?”

  Only her head turned as she looked over her shoulder at him. Her face was in shadows. “Because then I would be like her,” she whispered, then turned away again.

  “You don’t really believe that, Raven.” Brand took her shoulders, but she shook her head, not answering. Firmly he turned her to face him, making a slow, thorough study of her. “Do you make a habit of condemning children for their parents’ mistakes?”

  “No, but I . . .”

  “You don’t have the right to do it to yourself.”

  She shut her eyes on a sigh. “I know, I know that, but . . .”

  “There’re no buts on this one, Raven.” His fingers tightened until she opened her eyes again. “You know who you are.”

  There was only the sound of the sea and the rain and fire. “I wanted you,” she managed in a trembling voice, “when you held me, touched me. You were the first man I’d ever wanted.” She swallowed, and again he felt the shudder course through her. “Then I’d remember all those cramped little rooms, all those men with my mother. . . .” She broke off and would have turned away again if his hands hadn’t held her still.

  Brand removed his hands from her arms, then slowly, his eyes still on hers, he used them to frame her face. “Sleeping with a stranger is different from making love with someone you care for.”

  Raven moistened her lips. “Yes, I know that, but . . .”

  “Do you?” The question stopped her. She could do no more than let out a shaky breath. “Let me show you, Raven.”

  Her eyes were trapped by his. She knew he would release her if she so much as shook her head. Fear was tiny pinpoints along her skin. Need was a growing warmth in her blood. She lifted her hands to his wrists. “Yes.”

  Again Brand gently brushed the hair away from her cheeks. When her face was framed by his hands alone, he lowered his head and kissed her eyes closed. He could feel her trembling in his arms. Her hands still held his wrists, and her fingers tightened when he brought his mouth to hers. His was patient, waiting until her lips softened and parted.

  The kisses grew deeper, but slowly, now moister until she swayed against him. His fingers caressed, his mouth roamed. Firelight flickered over them in reds and golds, casting its own shadows. Raven could feel the heat from it through the silk she wore, but it was the glow inside of her, which built and flamed hot.

  Brand lowered his hands to her shoulders, gently massaging as he teased her lower lip with his teeth. Raven felt the gown slip down over her breasts, then cling briefly to her hips before it drifted to the floor. She started to protest, but he deepened the kiss. The thought spiraled away. Down the curve of her back, over the slight flare of her hips, he ran his hands. Then he picked her up in his arms. With her mind spinning, she sank into the mattress. When Brand joined her, the touch of his naked body against hers jolted her, bringing on a fresh surge of doubts and fears.

  “Brandon, please, I . . .” The words were muffled, then died inside his mouth.

  Easily, his hands caressed her, stroking without hurry. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew he held himself under tight control. But her mind had relaxed, and her limbs were heavy. His mouth wandered to her throat, tasting, giving pleasure, arousing by slow, irresistible degrees. He worked her nipple with his thumb, and she moaned and moved against him. Brand allowed his mouth to journey downward, laying light, feathering kisses over the curve of her breast. Lightly, very lightly, he ran his tongue over the tip. Raven felt the heat between her thighs, and tangling her fingers in his hair, pressed him closer. She arched and shuddered not from fear but from passion.

  Heat unlike anything she had ever known or imagined was building inside her. She was still aware of the flicker of the fire and candlelight on her closed lids, of the soft brush of linen sheets against her back, of the faint, pleasant smell of woodsmoke. But these sensations were dim, while her being seemed focused on the liquefying touch of his tongue over her skin, the feathery brush of his fingers on her thighs. Over the hiss of rain and fire, she heard him murmur her name, heard her own soft, mindless response.

  Her breath quickened, and her mouth grew hungry. Suddenly desperate, she drew his face back to hers. She wrapped her arms around him tightly as the pressure of the kiss pushed her head deep into the pillow. Brand lay across her, flesh to flesh, so that her breasts yielded to his chest. Raven could feel the light mat of his hair against her skin.

  His hand lay on her stomach and drifted down as she moved under him. There was a flash of panic as he slid between her thighs, then her breath caught in a heady rush of pleasure. He was still patient, his fingers gentle and unhurried as they gradually increased her rhythm.

  For Raven, there was no world beyond the firelit room, beyond the four-poster bed. His mouth took hers, his tongue probing deeply, then moving to her ear, her throat, her neck and back to her lips. All the while, his hands and fingers were taking her past all thought, past all reason.

  Then he was on top of her, and she opened for him, ready to give, to receive. She was too steeped in wonder to comprehend his strict, unwavering control. She knew only that she wanted him and urged him to take her. There was a swift flash of pain, dulled by a pleasure too acute to be measured. She cried out, but the sound was muffled against his mouth, then all was lost on wave after wave of delight.

  Chapter 11

  With her head in the curve of Brand’s shoulder, Raven watched the fire. Her hand lay over his heart. She could feel its quick, steady rhythm under her palm.

  The room was quiet, and outside, the rain had slackened to a murmur. Raven knew she would remember this moment every time she lay listening to rain against windows. Brand’s arm was under her, curled over her back with his hand loosely holding her arm. Since he had rolled from her and drawn her against his side, he had been silent. Raven thought he slept and was content to lie with him, watching the fire and listening to the rain. She shifted her head, wanting to look at him and found he wasn’t asleep. She could see the sheen of his eyes as he stared at the ceiling. Raven lifted a hand to his cheek.

  “I thought you were asleep.”

  Brand caught her hand and pressed it to his lips. “No, I . . .” Looking down at her, he broke off, then slowly brushed a tear from her lash with his thumb. “I hurt you.”

  “No.” Raven shook her head. For a moment she buried her face in the curve of his neck, where she could feel his warmth, smell his scent. “Oh, no, you didn’t hurt me. You made me feel wonderful. I feel . . . free.” She looked up at him again and smiled. “Does that sound foolish?”

  “No.” Brand ran his fingers through the length of her hair, pushing it back when it would have hidden her face from him. Her skin was flushed. In her eyes he could see the reflected flames from the fire. “You’re so beautiful.”

  She smiled again and kissed him. “I’ve always thought the same about you.”

  He laughed, drawing her closer. “Have you?”

  She lay half across him, heated flesh to heated flesh. “Yes, I always thought you’d make a remarkably lovely girl, and I see by your sister’s picture that I was right.”

  He lifted a brow. “Strange, I never realized the direction of your thoughts. Perhaps it’s best I didn’t.”

  Raven gave one of her low, rich chuckles and pressed her lips against the column of his throat. She loved the way his tones could become suddenly suavely British. “I’m sure you make a much better man.”

  “That’s comforting,” he said dryly as he began to stroke her back, “under the circumstances.” His fingers lingered at her hip to caress.

&
nbsp; “I’m sure I like you much better this way.” Raven kissed the side of his throat again, working her way to his ear. Under her breast she felt the sudden jump and scramble of his heartbeat. “Brandon . . .” She sighed, nuzzling his ear. “You’re so good to me, so kind, so gentle.”

  She heard him groan before he rolled over, reversing their positions. His eyes were heated and intense and very green, reminding her of the moment he had held her like this on the plane. Now again her pulse began to hammer, but not with fear.

  “Love isn’t always kind, Raven,” he said roughly. “It isn’t always gentle.”

  His mouth came down on hers crushingly, urgently, as all the restraints he had put on himself snapped. There was no patience in him now, only passion. Where before he had taken her up calmly, easily, now he took her plummeting at a desperate velocity. Her mouth felt bruised and tender from his, yet she learned hunger incited hunger. Raven wanted more, and still more, so she caught him closer.

  Demanding, possessing, he took his hands over her. “So long,” she heard him mutter. “I’ve wanted you for so long.” Then his teeth found the sensitive area of her neck, and she heard nothing. She plunged toward the heat and the dark.

  Brand felt her give and respond and demand. He was nearly wild with need. He wanted to touch all of her, taste all of her. He was as desperate as a starving man and as ruthless. Where before, responding to her innocence, he had been cautious, now he took what he had wanted for too many years. She was his as he had dreamed she would be: soft and yielding, then soft and hungry beneath him.

  He could hear her, moan, feel the bite of her fingernails in his shoulders as he took his mouth down the curve of her breast. The skin of her stomach was smooth and quivered under his tongue. He slipped a hand between her thighs, and she strained against him so that he knew she was as desperate as he. Yet he wouldn’t take her, not yet. He felt an impossible greed. His tongue moved to follow the path of his hands. All the years he’d wanted her, all the frustrated passion, burst out, catching them both in the explosion. Not knowing the paths, Raven went where he led her and learned that desire was deeper, stronger, than anything she had known possible.

  He was pulling her down—down until the heat was too intense to bear. But she wanted more. His hands were rough, bruising her skin. But she craved no gentleness. She was steeped in passion too deep for escape. She called out for him, desperately, mindlessly, for him to take her. She knew there couldn’t be more; they’d gone past all the rules. Pleasure could not be sharper; passion could not be darker than it was at that moment.

  Then he was inside her, and everything that had gone before paled against the color and the heat.

  His mouth was buried at her neck. From far off he heard her gasps for breath merge with his own. They moved together like lightning, so that he could no longer think. There was only Raven. All passion intensified, concentrated, until he thought he would go mad from it. The pain of it shot through him, then flowed from him, leaving him weak.

  They lay still, with Brand over her, his face buried in her hair. His breathing was ragged, and he gave no thought to his weight as he relaxed completely. Beneath him Raven shuddered again and again with the release of passion. She gripped his shoulders tightly, not wanting him to move, not wanting to relinquish the unity. If he had shown her the tenderness and compassion of loving the first time, now he had shown her darker secrets.

  A log fell in the grate, scattering sparks against the screen. Brand lifted his head and looked down at her. His eyes were heavy, still smoldering, as they lowered to her swollen mouth. He placed a soft kiss on them, then, shifting his weight, prepared to rise.

  “No, don’t go.” Raven took his arm, sitting up as he did.

  “Only to bank the fire.”

  Bringing her knees to her chest, Raven watched as Brand stacked the fire for the night. The light danced over his skin as she stared, entranced. The ripple of muscles was surprising in one so lean. She saw them in his shoulders, his back, his thighs. The passion in the cool, easygoing man was just as surprising, but she knew the feel of it now, just as she knew the feel of the muscles. He turned and looked at her with the fire leaping at his back. They studied each other, both dazed by what had passed between them. Then he shook his head.

  “My God, Raven, I want you again.”

  She held her arms out to him.

  ***

  There was a brilliant ribbon of sunlight across Raven’s eyes. It was a warm, red haze. She allowed her lids to open slowly before turning to Brand.

  He slept still, his breathing deep and even. She had to suppress the urge to brush his hair away from his face because she didn’t want to wake him. Not yet. For the first time in her life she woke to look at her lover’s face. She felt a warm, settled satisfaction.

  He is beautiful, she thought, remembering how he had been faintly distressed to hear her say so the night before. And I love him. Raven almost said the words aloud as she let herself think them. I’ve always loved him, right from the beginning, all through the years in between—and even more now that we’re together. But no mistakes this time. She closed her eyes tight on the sudden fear that he could walk out of her life again. No demands, no pressures. We’ll just be together; that’s all I need.

  She dropped her eyes to his mouth. It had been tender in the night, she remembered, then hungry, almost brutal. She hadn’t realized how badly he had wanted her, or she him, until the barriers had shattered. Five years, five empty years! Raven pushed the thought away. There was no yesterday, no tomorrow; only the present.

  Suddenly she smiled, thinking of the enormous breakfasts he habitually ate. She would usually stumble into the kitchen for coffee as he was cleaning off a plate. Cooking wasn’t her best thing, she mused, but it would be fun to surprise him. His arm was tossed around her waist, holding her against him so that their bodies had warmed each other even in sleep. Carefully Raven slipped out from under it. Padding to the closet, she found a robe, then left Brand sleeping to go downstairs.

  The kitchen was washed in sunlight. Raven went straight to the percolator. First things first, she decided. Strangely, she was wide-awake, there was none of the drowsy fogginess she habitually used coffee to chase away. She felt vital, full of energy, very much the way she felt when finishing a live concert, she realized as she scooped out coffee. Perhaps there was a parallel. Raven fit the lid on the pot, then plugged it in. She had always felt that performing for an audience was a bit like making love: sharing yourself, opening your emotions, pulling down the barriers. That’s what she had done with Brand. The thought made her smile, and she was singing as she rummaged about for a frying pan.

  Upstairs, Brand stirred, reached for her and found her gone. He opened his eyes to see that the bed beside him was empty. Quickly he pushed himself up and scanned the room. The fire was still burning. It had been late when he had added the last logs. The drapes were open to the full strength of the sun. It spilled across the bed and onto the floor. Raven’s nightgown lay where it had fallen the night before.

  Not a dream, he told himself, tugging a hand through his hair. They’d been together last night, again and again until every ounce of energy had been drained. Then they had slept, still holding each other, still clinging. His eyes drifted to the empty pillow beside him again. But where—where the devil is she now? Feeling a quick flutter of panic, he rose, tugged on his jeans and went to find her.

  Before Brand reached the bottom of the stairs, her voice drifted to him.

  Every morning when I wake,

  I’ll see your eyes.

  And there’ll only be the love we make,

  No more good-byes.

  He recognized the song as the one he had teased her about weeks before when they had sat in his car in the hills above Los Angeles. The knot in his stomach untied itself. He walked down the hall, listening to the husky, morning quality of her voice, then paused in the doorway to watch her.

  Her movements suited the song she sang: che
erful, happy. The kitchen was filled with morning noises and scents. There was the popping rhythm of the percolator as the coffee bubbled on the burner, the hiss and sizzle of the fat sausage she had frying in a cast-iron skillet, the clatter of crockery as she searched for a platter. Her hair was streaming down her back, still tumbled from the night, while the short terry robe she wore rode high up on her thighs as she stretched to reach the top shelf of a cupboard.

  Raven stopped singing for a moment to swear good-naturedly about her lack of height. After managing to get a grip on the platter, she lowered her heels back to the floor and turned. She gave a gasp when she spotted Brand, dropped the fork she held and just managed to save the platter from following it.

  “Brandon!” Raven circled her throat with her hand a moment and took a deep breath. “You scared me! I didn’t hear you come down.”

  Brand didn’t answer her smile. He didn’t move but only looked at her. “I love you, Raven.”

  Her eyes widened, and her lips trembled open, then shut again. The words, she reminded herself, mean so many different things. It was important not to take a simple statement and deepen its meaning. Raven kept her voice calm as she stooped to pick up the fork. “I love you, too, Brandon.”

  He frowned at the top of her head, then at her back as she turned away to the sink. She turned on the tap to rinse off the fork. “You sound like my sister. I’ve already two of those; I don’t need another.”

  Raven took her time. She turned off the tap, composed her face into a smile, then turned. “I don’t think of you as a brother, Brandon.” The tension at the back of her neck made it difficult to move calmly back to the cupboard for cups and saucers. “It isn’t easy for me to tell you how I feel. I needed your support, your compassion. You helped me last night more than I can say.”

  “Now you make me sound like a bloody doctor. I said I love you, Raven.” There was a snap of anger in the words this time. When Raven turned back to him, her eyes were eloquent.

  “Brandon, you don’t have to feel obligated . . .” She broke off as his eyes flared. Storming into the room, he flicked off the gas under the smoking sausage, then yanked the percolator cord from the