I Found You

by Lark, Jane

  “Rachel…” My hand left my pocket and I moved in front of her and gripped her arm.

  “See, it’s a sorry tale, now you’ll know why I don’t like telling it. But anyway, he didn’t get that far. I ran away before he could. When I told Mom, she said I’d encouraged him, that I’d been trying to take him from her. It was stupid; he was fat and ugly and bald. Why would I want the guy touching me?”

  “Where did you go?”

  “Nowhere, everywhere. Not into a home. I didn’t want to live in a home. I avoided social services and found myself a guy in his mid-twenties. He was a good-looking mechanic and he took me in, and well, I didn’t tell him how old I was. I said I was eighteen, and then I did what Mom had always done. He wasn’t my first anyway. I didn’t even really like him all that much, but he gave me food and a roof and a bed. At least he wasn’t three times my age and ugly.”

  She grimaced.

  “Rach…”

  She met my gaze and smiled weakly. “I know––have more respect for yourself. Well, I didn’t, I don’t. I don’t even really know myself, let alone like myself. I only like who I am with you, and now I’m gonna lose you.”

  I didn’t answer; I still couldn’t bring myself to make promises.

  Tears rolled out her eyes and I felt like shit.

  I slid my hand down her arm and gripped the hand which was scarred by the cut she’d had the night I’d found her.

  She sniffed and wiped her eyes and nose on the sleeve of her coat. “Anyway, to cut a long story short, there’s been lots of douchebags in my life like him since then. I seem to attract the bums of this world.” She gripped my hands, and looked deep into my eyes like she was looking into my soul. “You’re my first nice guy. I don’t want to lose you, Jason. But I’m going to, aren’t I? I don’t deserve you anyway, I suppose. Someone like Lindy deserves you. Not me…”

  I hugged her, I couldn’t not, and her cheek rested on my shoulder as her face pressed into my neck.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Rach. I can’t promise you anything. But you deserve everything good. It’s just too early, honey. I just––”

  She didn’t wait for me to finish, like she was too afraid of what I might say. “You asked me who the father is. His name is Declan. He’s a jerk. A rich jerk. I was living with him in his penthouse in Manhattan.”

  Fuck, a rich guy. “Are you going to tell him?”

  She shook her head quickly. “No. No way.”

  “Don’t you think the kid should know its father…”

  Her hands gripped the sides of my leather jacket and her forehead fell on to my shoulder. “You don’t understand, Jason. He won’t wanna know. He’s married. He has three kids with his wife. They have a massive house looking out over the beach. I’ve been there, when she and the kids were away. He liked throwing parties for his friends. I went there for his parties.”

  “Rach?”

  “I know. I’m a horrible person.”

  “You aren’t a horrible person, you’ve just made bad choices, and who can blame you when you had a mother like that as a role model?”

  Her head came up and she looked at me again. “You’re gonna be nice to me, even now…”

  I laughed, though it wasn’t out of humor. “Rach?”

  “Anyway, Declan won’t want to know his child, and he certainly won’t want his name on a birth certificate. I was fine to be in bed with and to show off with to his associates, he liked playing games, even with his wife, but he treated me like I was some disease he was inflicted with. That was why I left, because I was tired of being treated like his pretty piece of trash, and I know he wouldn’t want me or my child, back in his life. Believe me. When I left him, I let him know just how I felt.”

  “Good for you…” I whispered.

  She smiled, but in her eyes I saw desolation. It had been there the first night I’d met her.

  “Why the hell did you get with him in the first place, though?”

  “Because he was there, and he gave me stuff, and he wanted me.”

  “Rach, come on, seriously. Is that what you want for yourself, just someone to want you?”

  “No, not anymore, now I just want, you, to want me. Do you?”

  “Rach––”

  “You don’t.” She slid off the rail and pushed past me.

  “Rach, honey––”

  She turned back. “It’s okay, I understand. I wouldn’t want me either. I get it. I’ll go get my stuff.”

  I caught her arm. “And go where? Don’t be stupid. I don’t know what I want yet, but right now, I don’t want to let you go…”

  It seemed like someone clicked pause on time as we stood and stared at one another. I was oblivious to all else, the night sky, the electric lights, the boats on the river, the people in the park.

  “Do you want me to get rid of it? I could, I’m only about two and half months. I went to the clinic to get tested for diseases. I wasn’t the only person Declan slept with beyond his wife, and… you know my history. I’ve not got checked out for a couple of years, and… Well… Anyway, I didn’t know until they called me this morning. Do you want me to get rid of it? I’ve been thinking about it all day. I don’t know what to do though. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I did … ”

  My hands moved instinctively to cup her beautiful face. “I can’t make that decision for you, Rachel. It’s got to be your decision. But God, don’t get rid of a child just to please me. If you think you can bring the child up, and you’ll love it, and want it, then keep it.”

  Tears fell from her eyes again and I wiped them away with my thumbs.

  “I don’t know what I want, Jason. I just want you. I love you.”

  I felt my heartbeat hesitate, just for a moment. I loved her too. I did. But I didn’t say it; her story, my mother’s accusations, and the situation, held me back.

  Her arms came around my waist and held me tightly.

  I held her too, my hand stroking her hair.

  Just hold on to me, Rach, hold on.

  After a moment, I said. “Shall we walk back?”

  Her head nodded against my chest and then she pulled away.

  I gripped her hand, still feeling unsteady inside. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

  God, Mom, was going to freak.

  We didn’t say anything more until we got up to the apartment.

  Once I’d hung up my coat and helped her with hers, I offered, “Do you want a beer?”

  “I shouldn’t be drinking.”

  God, she’d drunk a small pond the other Friday. I hoped she hadn’t damaged the baby.

  “Yeah.” I gave her a lopsided smile and went to get one for myself. “Do you want a soda instead.”

  “No, thanks.”

  I looked back. “Sit down, Rach, and tell me about this guy, about how you’ve lived. I want to know everything. I want to know about your mom, and your brothers and sisters.”

  She gave me a dubious look, but she sat down on the bean-bag and started talking as I got a beer, though her voice sounded almost robotic.

  I sat down, and pressed my back against the long window, and listened with my knees bent up, and forearms resting on my legs, as I drank and she talked.

  We didn’t make love that night. I just held her in bed, while she cried herself to sleep and I lay awake.

  I was out of my depth again.

  Chapter Twelve

  Two days after the bombshell of Rachel’s pregnancy had hit us, Rach got up at the same time I did. I was going to work.

  She was in the kitchen section behind the counter when I went into the living room.

  I was doing up my tie.

  She’d made me coffee and French toast. She pushed them across the counter. “Here. I’ve decided I’m gonna keep it. I don’t wanna get rid of it… I wanna have it.”

  Her words hit me like a punch in the gut, winding me, but I couldn’t blame her. If it had been my kid, I would’ve wanted her
to keep it.

  I kept moving, hoping I hadn’t shown any hesitation.

  Things had been different between us since the impact of her revelation. She’d been quiet, withdrawn, and tired all the time, and I hadn’t seen her smile.

  She could’ve run with me last night, but she hadn’t wanted to come.

  It seemed like my Rachel had fallen into darkness. Her internal lights had gone out––her eyes didn’t shine anymore. She’d spent most of the time crying, not laughing, and she hardly ever spoke.

  We still hadn’t made love since I’d found out about the baby either, and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to, it was just I didn’t know if she did. It felt like I’d be using her if we ended up going our separate ways, and I still wasn’t sure what direction I was taking.

  I held her gaze. Well, she’d made her mind up, now I had to make my mind up.

  I smiled at her and caught a hold of her hand as it lay on the counter. “Do you reckon you could swap your shifts and get tomorrow night off, and we’ll have another Friday night out?”

  Her eyebrows lifted. “It won’t be like the last one, I can’t drink, can I.”

  “No, but getting drunk isn’t the only way to have fun, Rach. Go on, I’ll try and cheer you up.”

  “I’ll try and get the night off.”

  “Good girl.” I smiled, then started eating the breakfast she’d cooked me.

  For the first time in two days I felt like things could be okay.

  ~

  I took Rachel to the karaoke bar first, because I knew singing would make her feel better, and I made a pact with her not to drink for the night, to keep her company.

  When we got to the bar I ordered two fruit juice cocktails. “Here.” I passed one to her. “Pretend it has added alcohol.”

  She laughed, half-heartedly, but it was the most real laugh I’d heard from her in days.

  The place was full of people again and my hand rested on her waist as we moved away from the bar toward the karaoke stage.

  I had that really possessive protective feeling once more, as I saw other guys notice her and then watch her pass. They could get lost, she was my girl, and I felt intensely proud that she was too. She looked great tonight. She was wearing an emerald satin shirt, which hugged her figure, another purchase from her tips, and the black skinny jeans I’d bought her. She had her stiletto boots on again too.

  I just wanted to get her home and into bed.

  Of course at some point in the next few months she wouldn’t be able to fit into those skinny jeans anymore.

  The image of her with a rotund stomach slipped into my mind and it made me smile and made my stomach feel like it had butterflies. You know, I actually thought it was cool.

  I pictured myself with her, and us buying baby stuff, looking for rompers and a pram and crib, and a warm feeling hit me. I could imagine it. It didn’t seem such a terrible idea. In fact it made me feel a little odd, in a good way, all mushy and mellow inside. I kinda liked it.

  She didn’t even notice the guys looking at her. She might have let people use her body over the years, but she wasn’t vain. In fact it was the opposite. I knew her promiscuity had stemmed from her lack of vanity. She really didn’t think enough of herself.

  She sipped her drink when we got near the karaoke stage, and started looking at the list.

  I was looking at her in profile, she had a little tilt to the tip of her nose, and her eyes were wide, and her pale eyelashes long.

  I wondered if her baby would be a girl, a girl who’d look like her. A girl we could take to the swings or to dance classes, when she grew older.

  “What do you wanna sing?” she said scanning the list of songs.

  “Something fun.”

  “Like what?”

  She wasn’t in a mood to pick. I glanced up. “Black Eyed Peas, I Gotta Feeling.”

  She looked at me and gave me an, I-don’t-think-so, face.

  I laughed at her. “Hey, spoilsport, we’re here to have fun.”

  Her eyebrows lifted.

  I firmed my grip on her waist. “You’re having fun tonight and that’s an order.”

  “Yes, sir,” she mocked.

  “Right, I’m picking Black Eyed Peas, you can choose the next one.”

  I went over to the guy running it, and told him what we wanted lined up. I came back to see her still scanning the list.

  “We’re up next.”

  She nodded. Then she looked at me and gave me a sudden smile. “I thought afterwards, we’d sing Cindy Lauper’s, Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

  “Ha! Ha! You can have that one on your own.”

  Smiling she tilted her head sideways. “Nope, I don’t think I’m letting you escape, you’re singing.”

  I smiled too and shook my head.

  “You are.” She took the drink from my hand. “But we’re up now.”

  She gave our drinks to the guy. I cupped her elbow and helped her up. Then she gave me her hand and pulled me up onto the stage.

  This had been my worst nightmare a couple of weeks ago, now I was looking forward to singing with her again.

  We held hands as we sang, our fingers threaded, and I started shouting it out, and she looked at me, her eyes laughing, and raised her voice to full pitch too. The crowd had lifted their hands and waved them in the air, joining in as they drank and talked and laughed.

  I looked out across the room, right to the back and faced the sea of people having fun. It didn’t even freak me out. I was having fun. I glanced back at Rach and saw she was too, the morose girl I’d met on the bridge had gone again. The song was over far too soon, but I felt invigorated and alive with adrenaline when I jumped down off the stage and lifted a hand to help her.

  She stepped down carefully and elegantly. The guy smiled at us as he gave us our drinks back.

  “Girls Just Want to Have Fun next,” Rach said to him, her voice bright and catching with energy and excitement, like it had done before she’d found out about the baby.

  He nodded and winked at her. “You got two to wait.” He glanced up then, and smiled at me too, like he recognized we came as a pair, and he was identifying how lucky I was.

  I was lucky. I had Rachel Shears as my girl.

  After we’d danced to the two singers before us, Rachel climbed up on the stage and started singing Girls Just Want to Have Fun, alone, as I teasingly lagged behind and she gave me a wide-eyed look as she sang, telling me with her bright, full of life, gaze to get up on stage. Then she held out her hand and encouraged me up with come-on beckoning fingers.

  The whole crowd cheered her on.

  My heart swelled to triple the size as she took my hand when I raised it, and when she pulled me up, the crowd went wild. I could see Rach loved it.

  I started singing, like I was singing it about her and the crowd started laughing, but within moments they were joining in again.

  God, I was really enjoying myself. It was different to the previous times we’d done this. I really did know her now and I felt like we were properly together.

  The crowd whistled and cheered when we finished, and Rach’s eyes were so alive, it was like the light had been switched back on inside her.

  When I helped her down, she went straight to the list. “Right, what are we going to sing now?”

  I moved behind her, slid my hands about her waist and crossed them over her stomach, remembering the baby inside it.

  Really, would it be such a bad thing for us to have a kid? The idea was growing on me.

  We sang two more songs and had a soda, then I told her it was time to dance.

  “Dance? Seriously you wanna go to the club?”

  I dropped a kiss on the bridge of her pretty nose. “Seriously I want to go to the club. You don’t need Jägerbombs to enjoy a dance.”

  She smiled at me, and the smile shone in her eyes, then she kissed my cheek, before whispering into my ear. “You’re a really nice guy, Jason Macinlay.”

  When she pulled away I
leaned closer to her, and whispered into her ear. “You’re a really nice girl, Rachel Shears.”

  She blushed and I could see the answer written in her eyes, I’m not.

  “You are.”

  When we stood in the line for the club I had my arm about Rachel, and she wrapped both her arms about my waist, and rested her head on my shoulder.

  I’d made up my mind. I was keeping her, staying with her and the baby. I didn’t care that the child wasn’t mine. We were right for each other. I needed her, she needed me, and her baby needed a father. We’d make everything work out right.

  When we got in, I checked our coats and took her to the bar. “Soda or fruit juice?”

  She made a face. “Such an exciting choice.”

  “I could add cola to it.”

  “Nope, I’ll take a soda.”

  “Two sodas it is then,” I said to the bar attendant.

  She set them on the bar a few moments later and I paid, then handed one to Rach. “Drink up quickly, I want to dance.”

  “You, who I had to drag on to the dance floor last time?”

  I laughed. “One and the same.”

  We danced for more than an hour, constantly, and I had my hands on her the whole time. I could feel my temperature rising, boiling in my veins as her ass and her hip pressed against mine in a variety of positions. My mind became full of the sex we’d had in the alley three weeks ago.

  I wanted to take her home to bed. The urge burned in my blood.

  When a slow tempo song came on, she turned and her outstretched arms rested on my shoulders as we continued to dance, up close and personal, my face close to hers. Her eyes were bright and beautiful and transfixed on mine, as I knew mine were on hers, and I could feel her breath on my lips.

  My hand lifted and cupped the back of her head, and then I kissed her.

  It was a long, deep, intense kiss as the music played on and people danced all about us. I didn’t even know if we were still dancing.

  After a long while I broke it. “I want to go home. You?”

  She nodded.

  We got a cab. I hailed it right outside the club and we were home as quickly as anything.

  I kissed her again in the elevator pulling her against me so she stood between my legs as I braced her slender hips.