I Found You

by Lark, Jane

  Dad bent to pick up another crate of wine. I picked up the beer.

  “It’s not just about sex Dad. That’s Lindy’s impression and she’s convinced Mom, and Mom’s convinced you. But it isn’t true.”

  As we walked back to the house he said in a low voice.

  “We will give her a chance to prove herself, Jason, and I will hold off on making any decisions about the business until we know you’re settled.”

  I looked at him, feeling more grateful than I could say. “Thanks, Dad.”

  I wanted to hug him, but my hands were full.

  ~

  I’d told myself, when I was helping his mom get ready, that I had to learn to stop depending so heavily on Jason. I needed to let him have some space, and cope on my own. My black mood would smother him if I wasn’t careful. But as soon as the guests started arriving I forgot my resolve, and I hung on to his arm, as he said, “Hi,” to various people who barely acknowledged me, and showed no interest at all when he introduced me. Even the kids looked oddly at me, like I was the new monster their parents were scaring them with. If you don’t go to bed, the Rachel will come and get you…

  The only one who smiled at me was Katie, who actually gave me a proper closed lips smile this time, and she even lifted her hand a little and opened her mouth in a gesture that looked like she was saying, “Hi.” But her sister pulled her past me.

  Lindy came in late, with Billy. She walked straight past us and over to grip Jason’s mom’s hands, then kissed her cheek. She was marking territory, like Jason had done at the store. They were fighting over his parents.

  I wanted to wring her neck. I was in an evil, wicked mood tonight. It had a hold of me. I was still in darkness. I wanted to climb to the light at the end of the tunnel, but that was way too far away.

  Come on brain, shift.

  Jason was drinking a beer. I caught a hold of the neck of his bottle and took a swig from it.

  “Steady, the baby, Rach.”

  “One won’t harm.”

  I took the bottle from his hand and didn’t give it back. He turned to get another.

  I knew I was being reckless but I felt so unbelievably vulnerable, so out of control, and when he turned away, I could picture a hundred daggers skewering my back. But then I caught Katie’s eye, and once again she smiled. She looked like she was apologizing for the entire room of people.

  Sadly, when I looked away from Katie, I caught his mother watching me, too, but her eyes only showed mistrust. I lifted the beer and took another sip. Of course now she knew the baby wasn’t his, she had no cause to care if I drank. My child and I were nothing to do with her. It was only our impact on Jason she cared about. Jason was lucky, he had someone who cared. But I cared for him, too…

  I felt his hand at my waist. And he cared for me.

  I turned, and kissed him, full on the mouth. He didn’t avoid it. He kissed me back, in a room full of people who hated us being together.

  I hated all of them.

  Someone turned on the music.

  We broke apart. He smiled and then clinked his bottle against the one I still held. It was like we were the only two people in the room for a moment.

  I put the beer down. I didn’t want it anymore.

  I didn’t know the song, but some people started dancing to it, in a line.

  I looked up and met Jason’s gaze. Ah, now I understood why Lindy said he couldn’t dance, because Lindy line danced, like this. No wonder then; it took different skills, memory and timing, not just rhythm.

  My bad, wicked, streak swept up.

  “Come on, let’s dance.”

  I caught a hold of his hand and pulled him away from the edge and into the room, to one side of where a growing number of people were line-dancing.

  He knew what I was doing, I saw it in his eyes, but he didn’t disagree or resist. He wanted to show her he was not incapable too. “Is there some dance class here, which teaches them how to do that?” I whispered.

  He smiled. “Yes.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep, a ton of people go, there’s not enough to do around here. Mom got Lindy into it. Then Lindy insisted I went too.”

  “Well at least I know why you were such a lightweight on our first night out, if that was what you did ‘round here for thrills.”

  “I didn’t get any thrills from it, believe me, I could never do it. I always just felt like a fool.”

  I kept a grip on his hand and smiled up at him as I pulled him close, and then we began dancing. Properly dancing.

  I then ran my fingers up to his tight muscular waist.

  He had such a great body. I forgot the darkness inside me, and just felt a hunger for the pleasure his body could bring.

  “Rach.” His hand lifted and ran through my hair as our gazes held.

  He was the only one in the room again.

  Why had I been worried? I had no need to know him better. I knew enough. I knew we were good together. I knew he loved me.

  His head lowered, and he kissed me. My tongue slipped into his mouth. I felt the pressure of his hand at the back of my head.

  The room was only lowly lit by a couple of lamps, if there had been more light I don’t think we’d have been so forward. But the shadows and the crowded room gave me a sense of anonymity, and I presumed it was the same for him.

  But still when he broke the kiss, I saw his mom glaring when I looked over Jason’s shoulder.

  “Let’s go outside.” I whispered. I just needed to be with him, just the two of us––like it had been in New York.

  He smiled at me, his eyes only on me, and nodded.

  “I love you,” I said, before we even started moving, dismissing his mom, and this whole town of people who hated me.

  “I love you, too. Come on.” He caught up my hand and pulled it, leading me toward the patio door.

  He slid it back and then we stepped out into the cold night air.

  It was freezing. I wasn’t even wearing a coat.

  I shivered and laughed. “God, I wish I had a cigarette.”

  “You don’t smoke.”

  “I used to. I really fancy one.”

  “Smoke one and you’ll start again, I’ve seen that happen a dozen times.”

  I laughed. I still wanted one, because of the stress and feeling down I suppose, my brain associated the feeling with the days I used to chain smoke when I hit a melancholy mood. That wasn’t the thing to do when I was pregnant though.

  He let go of my hand, then rubbed my arms, over my blouse, before giving me a tight hug.

  God, I loved the smell of his aftershave, his warmth, his body, and I wanted more …

  I looked up. “Can we go somewhere private?”

  “Private?” He lifted his eyebrows and smiled.

  He was trying to make me feel better by being in a bright mood.

  I thought of all the other guys I’d been with, who’d argued and physically fought with me, when I’d hit the low times. I was so lucky to have found Jason. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want Lindy to have him. I didn’t care anymore if that was mean and selfish. He was mine now.

  I gripped his fingers and began walking backwards, leading him into the garden. “Where’s the back gate?”

  “To the right.”

  I had to turn to go down the steps from the decking, shifting from the electric light to moonlight, but I kept a hold of his hand and he followed, a rumble of humor sounding in his throat.

  “Where are you leading me, Rach?”

  “To heaven,” I said, looking back.

  He laughed openly again, and I actually felt brighter, like the light was breaking into the tunnel and finding me.

  I shot the bolt securing the gate––we were in shadow now––then I clicked up the latch to open it.

  We went out into a narrow alleyway. It ran down between his parents’ house and the neighbors’, toward the road.

  I kissed him, and my fingers played with the short hair at his n
ape.

  He kissed me back, his hands sliding to cup my buttocks over my jeans.

  I broke the kiss. “Jason?”

  “Uh huh…”

  “I want to have sex with you.” My fingers began slipping his belt free. But his hands came down over mine.

  “I want it with you too, honey, but not now, and not here, okay…”

  The rejection kicked me.

  Fuck. I could tell I’d hurt her. She’d had enough rejections in the last couple of hours, but I just couldn’t do it when everyone was inside the house on the other side of the fence. I hadn’t drunk that much. I’d drunk a lot that night in New York, our first night. Shit, I couldn’t believe I’d really done it in an alley in the middle of the city. I’d been as mad as her that night. I’d never have done it sober.

  “Rach, you know I’m crazy for you…” I whispered. “But just let me hold you okay.” She pressed against me as I did, and nodded her head brushing against my shoulder, but then I felt her sob, and her shoulders shivered.

  It was freezing cold and my breath steamed in the air. “Are you okay?”

  Voices echoed on the other side of the fence, and I could smell tobacco carrying in the cold air. Someone was outside.

  “Yeah,” Rach answered, her arms slipping about my waist, hugging me like I was the last man on earth. She wasn’t okay. I shouldn’t have brought her here. Tomorrow was Christmas, but I’d take her home the day after. This was too much for her.

  I gripped the back of her neck and kissed her, expressing everything I felt for her. I could taste the salt of her tears in her mouth. I broke off. “Rach, I didn’t say no ‘cause I don’t love you. I love you. I just don’t want to do it right now, okay? Not here.”

  “I know. You don’t have to explain,” she whispered. “You can just hold me.”

  She was shivering. I held her tighter. I still felt like she was upset with me.

  “You lean against the fence,” I whispered. “Then I can keep you warmer.”

  Her eyes focused on me, so dark in the moonlight, then she looked up. “You’re right, you can’t see stars in the city, like you can out here. They’re awesome.”

  I smiled and then pressed a kiss against her cheek. The trail of her tears was drying in the cold freezing against her skin.

  She wiped them away.

  “I am okay.” The statement was spoken as though it was made more to herself than me. “But I’m so glad I have you.”

  “I’m glad I have you too…” I rested my forehead against hers, sighing. I wasn’t in any hurry to go back. There were still voices coming from within the yard anyway. I slid my hands to her hips, and kissed her again. “…and I’m sorry I brought you here. It was a bad idea.”

  Her cold fingers braced my cheeks, and she looked into my eyes. “It wasn’t… You need to try and keep things right with your parents. I understand.” But she’d been hurt by them, and…

  “I haven’t succeeded though, I––”

  “I’m sorry––”

  “God, Rach, you’ve no need to be sorry, it’s not your fault.” I gripped one of her hands and pulled it away from my face. “You cold?”

  “A bit.” She shivered again.

  “I suppose we have to brave it and go back in there.”

  “I suppose so.”

  I sighed, I didn’t really want to any more than she did, and they were my family. But, “We’d better go.” The conversation on the other side of the fence had ceased. Now was as good a time as any to go back in there, to face them and defend Rach again.

  She nodded.

  “Come on then.” Gripping her hand I pulled her away from the fence and back along the alley to the gate, looking at her the moment before I clicked it open. “Ready?”

  If she wasn’t, she didn’t really have a choice.

  When we went in, the garden was empty, and again I glanced at her. She didn’t look comfortable. She’d lost the defiance she’d had indoors before we’d come out here. I turned back and ran my fingers through her hair sweeping it back off her face. “Just a couple more hours of this, Rach.”

  I nodded at Jason. There was a sudden rush of need inside me to hide away. But what I needed to do was stop hiding and speak the truth. I held his hand tighter. “Jason…” I wanted to tell him. “Jason.” He’d turned and started walking again but I needed him to stop, I needed to be honest with him now. I’d been upset when he’d said he didn’t want sex, but then I’d known when I’d tried to look at it with a rational head it was a little crazy to do it outside when his family was in here. But if I told him the truth maybe he’d understand.

  I’d tried telling him at the lake, but I hadn’t found the words or courage. Now the words pounded through me, longing to get out.

  He stopped, and turned just before the decking.

  “Honey? What is it?”

  “I’ve got to tell you something, I––”

  “Jason! Where have you been? We need to get more beer out of the garage.”

  His cousin Richard had come out of the patio door. His gaze caught on me, but he said nothing to me, only looked back at Jason.

  “Okay.” Jason smiled at him.

  I wished Richard a hundred miles from here. I just wanted life to be me and Jason.

  Jason’s hand held mine tightly as we walked to the garage, trailing after Richard.

  The boys talked about the National Football League games, and about people they knew in the town, topics I couldn’t join in. All of us carrying boxes of beer, we walked back up to the house, and I heard Jason’s cousin say, as he pushed back the patio door, “Lindy’s pretty pissed off with you, you know…”

  I saw the muscle in Jason’s cheek tighten again but he didn’t say anything.

  His cousin didn’t hold the door open for me. Jason stopped it right before it shut on me, blocking it with his foot.

  “Sorry,” he whispered. My moment to speak was gone again, like it had gone at the lake.

  Inside I felt the hostility I’d walked out on, like it hung in the air, but again his cousin Katie smiled at me as we walked across the room, heading for the kitchen. I felt sorry for her, she was nice, and she obviously felt uncomfortable about the way everyone else was acting toward me.

  As soon as we walked in the Kitchen, Jason’s mom said, “You were outside a long time.” She was looking at me, though she spoke to Jason, and looking at me in a way that said she was measuring me up and trying to work me out, but ultimately, she didn’t get me.

  When I went to put the beer down, I saw two boxes already on the side. I understood. They’d suspected what I’d wanted us to do and they’d only used the alcohol as a ruse to stop other people thinking the same thing. They were embarrassed by me and Jason.

  It was like his mother stood there waving a red flag. Enough. I was tired to death of this. I could get angry in a low mood, but I was flying up again now, suddenly, just like that, and in an up mood I could be evil.

  I put my box down, and took two beers from an open one.

  Jason put his box down too.

  I flipped a lid off one of the beers, using the counter top and the heel of my palm, like I’d been taught at the age of eight by one of Mom’s no-good boyfriends, who’d thought it really clever to train a kid to fetch his beer. I handed that beer to Jason, then opened the other and took a sip before raising the bottle to his mother. “Happy Christmas Eve, Mrs. Macinlay.”

  She just stared at me.

  “Come on, Jason, let’s go dance.”

  We did, with him glancing at his mother, and her throwing more figurative daggers which I could feel in my back as we walked out. I’d be looking like a porcupine by the end of the night if all these knives were real.

  Jason didn’t say anything about me drinking as I sipped the beer, while my other arm rested on his shoulder and we danced. His cousin Katie was looking at me every time I glanced her away, her smile having dropped to that uncertain half smile again.

  Jason’s free hand
gripped my hip, drawing my attention back to him. His gaze was running over my body, lifting from my hips to my chest and lowering again, as we danced up close, while most of the rest of the room followed a set line dance and some of the kids ran circles around them.

  I wasn’t surprised Jason hadn’t been able to line dance. The steps were intricate strings of movement, really long complex patterns. But Lindy could do it, and she was stepping it out beside Billy. He took her hand at various points as they maneuvered through the dance.

  I looked at the kids, tearing around between the dancers, and wondered how the hell I’d cope with my own. But I knew Jason would cope.

  One of the smallest nearly ran in to us, and then collapsed on the floor beside us giggling. They were playing chase, using the adults as an obstacle course. Another kid rushed to tag the little boy and make him the chaser. The kid at our feet squealed. We’d already broken apart, and looking down at him, laughing too, Jason bent and picked him up, lifting him over his head out of the chaser’s reach.

  “No fair!” The older child said. He must have been eight or nine whereas the boy Jason held was only been about three. He was still laughing, uncontrollably. I wanted a child suddenly. I mean, I’d made up my mind to keep it, but I hadn’t really thought about what it would be like, but seeing this little one made me imagine mine. I wanted it, I wanted a little person to hold and love. If I had a child I could give it everything I’d never had, and let it live in this normal world of Jason’s.

  When the older kid walked away, Jason lowered the boy to his chest. The young kid was still giggling. “I think you ought to have a drink and calm down, hey?” Jason’s words carried humor.

  Yeah. He’d be good with our kid. But what about me? “Shall I take him to get a drink?” I put the beer I held down on a table near us, I’d hardly drunk it, and I held out my hands. It was instinctive, but it felt weird I’d never held a small child. I was going to have to learn to soon though. Jason’s smile twisted sideways, as I said to the little boy, looking into brown eyes similar to Jason’s, “Do you wanna come get a soda with me?”