I Found You

by Lark, Jane

I laughed at her.

  She grinned.

  Then I caught Mom looking at us.

  The atmosphere became much more relaxed after that, and Mom and Dad even started calling cheat and laughing if they were wrong.

  Rach and I were breaking through their walls of rash judgment.

  When the day ended and we said goodnight, Rach stepped forward and hugged Mom, who clearly hadn’t a clue how to react. Then there were tears in Rach’s eyes when she said, “Thank you, Mrs. Macinlay, I have had the best day. I’ve never known a Christmas like this, I really appreciate it. I know you don’t like me, but I’m still really grateful for you letting me come. I’m sorry if I’ve upset your holiday.”

  Rach turned away then as her tears brimmed over and ran down her cheeks. She wiped them away and headed toward the den.

  Mom was frowning.

  “Night Mom.” I looked along the hall. “Dad. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I didn’t stay to hear them complain about us both going to the den, or to listen to any other thoughts they might wish to force on me, I followed Rach.

  ~

  When I got up the next morning, I left Rach in bed, languid and relaxed after our early morning session, and went into the kitchen.

  Rach had made love to me when we’d gone to bed, not with the determined passion and exhilaration we’d shared the night before, but with adoration and love. It had felt like we were connecting on a whole other level than before. It felt spiritual.

  Mom was in the kitchen, and the room smelt of freshly brewed coffee.

  She looked back at me, but didn’t turn around. “Jason.”

  She was in her dressing-gown.

  “Morning, Mom.” I walked over and kissed her cheek. “Can we steal some of your coffee?”

  She gave me a shallow smile. “If you like.” Then she sighed. “Jason, you don’t have to go today. Rachel can stay.”

  I picked a cookie out of the jar then said, “Too late, I’ve changed our flights.”

  Mom turned to me then. “Jason, what did Rachel mean last night? Was this really a good Christmas for her?”

  She sounded like she thought the idea absurd. It was probably our worst family Christmas.

  I poured the coffee, not looking at her. “Yes…” I told Mom how it was, how Rach had lived before, and after she’d run away from home. If Mom didn’t like it that was her problem… “I don’t think her mom ever did Christmas, I don’t think she had presents or any special meal, and since she ran away, she’s probably not had a normal Christmas anywhere.”

  I turned. “Have you got any bagels and bacon I can cook? I’ll take her breakfast in bed.”

  Mom was frowning again. “Yes. It was sweet of her to bring us presents.”

  “Well, she was nervous as hell about coming, Mom, she knew it wasn’t going to be easy. She probably just wants to make you like her.”

  Mom nodded and turned away. “I’ll make your bagels. You take the coffee in to Rachel.”

  Fingers crossed, Rach was finally winning them over, but I wasn’t staying here to see, Rach needed a break. I picked up the coffee.

  Mom was reserved when she said goodbye to Rachel a couple of hours later, but she was at least polite.

  “It’s great to have met you, Mrs. Macinlay, thank you for letting me come, and for dinner yesterday, and the party.”

  Mom gave Rach a nod, but said nothing more than goodbye.

  When we got to the airport, Dad gave me a hug.

  “It’s good to have seen you, son. I’ll hang back over any judgment to do with the store for now. Keep in touch with your mother, won’t you? You know how she worries if you don’t contact her at least once a week.”

  I nodded. Then looked at Rach, as I picked up our cases.

  Dad looked at her too. “Goodbye, Rachel.”

  “Goodbye, Mr. Macinlay, nice to have met you.” She held out her hand.

  He didn’t completely shun her; he shook it.

  We walked off into the airport and I felt Dad watching us.

  Rach gripped my arm and pressed in close.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I woke to see my clock flashing five thirty am, and an empty bed. I rubbed my eyes, still half asleep. Yawning, I stretched my arms up, as I heard the sound of a racing car penetrate the bedroom door. Rach was playing something on the Xbox. At five am.

  She obviously hadn’t been able to sleep last night.

  I cursed Mom and Dad as I got up, and pulled a pair of boxers on. They’d done this to her by rejecting her.

  I yawned again as I walked into the living room, then stretched. Rach was sitting cross-legged on the beanbag, her thumbs working the controls. Her hands clenched it so tightly, her knuckles were white.

  She’d been quiet the whole flight home, and she’d not said much when we got in either. She hadn’t wanted to go out to eat so I’d just ordered a pizza.

  “Honey, how long have you been playing that?”

  She looked up suddenly, surprised, like she hadn’t heard me get up. There was a screeching skidding sound and then a smash rang out from the TV. “Shit.” The controller fell slack in her hand as she looked back at the TV.

  “When did you get up, Rach?”

  She looked at me again, her green eyes wide but looking dazed. “I’ve been up most of the night, one maybe two? I don’t know.”

  “Do you want a coffee?”

  “Yeah.”

  She’d been playing the game nearly all night then. When I went to make the coffee, she began again, and I watched the screen from the kitchen. I was not sure what to do.

  When I handed the coffee to her, though, a few minutes later, I said. “Rach why don’t you switch that off and talk to me? Tell me what’s kept you up all night?”

  She let the car crash again, without a flicker of concern, and the controller fell onto her lap. Then she reached out and took the coffee instead.

  I sat down facing her, crossing my legs too, and putting my coffee down, so I could lean over and switch the TV off. “Go on then, Rach.”

  “I don’t know.” But that was an utter lie, I did know, and as I looked at Jason I felt tears brim in my eyes. I’d been holding tears back all night. He leaned forward and one of his hands gripped mine, the opposite of the vision I had back at his parents when I’d imagined not being able to reach him. I held it, looking at the bond between us. Now was the time to speak and tell him about my illness, but the words wouldn’t come.

  I looked up. Okay, maybe I didn’t have the courage to tell him that, but I could tell him why today.

  I sighed and then words slipped from my mouth. “Seeing your family… it’s just… it’s brought back all the memories of mine… They weren’t like that. My Mom never cared, I wasn’t even dragged up; I struggled up. Me and my brothers and sisters, we scavenged for food at times. Home wasn’t safe. Nowhere was safe because I didn’t have a mom fighting my corner, and I never had a dad at all…” I took a breath as his brown eyes looked at me full of compassion. “I’m afraid of having the baby in a way. I don’t know how to bring a baby up…” These were the thoughts that had been rolling round in my head all night. How could I have a baby?

  He leaned in then and hugged me, in that solid warm way he had of giving comfort. He wrapped me up, saved me from myself and protected me from the world. That was the sort of guy Jason was. Tears flooded from my eyes as I gripped him back, holding on to him, my arms about his torso. How the hell had I coped when I hadn’t had Jason? His hand ran over my hair, and I felt my ring on it.

  “You’ll be fine. You don’t drink like your mom did, do you? And you care. So you aren’t going to do the stuff your mom did. And I’m going to be there too…”

  That only made me cry more. I felt like I didn’t deserve him today. He felt too nice for me. It was another of those days I’d choose to beat my battered ego up with a bad guy. My brain had been spinning from high to low and up again all night, and now I was just exhausted.

 
He held me tighter for a moment, then he pulled away looking into my eyes. “We’ll go to the library and get books, shall we? A ton of them. I never had younger brothers and sisters so I’m as blind to this as you are…”

  I smiled at his reassurance. He knew the things to say to me. I nodded.

  “It’s going to be okay,” he chucked me under the chin and smiled. God he was such a beautiful sight when he smiled, especially with his top off. My smile lifted more, and then I put my coffee aside, and moved so that I could half lie in front of him, leaning against his chest. His fingers stroked through my hair.

  “Your cousin, Katie, told me something at the party.”

  “What?”

  “Lindy told her she’d slept with Billy before you even met me.”

  “No…” It sounded like surprise. Not outrage. My fingers pressed on his thigh, sensitive to the feel of the masculine hair on his skin as I sat upright twisting back to see his face.

  “Seriously, she wasn’t making it up. Does it bother you?”

  His smile quirked sideways and he shook his head. “No, no. I guess not. I mean even if I hadn’t met you, I think I would’ve been relieved. I knew from about two weeks after we got engaged that things wouldn’t work out when I came to New York. But shit… with Billy? And then to be like that with you… she needs to see someone. Why didn’t you say before? I could have told Mom.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t tell your mom, there’s no need for us to make other people judge her. She knows she’s in the wrong. She must be feeling guilty. Katie said she thinks that’s why you dumped her, ‘cause you sensed it. She’s blaming herself anyway, but it’s just easier for her to take her anger out on me.”

  His fingers brushed my hair back from my brow. “You, are worth a lot, Rach. You’re precious. I’m sorry my parents treated you so badly and I’m sorry your mom did too.”

  I picked up my coffee and drank it then, leaning against him as he stroked my hair, and we talked of other stuff. I felt better, I always felt better when I was just with him.

  When he finished his coffee, he said. “Seeing as we’re up, do you want to go for a run?”

  I shook my head, I wasn’t in the mood. “No I’d rather stay here and have a soak in the bath. You go though, you’ll enjoy it. It won’t be busy.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, of course. You don’t mind?”

  “Honey, of course I don’t mind. I’d never force you into doing anything. You just run with me when you want to, okay?”

  I nodded. I’d got used to his kindness before I’d met his family but now his kindness felt like looking into a window at his life, while I was still outside it. He fingers brushed through my hair again, and he gave me a closed lip smile that suggested he understood how I felt. “When I get back, we’ll do something special together. Yeah?”

  I nodded again, and then I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, in just a gentle touch. It was the sort of kiss I’d never given anyone but him. One that said, I love you.

  ~

  I ran down to Prospect Park. I felt like I needed to think, although I didn’t even know about what. Feelings, memories, hurts, were all cluttered up in my head. I’d left Rach behind, and it made guilt cut into my chest, but I needed this run; my blood itched for activity, and my brain just wanted to slip into the running zone. The pace of my running, and the beat of the music from the compilation Rach had made me, started setting my thoughts into a rolling order. They focused on Rachel.

  I thought of her standing on Manhattan Bridge in the beam of light shining from above, in a t-shirt, on a freezing cold night. I thought of tending her cut hand, as she sat upright in the bath, with her knees curled to her chest. I thought of her working her first night in the restaurant, and buying her clothes, teasing me with glimpses of the underwear she was picking. I thought of her singing Katy Perry’s Firework on the karaoke stage. I saw her showing me how to drink a tequila slammer and dropping a shot of Jäger into a glass of Red Bull, and then I saw her pacing outside Dad’s store, and handing me presents sitting on top of the bed Christmas morning.

  I felt her, remembering how we’d made love in the alley, while sirens and traffic, and people, serenaded our urgent embrace.

  I thought of her kissing me in the shower after we’d come back from a run. Of her doubled over with a stitch when she’d started running; of making love to her that last night at Mom and Dad’s.

  Then I thought of her speaking of her past this morning, and sitting on the rail in Brooklyn Bridge Park and telling me she loved me.

  Lastly, I thought of how she looked when I got up and went to work, lying in bed, asleep, silent and beautiful.

  I thought of all the damning words Mom had spoken against Rach. They were all wrong. That girl had had a hell of a life, she deserved some peace now. I’d told her I was staying with her and the baby, but what she needed wasn’t promises, it was stability. She needed security and the baby was going to need a father. Surely if I was going to commit, I ought to do it right.

  What was the point in hesitating? I’d have to do it before she had the baby.

  I circulated the park with the idea growing inside me. Why not? The music played in my ears and the winter sun shone down on me. The cold air felt good in my lungs, fresh.

  Why not?

  I wanted to stay with her.

  I was in love with her. More in love than I’d been with Lindy when I’d made the same choice.

  Why not? Perhaps it wasn’t normal to do it so quickly, but everything about Rach and I, from the first night, hadn’t been normal. Rach wasn’t a normal sort of girl. She’d stepped up my gears and chased me from the slow ride toward a dead end I’d been heading down onto a racing track of life. I felt right with her, energized and happy, even though we’d been through hell the last few days.

  Shit. We were going to have a baby together.

  I didn’t want the baby growing up without the sort of home I’d had. Rach and the baby needed somewhere safe, and there was only one way to guarantee that.

  And why was I even searching for more reasons. I didn’t need excuses to do it. I loved her. I’d never felt this way before, it was real and long-term, and––why not? Rach’s rashness was rubbing off on me. I loved that she could make choices in a second, and that she did stuff without considering the consequence. I wasn’t going to think of consequence. I was going to be like her and just do what I felt like doing.

  I looked at my watch; it was nearly eight-thirty.

  I left the park and headed toward 7th Avenue.

  I think the woman in the store thought me mad, or a mugger, as I hovered outside waiting for her to open up, and then scanned the trays of rings wearing my sweats, with my earphones dangling ‘round my neck. I didn’t even know Rach’s ring size, but I guessed it. I knew Lindy’s size and Rach’s fingers were a little more slender. I sold them Lindy’s ring that I’d been carrying in my wallet and picked another. One that would go with the bracelet I’d got her.

  Then I went to an internet café.

  When I got home, I told Rach we were going out that night. But nothing more.

  Chapter Nineteen

  There was an odd mix of emotion inside me as I pulled on my jeans. Jason and I had spent the day together. We’d gone to the Bronx Zoo, to be different. I think he’d hoped to make me laugh as we looked at some of the odd looking animals. He’d succeeded. But then he’d insisted we come back and get changed to go out again for the evening. I slipped on my emerald shirt, before looking in the mirror on the wall and doing my makeup.

  Jason hovered at the bedroom door watching me. I smiled at him in the mirror then poked out my tongue. He laughed and came closer, then smacked my bottom gently.

  “Great ass.”

  I turned and his hands slotted about my waist, the moment before he kissed me.

  Life was so domesticated with him. It still felt like I was playing at it.

  My arms lifted to his shoulders and
I cocked my head to one side. “So what’s our itinerary tonight?”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know…” He tapped my nose. “It’s a surprise, Rach.”

  “Can’t I just have a little clue?”

  “No.”

  “Does it involve Santa and the North Pole?”

  He laughed.

  “Snow?”

  He lifted one eyebrow.

  “Oh you’re cruel.”

  “And you’re just going to have to wait.” He laughed.

  I knew he’d spent the day trying to cheer me up. It wasn’t gonna work, my stupid head had slipped into a low gear now, but I loved him even more for trying. This nice guy thing was working for me… I smiled.

  “Are you ready?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Well let’s go then and let the adventure begin.” He was smiling too, but an odd twist lifted his lips.

  We went to the subway station. It was busy, as so many people had come to New York for Christmas and New Year.

  As we stood on the subway train, holding each other’s hand, while gripping a pole with our free hands, I whispered, “Where are we going?” pushing for details once more.

  His forehead tipped to mine. “We’re going to dinner in Chinatown.”

  “And there was I thinking this was gonna be seasonal. I thought we’d be ice-skating.”

  He smiled at me. “Sorry, then, Chinatown’s a disappointment.”

  I kissed his lips, wondering if we were making others in the carriage uncomfortable as we were so absorbed in each other.

  “Nowhere is a disappointment if you are there.”

  We walked from the subway station into Chinatown. Its bright lights and colorful exteriors lit up the night.

  He kept a hold of my hand the whole time, weaving a path for us through the crowds. We got a corner table and shared a quarter duck with pancakes, and then a set menu meal for two. We talked all the time, and I could laugh, because the coin had spun inside me again and landed happy side up.

  We discussed the baby, and how we imagined life would be. He was the sort of guy who’d feed it and change diapers, and walk it in its buggy to help it sleep. He’d be the perfect dad. But he wasn’t the dad. I pushed that thought away. I didn’t want to think of Declan now. I didn’t want to think of Declan ever again.