by Cat Mann
****
“Does it matter?” I stewed and hid in the office and then, after a search, I found her alone in the empty nursery. “Will you stop loving me?”
“No.” She turned and blinked her sad eyes, “no, of course not. I love you no matter what. I didn’t know how upset you would get. I’m sorry, Ari. I am really sorry. Don’t be angry with me.”
I hated that she just apologized to me. I hated that I made her feel that she was the one who was wrong. But it was what I had to do to keep us happy. It was what I had to do to keep her from asking me and from finding out my secret.
“I forgive you. Who I am does not matter, Ava. Do not dwell on this. All that matters is, I love you.”
“I love you.” She looked away from me and back to the empty space and the white walls and cold, hardwood floors.
“When are we going to get started on decorating the baby’s room?”
“I was waiting on you to decide.”
Somehow, I managed to suppress an overwhelming feeling relief and I beamed up at her. “Well, I was waiting on you to decide. We can get started in here whenever you would like. Do you have an idea of what you would like to do in the room? It would probably be easier if we knew what we were having. Pink or blue.”
“I don’t want either color. I bought this today.” Ava had an unsure look on her face and I slanted my head to the side in curious wonder at her little voice and pink blushing cheeks.
She held up a cream-colored baby blanket. The blanket was soft and sweet.
She bit and chewed at her bottom lip. “Your mom dragged me to that new baby boutique in town and I couldn’t resist this little blanket. I can’t believe she talked me into buying it, the silly thing cost a fortune.” She added the last part shyly and I threw my head back and laughed. Ava is the last of all people to worry about price tags and money.
“This is very pretty, I am sure it is worth the…” I glanced down at the tag, “two hundred dollars? Two hundred dollars for a tiny rectangle of fabric? Baio is right to jump on the baby wagon, we are going to make a killing with baio babe.”
“Don’t talk baio with me,” she warned, obviously still angry from my broken promise about not working.
“You’re right, I won’t. Forgive me. Let’s talk about us. Our baby is going to love this blanket, Ava. We still need to crib shop. Maybe next weekend will work. What colors do you want for the room?”
Ava is a smart woman. She would figure me out and she would return with her questions with force and at some point, I would lose to her. She would find me out and doubt our love. But for now, I would keep her busy and the baby always keeps Ava busy.
“I want to keep the nursery simple with soft greys and creams. Can you have the decorator draw some ideas up for us?”
“I’ll call her after the holiday.”
“Thanks.” She smiled her first real smile at me.
“Are you getting excited about our baby now?”
“I have always been excited about our unexpected news. I am elated that we get to raise a biological child together. My apprehension has never been about having a baby. My anxiety lies with having a baby who is a deity and born to honor a life he didn’t choose. It’s not fair. I want our child’s destiny to be undecided. I want our baby to be free to be whomever he or she chooses to be.”
I agreed with her completely but there was no sense in dwelling over something that was out of our control.
“There are worse things in life than being born like you and me. Our child will never know what it is like to go without love. Our child will never be hungry or cold. Our child with have two parents who will love each other forever, and together we will love her forever. That is more than a lot of people in this world can say.”
Ava nodded her head slowly in thought.
“Here. This blanket officially marks this room as Baby Alexander’s.” I draped the soft blanket across the window seat cushion. “The nursery will be put together in no time.”
“Actually …”
“Yes?” My brow rose in question at her hesitance.
“Forget it, it’s super stupid.”
“You have never said anything super stupid before, so lay it on me.”
“It’s just … I thought that maybe if we had the blanket in our room, and used it until the baby is born, the fabric would start to smell like us and not some gaudy store. Our familiar scent will be comforting to our baby at night.”
“I think that’s a great idea.”
“Yeah?”
“Not super stupid at all. I could actually use a blanket, since you persist in ripping ours off of me in the middle of the night.”
“I do not!”
“Sure you don’t.”
We left the room with our new baby blanket in hand to get ready for the afternoon of pool time followed by dinner and fireworks. My heart was still racing. I was keeping a secret that would break Ava’s heart.