Love & Lies

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  “But how? How can we understand something as tragic as this?”

  “I don’t know, but we have to try because we don’t have any other choice. And we can’t forget about Matthew. We can’t forget that he’s still going to need us the same as always, if not more.”

  I felt like crying again, and while I tried not to, I couldn’t help it. I wept and wept until two nurses came to get us.

  “If you’ll come with us, we’ll take you to see your daughter now,” one of them said, and we followed them down the hallway.

  But as we walked, something hit me. Only hours before, I’d been plotting Tabitha’s miscarriage and planning for her to plummet down our staircase. I’d literally made myself believe I could coax her up to our second floor and then push her like it was nothing. I’d actually allowed my mind to veer off in such an insane direction, and I was sorry.

  Sorry because, little had I’d known, Marissa was going to take the fall instead.

  Chapter 31

  CHARLOTTE

  “Mom, she’s gone,” I said to my mother.

  “Who’s gone? And gone where?”

  “Curtis and I just got back home from the hospital and—”

  “Oh no, Charlotte, baby, I’m so sorry. Janine was such a good friend to you. But I thought you said she was doing better this morning. Better than the doctor had expected.”

  “No, Mom, I’m not talking about Janine. I’m talking about Marissa.”

  “What do you mean, you’re talking about Marissa?”

  “She’s gone. She fell down the stairs.”

  “Dear God, how?”

  “It’s a long story, but the whole thing was an accident. She lost her balance, her body flipped multiple times around the curve, and she hit the pot sitting to the side at the bottom.”

  “Lord, Joe, honey, this is Charlotte and she’s got some horrible news.”

  “Sweetheart, what’s going on?” my father asked me.

  “Marissa died earlier this afternoon.”

  “Died? No, no, no!”

  “She did, Daddy.”

  “What happened?” he asked, and I told him the same thing I’d told Mom. “We’ll be there as soon as we can get a bag packed.”

  “Thank you, Daddy, because I really need you and Mom to be here.”

  “How are Matthew and Curtis?”

  “They’re hanging in there,” I said, looking at Matthew, who was sitting on the sofa, crying. Curtis was pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace.

  “Sweetheart, you all try to hang in there, and we’ll see you in a couple of hours or so.”

  When I hung up, I went over to Matthew, and he lay in my arms the way he used to when he was Marissa’s age.

  “Honey, I know it hurts, so you just let it all out, okay?”

  “Why did she have to die? Sometimes she was mean but she couldn’t help that something was wrong with her. She really couldn’t help it, Mom.”

  “I know, baby.”

  “I always tried to be a good brother.”

  “Honey, you were the best big brother she could have had.”

  “I’m really sorry.”

  “Hey,” I said, turning his face toward me. “This isn’t your fault, so you don’t have a thing to apologize for.”

  “That’s right, son, you don’t have to feel bad about any of this.”

  “But, Dad, I knew she needed help. I knew it for a long time but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want my friends thinking something was wrong with me, too. I didn’t want them thinking I was crazy, and that’s why I didn’t say anything. That’s why I let her treat me any way she wanted to and I never got mad at her.”

  “Honey, I’m sorry you’ve been carrying such a huge weight on your shoulders, but you listen to me. Getting Marissa help wasn’t your responsibility. It was mine and your father’s and no one else’s. Actually, it was my responsibility because your father didn’t really know either.”

  “She was always such a good girl, Dad, whenever you were around, and that’s why I used to pray that you would stop traveling so much. I used to pray all the time so we could all be happy. And I wanted you and Mom to stop hating each other so you could get back to loving each other the way you used to before Marissa was born.”

  Curtis and I looked at each other in horror and I knew he was just as hurt as I was. Matthew was telling us to our faces that we were lousy parents. I know he didn’t mean to, but his message was coming across very clearly.

  “I wanna go up to my room and lie down,” Matthew said, wiping his face with both his hands.

  “Honey, are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay then, we’ll be up to check on you in a while,” I said, and he hugged both of us.

  “Charlotte, what have we done?” Curtis asked once Matthew was out of the room.

  “Way too much, and, at the same time, not nearly enough.”

  “I’ve been so selfish. I’ve been that way most of my adult life and I still haven’t learned. Even after losing two churches, two wives, and a mother, I still kept on my road to destruction. And now after Marissa’s accident and the mistake I made with Tabitha, I’m sure I’m going to lose you, too,” Curtis said, running his hands across the top of his head and still pacing.

  “No you’re not. Not after seeing how much we’ve hurt Matthew. We owe him a happy life and that’s what we have to give him.”

  “I agree, so just tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” Curtis said, and I’d never seen him more humble. “I’ll do whatever you want because I’m tired of living the way we have been. I’m tired of bragging about you in public and then sleeping with someone else behind closed doors. I’m forever through with that lifestyle, and while I know it’s going to take time for you to believe me, I’m going to be faithful to you from now on. As God is my witness, you’re the only woman in my life from this day forward.”

  “And I promise I won’t lie to you anymore or keep secrets from you the way I have.”

  “We still have to deal with Tabitha, but we’ll do it however you decide.”

  I left the sofa and fell deeply into Curtis’s embrace.

  And we stayed that way until we went up to see about Matthew.

  Chapter 32

  JANINE

  The funeral had commenced yesterday afternoon and I was still feeling pretty bad about not being able to go. I knew I wasn’t able to, but the idea that I hadn’t been able to console or support Charlotte during the worst time in her life was causing me great pain. I had terribly wanted to be there for her the way she had been here for me. Especially since she’d still come here the day my kidney had been removed, which unfortunately had been the day after Marissa had passed. I knew it had taken everything in Charlotte to spend time at this particular hospital, the same one Marissa had been brought to, but she’d never complained. As a matter of fact, when I’d been wheeled back from recovery, Curtis and Matthew had come in to see me for a few minutes, too, and I appreciated that more than they knew.

  Then there was Carl, who was sitting in my room right now, right next to my bed, and all I could do was smile whenever I looked at him. There were moments when I couldn’t help thinking he was too good to be true, but on the other hand, I knew it was time I gave someone like him a fair chance. Someone who wanted to do anything they could for me and who wasn’t expecting a thing in return. Someone who was nothing like Antonio.

  Speaking of which, Antonio had been denied bail, so, thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about him trying to attack me again. Not to mention he couldn’t phone the hospital collect, so I didn’t have to worry about him calling me either.

  For the first time in a long time, I felt free. I knew I wouldn’t be totally safe until the trial was over and Antonio had been sentenced, but I still felt a lot better than I had in weeks. It was true that I had scars I would always have to live with and one less kidney to depend on, but I wasn’t going to complain. I wouldn’t complain because I couldn’t
change my misfortunes. Today was a new day with new possibilities and it was high time I realized that, and time I learned that I really did have my whole life ahead of me and that I could be happy. I deserved to be happy and now I knew I didn’t have to accept anything less. I’d learned the hard way, but the important thing was that I could now move forward.

  “Are you warm enough?” Carl asked, pulling the covers closer to my neck.

  “I am.”

  “Are you thirsty?”

  “If you don’t mind, I could have a little more ice water,” I said, and he stood and poured some from the plastic pitcher into an oversized Styrofoam cup. “You should go home to get some rest. You’ve been here all day.”

  “My employees have everything covered with my business so I’m fine.”

  “I think it was better when I was in the ICU because at least then you went home at night.”

  “Only because Charlotte was here most of those times, and because in the ICU, the nurses were keeping full-time watch over you. But now that you’re in a regular room, you’re all alone.”

  “That’s why I have this,” I said, showing him my call button.

  “You’re funny.”

  “I know,” I said, and we both laughed.

  “I know you don’t understand, but I really am here because I want to be. If you were home, I’d still want to spend all my time with you, so this is no different.”

  “It’s a lot different because I’m lying in a hospital bed, trying to heal, and you’re suffering with major back pain because of that recliner.”

  “Now, that I won’t deny,” he said, smiling.

  “See, that’s why I want you to go home.”

  “Not gonna happen. Not until I know you’re comfortable for the night and you’ve fallen off to sleep.”

  “Well, at least you won’t have to do this once I’m released.”

  “And why is that?”

  “I’ll be staying with Charlotte and Curtis, remember?”

  “Yeah, and the only reason I’m not arguing about that is because at some point I will have to get back to work on a more full-time basis.”

  “Curtis has already told you that you can visit every day and as often as you want, and of course Charlotte feels the same way.”

  “It’s really nice of them to open up their home to you the way they have.”

  “That’s just how they are.”

  “I keep trying to imagine how they must feel, losing a child so tragically, but I know it’s not possible.”

  “I don’t think anyone can unless they’ve had the same experience.”

  I hadn’t told Carl about Marissa’s visits to a psychiatrist or about the emotional disturbances she seemed to be having, but I knew this was bothering Charlotte, too. I knew because she’d told me yesterday that she wished she’d gotten Marissa the help she needed a lot sooner. She’d even told me why she’d tried to ignore her symptoms and I’d been shocked. She’d told me everything about Aaron, where he was, and that he was Marissa’s natural father.

  I flipped through the TV channels and then looked back over at Carl, who was gazing at me.

  “What?” I said.

  “Nothing.”

  “You’re staring at me and it’s for no reason?”

  “I guess I’m doing it because it’s hard for me to believe you’re everything I want in a woman.”

  “You still don’t know that for sure.”

  “I know how empty I feel when I’m not with you, and that speaks a thousand words.”

  “Even though you’re seeing me at my worst? Even though I only have one kidney and it will be months before I’m hopefully back to normal?”

  “You’re still just as beautiful to me as the day I met you.”

  “Now I know something’s wrong with you.”

  “See, you’re joking, but I’m trying to be serious.”

  “But the only reason I keep joking is because I don’t want to be hurt again.”

  “I would never do that, and as time goes on, you’ll realize that. But maybe the question is, how do you feel about me?”

  My first instinct was to avoid the question as best I could, but Carl had done so much for me that I had to be honest.

  “I’m to the point where if you tell me you’re going to be here at three o’clock, then I start looking toward the doorway ten minutes before. And I keep looking until I see you walking through it. After that, I feel totally at peace, and like I’m actually in heaven.”

  “Are you in love with me?”

  I didn’t look away from him but I didn’t answer either.

  “Are you? Because I’m in love with you. I told you that the first night you were in here and I meant it.”

  Tears rolled down my face because I desperately wanted to believe him.

  “What are you crying for?” he said, wiping away my tears.

  “Because I am in love with you. But I’m also afraid. I’m not afraid to give our relationship a chance, but I’m afraid that I’ll continue to fall further in love with you and then you’ll change your mind about everything.”

  “If you don’t change, I won’t change. Okay?”

  I nodded and Carl kissed me.

  He kissed me and I could feel the love between us—even as I lay in my hospital bed, with bruises, cuts, and no makeup. Even though we’d never had sex and for the most part hadn’t had a chance to discuss it.

  We kissed and I wondered if he would in fact be my husband one day.

  One Year Later

  Epilogue

  CHARLOTTE

  “You look so, so beautiful,” I said to Janine while hugging her.

  “Well, if I do, it’s because you were sweet enough to buy me the dress of a lifetime.”

  “And I would do it again in a heartbeat because you deserve the absolute best. You’ve been through so much over this past year, and this was the least Curtis and I could do for you.”

  “Carl and I will be indebted to both of you forever because this wedding has cost a fortune.”

  “Please. The only thing we want is for the two of you to be happy.”

  “And we will. I really do believe that,” she said, pulling out a tissue. “We have to stop all this before I ruin my makeup.”

  “Well, we wouldn’t want that, now would we?” I said, and we both laughed.

  Then I straightened the lengthy train attached to her dress and made sure her veil was perfectly in place. She looked no differently than any of the women who modeled for the top wedding magazines and I was so happy for her. Happy because, healthwise, she’d now recovered completely, and because Carl had ended up being the man he’d said he was. He’d stood by her from beginning to end and then asked her to marry him six months after their initial meeting. Janine had still been somewhat hesitant, but it hadn’t taken long for her to realize that marrying Carl truly was the right thing to do. Even her father had felt the same way the moment he’d met him and had given them his blessings before passing on to his glory just two months ago.

  Losing her father had been very difficult, but Janine had found comfort in knowing that he was no longer in pain and was finally resting in peace. And interestingly enough, Curtis and I were finally feeling the same way about Marissa, but now I knew my grandmother had been right when she’d told me that there was no loss greater than when a person lost a child or a parent.

  But the best news had arrived two days ago, when Janine had learned that Antonio had been sentenced to twenty years with no chance of parole until he’d served at least eighteen of them. Of course, when Janine had come home from the hospital, he’d tried calling her, but she’d never answered and since he’d been forced to remain in the county jail until his trial, she hadn’t had to worry about him making any more surprise visits. For a while, she’d been worried about his friends and what they might do, but thankfully, they’d never bothered her.

  And then there was Curtis and me and our handsome little Matthew, who was now thirteen and one of t
he top honor students in the city. Not to mention he had amazing skills in football and he was only in eighth grade. We were so proud of him we could burst, and glad we had finally given him the happy home he’d wanted. Curtis and I had, at last, made a lifetime commitment to each other and we were finally living for better or worse. He was home a lot more and only traveled when it was truly necessary, and we spent more time as a family than anyone we knew. Curtis and I also spent time away as a couple every chance we got.

  Our greatest test, though, had presented itself when Tabitha had given birth to their little girl, because all I could think about was Marissa and how I’d neglected her. But still Curtis and I had supported each other through the entire ordeal, and Tabitha seemed somewhat less resentful once we’d given her a lump sum of money that was more than generous and we’d agreed in writing to pay her fifteen hundred dollars per month until the child turned eighteen, offer complete health coverage, and cover all college expenses when the time came for the child to go.

  So today life was good for Curtis, Matthew, and me, and it was all because Curtis and I had stepped up to the plate and made the right choices where everyone was concerned. We’d even gone to visit Aaron so we could tell him about Marissa and hired Tracy back as our housekeeper because I’d soon come to realize that my firing her had been based solely on anger and regret. The only thing we hadn’t done was tell Matthew that Curtis wasn’t his biological father, but we’d already decided to do that, too, in a couple of weeks. We were both dreading it, but we couldn’t take the chance of Matthew finding out the way Marissa had and then having him despise us because of it.

  We couldn’t conceal any more secrets, not ever again, because lies and secrets had almost destroyed us.

  We couldn’t do that because we had both finally changed for the better.

  Finally, for the first time ever, we were happy.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  First and foremost, I am thankful to God for continuing to bless my life over and over again and for continually guiding me down the path You want me to follow.