Worthy of Love

by Carly Phillips

  TEN

  The aftershocks of her climax had barely subsided when Kevin rolled off her. “Don’t want to crush you,” he muttered.

  Nikki didn’t believe him. More like he didn’t want to be inside her once his brain kicked back into gear and he’d have to face what he was feeling. She inhaled and refused to give in to despair. The seductive masculine scent that was so much a part of him wrapped itself around her, giving her strength.

  She wouldn’t give up a possible future. Not without a fight. She wasn’t sure when she’d made the decision. She did know she’d been struggling with it, fighting an internal battle between what was best for her baby and what was safest for her heart. There was no contest as to which was more important.

  The scene with his father should have convinced her to back off and have nothing to do with him. After all, she’d seen why he couldn’t sustain relationships easily and knew what a struggle it would be to force him to try. He’d had no family to speak of growing up and she didn’t want her child raised with an absent father, or worse, none at all.

  If she were to give her baby the sense of family she’d had, if she was going to give all of them that feeling of family, she’d have to start at the beginning. She reached for his hand and brought it to rest on the slight swell of her stomach, which felt like it had blossomed overnight. “You can feel the baby kick as early as fourteen weeks,” she said.

  She met his gaze. No doubt he’d been expecting her to question his emotions or the reasons he’d backed off. But an overt grasp for his heart wouldn’t work. Instead, she planned to ambush him slowly until his heart and hers were so closely intertwined he couldn’t tell whose was beating stronger, or faster. Until he didn’t want to.

  “It’s too soon then.” His fingers curled more tightly against her stomach. More possessively, she thought.

  “It’s too soon,” she agreed. “But a few more weeks and it won’t be.” She looked into his dark eyes. “Will you want to feel it? Or will you want to run?”

  He lay a hand over his forehead and covered his eyes. “You don’t ask for much, do you?”

  Now that their lovemaking was over and the world had intruded, a chill rushed over her skin. “I’m not asking for anything at all.” She tugged at the bedsheet until it covered her exposed skin. The cotton was cool and did nothing to warm her, so she curled into Kevin’s body heat. The chill eased completely. She wasn’t surprised.

  “I helped create this life. You know I want to be part of everything.” He wrapped his arm around her waist. Because she’d pushed first or not, she’d never know.

  “I didn’t know or I wouldn’t have asked. But that aside, there was more of a point to the question.”

  “What is it?”

  “If you want to share in the physical changes in my body, we’re going to have to come to some kind of understanding,” Nikki said.

  Kevin bolted upright beside her. “What kind of understanding?” he asked warily.

  “I’ll marry you, Kevin. I’ll give my baby his father’s name and the best possible medical care. I’ll give you a home and try to be the best wife I can be. I only ask one thing in return.” She had a nerve asking anything at all, she knew. He was doing all the giving just to make her life—and their baby’s life—easier.

  “Why do I think giving blood would be easier than whatever’s on your mind?” he muttered. “You have to know I’ll do whatever it takes to keep both of you safe.”

  She sighed. So it all came down to that again. To responsibility. What she wanted from him entailed so much more. “Safety isn’t the issue, Kevin.”

  She curled her legs beneath her. Being naked around him didn’t embarrass her, which said so much about her trust and faith in him. Why couldn’t he see that?

  They sat in silence. He obviously waited for her to continue. She couldn’t ask him to love her. Either he did or he didn’t.

  She hung her head for a minute, gathering her thoughts. “A baby should be born into an atmosphere of peace and harmony. Into a family,” she explained at last.

  * * *

  She raised her head and Kevin met her gaze. “Like I said… you don’t ask much, do you?” She didn’t just want what he could give her or the baby. She wanted his heart and soul. His heart was rusty from disuse and aged beyond his years, while his soul was something he’d discarded when Tony died.

  She might as well have asked him to cut himself in two. But he had to admit he’d set himself up for this. Every move he’d made had been an uncalculated step in this direction. Sleeping with Nikki, getting her pregnant, asking her to move in, and insisting they marry.

  And now she wanted it all—the white picket fence and the family out of a Norman Rockwell painting. How could he expect a woman like Nikki, a wholesome woman from a close-knit family, to want anything less? He actually envied her wide-eyed optimism.

  If she thought he was capable of making the attempt, how could he deny her? “You really think someone like me can give you what you want?” he asked.

  She nodded. “All I want,” she said softly, “is you.”

  That’s what he was afraid of. “When?” he asked.

  She inhaled and a visible shudder rippled through her. So she wasn’t any more sure of this arrangement than he. “As soon as possible.”

  He wondered if she was still trying to convince herself marrying him was the right thing to do. He couldn’t blame her. As soon as possible would prevent either of them from changing their minds—or running from their feelings.

  As soon as possible was the right thing for everyone. He nodded. “Next weekend work for you?” he asked.

  Wide-eyed, she gave a small nod of assent. He looked into those violet eyes. Eyes that shimmered with emotion and brimmed with tears. No way were they tears of joy. She was stuck with him.

  But they’d made their bed almost three months ago. It was time to sleep in it. Damning himself for a fool, he pulled her into his arms.

  * * *

  Nikki had to hand it to Kevin—he hadn’t been avoiding the house, nor had he been avoiding her. If his presence was all she wanted, then she’d have to say he’d been trying. Just as she’d asked.

  Just as he’d promised.

  But his emotions had remained firmly in check and, despite her best efforts, she hadn’t been able to tap into them. With their wedding two days away, Nikki felt as though the minutes of her life were ticking down. She was marrying the man she’d dreamed of marrying, but for all the wrong reasons.

  All the wrong personal reasons, she amended. She placed her hand over her stomach and wondered when the nervous jitters would turn into the real flutters described in the books. She couldn’t wait to feel her baby kick. Evidence of life symbolized hope. She’d do anything for the happiness and security of this child, even if it meant risking her heart.

  When she heard Kevin’s key turn in the lock, she braced herself for the inevitable awkwardness between them. Kevin surrounded himself with mile-high barriers. It would have felt like an icy reserve, if she hadn’t known better. Because that chill wasn’t ever-present. At night beneath the covers, the chill evaporated, replaced by a sizzling heat.

  They shared more than just the same double bed in her room. Way beyond sex, she and Kevin connected in a meaningful way. He engaged her heart and soul, and she was able to let herself go. Because she was giving herself to Kevin, and he to her. When he was inside her, he didn’t hold himself back on any level. He gave of himself endlessly. She wanted to grab onto that closeness and bring it into the light of day.

  So far, she hadn’t been successful. She supposed she should be grateful there was any time at all when she could breach his reserve, get past his fear and distrust. Not of Nikki, but of himself. The irony wasn’t lost on her. If he hadn’t trusted her, she could work to prove herself to him, but how could she get him to believe in himself? In his own worthiness, when the man who’d raised him was a constant reminder of his so-called failures.

  “Nikki
?” His voice called out from the hall.

  “In my room.” Although he’d wanted her to move into the master bedroom where she’d be more comfortable—or so he’d said, she’d insisted on waiting until they were married. In her mind, it was another way to make the distinction between “individual” and “couple” mean something to Kevin.

  Since she’d been able to reach him in bed, his bedroom, the place where they would begin their married life, that was the place she would start. A resourceful woman could work with that, and in the last couple of months, Nikki had learned to be more resourceful than she’d ever dreamed she could be.

  * * *

  “Hi there.” Kevin walked into her dimly lit room. Nikki sat with an open magazine on her lap, the glow of a small bedside lamp illuminating her delicate features.

  Ever since they’d made their decision, she appeared more serene and calm than he could admit to being. Not because he wanted to back out, but because he was waiting for her to do it first.

  She glanced at the small digital clock on the nightstand. “Is everything okay? You’re usually home much earlier.” Her hand curled around the comforter in a tight fist. “I didn’t mean I was keeping tabs on you or anything. I just meant that…”

  He let out a long breath of air. “I didn’t think you were checking up on me.”

  “Everything okay at work?”

  He nodded. “I stopped by to see Max.” Not because he wanted to but because he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t make sure his old man was okay.

  “How’s he doing?”

  “He wasn’t there.” Kevin had a hunch where he could have found his father, but he wasn’t in the mood to hit the seedy bars downtown.

  She patted the empty side of the bed. “Sit down and relax,” she murmured.

  Every day, he promised himself he wouldn’t climb into bed with Nikki and selfishly take what she so unselfishly offered. But he couldn’t stop himself—and she didn’t seem to mind. If anything, the stiltedness between them dissolved each time he joined her beneath the covers.

  She’d asked him to make an effort at doing the family thing. But he wasn’t comfortable sharing his feelings over the dinner table, as he’d never grown up with a family who ate together or discussed their daily events. No one really cared about anything except tiptoeing around his old man’s moods and temper.

  Yet, as soon as he joined Nikki in bed, the discomfort dissolved and barriers dropped. He hoped she was satisfied with that because he couldn’t offer any more. He just didn’t know how.

  At her prompting, he sat down on top of the comforter. She turned toward him and drew her legs up to rest her chin on her knees. He met her gaze and she extended her hand. Meet me halfway, she seemed to be asking.

  And there was nothing he wanted more.

  Before he could take her hand, the jarring ring of the telephone shattered the peaceful, welcome silence. And after he’d taken the call, he knew peace was like hope. Both damn illusions.

  * * *

  Kevin could swear he heard his heart pounding during the entire half-hour trip into Boston. By the time he parked, he’d worked up a good sweat. He’d seen Max in many situations, but flat on his back in a hospital bed would be a new one.

  When they got inside, the emergency room of the hospital was bustling with people. Kevin stopped at the sign-in desk. “I’m here to see Max Manning.”

  The harassed-looking woman behind the desk glanced down at a clipboard filled with names and other information. “Are you immediate family?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  Nikki slipped her hand inside his and squeezed once. He appreciated the reassurance. He wasn’t sure he would have been able to make it through this without her by his side. Seeming to understand, she hadn’t said a word. After he’d hung up the phone, she’d just climbed out of bed and dressed so she could accompany him to the hospital—where she’d get to witness yet another reason why she shouldn’t want or expect anything from Kevin Manning.

  “Through those doors and ask at the desk inside,” the woman said, then turned to the next person on line behind them.

  They stepped aside. “Maybe I should have had him move into the house,” Kevin muttered. But he’d escaped hell once, and he hadn’t wanted to live with Max ever again. Selfish, Kevin knew. Because now his father lay passed out in a hospital bed.

  “You can’t stop a drunk from drinking,” Nikki said, reminding him of his own words.

  He shrugged. She was right, but damned if he could shake the nagging notion that he could have prevented this. Just like he could have prevented Tony’s death. If he’d just been there. “I’d better get in to see him.”

  She nodded in agreement “I’ll wait here,” she said in an obvious effort to give him space.

  He ought to take it but couldn’t. He gave Nikki’s hand a tug and headed through the emergency room doors, uncertain what he’d find. What he found was Max, looking sallow and appearing to be out cold in a small cubicle enclosed by a curtain similar to the one found in bathtub showers.

  Kevin shook his head. Change the scenery and the hospital bed, and this could have been Max’s living room couch. “Is he okay?” Kevin asked the attending nurse.

  “He’s stable. The doctor will be by with more information later. He’s resting comfortably now.”

  He nodded. “Thanks.”

  Kevin walked to the bed and stood over his father. He couldn’t say the man had raised him. By sheer luck and a sainted mother, he’d survived. And he had to admit, just by looking at Max, he’d survived well. He hadn’t thought so up till now, but at least he hadn’t ended up a drunk like his old man, and that was saying something.

  Kevin’s childhood had been a nightmare. Though he wanted so much more for his child than he’d been given, he didn’t know if he was capable of providing it. All he’d managed so far was one letdown after another.

  But Nikki had asked him to try. Looking at his father now, Kevin knew he’d have to give more than he’d managed so far. He’d have to be there for them both.

  He only hoped it would be enough.

  * * *

  Nikki woke up alone in her bed. Because Kevin had been adamant, she’d taken a taxi home from the hospital so she could get a decent night’s sleep on a comfortable mattress. For the baby’s sake, and for Kevin’s peace of mind, she’d agreed, but she hadn’t left him willingly. She just didn’t want to give him something else to worry about when he should be focusing on his father.

  After a quick shower and change, she called for a cab and headed back to the hospital. Max had been admitted and Nikki tiptoed into his room so as not to disturb him. But the sight that greeted her was more moving and more disturbing to her than she’d anticipated.

  Max lay in much the same position they’d found him in last night, sleeping on his back, an IV sticking out of his arm. But Kevin had fallen asleep in a hardback chair he’d pulled to the side of the bed, no doubt so he could watch over the father he didn’t understand.

  He was standing guard, Nikki thought, in the protective mode she’d come to know too well. Her heart twisted at the sight. After his admission last night, she understood now why Kevin took his responsibilities so seriously, why he berated himself when something went wrong, and why he insisted on being in control.

  To his way of thinking, if he controlled the situation around him, bad things couldn’t happen. He really believed his mere presence could prevent fate from intervening. As if anything could, she thought sadly.

  But at least she now understood why he felt responsible for Tony’s death, why he believed if he’d been there, he could have prevented it. Why he insisted on taking care of her and the baby.

  And why she had to allow it. She had to accept him as he was or walk away. A man like Kevin couldn’t change.

  She touched a hand to his shoulder and he jolted upright. “Sorry,” she whispered.

  He rubbed his palms over his eyes, reminding her of an exhausted but weary li
ttle boy. Yet when he removed his hands and rose to his feet, he was every inch a man. Between the razor stubble, which was more than a day old, and the deep onyx of his eyes, he was the rebel cop she…

  Nikki cleared her throat, choking back the word love, unable to cope with the reality of such a strong emotion when she’d just acknowledged that Kevin wouldn’t, couldn’t change. Not for his child and certainly not for her.

  “Is he okay?” She rubbed her hands over her arms. Anything to keep busy and not think about the driving need to comfort him.

  He shrugged. “Max had a restless night but what can you expect when you’ve ingested that amount of alcohol,” he said in disgust.

  She nodded. “I brought you a change of clothes.”

  She lay a plastic bag at the foot of the bed. “And some black coffee. I figured you’d need some.”

  “Know what I really need?” he asked.

  She shook her head.

  “You,” he said and she walked into his open arms.

  Nikki allowed his warmth to envelop her and hoped she gave some of the same strength back to him. They’d need it in the days and months ahead. Because she now knew nothing would play out the way she’d hoped. Mannings are no good for taking care of anyone except themselves. What a misguided legacy Max had passed on to his son.

  But this episode with Max had driven home the fact that Kevin would always consider her a responsibility. One he had no choice but to face, but one he feared failing.

  Maybe he’d need her for a moment, or a night, but in the end, he’d keep his distance for fear of letting her down, for fear of destroying what he touched. He’d never let himself admit to caring. To loving. To wanting the family she so desperately needed.

  Nikki blinked back the tears forming in her eyes. She’d marry Kevin as planned. She’d give her child a name and all the benefits he deserved starting out in life.

  But happily ever after wasn’t in her future, and she’d put out feelers in case of this eventuality. Now it was time to act accordingly.