Worthy of Love

by Carly Phillips

  “You’re one of the good guys, Kevin. It’s time you realized that.”

  * * *

  She was alone. Janine’s car pulled out of the driveway. Nikki hugged her arms to her chest and blinked back tears. Then with a resolve she’d dredged up too many times this past year, she shook off the melancholy that threatened. She wasn’t alone; she had herself and her baby. Two very good reasons to push forward and go on. Janine, herself, was an inspiration there.

  As Nikki sat on the front stoop, counting her blessings, she decided it was time to do more than think in the abstract—it was time to plan for this baby. Pushing herself to her feet, she headed inside. The sound of the television blared from the living room. She avoided Kevin and circled behind him to enter the kitchen.

  Phone book on the table, pad and pen in hand, she made a list of all the things she’d need when the baby was born and rough estimates of what it would cost.

  “What are you doing?”

  At the sound of Kevin’s voice, she jumped in her seat. She resisted the urge to hide her lists. “Baby planning.”

  “Mind if I take a look?”

  She shook her head. He pulled up a chair beside her and straddled the back. She watched as his gaze flickered over the list. With his dark head bent forward, she could look all she wanted without being caught staring. The longing in her heart was frightening in its intensity.

  He raised his gaze. “Not that I’ve been baby shopping lately, but some of these prices look a little low to me.”

  “They’re rough estimates,” she murmured. Of used furniture. Not that she had any intention of sharing the details with him.

  “What do you say we go check out the real thing?”

  She blinked, startled by his suggestion and frightened by the hope one tiny suggestion generated. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

  He shrugged. “I do.” He turned the yellow pages around to face him.

  Minutes later, he’d added a list of stores and addresses to her list of items. None of the names on his list matched the ones she’d mentally compiled in her head. Top-of-the-line stores, they’d contain all the things she’d love for her child to have.

  But she wouldn’t have a prayer of paying Kevin back for years to come. “You know, I’m exhausted.”

  His dark gaze met hers. As usual, she was drawn into the compelling depths. “It’s no wonder you’re beat. Saying good-bye to Janine wasn’t easy.”

  “For you either.”

  He covered her hand with his larger, stronger one. “You’re not alone, Nikki.”

  She wanted to believe him. And that was the scariest thought of all. “I think I’ll lay down,” she said, desperate to escape from his magnetic pull and her own unrequited desires.

  “Good idea. Rest up today and after work tomorrow, we’ll start with the first store on the list.”

  His tone of voice didn’t leave room for argument, but that wasn’t the main reason she didn’t fight his intentions. As a general rule, she had a difficult time reading his cloudy gaze, but his eyes were clear, his expression lighter than usual. He was looking forward to shopping for their baby.

  Nikki couldn’t deny him the pleasure. Worse, she didn’t want to. You’re a fool, Nicole.

  Because she loved him.

  FIFTEEN

  Weeding wasn’t a pretty chore, but it was a productive task and the improvement was always evident. Nikki needed to see improvement in something, even if it wasn’t in any particular area of her life. If she kept at it long enough, maybe it would be too late for her to shower and change and still have time to hit the baby stores with Kevin later tonight.

  She didn’t know if she could handle it. A mother and father shopping for their unborn baby was supposed to be a joyful occasion, one that was fun and full of hope and promise. But all she would feel this evening was the pain of what would never be.

  “Hey you, keep that up and you’ll be pulling the azaleas along with the weeds.”

  At the sound of Kevin’s voice, she glanced up but was blinded by the late afternoon sun. “I was just gardening.”

  He knelt down beside her. “Looks like you were hacking up the flowers to me.”

  She shrugged. “It keeps me busy.”

  He settled himself beside her, looking comfortable in the soft green grass. “And that’s important to you? Keeping busy?”

  She nodded. “It stops me from dwelling on things I can’t change.” And sometimes it gave her time to dwell on those same things and attempt to come to terms with herself and her life.

  “Do you miss school?”

  “I don’t miss being in school. I wish I had finished before… Well, let’s just say I wish I was more self-sufficient.”

  He leaned forward. “I’m sorry relying on me’s so hard.”

  She sighed. “It isn’t you. It’s the taking I hate. It’s not like this is a real marriage and we planned for this baby and decided I’d be a stay-at-home mom.”

  “What if it were a real marriage? What if everything was exactly the way you wanted it to be? Would you get your degree and go back to work or would you stay at home with your kids?”

  She narrowed her gaze. This was the most serious conversation they’d had since… well, ever. And he’d initiated it. She was curious to see where it led.

  She leaned back in the grass, resting on her palms. “I’m not sure if I should answer. You’ll think I’m awfully old-fashioned.”

  “I already know you’re hopelessly old-fashioned.” He laughed, a rich, vibrant sound she’d never heard before.

  Hope, something she’d have sworn she no longer believed in, came springing back to life. Nikki quickly tamped it down. Just because Kevin was making small talk didn’t mean she should start weaving fantasies of forever-afters.

  “Well?” he prodded.

  “I’d get my degree—to have it—for me. It’s only one semester, after all. But then I’d stay home. I want my kids to have security and a mom that’s around. And I know I’d be just as fulfilled being home with my kids as I would teaching someone else’s. More so, really.”

  He grinned. “That’s what I thought. And that was the easy question,” he said, sobering. “I have a tougher one.”

  She shrugged. “Go for it.” She might as well humor him because he seemed comfortable and relaxed and she didn’t think he’d be leaving any time soon. Plus the longer he talked, the less time they’d have for shopping later.

  “What do you want?”

  Her fingers curled into the grass. “What?”

  “What do you want? From life, from marriage… from me.”

  He’d gone too far. She couldn’t humor him. Not anymore. Not at her own expense. Shopping for the baby was preferable to this. “Obviously you’re in a good mood, Kevin, but excuse me if I don’t want to play along.” She started to rise, but her growing stomach made a quick exit impossible and her sudden move resulted in a pulling pain in her right side. With a groan, she pulled her knees up to ease the sudden cramp.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  She nodded. “I’m used to it. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and stretch and I end up feeling like I pulled a muscle I didn’t even know I had.”

  “I didn’t know that,” he said, sounding very upset that he had been left out.

  She didn’t understand him today. “There’s no reason you should.”

  “There’s every reason. Nikki, I…”

  She leaned forward until she was too close to his handsome face. Too close to his arousing scent and the warmth of his skin. “You… what?”

  “Love you. I love you.”

  Her breath left in a whoosh and the pain she’d experienced suddenly returned, but this time too close to her heart. “Don’t say what you don’t mean.” She couldn’t handle it. Tears welled in her eyes and she swiped at them with the back of her hand. “Hormones,” she muttered.

  He reached forward and rubbed at the tip of her nose. “Dirt,” he said.
r />   She laughed, though she wasn’t feeling anything that resembled humor.

  * * *

  Kevin held his breath. Laughter and joking around was good, but not when he’d put his heart on the line. He’d told her he loved her and she was staring at him in shock.

  “You don’t believe me.” He wasn’t certain what she was feeling, but he knew for a fact she wasn’t taking him seriously.

  How could he blame her when he’d never given her any indication of his feelings? Never even tried.

  Tears streamed openly down her dirt-streaked face, yet she’d never looked more beautiful to him. He felt as if he were seeing her for the first time. Through his new perspective, perhaps he was.

  He felt his future slipping away. He reached out and placed his hand over her rounded stomach. “Have you felt the baby kick yet?” he asked.

  She shook her head then obviously changed her mind and nodded. “Sort of. Little butterfly flutters.”

  “Can I feel?”

  “It’s too soon to feel it from the outside. Why are you doing this?”

  “Because it’s past time. And I don’t want to lose you. Have I?” He needed the answer as much as he feared it. Probably more.

  “You do know how to drop a bombshell,” she muttered. “You love me?”

  “Enough to take a look at myself through your eyes. Enough to walk into one of those Al-Anon meetings. Twice. Enough to lay down the law with Max. I told him he has family waiting but only if he sobers up. Otherwise he’s completely on his own.” His gut clenched with guilt again. “I can get through it, but it would be so much easier if I wasn’t alone. Did I jump the gun telling Max he had us waiting?”

  “Is this another ‘I’ll give it my best shot at being a family’?” she asked, her voice shaking.

  He spread his hands out in front of him. “Think about everything I just said. Does it sound like an I’ll try or like I’ve already done it?” he asked. “I didn’t even think of coming to you before I’d taken all the first steps on my own.” And he’d risked waiting too long and losing her in the process.

  He heaved a groan. “There’s nothing else I can say. The rest is up to you.”

  He wondered if his heart had ever beat so fast or so loud. As he sat waiting, he got an inkling as to what he’d put Nikki through these past months. If, as Janine believed, she loved him.

  “The first time I met you, I thought I fell in love. At first sight, if you can believe that.” She glanced down as she spoke. “Later, I chalked it up to a crush. I had to, since you never spared me a second glance. Until that night.”

  “When everything changed.”

  She nodded. “I didn’t come to your apartment for that, but I didn’t wake up with regrets, either. If anything, I woke up with a sense of hope despite the fact that I’d just lost my brother. I thought, no, I really believed I had a chance. That we had a chance.”

  “And then I took off.”

  “And reality set in. It’s taken months, but you finally convinced me—you couldn’t come around, couldn’t be part of a family. And now…” She pounded the grass in frustration. “I can’t read you, I don’t understand you, and I’m afraid if I let myself believe, I’m setting myself up for more pain.”

  And that pain was more than evident, in her eyes and in her drawn expression. In the recent past, as recent as yesterday, he’d have agreed with her and walked away. But no more.

  He reached for her, grasping her shoulders and turning her to face him. “I can’t do any more than promise, and remind you that the things I’ve said to you today, I’ve never been able to say to you bef—” He didn’t get to finish.

  Nikki threw herself into his arms, pushing him backward onto the grass.

  “So this means… what exactly?” he asked once he’d caught his breath.

  “I love you, too. I always have. Those dreams never died; they just got a little tarnished, you know?”

  He brushed long strands of hair out of her face. “I thought I drove you away for good.”

  “I never went far. Not really. And as for Max, I’m the one who told you we were a family.”

  At the mention of his father’s name, he exhaled a long groan. “I nearly went back to his apartment about ten times today.”

  “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it was, but you did the right thing. And I’ll be there for you every step of the way.”

  “I always knew that, in here.” He pointed to his heart. “But in my head, I knew I’d tested you too many times to deserve forgiveness.”

  She rested her body on top of his. For the first time in awhile, he felt her heat and her curves flush against him. The swell of her fuller breasts and the curve of her stomach pressed into him. He wrapped his arms around her waist. “You feel good,” he whispered in her ear.

  She let out a contented moan. “You feel even better.”

  “I can promise you I love you and that I’m here to stay, but I can’t promise I won’t need some guidance on this emotional give-and-take business.”

  She brushed a kiss over his lips. “Oh, I think I can guide you. You just need to have an open mind.”

  “My mind is open… to lots of things.”

  She grinned. “Why don’t you tell me what you have in mind.”

  He rolled to his side, taking her with him. “I could spend the rest of the night telling you what I have in mind.”

  “What about furniture shopping.”

  He held her in his arms, grateful for a second chance. “I think that can wait. After all, neither of us is going anywhere.”

  She smiled. “Not for a long, long time.”

  EPILOGUE

  The now-familiar sound of the baby’s heartbeat sounded in the small examining room. Nikki felt the rush of warmth fill her body; and, when Kevin squeezed her hand, she also felt it in her heart.

  Dr. Molloy moved her instrument over the gel coating her stomach. “Have you two decided on whether you’re ready to know the sex?” she asked.

  Nikki’s stomach leapt in anticipation. They’d discussed the possibility last night into the late hours of the morning. Talking and bonding with Kevin had been almost more moving than making love.

  Almost. Because nothing could compete with the sensation of joining their bodies together and knowing that bond transcended the physical. And always would.

  “We want to know,” Nikki said.

  Kevin cleared his throat “Are you sure? Because there’s no going back. Once we know, there’s no surprise.”

  “I’m sure. For a number of reasons.” Once they knew the sex, they’d know the name and then the bonding process could begin even stronger pre-birth. “Are you sure?” she asked him.

  “Absolutely.” His grip on her hand became stronger.

  “Okay then, let’s see if this little guy—or girl—is willing to cooperate.” The doctor moved the instrument around her stomach. “Sometimes they get shy. They lie on their side, or they cross their legs.”

  Nikki laughed. “That would figure.”

  “A-ha. Here we go.” Her hand movements stilled and both Nikki and Kevin stared at the monitor. “Now remember, this isn’t foolproof.”

  “How’s your record running, Doc?” Kevin asked.

  “Well I don’t want to brag, but I haven’t been wrong yet.”

  He chuckled. “I’ll take those odds. How about you, Princess?”

  These days, that name made Nikki feel safe and cherished. “I’m dying here. Would you two stop stalling?”

  “Want to take a guess first?” the doctor asked.

  “Girl,” Kevin said. “With violet eyes and dark hair.”

  “Boy,” Nikki disagreed, recalling how certain she’d been for so long. Then sudden doubt assailed her. “Make that a girl.”

  At Kevin’s raised eyebrows and quizzical look, Nikki shrugged. “It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. Especially a pregnant woman.”

  “Okay, Doc. Let’s hear it.”

  “It s
eems that Kevin’s right.” The doctor moved the instrument in small circles. “And so are you,” she said to Nikki.

  “So it’s a girl,” Nikki said, envisioning pink and lace and eyelet and Kevin’s dark hair, and his deep, dark eyes.

  “Yes. It’s also a boy.”

  “Impossible unless we’re talking mutant,” Kevin said, obviously misunderstanding.

  Nikki didn’t blame him. She wasn’t sure she wanted to accept the truth either. “You’re joking, right? You do this to every set of nervous parents. We can’t possibly be having twins.”

  “Twins?” Kevin sounded as if he were gasping for air.

  “I might not be able to predict the sex, but I can definitely predict the number,” Dr. Molloy assured her.

  “Oh God.” Nikki said, surprised.

  “Two babies?” he asked.

  “Three, counting you,” Nikki said, laughter in her voice.

  “I think I’ll give you two a few minutes alone to digest this information.” The doctor cleaned up and walked out of the room.

  After Kevin helped her to a sitting position, Nikki got a good look at his face for the first time. He was pale, and she couldn’t read his expression beyond the fact that he was obviously stunned.

  “Think you can handle it?” she asked, suddenly worried that after all their efforts at making things work between them, he’d be overwhelmed enough to back off again, due to the thought of two unexpected bundles instead of the one they’d known about.

  He shook his head. She hoped he was clearing his thoughts, not answering no. “Kevin?”

  “I’m… fine. I think,” But he grinned then, and Nikki relaxed. As much as she could with the newfound knowledge hanging over her head.

  He grabbed her hand. “It’s overwhelming,” he admitted. “But exciting, too. We’ll handle it together.”

  Together. She liked the sound of that word. “Do you want to call Max and tell him?” Nikki asked.

  Kevin’s father had been admitted to the hospital again a few weeks back and had willingly gone into a rehabilitation center after that. Although Kevin was footing the bills, it would be worth it if he got his father back in his life again.