“So, are you saying it’s over?”
“You’re damn right it is. I refuse to be with a woman who constantly lies to me.”
“Then tell her. Don’t leave her hanging on like she is. She reminds me so much of myself when I was married to your grandfather. He would never tell me how he really felt until it was too late.”
“We’ll talk, just not right now. I’m still trying to figure out what to do with Mackenzie.”
“I’ve thought about her too. All I’m going to say to you is sometimes we have to give up things that are precious to us. For instance, I had to let go of your mother, your aunt Betty, and your uncle, for my own peace of mind. If I hadn’t, your grandfather would have made my life more miserable than it already was. I wish I could have gotten you from that orphanage, but after what he put me through, at the time, I felt it was best for me to leave everything behind me.”
I looked at Nanny B with seriousness in my eyes. “I understand, but I don’t want to give up Mackenzie. To me, your children are not something you have to decide if you want or don’t want. They are yours no matter what.”
“I agree. But under these circumstances, Mackenzie comes with a package. So, you need to decide if you’re going to keep this package or let it go. This time, if you let it go, you need to let it go for good.”
Nanny B and I chatted for at least another hour. When I told her about my speculations with Stephon, she told me Stephon was a grown man, and if that’s what path he chose, then there was nothing I could do. I silently disagreed because he meant everything to me. Even though we had our ups and downs, Stephon was like the brother I’d never had. Again, I wasn’t going to support what he did, but I was forever going to be there for him. I just hoped that my decision to stick by him wasn’t going to come back to haunt me.
13
NOKEA
Early Saturday morning, Jaylin was outside ringing the doorbell. I was upset that he felt it was okay for him to show up whenever he wanted to. When I opened the door, the look on my face said it all. He walked right in without being invited.
“Where my son at?”
“In his room. But can you please pick up the phone and call before coming over here?”
“I tried, but the number was busy.”
“Quit lying,” I said, closing the door.
We headed back to LJ’s room. He was already woke, so Jaylin picked him up and sat down in a rocking chair with him. “Man, why you getting so big?” he asked. I stood in the doorway and smiled.
“He is, isn’t he?”
“I haven’t seen him in a little over a week, and it seems as if he’s grown that fast.”
“I’m not going to say all that, but he is getting big.” Still tired, I yawned. “Would you like some coffee or something to eat?”
“Naw, I’m fine. I just wanted to spend some time with my son since you’ve been trying to avoid me and everything.”
“I have not.”
“Yes you have.”
“Okay, so maybe I have. But I just don’t want you and I to—”
“We won’t. We both crossed the line, so forget it, okay?”
“Bet. And while you’re enjoying precious moments with your son, I’m taking my butt back to bed.”
“Close the door behind you because we might make too much noise.”
I closed the door and went back into my room. I lay there for a while, but after listening to LJ and Jaylin play around, I couldn’t get back to sleep. An hour later, he came into my room with LJ on his shoulders, and I pretended to be sleeping. Jaylin put LJ on the bed and he crawled his way to me, grabbing my neck. I kissed him several times and placed him on my lap. Jaylin sat on the sofa in my room and propped his feet on the table. When the phone rang, I reached over to answer.
“Good morning,” I said, as I already knew it was Collins.
“Good morning, sweetness. So, what time am I picking up the love of my life?”
“You’re not picking her up, because she’s coming to your place in about an hour or so.”
“Now, what would make you think I can wait another hour to see you? I had my clothes on and was on my way over there.”
“Well, first of all, Jaylin stopped by not too long ago to see LJ. I haven’t had time to put on any clothes, let alone get any sleep.”
“So, you’re undressed and Jaylin is there?”
“No,” I said and laughed. “I still have on my pajamas, honey, and Jaylin is about to leave.”
“Is LJ going with him? I thought he was going to hang out with us today.”
“He’ll probably go home with Jaylin since he hasn’t seen him all week. So, I’ll get dressed and hurry right over, okay?”
“See ya soon.”
“Love you.”
“Me too.”
I could see Jaylin had taken in every word I said to Collins. “I’m getting ready to go,” I said. “Is it okay if LJ goes home with you?”
“Of course it’s okay. I planned on taking him and Mackenzie to see Disney on Ice today anyway.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“I was going to tell you, but I’ve had so much on my mind that I forgot.”
This sadness in his eyes was driving me crazy. Definitely something else was wrong. “Are you okay? I know the situation with Stanley is bothersome, and I haven’t a clue what’s going on with you and Scorpio. Whatever it is, can’t the two of you work it out?”
“Not this time.”
“What’s so different about this time?”
“How about the baby she was carrying wasn’t mine?”
I quickly sat up straight. “Jaylin, no. What happened?”
“She met some fool while she was in Denver. Shit, I don’t know. I . . . I thought the baby was mine until she told me the reason why she had an abortion.”
“I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine how you feel, especially after losing your son.”
He let out a deep sigh. “Yeah, it’s been crazy. I have all this love to give my children, and there has been nothing but chaos with every damn one of them.”
“Please don’t harp on the past. You have LJ, and he’s not going anywhere. He’s yours forever.”
He stared at me without a blink. “You too?”
I hesitated for a moment, surprised by his bluntness. I didn’t want to get Jaylin’s hopes up about us, so I answered his question as best as I could. “I’ll always be here for you, if you need to talk.”
Jaylin and I continued our conversation, and before I knew it, at least two hours had gone by. I quickly showered, put on some clothes, and walked him and LJ out. I gave my good-byes and headed to Collins’ place.
I didn’t think he would be that upset with me for being late, but he was. He stood tall, casually dressed in khakis, a striped button-down shirt and shiny loafers. He pointed his finger at me while I sat on the edge of his bed, listening to him gripe.
“Nokea, I’m not going to sit around and wait while you play house with your ex-boyfriend!” he yelled.
“I wasn’t playing house, Collins. I was talking to him about something important.”
“Something important like what?”
“Like he’s really going through something right now. I at least offered him my support.”
“Hey, look, we all go through things. There’s not a person on this earth that hasn’t been through something. I don’t like him leaning on you and coming to you for comfort every time shit don’t go his way. If he needs that much help, then that’s what a fucking psychiatrist is for. I’m sure his money can buy him plenty of them.”
I was taken aback by Collins’ tone and quickly stood up. “How dare you come to me like that, Collins? I’m not going to turn my back on the father of my child if he needs me. Now, I don’t know where all this is coming from, but no man is going to pick my friends for me. Ex-boyfriend or not, I’m not going to turn my back on anyone if they need me. Sorry, I’m not that kind of person.” I walked off, heading f
or the door.
“Nokea!” Collins yelled.
“What?” I yelled back.
He took a deep breath to calm himself. “Don’t go. Please understand where I’m coming from.”
“I’m trying, Collins, but I’m not used to you yelling and cursing at me. Trust me, I understand how you feel, but do you remember the reason you said that you love me so much?”
“Yes, I do. I know you’re a caring person, Nokea, but when it comes to Jaylin, baby, I don’t trust him.”
“And I’m not asking you to; however, I’m asking you to trust me. I love you, and Jaylin isn’t going to interfere with our relationship.”
Collins and I quickly settled our differences and embraced. He knew how much I loved him, and the last thing we wanted was for Jaylin to cause trouble in our relationship. For Collins to be jealous of Jaylin would’ve been a big mistake. I knew he felt the competition was steep, and when it came to Jaylin, it was hard for Collins to completely trust me alone with him. Collins, however, was a man who felt so confident and sure of himself. I was sure he would do whatever not to let Jaylin get underneath his skin. It was up to me to put Collins at ease, and that was my number one priority.
I rubbed his waves back with my hands and sucked his thick brown lips into mine. As we made love, I couldn’t help but think about how I’d had the nerve to ask him to trust me. Just a few weeks ago, I’d known that he couldn’t. Feeling guiltier about my feelings for Jaylin during intercourse with Collins, I got emotional.
Collins stopped and looked me in the eyes. “What’s wrong, baby?”
“I love you so much, I swear I do. Don’t you ever forget how much I love you,” I confessed.
“Same here. I feel exactly the same way. I’m sorry for coming to you like I did, and I won’t ever talk to you like that again.”
Collins and I finished making love, and spent the rest of our day enjoying each other’s company. We had lunch at the Macaroni Grill, played a few games of miniature golf, went to the movies, and before the day was over, we went shopping.
I stayed the night at his house and didn’t return home until late Sunday night. When I got home, I checked my messages. Jaylin had called, asking if LJ could stay the week with him. He told me if there was a problem to call, but trying to allow them as much time together as possible, I didn’t see any need to.
I listened to my other messages and was surprised to get a call from Stanley. He left a number so I could reach him, and begged me to call him back. Having very little to say to him, I decided not to call. However, I was curious to know his purpose, and returned the call later that day.
“Nokea, Nokea, Nokea. How you been, girl?”
“I’ve been fine, Stanley. How about you?”
“I’ve been okay. Can’t complain after how good God has been to me.”
“He is good, but I . . . I’m not quite sure why you called me.”
“The reason for my call was to ask you if I could see my grandson. I, uh, know how Jaylin feels, but I was hoping you would let me come see him.”
I released a deep sigh, not knowing how to respond to Stanley’s request. The last thing I wanted was to come between him and Jaylin. “Stanley, you’ll have to talk to Jaylin about that. I don’t feel comfort—”
“I have rights to my grandson,” he snapped. “I know I wasn’t there for my son, but I’d like to have a fresh start with my grandson. I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, and—”
A part of me didn’t believe him, but what if he were telling the truth? “I’m sorry to hear about your cancer, but it’s not in my best interest to get involved. Personally, I really don’t have a problem with you seeing LJ, and I would love for the two of you to get to know each other. Knowing that Jaylin would have a problem with it, though, there’s no way I can agree to it.”
“Would you at least do me a favor and tell Jaylin how much I’d like to be a part of his and LJ’s lives? I know I made some mistakes, but I need my family right now.”
I shook my head and thought about all of the hurt Jaylin had been through without having his father around. How dare Stanley expect for everyone to jump when he wanted them to? “What about when your family needed you? I don’t mean to sound harsh, Stanley, but do you have a clue as to what your son went through without you?”
“I know, Nokea. And I tried to be there, but I couldn’t.”
“I’d be curious to know what stopped you, but it really doesn’t matter. You need to have this conversation with your son, not me. There’s nothing I can say to sway him, and you’re asking the wrong person to talk to him. If he ever agrees to you seeing LJ, I’ll support it, but again, that’ll be up to him.”
I hung up with no regrets about what I said to Stanley. The more we spoke, the angrier I got, as I thought about how he left Jaylin. To me, Stanley wasn’t worth my time.
I tried to give Jaylin a heads-up about Stanley. I called his home phone to speak with him. Scorpio answered, and when I asked if Jaylin was there, she said no.
“Is he still out with the kids?” I asked.
“No, they got back about an hour ago. Shortly after, he left.”
“Did he say where he was going?” I asked, irriated because Jaylin was supposed to be spending time with his son, not in the streets.
“Does he ever?”
“I’ll try him on his cell phone.”
“You do that.”
What an attitude, I thought and hung up to call Jaylin. I didn’t take it personally because I knew what was going on between them.
I waited for Jaylin to answer his phone. When a female answered, I was quite startled and almost had a loss for words.
“Hello,” she said again.
“Is this Jaylin Rogers’ phone?”
“Yes, it is. May I ask who’s calling?”
“Is he there?”
“He’s in the shower, but I can get him for you if you’d like.”
“No, thank you. I’ll call back.”
For whatever reason, I was kind of pissed. Now, he came over here pretending to be so hurt and looking pitiful. Then he had the nerve to be shacked up with somebody else? If that was the case, LJ could have stayed here with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he made me feel sorry for him, until my phone interrupted my thoughts. It was him calling me back.
“Yes,” I said dryly.
“Did you call?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s up?”
“Where are you?”
“I’m over a friend of mine’s house.”
“I thought you were going to spend some time with your son.”
“I did, and I’m going to for the rest of the week.”
“Fine, do whatever.”
“What’s with the attitude?”
“Honestly, you amaze the heck out of me. I don’t see how you can keep sleeping around with different women and have no desires to work out matters with the woman in your home.”
“Look, I told you I’m at a friend’s house. I’ll deal with Scorpio when I get ready to, and quite frankly, it’s none of your damn business. If you think I’m going to sit at home and cry about what happened, then you got me fucked up. I’m not that kind of man, nor will I ever be. Now, state your business for your call, or say good-bye.”
I hung up on his butt. I’m sure his new woman was listening, and I wasn’t about to let him go off on me. The thought of going to get my baby crossed my mind, but I knew Nanny B had him well taken care of. I could tell Jaylin was playing with fire, and it was just a matter of time before he got burned.
14
SCORPIO
I was going crazy in this house, waiting for Jaylin to come home. The walls felt as if they were closing in on me, and it didn’t seem as if he would come around any time soon. By now, I thought all of this would be behind us, but he had made no attempts to reconcile with me.
I was so frustrated that I hadn’t been to school in days. I didn’t have the energy to go, and even if I did, it
would have done me no good. All I could think about was how Jaylin and I kept on hurting each other. I wasn’t doing it intentionally, but there were times when things were beyond my control. If he’d never treated me like shit, then I never would have moved to Denver and met Rick. While I was in Denver, Jaylin didn’t waste any time meeting people, so why did he expect me to put my life on hold? I knew it was wrong of me not to tell him about the baby, but at the time, I thought it was best. I thought we were having this child together and would soon live happily ever after. But how wrong could I have been? I was going through pure hell, and didn’t know what to do to stop my pain.
Jaylin had been gone since he’d gotten back with the kids earlier. As usual, he didn’t say where he was going, and at this point, I didn’t even ask. I knew he’d had sex with someone else because he damn sure wasn’t having it with me. And every time he’d come in late, he’d take a shower, grab a pillow, and head into another room. I offered to give up his bed, but he ignored me and slept wherever he wanted to.
A big part of me wanted to leave, but honestly, I was tired of running. Besides, I didn’t have anywhere to go, and there was no way I was going to put Mackenzie through this bullshit again. If I even mentioned leaving this house, I knew she wouldn’t go. The last thing I wanted to do was force her to leave with me. At the rate things were going, though, maybe I would have to.
When I heard Jaylin coming up the steps, I rolled over and looked at the alarm clock. It showed almost four o’clock in the morning. Doing the norm, he headed for the bathroom and closed the door. He showered, and as soon as he stepped out of the bathroom, the phone rang. He ignored it, but when I reached over to answer, he wrapped a towel around his waist and walked into the closet.
“Hello,” I said in a sleepy voice.
“May I speak to Jaylin?” she asked.
“No, you may not,” I snapped. “Who is this?”
“Scorpio, it’s Mercedes. Has Jaylin made it home yet?”
My faced scrunched up at the sound of her name. “Yes, he has, but bitch, why are you calling here?”
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