“Oh hi, Mally, have you brought Rubes for me?” he enquired, all smiles. A complete contrast to the mood he had been in when they last met. So mercurial. Mallory couldn’t help but think it all a little contrived.
“Erm, yes but if it’s not convenient anymore, Ron said—”
“No, no don’t be daft! We’re happy to have her aren’t we Trina?” Trina nodded enthusiastically; hanging on Greg’s every word. Mallory felt physically sick. “We’ll take good care of her, don’t you worry. She’ll have great fun with Angus, won’t you girl?” Ruby wagged her tail excitedly at his voice.
Mallory let go of Ruby’s lead and the little dog ran to Greg. Tears stung the back of Mallory’s eyes and she turned to leave as quickly as she could.
Greg followed, thankfully without Trina in tow. “Hey, Mally, are you okay?” he called after her. “She will be fine you know,” he said reassuringly as she stopped at her car without turning around.
“I know that. I’m just going to miss her.” She wasn’t entirely sure that missing Ruby was the reason for her tears.
“Look, I wanted to apologise.” Greg walked over to her, his feet bare. He tilted her chin so that she would look at him. “I was an arse, yet again, last week. I don’t know what was wrong. But, I had a few days away and met Trina, she’s nice, eh?” he enthused.
“Oh yes she seems delightful,” she answered rather sardonically.
“Aye, I had a lot of thinking to do, but it’s done and I’m over it now.” He opened his arms as if to show her the evidence. She looked at the tattoo on his chest; another homage to Mairi no doubt she thought; it was a series of foreign looking words. She figured it out to be a Gaelic phrase. She had no idea what it said.
“Good for you.” She smiled trying to be genuine.
“Aye, well there’s no point wanting what you can’t have, eh?” He smiled, glancing back to the house.
“No, no point at all,” she agreed, but wasn’t sure exactly what he meant by that comment. “I’ll be off then, I’m staying at a hotel near the airport with The Buchanan’s tonight and then we fly early morning.”
“Well have a brilliant time, eh? And don’t worry about this place. We’ll all still be here when you get back.”
“Great…see you in three weeks then.” She forced another smile and went to climb into her car.
“Don’t you have a hug for your bestie, eh?” He chuckled holding his arms open. Mallory was confused by his mercurial manner, yet again. Reluctantly she stepped into his arms and accepted his embrace. He was surprisingly warm despite his lack of clothing. He did the thing that men do when they hug; he patted her back roughly. Okay, so she was clearly ‘One of the guys.’ She pulled away and got into her car.
She glanced up at Greg who now looked confused; his frown creating a crease right between his eyebrows. She waved and drove away. Greg simply stood and watched her leave; one hand raised and the frown ever present.
July 2011
It was good to be back in Canada; back in Sam’s old room. She felt close to him there.
Renee had put framed photos of the two of them together around the place. There was a vase on the top of Sam’s dresser that Renee had been filling with fresh flowers every couple of days. Her first week had been a little emotionally draining. She had cried a lot in the bed where she and Sam had made love. At night she hugged the pillow that Sam slept on and felt sure she could smell him even though the linens were freshly laundered.
She had put Greg and his weird behaviour/midlife crisis out of her mind and had joined in the family outings and meals. It felt good to be surrounded by a real family again. It had been so long and she had missed it.
At the beginning of her second week Cara had taken Mallory shopping in Kingston. She had bought nearly a whole new wardrobe of clothes and was wondering if her baggage allowance would take it on her journey home. It was great to be looking around such different shops. Some of which were very quirky. She found some really interesting clothes and reluctantly admitted that shopping at her current size was more fun. She knew herself of old though and wasn’t putting pressure on herself to stay unrealistically slim. She was a curvy girl at heart and Sam’s acceptance and love for this made her feel free to be however she was and not worry anymore. If she gained weight again, so what. Sam had loved her exactly as she was, curves and all.
The day after shopping was a day of art galleries. Mallory was in seventh heaven. There was a Julian Forster original on display and she stood for what felt like forever just staring at it. She and Sam had been to an exhibition of his in Edinburgh once and they had both agreed on how talented he was. Funny that this piece should be in Canada now.
At the end of the visit she purchased a beautiful little print of a painting she had fallen for immediately. It was of a couple standing on a pier, looking out to sea whilst they held each other. It kind of reminded her of standing with Sam on the Atlantic bridge.
That night she went drinking and dancing with Cara, Ryan and a few of their friends. She met a wonderfully colourful character called Reece who she had just adored. He was gay and made her laugh so hard she thought she would suffocate. They danced together all night and swapped email addresses, determined to keep their new found friendship alive when she returned home.
They stayed at Revolutions nightclub for most of the night and she did far too many jell-o shots. Reece wouldn’t let her leave the dance floor much at all.
“Oh, honey, I just love the way you move!” Reece shouted over the music. “If I wasn’t as gay as the day is long I would ravish you right here on the dance floor!”
Mallory had been in pain, her stomach was cramping so much with laughing.
“Now shimmy and shimmy and rrrroll those hips, yeah baby!” His Austin Powers impression nearly made her pee in her pants. It felt so good to laugh with free abandon.
The morning after the nightclub Mallory awoke late and was too ill to get up. Her tongue felt like it could be used to carpet the stairs and her head was thumping to a beat of its own making. Renee brought her a tray of breakfast in along with some Advil for her head. She gave Mallory a knowing look and shook her head smiling.
Seeing Renee made Mallory’s eyes well, “I’m so sorry, Renee,” she sobbed, feeling ashamed of her behaviour. In actual fact she had been a very civilised drunk. She wasn’t sick, although in hindsight being sick would probably have taken the edge off the hangover.
Renee stroked her cheek, “Oh darling, we’ve all let our hair down once in a while. Even me.” She winked.
Mallory couldn’t imagine Renee doing jell-o shots and dancing on tables. She cringed when she remembered kissing some complete stranger in the nightclub.
~~~~~
“Hi, wanna dance?” The stranger asked right into her ear to make himself heard over the thump, thump of the bass. “I’m Carl.” He held out his hand to shake hers.
Reece had ducked out to go to the ‘ladies room’ as he had called it.
“Hi ya! I’m Mallory.” She shook his hand. At this point in the night she was tipsy but not completely gone.
“Where are you from, Mallory?” Carl had asked.
He seemed nice. He was quite handsome, but not her type at all. He was stocky and blonde, not fat, just stocky. He had a kind face, but there was no spark; she didn’t want to rip his shirt open to check for tattoos she decided. They had discussed the delights of Yorkshire. He had never been, but he had visited London as a teenager and had always loved the accents of the English.
She discovered that Carl was from a place a little distance away called Port Credit, near Toronto. He was staying with friends in Kingston for a short holiday before going back to start a late post grad course in dentistry. That explained his perfect white teeth.
She got drunker and drunker until the DJ played Someone Like You, by Adele. Mallory was initially taken aback by hearing this song in a Canadian club, but she soon pushed the random thought from her mind as Carl swayed her to the music.
All the way home in the cab she had sobbed on Ryan’s shirt apologising over and over for her behaviour and for betraying Sam’s memory. What she failed to realise is that they understood and wanted her to stop feeling guilty already.
~~~~~
Once she had forced down the bacon and maple syrup that Renee had brought her, drunk her coffee and freshened herself in the en-suite bathroom, she made her way downstairs to face the music. They were all sitting around the breakfast bar in the kitchen chatting and drinking coffee.
“Ah, here’s my English little sis.” Ryan announced as Mallory appeared in front of them all.
“Morning everyone. Listen I know what I did last night and I wanted to say—”
Ryan held his hands up as he interrupted her, “Mallory. Stop. You have nothing to apologise for. You said sorry around a hundred times last night and you got mascara all over my new shirt.” He laughed
Mallory’s lip quivered. “I…I feel so ashamed.” She put her hands to either side of her face. Tears of embarrassment stung at her eyes.
Ryan walked over and hugged her. “Hey, c’mon, don’t you cry again. This is a clean shirt. I’m warning you.” He smiled down at her. “You have been through so much, honey. We all get it. We know that you can’t be alone forever and we don’t want you to be. That guy last night seemed nice. He gave me his number and asked if I would pass it on. Do you want it?”
“Oh, no! I can’t believe I kissed him. It was not good. I didn’t really even think he was attractive. How terrible of me. You must all think I’m such a slut.”
Renee shook her head “We think nothing of the sort, dear. You couldn’t be more wrong.” Renee spoke softly trying to defuse Mallory’s anguish.
Ryan chuckled. “Mallory, will you stop? So you kissed a guy and you didn’t like it—hey didn’t someone write a song about that?” He chuckled at his lame Katy Perry reference. “Next time it may be someone you actually like and that’d be cool,” he reassured her.
After the family had spent an hour convincing Mallory that they still loved her, in spite of her kissing a stranger, they convinced her to grab a bag with her bathing suit, sun lotion and a towel. They were taking her to Alwington beach.
It was a beautiful old beach surrounded by large country estates owned by very wealthy people. Luckily, Renee had friends in high places and so they all went along to sunbathe and splash about in the water.
Mallory enjoyed laying there, sunglasses covering her eyes and the sun beating down on her skin. It had taken some encouraging—getting her to take off her sarong.
Cara tried convincing her that she looked amazing in the navy blue and white spotted one piece bathing suit that she had bought while they were out shopping together.
Ryan picked her up and flung her over his shoulder threatening to throw her into the water unless she relaxed and took off the ‘darn sarong’. She had screamed and laughed all at the same time and eventually conceded.
The Sarong was nearby, a bit like a security blanket. Suddenly, something or someone blocked out her light.
“Hey, Mallory.” She opened her eyes to see Carl standing over her. She sat bolt upright, shocked by his presence. “What a nice surprise to see you in daylight.” He smiled, genuinely pleased to see her.
“Oh…erm…hi, Carl.” She took off her sunglasses and nervously squinted up at him.
Obviously he noted her scrunched up facial expression. He sat on the lounger beside her. He was wearing long board shorts and flip flops. His hair was damp and swept back.
“I saw you from all the way over there where my friends are and thought it was you, so I came over to check and here you are.”
“Here I am.” Mallory laughed sheepishly remembering their kiss.
“I gave your brother…brother? That guy Ryan anyway, I gave him my number to pass onto you. You looked kinda upset after we…danced.” He rubbed his bottom lip with his thumb.
“Oh yes, thank you, Carl. But the thing is I’m only here for a short time. I don’t think it’s a good idea to get into anything…you know…”
He looked disappointed but nodded his acquiescence.
“Hey, we could be friends though right? I could take you for coffee maybe while you’re here?” He looked hopeful.
Mallory sighed and briefly looked down at the ground as if the courage she needed was there. “Carl, look, I should maybe come clean. I don’t know what came over me last night. I’m grieving for my Canadian fiancé who was killed on his way to our new life in Scotland in April. I’m here staying with his family. I really needed something physical last night. That’s not like me. I’m so sorry for dragging you into my misery. It was unfair.”
Carl exhaled puffing his cheeks out as he did. “Wow, okay. I’m so sorry to hear about your fiancé. That must have been tough. Look, I like you and I totally get that you maybe don’t want an emotional or romantic thing at the moment, but that’s okay. I would still like to take you for coffee. And maybe we could be…I don’t know, pen pals?” He laughed. He was such a nice guy. “I know at twenty-eight I may be a little old for a pen pal but it’d be kinda fun, don’t you think?”
Mallory smiled, but her insides churned with guilt and sadness, “I just don’t want to lead you on, Carl. I will never be interested you in any other way than as a friend.” She felt unsure about the prospect of staying in touch with him.
“Look, I get it. You have been honest with me and I respect that. Here, this is my card. My cell number is on there and my email. You could add me as a friend on Facebook too if you have it.” She took his card. She had never really understood the Facebook thing. Why would she be interested in what someone had for breakfast? Or why would she care about the people that brag about their perfect lives, when under the surface there were cracks? But maybe she should give it a go? She had made friends in Canada. It’d be nice to have an easy way to keep in touch. Snail mail wasn’t an option these days.
“Thanks, Carl, that’s really sweet of you.” She put the card into her beach bag.
He held out his hand to her. “Friends?”
“Friends.” She shook his hand.
“Gimme a call if you wanna go for that coffee,” he shouted as he walked back to his friends. She waved her acknowledgement.
Ryan came over to check on her. “You okay? That was the guy from the club, huh?”
“Yeah, but he was nice. I apologised and explained. He says he’s happy to be friends.”
Ryan rolled his eyes. “Poor guy. Believe me, any guy who looks at a girl the way he looked at you is living in desperate hope of a change of heart. He says he’s happy to be friends but in ‘Man’ that translates as ‘I will adore you from afar, I will never give up.’”
He smiled and gestured behind him. “C’mon, the water is…ahhh…okay I won’t lie, it’s freezing, but not too bad once you get in.” He ran off to grab Cara and pull her into the water with him. She squealed with delight as he picked her up and spun her around before depositing her into the icy waters of Lake Ontario.
Mallory put her shades back on and lay back on her lounger. Greg sprang to her mind. He had given her the ‘happy to be friends’ speech and then had gone off and picked up some random girl who now seemed to have taken up half-naked residence in his house.
She mentally slapped herself as the thoughts whizzed through her mind. What right have you got to judge him? He’s single. He’s attractive. He’s a man and men, like women, have needs. So he’s screwing an Addam’s family reject, what is it to you? You don’t want him. You just don’t want anyone else to have him.
She recoiled at the barrage from her s
ubconscious. Was that the problem? She wanted him to want her. She liked feeling wanted; but didn’t like it when his attentions were clearly aimed at someone else.
Mallory’s heart pounded as she thought through and analysed her reaction to seeing Trina at Greg’s house. Immediately another snide comment sprang forth. He’s only known her two minutes. What kind of man moves a woman into his house after that long? A desperate, pathetic, sad and lonely man, that’s what. She shook her head as if doing so would eradicate the mental altercation between the two parts of her psyche. And anyway, you don’t know that she’s moved in for goodness sake. She stood up, threw her glasses down and ran straight for the cold water. That was one way to derail her current destructive train of thought.
~~~~~
The days seemed to fly by and before she knew it she was down to her last three days with the Buchanan family. It had been such a wonderful experience. And in some ways she felt that being there without Sam gave her a sense of closure. She knew now that what she had with Sam was extra special, but that she didn’t want to give up on love entirely. She saw the way that Cara and Ryan looked at each other and the way they looked at their baby son. She had listened to stories of Sam’s dad from Renee. The fondness with which she spoke about Bill Buchanan made Mallory want to love again.
Sam had always been obsessed with her happiness and had even made her cry once by insisting that if ever anything happened she should move on and re-marry. Re-marry. If only she had married in the first place.
Thursday brought rain and lots of it. The family spent a fun day indoors playing on the games consoles and sitting at the table playing cards. Mallory had wowed them with her poker skills and had taken almost all of their matchsticks. Ryan insisted that the next time she came over there would be a rematch—then he had apologised for the bad pun.
Thursday evening they had decided to go and eat out. They had toyed with the idea of several different restaurants, but couldn’t agree on a single one. Mallory had been listening to Renee and Ryan arguing over the Steak House on King Street, which Ryan championed, and the Japanese place on Division Street that was Renee’s choice.
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