I Am Alive

by Cameron Jace

  No, Mom. I will have as much fun as I can. I will embrace life and cherish each moment, as long as I know that I stand for what I believe in. And as long as I am a part of something, and think of others as much as I think of myself. I will have fun.

  I might not find Woo, and I might die foolishly, but the experience here is worth it. One day alive is better than thousands of days pretending.

  I let the chocolate slide into my mouth so slowly, I feel hypnotized. I feel its taste on my tongue, melting like a slow song with a good chorus and a brilliant singer. Never has a chocolate blessed me with such a feeling before. Today it’s different. Its taste feels deserved.

  After I indulge the taste fully, I open my eyes, and look back into the forest. There is someone in there. That girl is looking back at me from behind the bushes.

  30

  “Hey!” I stand up and start following her.

  When I reach the bushes, she is gone again. It's too dark to see behind those bushes, away from the fire. I call for her one more time, touching the white ring on my finger, the one I found before. I think it buzzes slightly again. Or maybe not.

  Leo’s flashlight shines on me from behind.

  “What did you see?” asks Leo, resting one hand gently on my shoulder. I pretend that I so don’t like his touch. I pretend.

  “The girl I told you about. She was watching us.”

  “Do you want to go look for her?” His voice is too gentle to be Leo.

  “So you believe me?”

  “Of course I do,” he says. “I was only concerned that searching deeper into the forest could open up Hell’s gate. We need to rest. We have a big day tomorrow.”

  “You’re right,” I lie again. I have a feeling the girl could help me find Woo.

  “I know what you’re thinking.” He gets a step closer. Too close. Goosebumps rise up on my arms. Good goosebumps. The kind you feel when the boy you like approaches you.

  “Yeah? What am I thinking, hotshot?” I ask.

  “That the girl might have a way out. If she had, she wouldn’t be here. She might be a vagabond or a gypsy from another region, using this place like a refuge.”

  I am not convinced at all. I am just worried about why he is being so gentle. Do we need to be alone for him to be affectionate and human? He has that musical voice when he talks again. Those James Dean eyes. In all this mess, he looks so perfect.

  “Are you a Teen-Gene package?” I ask spontaneously.

  “What?”

  “Bad idea,” I murmur. “Never mind. It’s just that you act like you’ve known me for a long time.”

  “A little longer than you think.” He brushes the back of his hand against my cheek.

  “Okay.” I take a step back. “You are being creepy now. What do you mean longer than I think?”

  “I’ll explain when the right time comes.”

  “And when is the right time for you? Dying time?” I flash back. “Oh. I remember. You kiss people right before dying, right when you finally realize they will no longer be here, and you’ll be all alone and miserable.” I take a step forward again, my finger right under his nose.

  “Are you implying that I like you?”

  “Of course you like me.” I wave my finger.

  “How many times do I have to tell you that I didn’t kiss you in the dome?” Leo bursts out. “Timmy is playing tricks on you.”

  “You’re lying—”

  “Hey, guys?” Bellona calls, searching for us in the dark. “Are you okay, or what?”

  “I didn’t kiss you.” Leo pushes my finger away. “I care for you, yes. But I don’t like the idea of me kissing you spreading around.”

  “Yeah? So you did. Who are you afraid of? What is your story, Leo? Why are you even here? It doesn’t make sense that you’re here with us.”

  “It doesn’t make sense that you are here either. You know that,” he says.

  I swallow. What does he know about me? Can I trust him with finding Woo?

  “I heard that,” Bellona says. “So why are you here in Dizny Battlefieldz? I know I am here because I’ve disgraced the army. Pepper is here because she has no potential. Vern is ill. Woodsy is a Romeo. What about you, Leo?”

  “Pepper is a great singer, by the way. It isn’t right. She does have potential,” says Leo. I am surprised he knows anything about Pepper.

  “Pepper sings?” I ask.

  “Four years ago, I was part of a talent show. I heard her sing. She sings beautifully.”

  “So why wasn’t this shown on her iAm? It could have saved her,” says Bellona. “And why didn’t you recommend her? These things help.”

  “I was a different person then. A selfish jerk. I couldn’t care less about her rank. As for the iAm, who said that this machine could read your soul? Can you tell me the statistics of your spirit? Singing is a talent of the soul.”

  I could pull my hair and scream right now. Singing is a talent of the soul? Since when does Leo talk like a passionate human being?

  31

  Pepper’s voice is angelic. I can imagine the words like fireflies dancing around the hazy heat from the fire in the middle of the circle. Leo has a broad smile on his face. Every surviving day down here, he starts to show more of his soul and become more human. Pepper’s voice is better than chocolates. Woodsy is using a tree branch for percussion. I am clapping, and Bellona is dancing, military-style.

  Pepper decides not to sing I Am Alive, Leo’s banned song. Instead she sings another tune of his. It’s called: Sometimes.

  There was a time when life seemed so hard

  I thought that I was alone

  No one to cry to and no one to run to

  And no place to call home

  So I said it’s ok now

  Run away, I thought I can escape

  But only now I realize

  I’ve got to stick to my fate

  I sneak a glance at Leo as Pepper sings the words. What’s your story Leo, really? I mean, how did this killing machine write such beautiful lyrics, and such a lovely tune?

  Pepper continues:

  Sometime you get it right

  Sometimes you get it wrong

  Sometimes you got to give it all you got

  And just fight for your rights

  I remember the song now. I caught Woo singing it once. It was his third favorite. His first was called “Follow the Sun” by the Beatles.

  “The hell with the banning,” says Bellona, still dancing. “Down here we can do whatever we want.”

  Down here we are actually free to do what we want. I believe Leo. The Playa was designed to be a much better place, but Prophet Xitler flipped the coin to its ugly side.

  A tingle of euphoria in my spine urges me to turn my iAm on. Leo gives me that look again.

  “Turn yours on, everyone,” I say. “Let them hear us dance and sing. Let the world hear your banned song.”

  “I like that!” Bellona turns on her iAm, and transmits the song to an international feed: a function that allows you to send your song anonymously to the world, to whoever is interested. Still, this doesn’t allow you to call or contact anyone outside. It shows an instant chart of how many people are listening, voting, and commenting. It’s illegal to stream a song that is banned, but we are illegal teens, anyway. What does one more illegal thing matter? So be it. The beauty of the international feed function is that once the song plays, there is nothing illegal about hearing it or commenting on it. The blame is only on the sender.

  Blame it on the Monsters. The song is online.

  “Right here from Dizny Battlefieldz…” Woodsy mimics a radio host’s attitude, talking to a stone instead of a microphone. He is mimicking Timmy a little. “We have an exclusive stream of the number-one song in Faya: I Am Alive.”

  Ten listeners in a few seconds.

  More fireflies gather around the fire, with flickering colors. I hear movement in the forest. Animals, I guess. Even if it was the girl who keeps hiding from me, I wouldn’t min
d.

  A squirrel suddenly passes through, jumping over the fire, and escapes to the other side. And we thought there were no animals in here. There definitely are, but I guess there is something that scares them.

  We have one thousand listeners, and over three hundred comments.

  Leo grabs my hands all of the sudden, pulls me up, and we start to dance. His big hands are on my back, and his legs move swiftly. I am a horrible dancer. He is a master. Our eyes meet in the flickering light, and I see through them. Just like the stars I used to tell Woo about. Although it feels confusing, remembering Woo while in the hands of Leo, I convince myself that I haven’t found Woo yet.

  I see the child behind Leo’s eyes for the first time. The one you could imagine splashing water at you while swimming in the ocean, riding a motorcycle for fun, sleeping deeply, and holding someone he loves next to him, instead of a rifle.

  “Twenty thousand listeners, in only a couple of minutes.” Bellona can’t help herself. She stands between me and Leo, dancing with us. “We should stream our own live show.”

  Pepper signals for me to check the listeners count for the song we’ve just streamed. My iAm says eighty-seven thousand listeners, over thirty thousand likes, and two thousand comments.

  “They recorded the live version we just sang, and are rotating it on Zootube,” Pepper notices. The song is spreading through the network.

  “What can I say,” says Leo, with his eccentric smile on his face. “I was a superstar once.”

  “Does that mean we have fans?” asks Vern.

  I feel like a light bulb is shimmering above my head. Do we have fans? Isn’t it time to use this in our favor? Since when do outranked have fans?

  “Interesting point,” says Woodsy. “Those fans are Fives, Sixes, Sevens, hopefully Eights and Nines. And they are fans of the Monsters.”

  Leo poses like a body builder, showing off his six-pack — it’s a four-pack, actually. Pepper and Woodsy pose behind him. Vern crawls between them, as if they are taking glamour shots. The skaters laugh, and continue gorging on canned food. They barely nod their heads to the music, as if dancing will strip them of their soldier identities. Can’t they see their leader, Bellona, dancing like a duck?

  I take a photo of all of them, gathered and posing, with my iAm.

  Pepper keeps dancing, spreading her hands to the night sky. “I am so happy,” she says. “Shouldn’t they send us more flowers from the sky or something?”

  “Come on, Timmy,” I say in my iAm and look up at the midnight sky. “I know you can hear us.”

  “Come on,” Bellona says. “A little Artificial Skyyyyy.” She knots her face and squeaks her voice, imitating Timmy. I laugh hysterically at this. “Send us some dandelions down here from your artificial sky.”

  “Where is an artificial sky when you need one?” Leo mutters.

  “Come on, Timmy,” I insist.

  “No can do,” Timmy joins in on the iAm. “We don’t have Artificial Sky where you are. I could drop a bomb on you though. We have those.” He sounds sleepy. I think we woke him up.

  “Noooo!” we all scream, and continue dancing.

  “I thought so,” Timmy says. “Can I please get some sleep now?” He yawns. “I have to kill me some Monsters tomorrow,” he says, and hangs up.

  Suddenly, I get a phone call. How is that possible? Everyone stops in their tracks.

  I check the caller’s ID. It’s Ariadna.

  “Ariadna?” I pick up before cautious Leo stops me.

  “Hey.” Ariadna sounds worried, but she sounds happy to talk to me too. “How are you, girlie?”

  “Ariadna?” I say. “Where have you been?”

  “Celebrating, you know. Being a Nine is such a responsibility.” She sounds like she’s mocking herself. “My family is truly happy. We’re moving to a new house in the Boulevard. My sister is getting a scholarship for a ballet school — and a new boyfriend. Everyone rises and shines.”

  I shrug, not knowing if I should be happy for her, being in the situation I am in. But come on. She is super lovely. I am happy for her. None of this is her fault.

  “So listen,” says Ariadna. “I know I have not been there for you for the last two days. They threatened me to revoke my rank if I did something stupid—”

  “Like calling me now?” I cut in. “That’s very stupid of you, Ariadna. They’ll track you.”

  “I know,” she sighs. “I am calling through something called an iCoder, sold by the Monsters-to-be in the poorer neighborhoods. A new device the Breakfast Club is trying to spread out to people. I was told I had only a minute, before the Summit can track me. But I had to hear your voice, Decca.”

  “Oh. Ariadna. That’s so—”

  “I had to hear your voice before—”

  “Before what, Ariadna?”

  “Listen,” she says. I wonder how much is left of the minute. “My sister’s new boyfriend turned out to be from Eliza Day’s family. Eliza day is the only woman in Faya who sometimes speaks on Xitler’s behalf when they need to see a face instead of a voice. You must have seen her before. He told her an hour ago that Prophet Xitler announced in a secret meeting that this year’s games was the most profitable, but they also spent ridiculous amounts of money, like on Artificial Sky. They can’t spend more money on the games. Besides, a lot of viewers are starting to have a sweet spot for you guys. This never happened during the games before. The Summit won’t let that affect the show.”

  “Ouch,” I say. “I guess that means that the banned song we uploaded now is going to get them that much madder.”

  “Definitely.”

  “So?”

  “So tomorrow…” Ariadna pauses. “They’re planning to finish you off. Literally. The game will be brutal, and unfair. They won’t abide by the rules. They don’t want anyone to win. It just can’t happen. If someone wins, the system will be compromised. Tomorrow, Carnivore and two other genetically manipulated tigers will be out to kill you. I have to go, Decca. Take care.”

  “I understand,” I say, letting my hand freefall with the iAm in it, exchanging looks with the others. I remember that I want to say good-bye to Ariadna, so I pull the iAm up again. “Thank you, Ariadna,” I say, but she is already gone. None of them heard the phone call yet. How am I going to pass on the ugly news?

  “Don’t tell me,” says Leo. “There is free ice-cream tomorrow before the game.” Leo looks like he was expecting this. What else do you know, Leo?

  I stick out my tongue at Leo. How can he be so calm? Anyone seeing the horror on my face knows I have bad news.

  “Ice cream?” Vern asks Leo. “All of us?”

  32

  In my dream, I am looking through Woo’s eyes. I see him fighting for his life in the ninth Monster Show. It feels like I am wearing his body, like a tight dress, making it harder for me to breathe inside of him.

  He is fighting a one-eyed, white tiger on white sands underneath white skies. He is fighting Carnivore in the Monsterium.

  I see Woo’s hands swinging as if they were mine. But how can this be? They are a boy’s hands; tough, muscular, and full of hardened veins. I can’t control them, but they are swinging with a sword at the white tiger.

  Is this a dream, or a nightmare? Have you ever dreamt your hands weren’t yours, doing things without your control?

  Woo slashes at the tiger while I am inside him, trying to control his hands. He does it all wrong. I have better ideas and tactics than his, but I don’t know how to control his hands, or how to tell him. I scream inside of him, telling him I know how to win, that he doesn’t have to die. Woo doesn’t listen, and my hands are tight because they are not mine. They are his.

  Woo is strong. He is counting on his strength. I would rather rely on my mind, on my intuition. I wish I could talk to him, maybe insinuate my thoughts, so he follows my advice. Although I am inside his body, seeing with his eyes, I am still so far away from him. So far.

  “I am seeing through your eyes,” I whisper
to him, but he doesn’t hear me. I feel like I’m talking to myself in a narrow closet I can’t get out of. I want to remind him that he wished he could see through my eyes, and now I am the one who sees through his eyes.

  The only way for Woo to differentiate between sand and sky is by observing the curves in the sands, the tops of the sand dunes. They only show when they change slope or direction. They have a darker shade, but they are so hard to see. There is also the sun, blistering onto the sands. Other than this, everything else is white. It’s so blinding. Woo needs to find the tiger hiding in the white sands and stay alive, before the tiger finds him.

  Helping me stay alive as well.

  Helping us.

  Woo and I used to never be apart.

  I don’t care what happens to me, if the tiger kills Woo. Woo and I are one. If he lives, I live. If he dies, I die with him.

  “You and I am one. It’s not ‘are,’ it’s ‘am,’” Woo used to say.

  Although Woo doesn’t talk to me, I can hear his thoughts occasionally. He is thinking about me, calling me Tender. He says he loves the ‘ten’ in Tender. He thinks that if he dies, I will be able to kill Carnivore, because I am a Ten. In a world where Tens are a myth, he thinks I am a Ten.

  “Foolish Woo. Thinking about me will get you killed. I am far from a Ten. I am just a girl, and maybe I don’t want to be a Ten.”

  “No matter what they rank you, you are my Ten,” he thinks.

  Woo once told me about his mother. She was mute when she had him. She had left his father, who was a vicious man. Woo’s mother gave birth to him at sea, having escaped from Faya, because she found out he had some deficiency in his genes too. She didn’t want him to be ranked, afraid he could be a Five, or worse, a Monster.

  When the sailors found him, they asked her about his name. She said, “Woo—” and didn’t complete the sentence. And even if she did, only vowels would have come out. When I think of it now, I think that Woo might not have even been his name. For some unknown reason, his mother uttered two vowels that sound like someone in pain to me.

  The sailors didn’t argue. Woo he was.

  His mother went into a ten day coma. For ten days, the sailors called him Woo, wondering what she meant by calling him such a strange name. He told me that when he asked her about the incident later, she claimed she didn’t remember. She was lying, Woo said. What did she mean? What was his real name?