An Ex to Grind in Deadwood (Deadwood Humorous Mystery Book 5) Paperback – September 4, 2014

by Ann Charles

  “I can’t?”

  “Nope. Scooch over.” She hip bumped him deeper into the booth and then leaned in close to him, sniffing. “Is that you?” She sniffed again. “Damn, you smell yummy. Oh wait, you’re a cop. Let me rephrase that. Detective, you have a pleasant fragrance on this evening.” She grinned. “Sir.”

  “Uh, thanks.” Cooper’s voice sounded thicker, garbled.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll keep my hands to myself.” Her chuckle had a self-deprecation ring to it. “I’m not interested in the handcuff/strip search routine these days.”

  “That’s a shame,” he shot back.

  “Cheeky. Nice.” She patted his forearm. “So, I need your professional opinion on something.”

  He toyed with his glass. “Are you and Parker planning on doing something illegal again? Or do you need a second opinion on where to put another tattoo?”

  “You’re in rare form tonight, Detective.”

  “It’s Coop,” he said, “and you don’t know the half of it.”

  “You never let me call you Coop,” I said.

  “That’s because you need to be reminded at all times that I’m a cop or you’ll go out and break another law.”

  “He’s got a point,” Doc said, and then grunted when I elbowed him.

  Cooper’s gaze locked onto Nat’s mouth. “What’s your question?”

  “First, Violet needs to answer something.” She looked at me. “Are you going to let your ex blackmail you?”

  I’d told her earlier about Rex’s visit to my office and his family proposition, but a phone call from Jerry had interrupted us and put an end to the conversation.

  “There’s no way in hell that I’m giving in to that bastard.”

  Doc caught my hand, lifting it to his lips, his eyes molten.

  The waitress stopped by to drop off Natalie’s iced tea.

  Cooper’s brow knitted. “Is he bothering you again?”

  “I told you he’s an even bigger asshole than you,” I said, smiling to take the sting out of my answer.

  “The son of a bitch is about to lose his balls,” Natalie said, reaching over Cooper to grab a couple of sugar packets. “And I have just the vice clamp and pruning shears for the job.”

  With her mind on sugar or Rex’s cojones or both, Natalie didn’t seem to notice Cooper’s reaction as she stretched across him. Sitting directly across from him, I saw it all—the sharp intake of breath, the tightening of his shoulders, the slow blink of his eyes as she leaned into him, and the way he looked down at his forearm where her breast had touched after she sat back. Then he took a big gulp of beer. His eyes widened when he caught me watching, his neck and face darkening.

  Busted!

  There it was right in front of my face. Cooper and Natalie sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Oh, my molies!

  “Detective?” Natalie waved her hand between us, interrupting our stare off. “Yoo hoo.”

  He warned me with one last narrowed glare, and then turned to Nat. “What?”

  “What happens if Vi files a restraining order and Rex ignores it?”

  “Knowing Parker and you, I’d say such a foolish step by her ex would result in dismemberment.”

  Natalie grinned. “What’s the jail sentence for penis removal by pruning shears?”

  The bartender called for Natalie. “Be right back,” she told us and slid out of the booth.

  Cooper watched her go.

  “She’s innocent, I swear,” I told him.

  “I doubt that.” He slid out of the booth and stood, grabbing his coat. “I need to go.” He looked at Doc. “We’re still on for poker Wednesday night, right?”

  “Sure.”

  “That ability of yours—is that why you keep kicking my ass at cards?”

  Doc chuckled. “No, you just suck at poker.”

  “Damn. I thought I had an excuse.” He nodded at both of us. “I’ll be in touch. Stay out of my crime scenes unless I’m there with you.”

  “Oh, wait,” I said, holding up a finger. “One more thing.”

  “What?” His tone was full of suspicion.

  “Could we have that box of teeth back from evidence?”

  “Why?”

  “That’s another long story that will make you unhappy.”

  “No.” He didn’t even hesitate.

  “Okay,” I said, “feel free to think about it for a few days.”

  “Nyce, see you at the game. Parker, don’t call me.”

  I watched him stride out the door and then looked at Doc. “I think he’s warming up to me.”

  He kissed my forehead. “You played well with others tonight, Tiger.”

  “Thanks. Cooper likes Natalie.”

  “I noticed.”

  “Do you think she did?”

  “You tell me.” He finished his beer.

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Are you going to say something to her?”

  I thought about that for a moment. She seemed so much more at ease with herself since she’d given up men, happier, less self-critical. Not to mention her admission that she was loving her independence from lust and regret. “Probably not.”

  “But you really want to, don’t you?”

  “Of course. It’s Nat.”

  “And it’s Cooper, who is already not happy with you for a multitude of reasons.”

  “That man needs a smiley face T-shirt to wear. Maybe he’d wear it if I pretended it was from Natalie.”

  “Violet.”

  “Okay, okay, my lips are sealed.” For now. “What do you think Cooper will do about Ms. Wolff?”

  “We’ll see. Whether he believes us or not, he has some answers to ponder now about her death.”

  I finished off my margarita. “I still want to know why she called me. Why she had Layne’s photo. What that writing in the drawer says.” I fingered my necklace, wondering. “Do me a favor, Doc. Send me the picture you took of that drawer.”

  “Okay. Why?”

  “I think I know who might be able to decipher it.”

  “Who? Cornelius?”

  I stabbed the lime in the bottom of my glass. “Aunt Zoe.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Monday, October 15th (Two days later)

  The lunch crowd at Bighorn Billy’s had slowed to a trickle. Only a handful of patrons remained, including my once-a-week lunch buddy and me.

  “What’d you do to Coop?” Harvey asked in between bites of his cheeseburger.

  I squeezed a lemon wedge into my glass of iced tea. “What do you mean?”

  “He’s actin’ like he’s got his tail in a wringer lately.”

  That didn’t tell me much. “He’s been acting like that since I met him.”

  “This is different. The boy’s all fidgety and frustrated. I can’t tell which way that mule’s gonna jump these days.”

  I shrugged. “Who knows what he’s stewing on now? Maybe he’s all buggered up about that foot ol’ Red found.”

  Or maybe it was Doc’s and my tale about Ms. Wolff’s murder, or Detective Hawke’s constant presence at his side, or a hankering for a certain brunette. The poor knucklehead probably had a shitload of problems keeping him up all night. It turned out Cooper wasn’t made of steel joints and hydraulic fluid after all.

  “I blame you.” Harvey stuffed the last of his burger into his mouth.

  “What did I do?”

  He finished chewing and swallowing before answering. “Tossed a hornet’s nest in his outhouse.”

  “You’re the one who keeps finding creepy body parts out at your ranch, not me.”

  “No, you just find dead bodies mostly in one piece.”

  “Just finish up so we can get rolling. I have an appointment to get to and I don’t want to be late.”

  “For what?”

  “The hotel sale is a done deal. Cornelius takes over ownership of the Old Prospector Hotel this afternoon. He asked me to join him at the signing.” Cornelius had told me on the phone earli
er that he wanted my juju there to ensure success with his future plans for the place. I was happy to attend so I could make sure he didn’t get distracted by a chatty ghost or certain busty redhead.

  When I’d asked him if he’d finished analyzing his recordings from the séance, he said the video had shown me walking into the bedroom and staring in the mirror. That was it until the rest of them joined me. There was no paranormal instances caught on film. He’d sounded sad about it, too, like his balloon had slipped from his grip and floated away. When I’d inquired about the other recording equipment he’d brought, he told me the Galena House must have some magnetic energy field that interfered with his readings, because what data he had made no sense.

  Focusing back on the things in my world that did make sense, I grinned at Harvey. “I should get a nice paycheck today or tomorrow and finally be able to buy a used car for the winter. You don’t have to take the Picklemobile into the shop to get her heater working again after all.”

  “No wonder you’ve had that goofy grin on your face since we got here.”

  The goofy grin had a little to do with the sale finally being in my past and a lot to do with a certain brown-eyed man being in my future.

  Ten minutes later, we crunched across the parking lot toward Harvey’s pickup.

  “So what is going on out at your ranch?” I asked, climbing into the cab.

  “I already told you, I’m sellin’ off my herd. I’m tired of dealin’ with all of the kooky shit happening to my cows. Then I’m gonna get the old homestead cleaned up some more so maybe next spring we’ll land us a big fish from the other side of the state. Turn my ranch into one of those fancy vacation properties that are so popular these days here in the hills. That’s why I want you to find me an ol’ Red a rental in town for the winter.” He’d informed me of his plans last night while I’d been cleaning up the dinner dishes. “Doc’s couch is mighty comfy, but I don’t want him to start setting my boots outside the door each night.”

  “I meant what is going on with that foot? Has the sheriff’s department been out to scour your property yet?”

  “They had the dogs out there twice this week, sniffin’ around everything, but I ain’t heard nothin’ else since.” He started up the pickup and rolled out onto the road. “Where to? Back to Calamity Jane’s?”

  “I need to swing by the Galena House and drop off some paperwork for Freesia to sign.”

  “We sneakin’ inside for another peep at the crime scene?”

  “Not today. I don’t want to miss the signing appointment because Cooper has me locked behind bars.”

  We rode in silence for a few blocks while I daydreamed about paying off some bills and buying the kids a couple of pairs of much needed shoes and new winter gear with the money I was going to make off the sale of the hotel property.

  “I saw our lovesick fire captain last night at the bar up in Lead,” Harvey interrupted my money-filled fantasy.

  “He wasn’t drowning his sorrows again, was he?”

  “Nope. He was cueing up at the pool table, enjoying a game with one of his buddies. I asked him if anyone in particular had threatened to fill him with shotgun pellets lately and he got a big fat grin on his mug.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “That’s what I asked. He told me that he’d recently been called a low-down, rotten heartbreaker, but there’d been no talk about gettin’ her gun. Said he considered that progress.”

  I’d keep my fingers crossed for him.

  Harvey pulled up in front of the Galena House and cut the engine. “You want me to go on up there with ya?”

  “No.” I grabbed a pen from my purse and opened the passenger door. “I’ll be right back.”

  “I’m gonna play me some cards then.” He pulled out his phone.

  I clomped up the sidewalk in my knee-high black boots, fantasizing about shopping for a used car. I didn’t care much about the color. Something that didn’t backfire every time I shut it off would be a real treat. Although the Picklemobile did a great job of announcing my arrival on scene when necessary.

  I was at the base of the porch steps when the front door opened. I looked up with a smile for Freesia. The sight of the ax-carrying juggernaut pushing out through the screen door froze me like a rusted tin man. A squeak leaked from my lips. My bladder threatened to leak as well but held tight.

  His bulbous dark eyes locked onto mine. I didn’t remember them being that dark before, but then Caly had talked about wearing contacts, so maybe he was, too.

  I held my breath, waiting for his reaction, all prepped for flight as fast as my boots would skidaddle.

  His face remained flat and disinterested, no spark of recognition before he turned back to Freesia.

  “I’m sorry for the inconvenience,” Freesia said to him, all sugar and friendliness. “Until the police take down the crime scene tape, my hands are tied.”

  Why had he been trying to get into Ms. Wolff’s apartment? Had he left a clue behind when he killed her? Something Cooper had missed?

  “I understand,” he spoke in that Slavic accent I knew so well from my nightmares. “I will come back at another time for my aunt’s personal effects.”

  His aunt? What a load of manure.

  “If you leave me a phone number,” Freesia started.

  “I am traveling for a few weeks.” He bowed slightly to her. “Thank you for your assistance.”

  He moved with lithe grace down the stairs, joining me on the sidewalk where I was trying to play chameleon and blend into the background. As he neared, his eyes still showed no recognition, his face an unreadable mask. I could have been a kid’s bike left on the grass for all he seemed to care.

  His gaze left my face and locked onto my necklace. His steps staggered, his nostrils flaring wide. When he looked back up at me, I stared into narrowed vertical slits. Snake eyes!

  Adrenaline spiked, but it was too late to run. I lifted my chin, holding his hard, chilling glare. My fingertips tingled as I gripped the pen, ready to stab him if he lashed out.

  Then he blinked, and his dark eyes returned to normal. Without another glance, he stalked past me. I watched him go, not trusting my back to him. At the end of the sidewalk, he took a sharp left and made for the pine trees.

  My breath shallow and fast, I watched him disappear into the thick shadows under the trees.

  Holy funkendunkel! That was close. Was that the juggernaut’s twin? Or had the killer just not recognized me? No, that had to be the twin, didn’t it?

  “He’s Ms. Wolff’s nephew,” Freesia said from the porch.

  No, that was the bogeyman in the flesh. I considered clarifying who he really was, but decided that ignorance may be best for her safety.

  Shaking off the tension that had kept me locked solid for the last minute, I joined her on the porch. I scanned the tree line, afraid he might come sprinting back with that sinister ax in hand at any moment. “What did he want?”

  “To collect some of his aunt’s possessions.”

  I wondered if Cooper had contacted any relatives. I doubted it because I was pretty certain Ms. Wolff didn’t have any. At least none still alive.

  What did he really want? Something with the clocks? Something from her bedroom? Something Doc and I had overlooked?

  I palmed my phone, pulling up Cooper’s number.

  Then I remembered the detective’s parting words the other night: Parker, don’t call me.

  Maybe I should wait, talk to Doc first, let him call Cooper.

  “He seems nice, but he scared the crap out me when I first saw him.” Freesia said.

  “Because of his looks?” That oversize, gangly armed Donald Duck thing he had going repulsed me every time. There was no getting used to that ghoulish mug.

  “No, although that is a face only a mother could love.”

  Or a twin brother.

  “I came downstairs,” Freesia explained, “and he was leaning against the wall next to Ms. Wolff’s door, all big and cre
epy looking.”

  She should see him come at her with an ax sometime. No wait, I didn’t want her to witness that. “Just standing there?”

  “Yeah, hanging out.”

  “That’s weird.”

  “I explained to him about the police tape and Detective Cooper’s rules. The guy was polite enough, but I think something was bothering him because he kept looking at the door.” She touched her chest, all sympathy and caring for a monster who could have cut out her heart. “I can’t imagine finding out my aunt was killed. He must be devastated.”

  Right, the poor, murdering bastard. Where was he hiding that ax? Was it stashed in the apartment somewhere? Was that why he’d come back?

  “Did he mention what made him come by today? If the cops had contacted him?” As far as I knew, Cooper was still trying to keep this all hush-hush.

  “No. He told me he was in town and wanted to pick up her things. That was it.”

  “You need to tell Cooper about this.” If Freesia called, then I’d be even more removed from the gust of heat when his temper flared.

  “About Ms. Wolff’s nephew visiting?”

  No, about the ax-swinging assassin standing outside of Ms. Wolff’s apartment telling lies about his relationship to her. “Yes, you should let him know about it all, including a physical description of the nephew. He inferred the other day that he wanted to keep close tabs on the coming and goings here.”

  I didn’t specify that he meant my coming and goings.

  “Okay. I’ll call the detective as soon as you and I finish with the paperwork you mentioned on the phone.”

  “Good.”

  Now to wait for the ax to fall—Cooper’s or the albino’s.

  Both made me want to run home and hide under my bed.

  * * *

  Later that evening I walked Doc and Harvey out to Doc’s car, kissing one goodnight and blowing a raspberry at the other.

  “You sure you don’t want me to spend the night?” Doc asked as I huddled inside his arms.

  “We’ll be okay.” There was something about Aunt Zoe’s house that made me feel safe and secure in spite of who I’d seen earlier. “He didn’t recognize me at first.”

  “Maybe not, but something about that necklace sure snagged his attention.” Doc stepped back. “I’m just a phone call away. I can be here in five minutes.”