The Big Ohhh

by Ashton, Nikki

  “Um, Mr. Macmillan,” James said and rubbed his chin. “These are most definitely dentures, when did you get them?”

  “I’m telling you; I haven’t had dentures.” Mr. Macmillan’s voice rose to a shriek as he pushed himself up from his prone position.”

  “But they’re not your own teeth, so…” James placed both his hands on his hips and stared at the large, grey-haired man.

  “I know that,” Mr. Macmillan cried.

  “But you said you hadn’t had dentures, Mr. Macmillan.” I smiled sweetly at him and leaned a little closer and surreptitiously inhaled to check for the smell of alcohol, but there was none.

  “I haven’t.” He sat fully upright and swung his legs off the chair. “These are the wife’s. We share them, I have them on a Monday, Thursday, and Friday and she has them the rest of the time.”

  He looked totally aggrieved that we should need to question him, and he let out a loud huff and a tsk.

  “Um, Mr. Macmillan,” James said, in a conciliatory tone. “We can’t really examine dentures that aren’t yours. They weren’t made for your mouth; they were made for your wife’s.”

  Mr. Macmillan frowned. “Well I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in my life, call yourself a dentist.”

  “But they’re not your teeth,” I offered.

  Mr. Macmillan looked at me as though I was the stupid one and then stood up.

  “I’ll be speaking to the dental board about you lot,” he said and wagged a finger at us. “You mark my words.”

  As he slammed the door closed behind him, James and I both winced.

  “Oh God,” James groaned, “it’s going to be one of those weeks isn’t it?”

  “Yeah,” I replied with a grin. “I think it is.”

  * * *

  The afternoon sped by, and it was soon time for home, but I still felt disappointed in James’ reaction to the fact that Charlie had met my family. It was true that James’ perception of my family came from my comments about them as he’d never met them, and I did tend to over exaggerate what they were like; but Charlie had seen my dad naked and he had been interrogated by my brothers, so it was no wonder I felt dejected. Which was why, when I was on my way home, I almost screamed when my mobile rang, and the name Dimples flashed on the screen.

  “Oh shit,” I gasped, as I stared down at the name that I had insisted Charlie gave himself when he’d programmed his number in.

  My heart beat faster as I looked around the street, in search of some sort of divine intervention on what I should do. A normal, sane person would simply answer the bloody thing, but I was convinced his call was to cancel our date. Not that there was an actual date to cancel, we hadn’t actually agreed on a where or a when.

  After a few more rings, I knew I needed to be a big brave girl, I pressed at the screen.

  “H-hello,” I stammered, with my eyes closed against the disappointment I knew I was about to feel.

  “Hey, Willow, it’s me, Charlie.”

  His voice sounded bright enough, a little nervous thickness in his throat maybe, but okay.

  “I know,” I replied with a little breath to my voice in an attempt to sound sexy and flirty, just in case he was about to dump me before we’d even got started. That way he’d maybe always wonder, what if? “It said Dimples on my phone.”

  Charlie laughed on the other end and I felt the tension ease from me slightly.

  “Oh yeah, I forgot about that.”

  “Hmm, you were pretty drunk when you did it.”

  “As were you, yet you’re in mine as Willow, so what does that tell you?”

  I could hear a door close in the background and I wondered if he was at work and shouldn’t have been calling me.

  “That you’re a worse drunk than I am.”

  I moved over to a low wall that bordered a small row of shops near to the surgery and plonked myself down.

  “Or that I’m more boring,” I added.

  “No way, that’s not possible.” This time his laugh was much louder, and a little more anxiety seeped away from my body. “There is nothing boring about you, whatsoever.”

  I grinned and let his words sink in, surprised at how happy one phone call from him had made me. I really couldn’t remember the last time a man had made me feel like this; all giddy and girly.

  “I’m glad about that.” I looked down at my feet which seemed to have sprung into a little dance all of their own accord. “I’d hate to bore you to death.”

  “Never in a million.”

  “So, was there a reason you called?”

  I held my breath and hoped that I hadn’t been lulled into a false sense of security by his sweet flirting.

  “About our date. I was thinking maybe we could go out tonight, if you’re not doing anything.”

  The air rushed from my lungs and my feet stopped dancing and started to stamp up and down excitably.

  “Yes,” I replied, probably a little too quickly. “Tonight, would be great. I don’t have anything planned.”

  Okay, so Cosmopolitan would have probably told me in a list of ‘ten ways to hook a guy’, to act cool and leave him waiting for a couple of days, but I’d experienced their advice once before and it didn’t end well. Try something new with your appearance evidently didn’t mean do a home dye job and end up with hair the colour of a soldier’s combat gear, after he’d worn it for five days solid on manoeuvres in the Brecon Beacons.

  “You don’t? That’s great.”

  Charlie sounded genuinely excited which transferred to me, making my heart flutter rapidly.

  “I can pick you up, say eight?”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  There was a pause and I wondered if he was grinning as manically as I was and so couldn’t speak.

  “Anything in particular I should wear?” I asked. “You know, swimming costume, ski wear, that sort of thing.”

  “No,” Charlie replied around a laugh. “I thought maybe the cinema and then pizza?”

  “Perfect.”

  “You sure? There’s about three new films on, so we’d have plenty of choice.”

  “Honestly, Charlie, it sounds great.”

  It really did because I’d be close to him, next to him in the dark, and maybe he’d hold my hand, or maybe if there was a horror movie on I could suggest we watch that, because then I’d be able to snuggle into that gorgeous, hard, warm chest of his.

  “Excellent, so I’ll see you later.”

  “Okay, see you at eight.” Then a thought struck me. “I’ll wait at the end of the drive.”

  Laughter rolled down the line. “Willow, I’ve already met them, I know exactly what they’re like.”

  “Okay,” I sighed. “See you at eight.”

  He said goodbye and I left the phone to my ear until I was sure he was gone and I realised with great certainty that I already had it bad for him.

  Whenever you’re on top of him, facing his feet, just as he’s about to have his orgasm, grasp his toes and pull gently. It seems that the nerves in his toes are connected to the ones in his genitals, so this extra stimulation increases the intensity of his ejaculation – also it’ll ensure he doesn’t wear his socks to bed.

  * * *

  Willow

  “Oh my God,” I blasted, as Ruben burst into the bathroom. “Can I not have some privacy, just once?”

  “I need a shit, and Mum is having a shower in her and Dad’s bathroom, so…” he shrugged and indicated with a sweep of his hand that it was time I left.

  “What about the toilet downstairs?” I asked as I rubbed at my hair with a towel.

  “You know we’re not allowed to shit in that one, now fucking hurry up.”

  I rolled my eyes and silently cursed my mother for forbidding anything smelly going on in the downstairs loo because it was close to the front door and the lounge. That didn’t mean to say we didn’t all risk it from time to time, but she had a nose like a Bloodhound and could smell even the tiniest of bowel evacuations.<
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  I snatched my discarded clothes from the floor and like the adult that I was, flicked my tongue out at my brother.

  “God, you’re such a child,” he complained and slammed the door behind me.

  I wasn’t really sure why Ruben and I didn’t get on as well as the rest of us did. Maybe it was the middle and youngest child syndromes kicking in that made us both feel totally disgruntled with each other, or maybe it was because when he was fifteen I told his friends that he still wet the bed until he was eight – God, that boy could hold a grudge, but whatever his reasons, he barely tolerated me. We loved each other, of course we did, but clashed a lot.

  I stomped into my bedroom, I looked down at the array of clothes that lay on the top of my bed. I had no idea what I was going to wear. There was a cute pair of ankle grazer red jeans, a pretty flowered 1940’s vintage tea dress, a whole host of t-shirts and shirts, about five different skirts, and not to mention the jeans and trousers that I’d also thrown there.

  “Oh God,” I groaned. “This is hopeless.” I slammed back out of my bedroom and went to the top of the stairs. “Toby, I need you.”

  “Do you need to shout so loud?” Ruben grunted from the other side of the bathroom door. “Some of us are trying to concentrate in here.”

  I rolled my eyes at the door and opened my mouth to yell for my brother again.

  “What?” He appeared at the bottom of the stairs, a bowl of something clutched against his chest and a spoon halfway to his mouth.

  “I need you to help me pick an outfit.” I swivelled on my heels expecting him to follow.

  Being a model, my brother had a great eye for clothes and what looked good and he often helped me to decide which outfit I should wear.

  “Okay,” he said breezily as he ambled into my room. “What are the options?”

  I swept an arm out toward the bed.

  Spooning Cornflakes into his mouth, Toby nodded and surveyed the mess of clothes.

  “Where are you going and with whom?”

  “Cinema, pizza and Charlie.”

  Toby’s eyes lit up as he oohed like a gossipy old lady. “Second date, hey?”

  “First, Saturday doesn’t count.” I tightened my towel around my chest and looked at him expectantly. “So?”

  He studied the clothes, separated some out with one hand while the other held his bowl of cereal and then threw the red jeans and a short cut, white broderie anglaise, Bardot top at me.

  “Those with that cute pair of white bowling shoes you’ve got. Put your hair up in that bow thing you do with it, red lipstick and earrings and you’re good to go.” Toby grinned at me and then did a little bow. “Okay, my work here is done, oh and to say thank you, put a good word in with Polly for me would ya?”

  I resisted the temptation to scream no, after all he had done me a solid by picking out an outfit for me.

  “I’ll mention you, but you do know she’s hung up on Declan.”

  “Yeah, I know,” he replied as he drank the milk straight from the bowl and waved the spoon at me. “But wait until she sees my package in all its twenty feet square glory.”

  “Oh my God, you got it,” I shrieked. “You got the underwear gig?”

  Toby nodded. “Yep, got the call from my agent earlier.”

  I flung my arms around him and squeezed him tightly, avoiding the bowl. “Tobe, that’s unbelievable, well done.”

  “Cheers,” he groaned. “Now put me down and get yourself ready for your date. I have no idea what time he’s picking you up, but according to Hedwig it’s almost ten to seven.”

  “Oh shit. Go, go, go, I need to get ready.”

  I ushered Toby out of the door and let the panic set in.

  * * *

  “Wow,” Charlie said, his eyes going wide. “You look amazing.”

  He leaned forward and kissed my cheek and I took the opportunity to sniff him, he smelled gorgeous. I couldn’t tell you what of, I wasn’t one of those girls who could pick out wafts of lemon and cinnamon, all I knew was that it was bloody lovely.

  “You smell nice,” I said as I held onto his bicep so I could take another long inhale.

  “Thanks. Got to be honest, I have no idea what it is, it’s my brother’s.”

  “I didn’t know you had a brother; you didn’t say.”

  Charlie smiled and shrugged. “I guess it never came up. Johnny, he’s younger.”

  “Oh, okay. What age?”

  “Twenty-one.”

  “I wonder if Toby knows him. Hey, Tobe,” I shouted into the lounge. “Do you know Johnny -?”

  Charlie grinned. “Monroe.”

  “Monroe,” I shouted, with a playful nudge.

  Toby appeared in the doorway his hands now wrapped around a box of chocolates.

  “Nope,” he replied, and offered the box to Charlie. “Not the hazelnut whirls though.”

  “No thanks.” Charlie shook his head. “Nice to see you again.”

  “Yeah, you too, bit of a surprise though.”

  “Toby,” I warned. “Shut up and go back to watching whatever crap it is you’re watching.”

  “It’s last night’s Love Island and it’s not crap.” He leaned back into the lounge. “Is it Dad?”

  I groaned inwardly, half expecting my Dad to come out and embarrass me, thankfully he didn’t.

  “Nope, it’s an extremely interesting social experiment,” he shouted out to us.

  Toby shrugged. “See, if Ivan the Fucking Terrible says it’s good, then it must be. That man has letters after his name. Anyway, the surprise is that you actually wanted to see my sister again. She’s not the easiest of people to get on with.”

  Toby laughed and Charlie looked distinctly uncomfortable. He obviously didn’t know whether to piss me or my brother off with his response.

  “Charlie, it’s fine,” I sighed and guided him with a hand to his elbow toward the front door. “He’s messing with you. I’m one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet and his most favourite sibling.”

  “To be fair,” Toby said as he rifled through the box of chocolates, “you are. The rest of them are a bunch of wankers. You, I just about tolerate.”

  Charlie laughed and then saw my face and tried to hide it with a cough. “We should probably go.”

  “Yeah, take her and don’t bring her back.”

  We turned to see Ruben coming down the stairs rubbing at his stomach.

  “Have you been having a shit all this time?” I asked which earned me a glare.

  “God,” Mum shouted from the top of the stairs. “Ruben Jerome Dixon, what the hell have you been eating? That faeces smells disgusting. You could at least open the window.”

  “You want to take me instead?” Ruben asked Charlie. “This fucking house is hideous. Every fucker in here is fucking hideous and my life is fucking hideous.”

  “Ruben, language,” Mum called down the stairs. “Oh hello, Charlie. How lovely to see you again.”

  Charlie waved a hand and at that moment I wished I was a snail so I could curl into my shell and pretend that the Dixon family didn’t exist.

  “Has Willow offered you a cup of tea?”

  “We’re on our way out,” Charlie replied. “But it was great meeting you again.”

  “Don’t forget you need to be home by eleven.” Dad’s voice boomed from the lounge.

  Charlie’s gaze swivelled to me so fast I thought his head might twist off.

  “He’s joking,” I replied with a long exhale. “Night everyone, it’s been real.”

  “I mean it young lady, eleven.”

  As Charlie and I walked up the hall, Dad’s bellowing laugh could be heard.

  “See,” I said, and pulled at Charlie’s jacket. “He was joking.”

  “Come back for some supper,” Mum called. “I’m making beef sandwiches.”

  Charlie’s step faltered so I pushed him in the back. “Ignore her. She’ll get bored and pick on one of the boys if you do. Bye Mother.”

  “Bye love,
and don’t forget beef sandwiches and Battenberg cake, well not for Ruben anyway, he’s evidently eaten enough today.”

  “Please go,” Ruben muttered. “She’ll keep going while she’s got an audience.”

  I gave him a grin over my shoulder and was surprised to get one in return.

  “Laters, you crazy kids,” Toby called. “And I’ll save you a seat for supper.”

  I rolled my eyes and reached for the door, opened it and pushed Charlie outside. When we got to the bottom of the drive, he turned to me, took my hand in his and smiled.

  “I like your family,” he said. “A lot.”

  “Really?” I looked back to the house and stared at it with my mouth open.

  “Yeah, I really do.”

  “They don’t make you wish you’d never offered to buy me a drink?” I turned back to him and gazed at his handsome face. He had a smile, his straight, white teeth showed with the tip of his tongue poked through.

  “No, not at all.”

  He leaned forward and kissed me, it was a quick kiss on the lips, but it made my stomach flip.

  “Now,” he said. “Let’s get going or we’ll be late for the film.”

  He led me to a silver Golf and beeped the locks before he opened the door for me. He waited until I had my seatbelt on before he closed it and while he walked around the front of the car, I couldn’t help but smile and be thankful that my brother had ignored me in a crappy bar in town.

  Having a quickie is a great way to de-stress, get your blood flowing faster and boost your endorphins, not to mention the fact that it can empower you – in other words, if you’re gagging for it and he puts on the Enya CD, simply jump him and try and get a session in before the first track has even finished.

  * * *

  Charlie

  I looked at Willow from the corner of my eye and had to hold in the laughter. Her face was an absolute picture as she watched the film play out on the big screen in front of us.