“I will never, ever forget you.” he whispered and leaned across to kiss me gently on the lips.
As he went to move away, I grabbed his face and kissed him hard, not wanting to let him go or feel his lips on me for a last time.
“I hate your mother,” I said against his mouth as salty tears dropped to my lips. “And so you know, you’re making the biggest mistake of your life.”
He gave a low laugh and stroked his knuckles down my cheek. “Oh God, I know that, I promise you.” He kissed me again, this time it was a little harder but just as short. “Take care, Will.”
Charlie then pulled back and cleared his throat as he turned his gaze to the road ahead. I reached over to the back seat and grabbed my overnight bag as I thought of the new underwear I’d bought and not used, and as The Bay City Rollers sang Bye Bye Baby, I got out of the car and closed the door quietly behind me as I stood with my back to it until I heard it pull away.
Don’t be afraid to be vocal during sex. Men love nothing more than to hear that their partner is enjoying themselves – you should keep it quiet however, if you’re on the sofa and the kids are watching Peppa Pig.
* * *
Charlie
When I pulled up on the driveway of the house, I felt as though my lungs were far too big for my chest. The tightness was uncomfortable, and I felt like I needed to puke. I’d let the best thing to ever happen to me go. I’d told her we couldn’t be together and yet she was the one who I’d started to need to keep me sane with my fucked-up mother issues.
I dropped my head to the steering wheel and took a deep breath and let it out slowly through my nose. My pulse raced and fought with the anger which built up inside me. If I didn’t get them both under control, I knew as soon as I went inside the house, I’d take it out on Johnny, and this wasn’t his fault. No, the fault all lay at Teresa’s feet. I’d lost the one girl I thought I could build something with because she, my mother, was a waste of space drunk who thought of no one but herself.
My throat felt raw at fighting back the emotion, my head was pounding and all I wanted to do was get into bed and disappear under the covers until my chest didn’t hurt so much, but I needed to see how much damage she’d caused. I needed to check that my brother was okay.
I pulled my bag from the back seat and then locked up the car, before I slowly trailed up to the front door and pushed my key into the lock. As soon as I went inside the clawing smell of smoke hit me and yet Vera had said it had only been a small fire. Even so, I was sure that there was some cleaning up to be done.
When I pushed open the door, I was surprised to see Teresa on her hands and knees cleaning up the mess as Johnny watched over her, his arms crossed firmly over his chest, his mouth turned down into a grimace.
“I should be in the hospital,” Teresa croaked.
“Yeah well they checked you out and said you were fine, so hard luck.”
She gave an affected cough, but Johnny didn’t flinch. I, on the other hand, felt my resentment at her rise another notch.
“Well you really fucked up this time, didn’t you?”
Johnny and Teresa both turned their heads to face me and as soon as his gaze landed on mine, my brother let out an exasperated sigh.
“Who told you?”
“Vera.” I dropped my bag on the floor and took a couple of steps forward to get a better look at the destruction Teresa had caused.
“She had no right,” Johnny groaned. “It’s all fine, so get back in the car and back to the hotel.” He moved his body to look behind me. “Where’s Willow?”
The pain spiked in my chest again as I thought about how I’d left Willow outside her house.
“We’re finished.” I wasn’t sure how I managed to get the words out as my mouth was dry and my tongue felt thicker than usual.
“Fuck off,” Johnny cried. “She didn’t finish with you because you had to come home – which you didn’t have to do, by the way.”
I shook my head and looked down at Teresa who was still on her knees, dull eyes stared at me with nothing behind them, nothing to say and no feelings.
“I ended it, thought it was better for her, considering I can’t be relied upon.”
“Don’t be such a fucking idiot,” Johnny cried as he threw his arms up into the air. “From what I know of her she wouldn’t care that you feel as though you have responsibilities, which you fucking don’t. I’m fine, I told you I’ll get a carer.”
“I’ve told him too,” Teresa said, her eyes still on me. “He treats you like a kid.”
“Oh yeah, ‘cause that would suit you fine, wouldn’t it,” I scoffed. “If I didn’t care about Johnny then I wouldn’t give a shit that you don’t give a shit. That’d let you off the hook wouldn’t it. Leave you free to carry on drinking yourself to death and making a show of yourself in town. Well hard luck, Teresa,” I snapped. “I do fucking care. He’s my brother and I love him, more than I can say for you.”
“I love him,” she said and struggled to her feet.
“I meant it’s more than I can say for the feelings I have for you.”
“Charlie!”
“No Johnny. It’s about time she realised that I have zero feelings about her, and if it wasn’t for the fact that you were in this house at the time, I wouldn’t have been bothered if it had burned to the ground.”
As Teresa stood fully, I took another step closer to her. My heart pounded in time with my head, the emotion I was desperate to hold back brimmed at the precipice and about to overflow to mix with the anger.
“Charlie, you don’t mean that.” Johnny reached a hand up and placed it on my arm which was hanging by my side.
I swallowed hard and shook my head. “I’ve never meant something more in my whole life. I hate you for every time we were hungry as kids, for each moment that we were scared shitless hiding in our bedroom because of some of the pieces of shit you brought back to the house. I hate you for always putting yourself and booze before us and I hate you for what you let happen to my brother. My brother who I should have been there to protect.” My voice broke and the tears I had tried so hard to stem began to slowly crawl down my cheeks. “He’s my little brother and because of you and how you are, I didn’t answer your call but instead he went and -.”
“Charlie, no,” Johnny said, his voice scratchy as he grabbed my wrist. “Enough. This won’t change anything, and you are not to fucking blame.”
“No, she is,” I said, my cry engulfed with a sigh as my shaky finger pointed at Teresa. “She’s to blame for me not being there, but I’m also at fault for not being a better person and going to her.”
My chest heaved as the tears flowed and when Johnny wrapped his arms around my waist, I practically collapsed against him. Both of us sobbed as we let out all the hurt and pain that we’d felt almost from the minute we’d been born to a woman who didn’t deserve to be called a mother.
“I tried to be a good parent,” Teresa said, which caused me to pull abruptly away from Johnny.
I sniffed and shook my head before I let out an empty laugh. “Sorry, I’m sure I heard you say you tried to be a good parent.”
“I did, but you both were so headstrong, little brats, the pair of you. You have no idea what it’s like being a single mother.”
Johnny gave a low growl. “You drove dad away with your drinking, and you were only on your own with Charlie for a year or so, and then you had Grandma to help you, but you fucked that relationship up as well.”
Teresa floundered as she looked between me and Johnny, while her hands rubbed up and down her arms.
“Yeah, exactly.” He looked down at the remnants of her coat on the scorched floor and the armchair where the leather was melted, and he sighed. “You know, this place is the nicest home we’ve ever had and we have it because Charlie and I work hard to make it that way, and because you let your latest hook up push me over a fucking balcony, yet you think you’re entitled to be here because you gave birth to us-.”
&
nbsp; “I didn’t let him,” Teresa cried, her eyes going wide.
Johnny took a deep breath. “He had me pinned against the balcony and threatened to push me over unless you gave him back the money and the watch that you’d stolen from next to his bed.”
My stomach felt like it dropped a hundred miles as I looked at Johnny and then Teresa.
“W-what?” I stammered as I felt bile rise in my throat.
Johnny turned to me with resignation in his eyes. “She’d taken some stuff from him and he wanted it back. Even though he had me pinned against the balcony and he was as high as a fucking kite, she still denied she’d taken it, but,” he said and turned to Teresa, “I knew she had it. I could see it in her eyes. I begged her, fucking begged her to give it back, but she kept denying it. He gave her one last chance, pushing me backwards and holding onto my t-shirt but when she denied it again, he pushed me over.”
My legs almost buckled as the words my brother had said sunk into my brain. She’d stood by and let some psycho hurt one of her kids, all for some cash and a watch. The idea of it was like a punch to the stomach, I had to bend over and rest my hands on my knees as I gulped in air.
“It wasn’t that simple,” Teresa said tentatively. “I-I-.”
“Shut the fuck up and get out,” I screamed, still bent over. “Get your fucking stuff and get out of this house in five minutes or I’ll fucking throw you out and burn your crap.”
I pulled myself up to face her and wondered if there might be some remorse in her eyes but all I could see was fear – fear of how she was going to manage without me or Johnny to sponge from.
“You’ve got five minutes, Teresa,” I warned.
“Johnny?”
“No, Teresa. I’m done with you. You could have killed me last night, and you’ve made our lives hell for years. Enough is enough. Like Charlie said, you have five minutes.”
We both stared her down until eventually she moved past us and nudged me with her shoulder as she did.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered.
Johnny shrugged. “I knew you’d go mad and kick her out and I kind of needed her.”
My chest tingled and my mouth slackened as I stared at him.
“She was my mum, and she may have been a shit one and she may have been partly to blame, but I was scared, Charlie. I was fucking petrified and, like a big kid, I needed my mum.”
I rested a hand on his head and pulled him against my stomach as I wished with everything I had, I could turn back time and take that damn call.
“I’m so sorry bro,” Johnny said as he pulled his head back to look up at me.
I let him go and sat down on the sofa so that we were at eye level.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up her call that night. I’m sorry I didn’t have the bravery to tell a teacher when we were kids, or beg Grandma to take us in. I’m sorry for so fucking much, Johnny.”
“You were a kid too; it wasn’t on you to make sure we were safe.”
I didn’t answer, because I had no words to give him. I knew how I felt about it and it was and would always tear me up inside.
After a few seconds of silence, Johnny grabbed my arm. “You can’t end things with Willow. Don’t let Teresa spoil that for you too.”
I shook my head. “Whether you like it or not, you’re my priority and this with Teresa won’t end here. She won’t give up so easily and I can’t expect Willow to have to go through all that.”
“Why? She’s your girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure is mad about you, so of course she would.”
I let out a sigh. “I know she would, without any complaint, but she deserves more than that. I don’t know, maybe in a couple of months when we know Teresa is definitely out of our lives, maybe then I’ll see if she’d like to meet up again.”
I said the words, but I didn’t believe them. I knew in a couple of months Willow would be with someone else. A woman like her wouldn’t stay single for long. I only hoped whomever she was with made her happy and got to see that smile that lit up the whole fucking world.
Studies show only 30% of women orgasm during intercourse because women really need stimulation to the clitoris. The best touch being one that moves around it. – it’s time to tell your partner to stop pressing it like a doorbell or you’ll never get off.
* * *
Willow
“Come on,” Polly cajoled. “It’ll be fun.”
It was her attempt to get me to go out into town with her and have a few drinks. It was Saturday night after all and a bank holiday weekend, so who knew what fun and japes were to be had.
“No, I’ve told you three times so fuck off.”
“Well, you’re a positive ray of sunshine, aren’t you?” Polly sighed and snatched a magazine up from the floor next to the sofa where I’d been lying for almost a week, when I wasn’t at work of course. As for work, well James was pissed off with me too and by Wednesday had asked Zoe to be his nurse and had pushed me out to do a stock take and a deep clean of some of the equipment – so he was a tosser as well.
“Did you know,” Polly said as she peered over the top of the magazine, “that forty percent of men are turned on by the natural smell of your nether regions? Ugh.” She pulled a face. “I know a girl at work who only showers once a week, can you imagine the natural smell of her nether regions?”
“It’s cod for tea love, are you staying Polly?”
Even I couldn’t stop the laughter that burst through my melancholy as Maureen bustled into the room.
“Excellent timing, Mum,” I said through a laugh.
“Ooh you seem better; it must be Polly having a good influence on you. I’ve told her Polly, lying around here and eating chocolate isn’t going to change anything except her waistline. She needs to get out there and get over him.”
She stooped down to pick up my empty chocolate wrappers and then lifted my legs to remove some empty crisp packets that I was lying on.
“Thanks, Mum,” I groaned. “You’ve just reminded me why I’m so miserable and now my heart hurts again.”
She sighed heavily and hit me across the head with the empty crisp packets. “Stop being so dramatic. I’ve told you, give him a few weeks and when he’s calmed down about everything that happened, I’m sure he’ll call you.”
“Really? What do you think, Pol?”
She tilted her head and put a thumb and finger to her chin as though she was thinking hard. “Well, have I changed my mind from the last thirty times you asked me…hmm, no. I’ve told you exactly the same as your mum, who gives excellent advice by the way, Mrs. Dixon.”
Ugh, she was such a damn creep and she’d already been invited to stay for tea, so it was entirely unnecessary.
“I agree he’ll call soon. He felt he let you down and didn’t want to do it again, which in my opinion is very admirable – stupid but admirable.”
“Exactly,” Mum chimed in. “Now go and get a shower and pick out an outfit because you’re going out with Polly tonight.”
Polly grinned at me. “She does give good advice and you should listen to her.”
“Ugh, fine,” I groaned. “But I am not getting drunk.”
* * *
“I think I might love him, Pol,” I slurred as my best friend looked at me like a mother might look at her child when it’s being a little shit, but she thinks it’s cute.
“I’m sure you do, poppet,” she replied as she went cross-eyed as she looked down at the straw in her glass.
“Do you think he might love me, just a teeny-weeny bit?” I held up my thumb and finger measuring the minutest of distance.
Polly shrugged and carried on slurping.
“What’s that mean?” I copied the shrug and turned down my lips, making it much more of a Gallic gesture than Polly’s.
“It means…” she shrugged again.
“Yes, but what does…” I did my impression of a Frenchman again, “mean?”
“I don’t know.
”
“What, you don’t know what it means, or you don’t know if he might be in love with me?”
Polly shrugged again and despite how drunk I was I’d had enough of her shenanigans.
“Oh, suit yourself.”
We were silent for a few minutes while I tried to think of something to talk about. It wasn’t normally so awkward between us, but I only had Charlie on my mind, so he was all I wanted to talk about, and I had a feeling that Polly was all Charlied out for one night. That thought then made me giggle, as I thought of Polly snorting Charlie. I knew I shouldn’t laugh, it was totally illegal, but we’d tried it once when we were both at college and had hated it. To be fair we had no clue what we were doing, and it had made me sneeze and send snot spraying all over Polly, who then wanted to puke, but coughed which sent it all over both of our tops. When I got home, Mum had asked why I had talcum powder all over me and I almost wet myself with the fear of being caught out. When I tried to feign surprise, she pulled me to her by my top and then stuck her nose against it. I screamed as I thought my mother was going to be high as a kite and pushed her away before I shouted for Dad to call an ambulance. Mum shook her head and called me a stupid idiot, one for taking it and two for actually having spent good money on a baggy of Johnson’s Talc. When I took a quick whiff of my top, she was right. It wasn’t something we ever tried again, in any case I was grounded for three months and had my phone and laptop taken away in the evening as well. It could have been worse, Polly had to work in her grandad’s bakery every weekend for no pay, so for three months everyone thought she had thrush because she stunk of yeast.
“Erm, Willow,” Polly hissed and brought me back from my reverie.
“What?” I asked, as I felt a slight rise of nausea. “Why do you look like you’ve been slapped across the face.”
The Big Ohhh Page 26