The Girl Who Dared to Think 5: The Girl Who Dared to Lead
Page 13
So I ignored my irritation at his callousness and focused instead on his answer to my question. It made sense that the heads of both the Medica and the IT Department would be the pioneers of a mentorship program for the Medica—IT had helped several different departments develop programs over the years. There was nothing wrong with Sage making a request for an interactive teaching program for his workers, and, unless he was working with the legacies, I doubted he would know an AI fragment from a regular program.
But Sage being involved was an intriguing thought. He had voted against me becoming Champion. That could make him a part of this in some way, if it meant he was working with my enemies to try to keep me out. But that didn’t feel right to me, for a number of reasons. First, he had cited my shockers as the explanation for his vote, and from his perspective, I could respect the concern about me potentially having them with the intention of attacking another candidate—even if it wasn’t true. Not to mention, the man was over a hundred years old, and while he still looked surprisingly young for his advanced age, there had been whispers that his mind was not what it once was. While I wasn’t certain about that last part, I found it hard to imagine that he was the man I had been running around the Tower trying to fight in a legacy war. It was a little laughable, if I thought about it. Honestly, it just didn’t seem very likely that he was involved in a criminal conspiracy to take down the Tower, but I couldn’t eliminate him until after I talked to him—something I was going to have to do sooner rather than later, it appeared.
Sadie Monroe, however, was a completely different story. Jasper had been transferred to her terminal. She had to know what he was at this point. But had she known before? Maybe she had discovered the truth after he was at the Medica and transferred him back to figure out what he was, but I didn’t think so. If that was what had happened, she would’ve shared it with the council. Discovering another AI would have been a big deal.
But she hadn’t, which made me think she knew more than she was letting on. She’d taken Jasper—whom she must have known was an AI—without telling anyone. I wondered if messing with one AI fragment could mean messing with another. Because if so… then she had to be involved in what was happening to Scipio.
It would certainly explain why IT had never reported any problems with Scipio to the council. And made it imperative that we find a way to get Jasper away from her. I feared what had become of him already.
“Liana?”
I blinked, and saw the doctor staring at me, his thick brows pulled high and tight on his wrinkled forehead. “Yes?”
“You spaced out there for a second. Are you all right?”
I nodded, and then shook my head, immediately changing my mind. I wanted to leave now, and this was an open way out, calling my name. It just needed to be handled delicately.
“No,” I said. “I’m really not. Look… I want to talk about this, I do, but I’m just not comfortable with it yet. I’ll see about making another appointment next week.”
Dr. Bordeaux frowned at my abrupt about-face. “Are you sure? If you’re not feeling well, then maybe you should stay.”
I shook my head again, emphatically. “I’m sorry, it’s just… the council meeting this morning was very frustrating, and I suddenly feel so drained. I think I’d rather take a nap and see if I can get my head on straight.”
“Take a nap?” he asked, arching an eyebrow. “That is another signal of depression, and one that is a waste of Tower resources. Are you sure I can’t prescribe you something? A stimulant for now, followed by a sedative later, so you can sleep?”
“No,” I replied, irritated by the fact that he didn’t actually seem to be listening to me or hearing my emotional distress. Some doctor you are, I thought, before adding, “I’m not a big fan of medicating people’s emotions away.”
His jaw dropped as I stood up, but I ignored it and sauntered out of the room. I hadn’t learned much. But the fact that Sage had been involved in Jasper’s presence was interesting, and I made a mental note to ask the councilor about it when I saw him.
After all, in his welcome letter he’d offered to give me advice if I needed it. All I had to do was schedule an appointment, which I could do as soon as I got back to my quarters.
12
Leo was waiting for me in the reception hall when I exited the Medica proper. I came to a stop when I saw him standing just to one side, his back to a wall, and he pushed off the wall and came over, his face a careful mask.
“Hey,” I said carefully, raking him with a look. I was surprised to see him after our little tiff this morning—plus I still hadn’t had time to come to terms with everything. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. “How’d you know where to find me?”
“Cornelius told me where you were,” he said simply, and I realized that he could. I’d given everyone unfettered access to my quarters.
I narrowed my eyes at him, wary of why he was here. “Are you here to change my mind about Jang-Mi?” I asked. I didn’t care that I had wanted to apologize just hours earlier. Thinking of Jang-Mi only caused my anger and resentment to return in full force, even though I was actively trying not to have that reaction.
“Look, Jang-Mi can help us,” he snapped, and my anger intensified, my rationality slipping some.
Please don’t do this, I prayed, and I couldn’t tell whether it was directed at myself or Leo. I knew I needed to listen—Jasper’s rescue was critical, and if Leo had a safe way to rescue him, I should hear him out!
“She’s a threat!” I retorted, heedless of my inner wisdom. “She’s crazy, and she’ll kill us all.”
The skin on his face seemed to tighten, but he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, relaxing the muscles strand by strand. “Peace, Liana,” he said. “I don’t want to fight with you about this.”
I stared at him for a second, struggling to gain some semblance of control before this spiraled again, and then noticed that people around us were beginning to stare. My words to Dr. Bordeaux rang in my ears, and I realized that snapping at one of my inferior officers in public was something that would get around.
Besides, this irrational anger toward Jang-Mi had to stop. I knew it did. I kept telling myself it did. Putting her in the mainframe wasn’t the end of the world. Leo was completely capable of taking care of the security measures—he had more than proven himself, time and time again.
Yet every time I opened my mouth to tell him that it was fine, everything would come to a grinding halt, and a surge of rage would rush up and start to fill me. I just couldn’t stand the thought of Jang-Mi having a voice… when my mother now had none.
I backed off a few steps and looked at him. “Okay,” I said slowly. “Then why are you here?”
His expression became downcast, one of deep sorrow and regret. “I came to apologize. I left you alone and undefended after vowing to keep you safe. Liana, I am so sorry. I should never have lost my temper.”
I softened instantly, and for a moment or two, I wasn’t sure what to say. It touched me that he cared enough to apologize for leaving me, even though it was my fault he’d gotten angry in the first place. I knew I was being unreasonable about Jang-Mi and insensitive toward Leo. And I needed to tell him that. I needed to tell him what was going on with me.
But… maybe not while standing in the middle of the reception hall of the Medica. “Take a walk with me?” I said, raising an eyebrow toward him in question.
He gave me a surprised look, and then nodded hesitantly. “Of course. I’m your bodyguard, after all.”
A surprised chuckle escaped me, and I found myself smiling at the self-deprecating tone in his voice. “Leo, you had every right to be angry with me,” I said softly, starting to walk. I sucked in a deep breath and prepared to eat a little crow. “I know I’m being unreasonable where she’s concerned. It’s just… every time I think of Jang-Mi, I get this… uncontrollable rage toward her. I know it’s not her fault, but she… she shot that beam at my mother! She didn’t fight it, didn�
�t resist! She just followed orders!”
I finished my rant with more force than I intended, and immediately looked over at Leo to see him watching me, sorrow lining his face. “I am so very sorry for what you lost, Liana,” he said hoarsely. “I know what it’s like to have someone taken away from you, and not be able to stop it.”
I thought of Lionel, and how Ezekial Pine, the founder of the Knights—and the founder of one of the first legacy groups to try to take Scipio down—had suffocated the old man with a plastic bag, and for the first time since Leo had told me that story, I was able to reach out and touch him, resting my hand on his forearm. “Oh God, Leo. I never realized, but you must’ve felt awful. How did you cope?”
He gave a bitter chuckle and looked out over the bridge we were now crossing. “Not well,” he admitted hoarsely. “I was all alone, remember? For almost three hundred years.”
My heart swelled, and I found myself stepping closer to him, wrapped up in the hurt in his face. I hated seeing it there. “Maybe you should talk about it,” I suggested lightly.
The look he gave me was bone dry and full of irony. “Those words sound oh so familiar,” he said teasingly. “Do you still have the expression about a pot calling a kettle black, or will I need to explain that idiom to you?”
Another surprised laugh escaped me. “That was surprisingly rude, coming from you. What’s gotten into you?”
Leo smiled and then shook his head, his pace slowing down and forcing me to slow as well. “I’m not really sure. I just found it pretty ironic that you want me to share when you yourself have not been doing so.” He came to a stop, and I mirrored his movements so that we were face-to-face. “Although I guess I can’t use that any longer, considering you did just kind of open up about her, in talking about Jang-Mi.”
There was an idleness in his tone that I didn’t like—that made me want to get defensive. “Talking about Jang-Mi isn’t the same as talking about my mother.” At least, I hoped it wasn’t. Because I still wasn’t ready to open up about her death. I was afraid of what might happen if I did.
Leo gave me a doubtful look. “If you say so,” he said after a moment. “All I know is that when Lionel died, I felt scared and alone. I was mad at him for being so trusting, and had a deep-seated rage toward Ezekial. I used to imagine what it would be like to kill him, over and over again. Long after he died, I’m sure, but I couldn’t stop dreaming about it.”
I smiled, remembering Leo cutting through the statue of Ezekial Pine on the mock Champion’s Bridge the designers had constructed for the Tourney. “Guess that’s why you looked so happy cutting that statue down.”
“He didn’t deserve to be there,” Leo spat, his eyes blazing. “Not there, not across from Lionel like that! He didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as him, let alone stand there for all eternity, like they were equals!”
“Calm down,” I said soothingly. He shut his mouth for a heartbeat, clearly upset by the line of thought, and I felt another burst of empathy for him resonate deep inside. “Honestly, it looked a little cathartic,” I told him. I fidgeted. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want that sort of catharsis of my own. But Jang-Mi’s all I have, and, as irrational as it is, I just can’t seem to get past it.”
I looked down, slightly embarrassed, but he reached out and caught my chin, refusing to let me. “I’m going to do everything I can to help you find the bastard who did that to your mother,” he vowed solemnly. “You’re going to get the vengeance you deserve. I promise you that.”
The air in my lungs turned gelatinous, and I found it difficult to breathe with him staring down at me like that. I couldn’t believe that he was unbothered by my new thirst for blood. If anything, he seemed ready to embrace it, feed it, whereas I was still trying to determine whether unmitigated and blind revenge was a path I was even ready to walk.
But it was unimportant next to the way he was making me feel—like I was the center of everything for him, like he would tear the world apart to make me happy, or to spare me pain. An impulse seized me, and this time I couldn’t resist. I stepped close to him and slid my arms around his waist, hugging him.
“That is probably one of the weirdest, yet sweetest things anyone has ever said to me,” I murmured. “Thank you.”
Leo was stiff for a second, and then carefully extracted me from the embrace without returning it. “You don’t have to do that,” he said as he did so, not quite meeting my eyes.
I took a step back, confused. “What did I do?”
He glanced at me for a second and then sighed. “Nothing. I just…” He hesitated and shook his head. “It’s nothing.”
“No,” I said, blocking his path when he made to move away. “It’s not nothing. I’m sorry if hugging you made you uncomfortable.”
“Liana, it’s not that. If anything, I want you to hug me. If I’m perfectly honest, I want you to do a lot more than that.” He paused, a blush forming on his cheeks. “But I understand that you can’t look at me without seeing Grey. It’s not fair that I even put any of this on you, it’s just…” He met my gaze again, and this time his eyes were sparkling with something that both scared and excited me. “I look at you, and I get this… strange, twisty sensation in my stomach, and I feel like at any moment I’m either going to fall down face first in front of you and make myself look like an absolute idiot, or I’m going to do something that makes you smile—and that smile is going to make me soar. I have no experience with any of this, and it’s very frustrating and terrifying, and I just… I get so confused around you.”
I stared at him for a long second, but found no reproach in his voice. He wasn’t upset at me; he was upset at himself for feeling attracted to me, and confused by the sensations themselves.
And why wouldn’t he be? Leo had never had a physical form before. He didn’t understand fear as I knew it, as more of a sensation than a quantifiable data stream, or whatever made up his programming. Being introduced to a body was teaching him how humans experienced emotions—which was not easy to process, even for a human.
I would know, after all. I wasn’t exactly doing my fair share of healthy processing these days.
But the way he talked about how I made him feel… I had to admit it made me feel very flattered. Leo was an amazing individual. He was kind, caring, and smart. Even after being alone for three hundred years, he had remained open to the world. He was doing everything he could to embrace and fight for it. He was amazing, in more ways than one.
Suddenly I realized how close we were standing. How there were just inches separating us. I looked up at him, and saw him studying my face with that same hooded hunger that he had just been complaining about. His eyes dropped to my mouth, and I could practically feel the heat from the kiss we had shared after Ambrose died. He didn’t remember it, but I did, and it had been incredible.
Before I had realized that it was him and not Grey I was kissing.
But then again… it hadn’t exactly been Leo, either. I bit my lip, recalling the earnest look in his eyes and the words he had said when we talked about it later.
Is it wrong that I’m sorrier that I don’t remember it?
Leo cleared his throat and ducked his head, breaking my train of thought, and I was disappointed when he took a half step back, self-consciously rubbing his hand up the back of his neck. “Look, I know it’s awkward to talk about these feelings like this, but I can’t really talk to anyone else about it. It feels… wrong.”
“Why?” I asked, genuinely curious. But I had a suspicion—and blurted it out a second later. “Is it because of Grey?”
“In a way, yes. I suppose it’s just because they’re my feelings for you. You are the only one who should know about them, for that reason alone. But also…” His eyes turned darker, a hint of fear in them. “What if these feelings aren’t really mine?” he asked, and I suddenly understood the darkness inside of him.
“You think they might be remnants of Grey’s feelings for me?” I asked.
I exhaled. On the one hand, it would be much easier if it was Grey at the root of Leo’s feelings toward me. Not only for him, but for me as well, as selfish as that sounded.
But I couldn’t deny that there were moments between Leo and me… Moments when I didn’t see Grey, just Leo. And as much as I would have loved to write it off as my attraction to Grey in spite of Leo being in his body, I knew it wasn’t that simple.
Feelings never were.
I looked around and realized that we were standing in the middle of the bridge, talking about something that required way more privacy than we currently had.
“C’mon,” I said lightly, catching his eye. “Let’s go take that walk, and we’ll… we’ll talk about it, okay? See if we can’t figure out what’s going on with you.”
He stared at me, as if he didn’t know what to make of my offer. Then he smiled. “I’d like that,” he said with a nod.
“So would I,” I replied. And it wasn’t a lie.
13
“So how did the implantation session go?” Leo asked idly as we stepped onto an elevator. I wasn’t sure where we were heading, as Leo had picked the floor and I hadn’t been paying attention, but I guessed it didn’t matter as long as it was private. “Can you now communicate nonverbally, as I can?”
I cocked my head at him. “Yes. How do you do that, by the way?” It was a safe enough question, I supposed. We’d both agreed to the conversation about Leo’s emotional state regarding me, but it wasn’t exactly something we could dive right into, either. He needed to set the pace and tone. I was just here to listen.
And to remain impartial, I reminded myself firmly. I couldn’t allow myself to see things that weren’t there, no matter how much I wanted to. A part of me sort of hoped Grey was at the heart of Leo’s feelings toward me, but that didn’t mean I could overanalyze every little thing Leo said, looking for Grey. I had to sit back and listen, and not judge unless he did something utterly Grey-like.