Once Upon a Spy (Humorous Cozy Mystery)

by Nic Saint

She had a hard time staying vertical, navigating the gravel parking lot with her high heels, but supported by a chivalrous Frank, she managed without toppling over.

  Once inside, she was surprised at how cheerful and bright the place was. People were everywhere, and they all seemed to be in the best spirits.

  “Let’s get a lane, shall we?”

  Since she had no idea what he was talking about, she decided to go for the diplomatic approach. She hooked her arm in Frank’s, and purred, “Sounds like a barrel of fun, Frankie.”

  The agent perked up, and licked his lips. It was Izzy’s cue. She took a firm grip on Frank’s back hairs, yanked him close, and placed her lips over his, sucking hard. Frank’s eyes went wide for a moment, then rolled up in his head, and after wriggling for a bit, his body went limp against hers, and she proceeded to put some tongue into play.

  Five minutes later, the smoocher had done its work, and she released the hapless victim with the contented feeling she’d given it her all. Frank, it was obvious, had aced the test. She patted her unresponsive date on the arm, and said coyly, “Let’s shoot some guns, Frankie.”

  It took Frank a moment to get his bearings, but once he had, a silly grin appeared on his face, and all throughout the proceedings, it remained firmly stuck in place.

  Taking charge of the logistics, he quickly outfitted his date with a pair of goggles and ear muffs, and handed her one big-ass gun. She gingerly held it, afraid to push a button lest the thing would blow off her toe. He led the way to a long corridor where plenty of folks stood aiming their guns through some type of windows. They all looked really serious, and all donned the same funky outfit. Her nostrils were assaulted by the smell of something burning, and the reverberations of the explosions assaulted her ears in spite of the muffs.

  It all reminded her of that time her daddy had taken her to the fair, and had encouraged her to shoot at some moving thingies, promising her a plush animal if she managed to hit them. Misinterpreting his instructions, she’d proceeded to drill an innocent plush koala bear with five pellets before daddy had taken away the rifle, and taken her on a ride on the merry-go-round instead.

  There was no merry-go-round around this time, but she started to understand the general principle of the thing.

  “Frank! Honey!” she hollered, then poked him in the rear to get his attention. She probably shouldn’t have done that, for he jumped a foot in the air, and almost fired a round.

  He pulled the muff a little bit from his ear. “What is it, Izzy?”

  “What do I get if I hit the target?”

  His smile widened. “You get a big smooch from me.” Then he realized he was being extremely forward, and he stammered, “I mean, only if you want to, of course.”

  She patted his arm. “That’s all right, Frankie. I want to.”

  He beamed at that, and directed her to one of the windows. She now saw there was no glass in the window, and it looked out on some kind of big room. All the way to the back, she could see some kind of target, and she recognized the scene from the movies. Oh! Of course! She needed to shoot the target!

  Happy as a clam for finally getting the point of the exercise, she raised the big-ass gun, pointed it in the general direction of the target, squinted one eye shut, and squeezed the trigger. Nothing happened. She squeezed it again. Nope. The gun wouldn’t fire.

  Next to her, Frank had already been blasting away, and she still had to fire the first shot. Suddenly, a hand descended on her shoulder. “Eeeek!” she cried. Whirling around, she found herself gazing into the smiling face of Yvonne!

  Both women lifted their muffs. “What are you doing here!” Izzy yelled.

  “I’m on a date with Matt, remember!”

  “No way! This is my surprise date!”

  Yvonne gestured at the targets. “How are you doing?”

  “My gun won’t fire. I think it’s broken.”

  Yvonne directed an inquisitive look at the object, and pointed to a small toggle on the side. “You have to turn off the safety first. I didn’t know either, but Matt told me. He was kinda surprised, but I explained I’d never used this type of gun before.”

  “And? Did he buy it?”

  “I hope so. I don’t want to upset him with the truth, you know. He seems so happy to be dating Miss Super Spy.”

  “Same thing here. Frank thinks I’m the greatest thing since Lara Croft. Whoever she is.”

  “I think she was a topless dancer who was also a spy.”

  Izzy grinned. “Great. At least now I know what he expects from me.”

  She returned to her window, and this time when she pulled the trigger on the gun, the thing bucked in her hand and the sound of the explosion was even louder than she’d anticipated. Exhilarated, she fired a couple more rounds, and when finally she was all out of ammo, she was so excited, she eagerly agreed when Frank offered to replenish her gun. Or, rather, to reload it, as he put it. And she’d just fired a second clip into the back wall, when an explosion, even louder than the ones before, rocked the gun range, and sent her flying back, knocking her against the opposing wall.

  Dazed, she stared at the gun she was still clasping in her hand. Whatever bullets Frank had used to top up her gun this time, he’d clearly overdone it.

  It was only when Frank, Yvonne and Matt came rushing to her side, and hauled her to her feet and started dragging her away, that she realized something else was going on. Something quite terrible indeed. And they’d only cleared the building and staggered into the parking lot, when an even bigger explosion shook the earth, and blew the entire gun range to smithereens.

  Dang, thought Izzy. That’s what you get from playing with fire. But at least this time it wasn’t her fault.

  Chapter 33

  There was the distinct taste of blood in her mouth and a ringing sound in her ears, and when Yvonne looked up, she saw startled and horrified faces everywhere. Matt and Frank had already darted back inside the demolished structure, looking for survivors of the terrible blast. Next to her, Izzy looked equally dazed and stunned.

  “Are you all right?”

  Izzy merely nodded, her eyes fixed on the building they’d just escaped from. “What happened?”

  Yvonne shook her head. “I think it was one of those missiles again. Matt seems to think whoever did this, was also responsible for the other attacks.”

  “Brian Wright.”

  “Must be. No one else would want to cause us any harm.”

  “But why? Why is he doing this?”

  “Probably to cover his tracks. By eliminating us, he would have removed four members of ASS in one fell swoop.”

  “The man is deranged.”

  Yvonne grimaced. “I think that’s a given.”

  Just then, she heard a car engine turn over, and looking over her shoulder, saw that a Lincoln town car stood with idling engine at the other end of the lot. Narrowing her gaze, she thought she recognized its driver. “Izzy? You have twenty/twenty vision, right? Can you tell from this distance who’s sitting behind the wheel of that car over there?”

  Izzy craned her neck to see. Then her eyes went wide with recognition. “It’s Brian! Yvonne! It’s really him!”

  Yvonne felt her resolve galvanize at this piece of information. “He probably came to watch his handiwork. See if we’d make it out alive or not.” She slowly rose to her feet, and dusted herself off. Next to her, Izzy also crawled into an upright position.

  “We need to tell Matt and Frank. They have to send a team.”

  Yvonne darted a look back at the gun range, and while she did so, the town car’s engine revved. “I don’t think we have time for that, Iz. We need to catch him ourselves.”

  “But how? All the other cars are destroyed.”

  Izzy was right. The gun range patrons had all parked their cars close to the demolished structure, and the vehicles had suffered from the blast. The ones that hadn’t been destroyed, had bits and pieces of debris stuck through their windshields.

  Me
anwhile, Brian’s car had reached the entrance to the parking lot, and was slowly riding off into the night.

  “He’s getting away, V.”

  Then Yvonne’s eye was drawn to an unusual vehicle, parked a little ways away. It was a garbage truck. Now she remembered she’d seen a couple of ex-colleagues seated at the bar. They’d probably worked a late shift, and dropped by for a drink before heading back to the depot.

  “Iz? How do you feel about getting back in the saddle?” She pointed to the impressive vehicle, gleaming mean and huge in the parking lot floodlights.

  Izzy’s face lit up. “Goody!”

  Half a minute later, they were both seated inside the cabin, and when Izzy flipped down the visor, she caught the keys with a flick of her wrist. “Good old garbagemen. They never think anyone’s gonna steal their truck.”

  Yvonne peered through the windshield. She thought she could still see Brian’s car, its taillights glowing dimly in the distance. Next moment, the truck roared to life, and when Izzy punched down on the accelerator, the monstrosity lurched into motion.

  “Let’s catch the bastard,” Izzy growled, and punched it.

  They hadn’t gone long before the car came back into view. At first, Brian must not have realized he was being followed by two furious ex-garbagewomen, but when Izzy came roaring up behind him like a bat out of hell, flashing her headlights and tooting her horn, he finally caught on and his car picked up speed.

  “Um. You probably shouldn’t have done that, Iz. Now he knows we’re after him, he’ll easily outrun us.”

  Izzy scoffed. “Fat chance. Do you have any idea how fast this baby can go? No? I do.” Grim-faced, she shoved down on the gas, and the truck rumbled into higher gear.

  It sounded to Yvonne like the thing might explode at any moment, the powerful engine whining and the cabin trembling under the onslaught of the high rate of speed. But she was just as adamant as Izzy to catch the guy responsible for all of ASS’s trouble, so she gritted her teeth, and held onto her seat.

  They’d come to the end of the entrance drive to the gun range, and Brian now swerved his car onto the road. Yvonne recognized it. It wouldn’t be long before they’d arrive at an on-ramp. And even though she highly respected Izzy’s opinion when it came to garbage trucks, she was pretty sure they’d never be able to keep up with Brian once he hit the freeway.

  “We have to catch him, Iz.”

  “Don’t I know it. Trust me. This turkey isn’t going anywhere.”

  She eased the truck up to Brian’s rear fender and gave it a loving shove. The car in front of them swerved and lurched violently upon impact, but Brian managed to get it under control again, and create some distance by speeding up.

  “That was great, Iz! Do it again!”

  “Don’t worry. I will,” growled Izzy. Yvonne gave her a sideways look. Her friend’s sweet-tempered, mild-mannered and slightly clueless persona seemed all but wiped away. In its stead now sat a queen of vengeance, her blue eyes shooting fire, and her lip curled up like a rabid dog.

  The truck shook and trembled, and the engine roared as if it was about to spontaneously self-combust. Never before had a garbage truck been pushed to the max like this, and never before had it been for a better cause.

  Izzy quickly closed the distance between their quarry again, inching closer, and when finally they were upon the town car, she nudged it like a giant tickling a mouse. The car swerved out of control, but then miraculously righted itself. A hand popped out of the driver’s window, and to her consternation, Yvonne saw that it was holding a gun.

  Brian randomly started pumping out bullets, peppering the truck. The windshield was shattered , and both Izzy and Yvonne ducked for cover. In a reflex action, Izzy shoved her foot down on the brake, and the truck screeched to a halt. The engine stalled and died, and when the two women dared raise their heads again, they saw that Brian had halted his car not thirty yards in front of them. Their former colleague quickly exited his vehicle, and, popping a new clip into his gun, he approached them, his mouth set.

  “He looks like the Terminator,” whispered Izzy.

  “I think that’s the point, Iz. He wants to terminate us! Once and for all!”

  Chapter 34

  “Um. Don’t you think we should, you know—flee?”

  “Too late.”

  Brian was standing next to her, aiming his well-proportioned gun at her head, so she quickly raised her hands. “Don’t shoot. Please?”

  Brian’s lips curled up into a smile. “Wouldn’t you know. It’s the garbagewomen. Don’t you have something better to do right now? Like picking up the trash?” He laughed loudly at his own joke.

  “What does it look like we’re doing?” murmured Izzy.

  “Hey. Less lip, all right, little lady?” He shook his head. “I should never have brought you into ASS. I should have known you’d cause more trouble than I could handle.”

  This was news to Yvonne. “You brought us into ASS?”

  “No, you didn’t,” Izzy piped up. She still had that revenge angel fire burning in her eyes. “Matt hired us. He saw our potential.”

  This seemed to crack Brian up. “Potential! You don’t have a clue, do you? I falsified your records so Matt would think you were some grade-A super agents.”

  “But why would you do that?”

  “Yeah,” echoed Yvonne. “Why would you do that?”

  “Cause I knew you’d wreck the place faster than I ever could.” He waved his gun to emphasize his point. “You two are the dumbest, most clueless agents I’ve ever seen. The way you managed to turn every single operation into a disaster is a work of beauty!”

  Yvonne felt her blood boil. She knew that they weren’t the world’s smartest agents, but she simply refused to listen to this man’s abuse for one second longer. With a quick movement, she unlocked her door, then shoved it open with her foot. The heavy door hit the traitorous agent in the face, and he was propelled ten feet back by the sheer force of the blow, his gun skittering away.

  Yvonne and Izzy quickly descended from the vehicle, and jogged over to where the stricken agent lay. They stared down at the man.

  “He looks dead. Is he head?”

  Yvonne stirred him with her foot. No response. Then she placed her finger on the man’s throat, like she’d seen in the movies. No pulse. “He’s dead.”

  “Serves him right. After all that smack he was talking about us?”

  Suddenly, Brian groaned, and both women jumped a foot in the air.

  “He’s not dead!” screeched Izzy.

  “I guess not.” Weird. She’d felt no pulse before. Perhaps she’d put her finger too much to the left or right? She knelt down and jabbed her index finger against Brian’s throat again, this time making sure she covered a good acreage of skin. She looked up at Izzy and shook her head. “I don’t feel anything, Iz. Maybe you try?”

  Izzy knelt down beside her, and pushed her finger down on the left side of the man’s throat. She scrunched up her face in a puzzled expression. “No. I don’t feel anything either.”

  They both jerked up when Brian moaned again, and moved his head.

  “Well, it’s obvious he’s not dead.”

  “Oh!” Izzy speared her eyes wide. “Maybe he’s a vampire! You know. Undead? That would explain everything!”

  Yvonne rubbed her thumb and index finger together. The touch of Brian’s skin had been… weird. Almost as if…

  Frowning, she knelt down again, and felt the man’s throat. “Don’t you think his skin feels weird?”

  Izzy also reached in and padded the man’s face with her fingers. “Yeah. It feels… rubbery.”

  Yvonne pinched her fingers together, took a slab of skin between them and pulled. The skin came off easily, and she squealed a surprised yelp, falling back on her buttocks.

  Izzy shook her head. “You don’t think…”

  “Try it. Just pinch him.”

  Izzy closed her eyes, her face contorted in disgust, and gingerly let
her fingers take a piece of skin and pull it. It came loose under her touch, and she pulled it a little harder still, then let go. It snapped back into place like a rubber band.

  “Oh, just do it already,” growled Yvonne, and used both hands to lift Brian’s skin and pull it over his head. The whole thing came off under her hands, and when next they stared down at the man’s face, they were both surprised to see it was a different face altogether. Yvonne stared from the mask in her hands to the real man as revealed to them…

  “Aaron!” cried Izzy.

  “Chinn!” echoed Yvonne.

  “Aaaargh!” yelped Aaron, suddenly awakened from the dead. He stared at the two women, then noticed the mask Yvonne was holding, and for a moment, no one stirred. Then, with a loud growl, Aaron sprang to his feet, and made a run for his car.

  “Oh, no, you don’t!” Yvonne was on the man from EYE in milliseconds, and even before he could reach his car, she’d grabbed hold of the scruff of his neck, then dunked him against his own car. The sound of his head hitting the top of the car was hollow, and when she jerked him back up, Aaron sported a large bruise on his head, and seemed to have lost the will to fight. He reminded Yvonne of one of her chickens, and remembering how this man was responsible for the death of her beloved Bessy and Betty made her angry all over again.

  “Why?” she cried, giving him a shake that rattled his bones. “Why did you kill my chickens?”

  “Hold him still, V. The man’s trying to speak.”

  With all the shaking, the words had come out all garbled, so Yvonne slammed the man down on the hood of his car.

  “Ouch!”

  “I think we should arrest him, V. You know? I think I saw some twine back in the truck. Lemme just…”

  Yvonne stared down at the beat-up agent, shaking her head in dismay. “So you’re Aaron posing as Brian. Why? Why the masquerade?”

  The man didn’t respond, but simply stared up at her. Then he smiled. “You think you got me, but you don’t, Agent Assenheimer.”

  “Oh?” She folded her hands across her chest. “From where I’m standing, it looks like I got you licked, buddy.”