The American Princess - Best Love Story Ever
Page 33
"Better than nothing, I suppose."
"So there it was, stretched out in front of me. Such a dinky thing. You know those cocktail wieners?" Betty-Jo laughed. "Someone must have whittled it down before I got to it."
"I love it. A genitally challenged Richard Whittle."
"Anyway, I couldn't cut it."
"You are pathetic."
"I know."
"So what did you do?"
"I cut my finger."
"Your finger?"
"My finger."
"Tar me. I don't believe this!"
"I couldn't believe it either. I dripped my blood all over his weenie, and then I smeared some on the knife. I was about to leave, when I had a flicker of inspiration."
The Fox grinned. "Let me guess. You decided to kill yourself, and really botch your revenge."
Betty-Jo grinned back. "I remembered that I had a paper clip in my purse—not the clip kind, the binder clamp kind. You know, those big black ones with the silver handles."
The Fox laughed gleefully, and hugged Betty-Jo. "You didn't?"
"Did."
"There may be hope for you after all."
"I was so nervous my hand was shaking, but I managed to clamp it onto the end of his weenie. Then I shoved his thing back into his undies, did up his fly, put the knife on his lap, and left in my Stang, which I'd parked around the corner earlier."
"You know, B-J, I almost feel sorry for Dungie. When he comes to, feels an excruciating pain, and then sees the knife and the blood, he's going to be certain that every man's worst nightmare is his reality."
* * *
Three months after their Dung Beatle caper, the Fox came bouncing up to Betty-Jo and exclaimed, "BFF, you'll never guess who solved my coming problem for me!"
"My first guess would have to be Dungie."
"B-J, you are one sick puppy! And your answer is wrong, wrong, wrong! The correct answer is your friend Jim Bob, the guy that you suggested I give a tryout to."
"Jimbo!"
"Yep, Jim Bob made me come. And come often! God bless him! And better yet, we're going to get married—and live happily ever after—when his season with the Carolina Panthers ends."
Tears welled up in Betty-Jo's eyes, and she hugged her best-friend-forever, as hard as she could. Then she grinned. "Aren't you just a wee bit concerned, that with only one guy playing in your amusement park, you'll become bored?"
"Not if the one guy is Jim Bob, and I know for certain that he'll never become bored as long as I'm in my park with him."
"Maybe I should have him on some of your days. After all, I saw him first!"
The Fox laughed. "You're a funny gal, B-J Chance," she said.
* * *
Sandra Manderville became Betty-Jo's second close friend. "I can't believe," Sandy told her, "that there was a time when I fantasized about having you kidnapped, and sold to some Sultan who wanted to augment his harem."
"It's fortunate for the Sultan that you didn't act on your whim," Betty-Jo replied. "I'm terrible when it comes to sharing my man."
* * *
When Betty-Jo survived Venus' well-choreographed attack, the love goddess went on a bender. My plan to have Felicity Ready slay The American Princess was pure genius, she thought. Sure, it would have been easier to give that job to the Dung Beetle, but how much more fitting to have Raiden's birth mother kill his wife.
Venus staggered over to a cat napping Old Hairball, and tried to kick him into the piranha pool. Unfortunately, she missed, slipped, and tumbled into the pool herself. Her ravenous pets showed no mercy. Led by Big Vicious they started a feeding frenzy.
"Shit!" cried the love goddess, as sobering up fast she scrambled out of the pool. Those of her razor-toothed pets who still clung to her, died violently, impaled by her stiletto heels or lacerated by her fingernails.
* * *
Zeus was beyond compassion when he discovered that Brad had arrived on Olympus some sixty years before he was due. "The gods all know that they have to let the earth mortals foul up for themselves," he hollered. "Only that damned witch, Goritch, continues to scorn my decree."
His problem was that Venus held a trump card. His love life was turbulent enough as it was without adding a vengeful goddess of love to the mix. And he needed Venus because he still had designs on Psyche. Granted, Psyche had spurned all of his advances, but he remained captivated by her. Begrudgingly, he even admired her fidelity to Cupid.
If 'women, one and all, are a set of vultures', then Goritch is the vulture queen, Zeus thought. "Goddamn you, Goritch!" he yelled. Then, "Now what am I saying? I am god!"
As was to be expected, he chickened out when the time came to ship Venus off to Hades. But he made a few changes. First, he hauled in Mercury, and stripped him of his wings. Then he summoned Venus. She took her sweet time coming. She's probably having mechanical problems with her broom, he thought.
He was seething when she finally appeared before him. "You get Raiden back to earth!" he shouted. "And I don't care how you do it!"
"I'm not sure I can," she replied. "He'll need a new body. His old one has a hole in it."
"Don't you shit me! To give you an incentive to get the job done, Hera is now the acting goddess of love and beauty. The title's hers until your mission's accomplished."
"You know Hera can't do my job!"
"And if anything happens to Princess Betty-Jo, I'll hold you personally responsible."
"That's not fair, Zeus."
"Fuck fair! Damn it, Venus! Will you never stop interfering?"
"I've tried, but I can't. Playing god with the mortals is too much fun."
Zeus' jaw jutted forward. "Well understand this; foul up again, and you'll be cast from Olympus quicker than a Hadesian starship is sucked through a wormhole. Most of the time I think you, and that idiot son of yours, do more harm than good anyway. If we have to go for a millennium without love on Olympus, so be it."
"Try to be realistic for a moment, Zeus. You know you'd be miserable without your strumpets."
"Maybe so. But god only knows what you'll be like if you have to forfeit the All-Universe title to Princess Betty-Jo because you're on a sabbatical in Hades."
"I know I'm going to regret telling you this, but The American Princess won't be attending the All-Universe."
"You witch! Don't you understand? You can never get away with the stunts you pull on earth. Which reminds me, I also want you to make damn sure that Betty-Jo gets her mother and father back! You'd be well advised to remember, that if the eyes of Zeus didn't see all, and the mind of Zeus didn't comprehend all, I wouldn't be almighty Zeus. I'd be a plain garden-variety deity like the rest of you."
* * *
Venus laughed to herself, and gave her nails a crimson touch-up. I don't believe a word of Zeus' bullshit, she thought, but for the time being, it might be healthier for me if I humor him by shipping Raiden back to earth.
* * *
On August 1, 1999—right on schedule—the King of Terror arrived in Mongolia, just outside of Ulaanbaatar. The first thing he did was dig up Genghis, and help himself to a DNA sample.
* * *
"Mark, you're a punctual little guy, just like your father," Betty-Jo said. It was nine months after her wedding, and Mark had just been born. "But it would have been a laugh, if Brad and I had hurried you along to save the free world, and you'd turned out to be a girl." I shouldn't say that, she reprimanded herself. If you'd been a girl, I'd have named you Pleasure, and there's no reason why a woman couldn't save the world, for a change."
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Many thanks,
Jen
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