by S. R. Watson
I feel myself dozing back off to sleep, when there is a steady knock at the door.
“Why is this door locked?” I hear Xander question from the other side. “Diesel, open the door, man. Ivy’s here for you.” The bus must have stopped at some point during our nap. I cringe at the thought of her being here to see him. She’s bringing reality to our fucking door—literally! Diesel sits up startled at the intrusion.
“Ivy is out there for you,” I whisper. I’m afraid that any more words than that will get stuck in my throat. I attempt to get out of the way so that he can go to her, but he pulls me back down and kisses my forehead.
“Stay here,” he insists. I’m not going to hide in here if that’s what he’s thinking.
Before I can object, he puts a finger to my lips to shush me. “Please. Okay?”
He gets up and opens the door and I can see Ivy and Xander standing on the other side. He walks out and closes the door behind him. I hadn’t agreed to stay put, but when I hear arguing coming from outside the door, I decide not to move. Diesel is arguing with Xander. “I’m not fucking her, man,” I hear Diesel growl. He tells him that I’m not feeling well and that I already feel bad enough about last night so there’s no need to keep chastising me like a child.
“Don’t get any ideas about my sister. Sorry, Ivy. But you fucked this girl last night and then you’re locked in a room with my sister today?” Xander’s tone has come down an octave, but is still stern. “Excuse me if I come off a bit protective, but wouldn’t you.”
“Look. I care about Lourdes. She needs someone too. When shit went down last night, you were quick to grab Lily, but you left your sister hanging. I was the one there for her when she needed someone. And I’m the one here for her today when she needs a friend. I don’t see any one else taking on that role at the moment. You?” There is complete fucking silence. I have no idea what’s happening now. “Okay. Then don’t give me any hypocritical bullshit. If there’s nothing else, I’m going back in the room. Ivy, we’ll talk later. Please, in the future, call first.” I can faintly make out Ivy responding, but I can’t make out what she’s saying.
Diesel comes back into the room and locks the door.
“Everything okay?” I don’t want to come between him and my brother.
“It’ll be fine. Let’s see what we can find to watch on this damn TV,” he says grabbing the remote. “I’ll cook us up something to eat in a little bit, unless you’re hungry now. You didn’t eat your pancakes at the diner.”
“No. I’m good for now. I did eat the eggs and fruit before you came in. My stomach is still a little queasy from the alcohol so I’m not ready for anything heavy,” I assure.
“Cool.” He flips through the channels until he finds my favorite show, Elementary. He then pulls me to him like before, only this time, we’re not going to sleep. We’re…cuddling. This is probably a terrible idea. As a matter of fact, I’m sure of it. For now I’m going to enjoy it, though. He chose me over Ivy this time. He chose our bubble.
Lourdes watches one of her favorite shows, Elementary. She was a little more than excited to see that it was airing the new season. I think my brother watches this too. I’ve seen it recorded on our DVR back at the lake house. She is asleep now, snuggled underneath me. I flip through the channels as I feel myself getting drowsy. I need to get up and cook us something. I need to make her eat. To my surprise the door swings open and it catches me off guard. I thought I fucking locked that door. It’s Xander, but I don’t bother to move. The scene before him is what it is. He walks in and pauses when he sees his sister in my arms.
“You care about her don’t you?” he starts.
“Of course I do, Xander.” He has no idea the extent of it.
“Look, I apologize for my earlier accusations. Truth is, I wasn’t there and you were. I’m honestly just glad she had someone when she needed it the most,” Xander reassures me.
“Where’s Ivy?” I know the bus hasn’t stopped again since our last conversation.
“She’s watching Keyser and Gable battle each other in dominos,” he informs me.
“Any other members from Reckless Ambition here?”
He shakes his head. “Just her.” I know I need to talk with Ivy. I’m not sure if there will be a round two. This is why I wanted to abandon the three fuck rule on the road. I don’t want to give her false hope.
“I understand. If it were my sister, I would be just as protective.” I ease my arm out from under her and leave the room. As soon as I enter the living area, Ivy is on her feet.
“Finally,” she huffs. “What the hell?”
“Don’t,” I caution her. “Lourdes is my friend. I’m not trying to be a douche, but why are you here?” I’m not going to curb my concern to pacify her. Yeah, we fucked, but it was a mutual want. I’m not her boyfriend and I don’t owe her any explanations.
“I wanted to see you. I don’t make it a habit of just fucking someone and then not speaking with him.” There is an uncomfortable pause in the room. The guys don’t know how to react.
“Just stop, Ivy.” I wanted her to come out and acknowledge that she wanted to see me, although it was uninvited, but she is making me regret giving a shit. On cue the bedroom door creaks open. Lourdes peeks out so I go to her.
“What do you want to eat?” She needs to eat something. “We have tuna salad already made.” I don’t know what else is in there, or what everybody else ate tonight, but I remember we have the tuna salad I made earlier.
“That sounds nice,” she says softly.
“Well, go find something else for us to watch, and I’ll bring some to you.” She nods and closes the door again.
“Fuck you, Diesel. You fuck me, yet you pamper her. I’m getting off of this fucking bus right now. Consider my legs officially closed to you.” She marches toward the front of the bus, I’m guessing to request that they let her off.
“Do you and Lourdes have a thing, Diesel?” Lily asks timidly. I know my actions toward Lourdes are confusing. Hell, it doesn’t make sense to me either.
“I’m just being there for a friend, Lil,” I assure. “We’re just friends.”
“Okay,” she replies sounding unconvinced. I make some toast, pour orange juice, and plate some tuna salad before bringing our spread to the room. Lourdes has another episode of Elementary on pause.
“Is this show okay?”
“Yeah. We can watch anything you want.” I’m fucking up and I know it. There is no doubt we both see this room as the place to indulge in what we’re feeling. In this room we don’t have to think about the reality of our actions. I set the tray down with the spread I created and she smiles from ear to ear. I climb into bed and pull her between my legs.
“What are we doing, Diesel?” she asks while putting the tray in her lap.
“Ignoring the world out there,” I say, pointing toward the door.
“I kind of like that idea,” she says spreading tuna on toast. She passes it to me. I take a bite, but then I feed her the second bite. Yeah, were slipping further and further into dangerous territory. I repeat over and over to myself that I can’t give her all of me. On the other hand, if this is all we can have, I’ll gladly take it. We eat all the food I prepared and vegetate through at least three, hour-long episodes of her show, before she dozes off again. I power off the TV and snuggle in close until I fall asleep with her.
Tonight we will perform our second show. I’m in the living area writing music. Lourdes is in her bunk working on her account of our journey thus far. We both realized that we couldn’t hide in our bubble forever. We were beginning to cast suspicion on ourselves, not that I give a shit at all.
Ivy is giving me the cold shoulder and I’m okay with that. I didn’t know how to proceed with that anyway. It just all seemed wrong after the fact. The lyrics flow seamlessly and I can’t get them on paper faster enough. Shit that I’ve previously internalized, comes full circle. I leave every last ounce of my troubling thoughts in the bars of the
music. I’m in a zone when my phone goes off. I would ignore it, but it’s Issues’ Blue Wall playing. That’s Sevyn’s ringtone. Our relationship has been strained, for obvious reasons, so we haven’t spoken much since he told me our father was dying. Maybe that is why he’s calling.
“Yeah,” I say when I answer.
“Hello, brother,” he says hesitantly. “Do you have a minute?”
“What’s up?” I just want him to get to the point. “Is our father dead or not?”
“Not yet. I’m calling because he is going away to London next week. He says it’s just for one last visit while his health will allow, but I’m not buying it. Morgan Investments is located there. I think he may be trying to partner with them before making the announcement about his health to the shareholders and board members in a couple weeks.” That’s not good. If he brings someone else in, that can weaken Sevyn’s controlling votes. We need him to have the majority vote. Another member can side with the shareholders, giving them the overall majority. That would ruin everything.
“Shit. How do we block that?”
“I have an idea, but you may not like it. I need to see you.” I can hear the desperation in his voice. I need him to keep it together. We’ve worked too hard on this to let it fall apart now.
“Look. We’re on the way to Santa Clara. Can you get a flight and meet us there?” The guys know I have a twin now so he can join us while we work through this mess. We need a solid plan. I’ll hear out his idea, but we need to be in agreement. This affects us both.
“I can do that. I can get a flight out this evening actually,” he agrees.
“Okay. We’re playing at Levi’s Stadium tonight, but I’ll give your info to our driver. It will either be Gus or Stewart. They can make sure you have a ride from the airport. Wish you could come see us perform.” We can’t afford for him to accidentally be seen at the concert. Not before we pull off our plan.
“Me too. Soon, brother.” I give him the info he needs before hanging up. I need to tell Lourdes so she isn’t blindsided for a second time. She is typing away on her Mac on her bunk when I find her.
“Hey,” she says looking up at me. She gives me a little smile.
“Sevyn is coming here,” I rush out. I watch the smile disappear. We haven’t even discussed the reason he was at the lake house. We just kind of buried it and now we’re reopening those wounds.
“Why?” she questions. “I mean whatever. I don’t care.” She closes her computer and rummages frantically through the bag next to her. I reach over and still her trembling hands.
“Lourdes, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you about my brother, but I will. I never wanted to hurt you. When Sevyn gets here, we’ll sit down and discuss the reason we’re carbon copies of one another. The reason he can’t be seen with me. I didn’t want you to be blindsided again so I wanted to be the first to tell you he’s coming here.”
“Okay.” I let her hands go and she pulls earphones out of her bag. I need to give her some space. She won’t even look at me now. She connects the earphones to her phone and cranks up the volume. I can hear Mochica’s Scared coming from the tiny speakers. She turns to lie on her back and closes her eyes. I guess that’s my indication that this conversation is over. Sevyn and I haven’t shared our full story with anyone, not even my guys. Tonight I will tell Lourdes. She deserves that much. It’s the most sincere apology that I can give. My redemption.
Sex in Numbers gave another fucking epic performance tonight. I’m so proud of them and so excited that I get to witness their journey firsthand. We’re heading back to the bus now and I’m nervous because I know Sevyn should be there by now. I bonded with him too, before I knew who he was. I know of one day that it was him and not Diesel and that’s the day before the big blow up. I do appreciate Diesel’s effort to make this right. I just don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to feel.
The guys enter the bus first, and I immediately hear the boisterous greetings between them. Lily and I are close on their heels. She does a double take when she sees the two brothers side by side. Xander filled her in that Diesel had a twin who was joining us on the bus for a few days, but that is the most any of them know.
My heart drops at the sight of them. The flashback of the last time I saw them together is too real. I can tell which is Diesel because he’s wearing his Sex in Numbers rock tee. Other than that, it’s fucking crazy how identical they are. Same haircut. Same tattoos. Same hot as fuck body. Same everything.
“Okay. This is a little cray,” Lily says interrupting their hoorah.
“Diesel, I’ve never seen twins this identical. I only know who is who from your clothes. That is so damn freaky.” The uneasiness between the two brothers is palpable. The question is why?
“Yet, we couldn’t be more different,” Sevyn promises with a half-smile.
“Yeah. He’s the sensitive one,” Diesel agrees.
“And he got all the jackass genes,” Sevyn retorts.
“Hey, don’t be mad because I’m hotter.” Diesel gives him shit, but the banter between the two is harmless.
“Keep telling yourself that bro,” Sevyn says, lightly shoving his brother. “Anyway, I hope you all are hungry. I killed the time by cooking a little something.” It was then I smelled something heavenly. How in the hell did I miss the mouthwatering aroma coming from the kitchen?
“Something does smell pretty fucking amazing. What is it?” Keyser asks already on the way to the kitchen to investigate.
“I made my famous bistro burgers.” Sevyn beams and Diesel groans.
“What’s that?” Lily asks with widened eyes.
“The devil,” Diesel answers for him. “He knows that fucking burger is my weakness. It’s my goddamn favorite.”
“Miss you too, brother,” Sevyn says, blowing him a kiss. The similarity of their voices is kind of weird but I can note subtle differences now that I had a chance to hear more than just a few words from him. We’re all in the kitchen now and I can see what Diesel is talking about. These burgers look absolutely sinful.
“What’s in them?” Gable asks grabbing one to put on a plate.
“It’s a bison beer burger with fried egg, bacon, and avocado on a poppy seed bun,” Sevyn shares.
“Crack,” Diesel says around a mouth full of burger.
“I thought it was the devil,” Xander says grabbing a burger from and Lily.
“Okay. Devil crack,” Diesel corrects while taking another big ass bite. They all laugh at him.
“This is so good, man. You’re our guest and you’re cooking? Can’t say I’m sorry though. Where did you get the ingredients to make this? We didn’t have this stuff here,” Xander quips.
“Hell no. That’s because Diesel tries to make us eat that healthy shit he eats,” Keyser swears. Diesel just nods and continues to demolish his burger. I hurry and grab one after I see some of the guys are already going back for seconds.
“Yup. That’s my brother. He’s always been that way too. He can’t resist my burgers though, as you can see,” Sevyn admits. Diesel flips him off and goes in for another burger. “No. Your driver, Gus, was happy to stop by the store after picking me up from the airport. I knew these were Diesel’s favorite and I wanted to surprise him. I also knew he would be cursing me for sabotaging the diet he’s always on.”
“You two do have the same level of fitness, though,” Lily points out. She’s being politically correct for Xander’s sake. Fuck a level of fitness. They’re both ripped and sexy as hell. Not too big and definitely not small. They have the right amount of mass and thickness. I always said I would have never pictured Diesel as a rock star. He looks more like a model. I have to look away before I’m caught drooling.
“Don’t let him fool you,” Diesel speaks up. “Staying in shape comes more naturally to him. He eats healthy too, but his body is more forgiving when he doesn’t. I have to be more careful since I can’t get to a gym regularly on this tour. I have to settle for the weights I have
in the bedroom.” They start to talk about work out regimens and I take my burger to the living area. To my surprise, Lily follows me.
“That Sevyn guy is kind of hot, right?” she asks looking over her shoulder.
“He’s okay,” I say nonchalantly. I’m not stupid. She’s been trying to piece together what’s going on between Diesel and me. Admitting that Sevyn is hot is the same as admitting what I think about his twin.
“Girl, you are blind as shit. I have a man, but I still have eyes.” She fans herself, and I laugh. I look over at the guys—the twins specifically—and Diesel is staring at me. I don’t know how we’re supposed to have this talk that he promised.
We stay up until almost two in the morning before I call it a night. That only leaves Keyser, Diesel, and Sevyn still up. A quick shower and fifteen minutes later, I’m crawling into my bunk. Tonight wasn’t so bad. I didn’t know how’d I feel seeing Sevyn again. Funny how time has a way of healing things. Perspective changes and considerations can be given when you’re not in a murderous haze of anger. This is the closure I needed. They haven’t even sat down with me yet to explain what the hell was going on back then, but I know now that, whatever it was, it wasn’t out of malice. Because of that, I’m really ready to put it all behind me.
I decide to text Brooke before I go to sleep. I haven’t been in touch with her as much as I intended, but then again, neither has she. It’s a testament to how I’m holding up better than either of us could have anticipated. I let her know that I’m doing fine and that Diesel and I are on the mend. I also share that Sevyn just joined us and how much I wish she was here. I know she won’t see this text until morning, but I couldn’t go to bed without letting her know that I was okay. I set my alarm for seven so, hopefully, I can get up and get some writing done before everyone wakes up and starts moving around. I write best when it’s quiet. I need to keep an everyday account of the band’s journey. So far they’ve been on their best behavior.