22 Things a Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know

by Rudy Simone

  6

  Break on through to the other side

  A person on the autism spectrum has been described for years as “being in their own world,” and even high-functioning individuals have a hard time “connecting” with others. It’s as if we have an invisible shield around us, and this is what I call the glass wall phenomenon. It is similar to the “glass ceiling” that women and minorities encounter in their careers, that prevents them rising in the ranks. Affirmative action has been adopted to make this situation more fair, so they can at last get those jobs they are qualified for. Unfortunately, the glass wall around Aspies (male or female) is harder to spot, because for them, it isn’t a question of rising, it’s a question of staying—in their job, relationship, a room full of people. It’s also harder to mandate—how do you protect with laws a social issue that also happens to affect a person’s happiness, career, and everything else?

  It’s impossible to say whether the glass wall is an acquired defense, built up slowly by the Aspie, since we never get adept enough at reading subtext, expression, nonverbal communication, and facial recognition to feel completely comfortable with others, or whether it is a natural part of ASC. I just know it exists for most of us. I talk about it at conferences and see hundreds of heads nodding in recognition. It probably doesn’t affect your relationship much, because you are in a privileged position—you see through it. You might have never even noticed it was there. Whether she is holding your hand or opening her heart and home to you, there is something about you that has allowed her to feel comfortable doing so. You are special.

  Understand that outside of your relationship/family, the glass wall is probably very much intact and affecting most interactions that she has. It’s tiring, and yes, it’s a little sad. My partner once remarked after meeting two of his friends for cocktails, “It’s so interesting to see the way people react to you. I could say the same words as you, but you get raised eyebrows, while I’d get understanding.” So few people in my life have remarked upon the glass wall, the way I am sometimes judged or reacted to, that it really did my heart good to hear it. Ignoring what is unpleasant is not going to be helpful. Your Aspergirl needs someone who can honestly observe her challenges, talk about them, understand them, and, if possible, assist in making things better.

  You probably know what I’m talking about… Maybe she works in an office and eats lunch at a table alone, or sits outside under a tree. Everyone hangs by the water cooler making chitchat while she just passes by, uninvolved in the conversation. On Friday, the whole gang goes out for margaritas and she doesn’t get invited. Or she is never included in playground conversations with other mothers. You know, she doesn’t get to play reindeer games. I don’t mean to be melodramatic; it is a fact of life for many of us on the spectrum. To look at your girl you see no ostensible difference or reason, yet the glass wall phenomenon prevents a real connection with others en masse. I’m not saying she can’t and won’t connect with you, and with others she loves, in a very authentic, deep way, but when it comes to groups of peers, she won’t.

  It is tempting to blame this all on others and say that they are not being inclusive, and perhaps they aren’t. But even if your Aspergirl is invited by the crowd, she might decline an invitation, stating, “I wouldn’t like it,” or go and eventually find herself in the corner alone. I think this is why so many of us love performing. It is a way for us to connect with, and be liked, if not loved by, the crowd. Not something that happens in social situations for us.

  Now, what do you and she do about it? She may seem quite content in her glass bubble. Do you accept it? To a degree, but more importantly I think you have to challenge it. A fellow passenger on a plane said to me, after a bit of a stressful situation in which I left my wallet at a security gate and had to hold up the flight while I ran back to get it, “I knew there was something wrong with you, I just couldn’t figure out what it was.” She was not being unkind, I had gone into pre-meltdown panic mode. I explained to her I had AS. She was glad to have the reason behind the behavior and we had a nice flight together afterward. Whether you and she use disclosure or not, the more she practices socializing, the greater the odds that she will meet others that, like you, see her through that glass wall, or won’t even notice it. With more acceptance, she will find more confidence; the glass might even come down completely at times, like a window letting in fresh air. We’ll talk about that more in the next chapter on friendships.

  I want to add that as an exception to this, I’m hearing from younger spectrum people who are in supportive programs, families, or schools, who don’t feel isolated or left out at all. Let’s hope that lasts beyond such environments!

  Partner’s words

  “I was completely attracted to her childlike innocence. But not everyone gets that about her. I’ve tried to explain to her, to ‘keep it simple’ when meeting new people, not to give too much away, nor expect too much. They can’t read her, but she can’t read them either. Those things take time. I have to remind her of that, as she is sensitive and she does get hurt.”

  7

  It might seem like her special interest is herself

  For someone who doesn’t like to be bombarded with talk, your Aspergirl may pelt you with tidbits about her day from the moment you walk in the door until she runs out of breath 15 minutes later. It may seem to the untrained eye, that this is one self-centered chick. That’s not what it is, well not entirely. This is what’s known in Asperger’s as monologuing, and since you are her partner, you might get the honors of being a one man (or woman) audience. This verbal “minute waltz” happens because she may have been alone and quiet all day, with thoughts racing and racing through her mind without her even realizing it. When you walk in, these percolating thoughts come flying out of her and at you like knives from a carnival performer’s hand.

  The wrong reaction to this is to scream at her that she’s self-centered. She will be utterly hurt, feel completely misunderstood and she’ll curl up into a protective ball like a threatened hedgehog. But if you don’t want to get pinned to the wall, let her get some stuff off of her chest, then gently tell her at some point, I’d like to speak now, if I may. My partner knows that this ritual is necessary, that I have to clear my head of my own thoughts. But I have learned that it comprises two halves—first me, then him. If I don’t follow up with “So honey, how was your day?” I’m not being fair.

  Your female Aspie needs to let you talk about things that are important to you and to try and take nominal interest in them. My partner is in the wine business, and although I’d much rather drink wine than hear about it, sometimes I just have to listen. I have my limits though, and when I say “I don’t really want to hear about that right now,” he knows that I actually mean that I can’t. I’m either overloaded, or on my own train of thought and he’s throwing debris onto my track.

  True conversation is difficult for us, but we can learn that the proper format is not “Enough about me, what do you think of me?” but “Enough about me, what about you?” Still, it’s never easy. I get asked all the time how I can get up in front of hundreds of people and speak. Are you kidding me? I’m monologuing, I have a huge captive audience and I’m getting paid for it. It’s like I’ve died and gone to heaven. But the best part is, and this is important, I’m imparting information to people. Your girl, even when she seems to have her own special interest at heart, is usually looking to impart information with the aim of somehow improving a situation or helping other people.

  When she does this monologuing, people might get the mistaken impression that she is socially adept and good at chitchat. That is part of the magical illusion of Asperger’s. I met a couple in the park yesterday and they mentioned New Zealand, which I know quite well, and I launched into a ten-minute travel guide. Then they mentioned they were looking to move to San Francisco but didn’t know which neighborhood, so I became a real-estate adviser. They were very pleased with my input and I could tell that they would never gue
ss in a bazillion years that I had Asperger’s, but I know, even if they don’t, that should I meet them again, in a social situation, they would be very disappointed in my “standoffish” manner, quiet demeanor, and wandering eyeballs. They’d probably think I’m just stuck up, instead of at a loss for what to say or do. Or worse—I’d pull my goofy nervous laugh, which absolutely convinces people that somehow I must not be the Rudy Simone that writes books, but some slightly daffy impostor.

  Actual conversation won’t really engage her unless it is something she’s interested in, but when she is, look out! Someone might mention her favorite band, film, artist, and off she goes, her tongue sprinting like a racehorse out of the gate. In social situations you can help her, by having a preassigned cue, for when to let others speak. My partner will put a gentle squeeze on my forearm or leg, which works much better than a stiff kick in the shins under the table. She in turn, has to trust that you have her best interests at heart and aren’t just being overly cautious or concerned that she’s embarrassing you.

  Partner’s words

  “I think she comes across as selfish sometimes. Aspies are only selfish because of self-preservation and purely for survival purposes, not for self-serving reasons. It’s much deeper, as opposed to shallow, which is what us NTs have come to understand as selfish. We have to get out of that mindset and come to a point of truly accepting this as a pure reality without our own insecurities getting in the way.”

  8

  She only needs one friend…and the winner is, you!

  As I mentioned in the previous chapter, your Aspergirl probably won’t have a lot of friends and might not understand why you need so many. If you are NT, you may have a million friends: from high school, college, your old neighborhood, your sports buddies, your old band days, the time you lived in Boston for a year, and so on. Aspies tend to have one good friend at a time and don’t understand how NTs manage to have so many and have a life. I mean, when do you get to pursue your own interests? Even if she’s got a thousand online friends, and an AS group she goes to every Saturday, works, goes to class, chances are, in her real-world leisure time, she is a lone wolf. You’ll never come home to find her giggling with a gaggle of cosmo-swilling girls watching Sex and the City. If she doesn’t have you (or another family member) to do things with, chances are she’ll go alone or stay home. Why on earth would she want to go to the movies with people? They talk through the good parts and never really seem to get into it the way she does! Why would she want to go shopping with other girls? She’d have to concentrate so hard on what they were talking about that the mission—buying clothes—would be obscured in the haze. She hates smalltalk and often that’s what casual friendships consist of. “What restaurants do you go to? What bars do you like? Where do you work?” Who cares?

  Eleanor Roosevelt is credited with the saying “Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, and great minds discuss ideas.” While at times we all fall into each of those categories, it does seem to the AS person that NTs do the former quite a bit more than we are comfortable with. Smalltalk, or talk beyond our special interests, can literally sound like white noise to the Aspie. Because she is female, you may have assumptions that she will want to talk shopping, but really she’d rather talk shop. It is all about the exchange of information for her, whether she is an obvious info-geek or not. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t have friends that she cares about, that she loves. But she isn’t going to call them up and say “Let’s hang out.” Perhaps when she is younger, but as she gets older, the difficulty of dealing with overload, plus loss of the built-in “friend income” of school, university, etc., might mean she’ll become more and more used to flying solo.

  First of all, explain to her that smalltalk and social scripts are good “gate openers” and can lead to deeper things. They also can take the burden off of deciding what to say. She should know this as a grown woman, right? Not necessarily. Part of the role of the NT in this relationship is to be the social buffer and translator. If you think that is unfair, understand that there will be things she is good at (like math or getting rid of a computer virus), that you are not, and this is what couples do for one another. Lesbian couples will have less of a problem with this, but it is just a little outside the expected “norm” that the man should be the socially adept one, the one with the higher emotional IQ. Chances are, though, an NT man with an AS woman will be.

  Though her stamina for work and other things might be exceptional, she won’t have the capacity to go out as often or for as long as an NT woman. This leaves you, the partner, in the position of sometimes going out alone, or staying home. Most AS women will be more than alright with your going to parties and seeing friends without her—in reasonable amounts. That amount will vary from couple to couple. If you are often home, she’s probably going to be quite happy to have a break from you. That will give her some precious alone time. If, however, you work outside the house at one or more jobs, and have things like the gym and many friends, that is a completely different situation. You’ll have to talk about it honestly, as she might not want (or be able) to say “No,” but then will resent you if you do leave her too much.

  Some AS women say that when they are away from their partner, they lose that “sense of connection” that is a crucial part of our obsessions. When we take an interest in something, we like to have it around. While it is easy to say “that’s just insecurity,” we all have insecurities. Explain to her that it is quite alright for you to have separate social lives, different friends, and your own activities to pursue, that it does not detract from your feelings for her. Know that she may have been very lonely prior to your relationship. People on the spectrum who are without partners tend to be ALONE, and she may have an aversion to spending time alone because she’s been there, done that. Hopefully, you will have similar needs here, as this can become a point of contention otherwise. Every couple will be different and you will have to discuss it. I can tell you that she won’t like you springing “I’m going out tonight” at the last minute. Plan ahead. Negotiate. Schedule time for yourself if you need it. But if it’s Friday evening and you say “I’m going out with my mates, tonight,” you might want to follow up with “And tomorrow, I’m taking you to _________.” A positive side of all this is that she will be loyal and (apart from her alone time) she will be there for you—flitting here and there with a multitude of different groups of friends isn’t a problem you’ll have to contend with.

  I think it is also important, healthy, for most couples to do some fun things together, not just in isolation but with others. Especially if this relationship is new, you will no doubt want your old friends to meet your girl and get along with her. Tips: Before you introduce your girl to your friends, you’d best prepare her for them. Explain to her what they are like, who is quiet, who’s sarcastic, who will talk her ear off, etc. But I think it might also be wise to prepare your friends for her, especially if she is more obviously affected. This does not necessarily require full disclosure, but perhaps covering what is crucial. You can say things like “She’s really brilliant but not good at small talk,” or “She is a good listener but has a really hard time with two conversations going on at once,” or “She’s very blunt, but she’s completely honest, not a game player at all.” This will predispose them to see these things in a positive light when they come up.

  If you do disclose, offer them examples of famous or successful people on the spectrum that they can relate to. Suggest films or documentaries that they can watch, that they’d find entertaining as well as informative. My partner tells everyone (I can’t stop him) to watch Temple Grandin (the movie). If your friends don’t “get” her, you may have to see them on your own. That’s okay. If you are both Aspies, this won’t need to apply. If you have friends, they must love you for who you are, or they’d soon disappear.

  When you are out, never overestimate her capacity for socializing. If she says she needs to go, she needs to go. Other people stimulat
e the amygdala in her brain, triggering adrenalin and so she has a fight, flight, or freeze response to all social contact. This can morph into “performance mode,” so if she says she can party all night, take that with a grain of salt, and quit while you, and she, are ahead. The more adept she might seem, the more exhausted she’ll be afterward. Do watch out for her. Social overload can happen quickly. The feeling she gets is closely related to sensory overload, but with the added exhaustion of adrenalin burnout. On the way home, for God’s sake, do not pick on her in the car, blast music she hates, start an argument, or tease her. After the party, after the commotion, that is when she needs to decompress.

  If you really feel that she spends too much time alone, try to get her out and into the community, or encourage her to find others she connects with. It may be that she goes to a class, and learns to dance, but never makes any friends, but there’s always that possibility that she will. The more you try, the more likely it will be to happen. Thank heavens for online social networks, which give her a chance to express herself in writing, without the confusing parts—eye contact, reciprocal conversation. Your girl may slowly build up real friendships through this medium, which seems tailor-made for Aspies.

  Partner’s words

  “I need my friends, and she has to understand that my friends are as important to me as her solitude is to her. We thrive on opposite things, but one is not more valid than the other.”

  Her words

  “I love it when I get to be home alone.”