by Rudy Simone
Partner’s words
“Because I expect her to mean what she says, I do get blindsided when she doesn’t know what she’s feeling so therefore cannot tell me. Working on communication together, is an ongoing process, she has to learn to identify her feelings and work on not saying ‘Yes’ when she means ‘No.’ It’s been getting better, slowly but surely. Working on these issues has brought us closer together than I’ve ever felt with anyone else.”
17
Depression—the enemy on our borders
Nobody gets down like an Aspie. Your Aspergirl may have phases where she lies on the couch for days, exhausted, wallowing in junk food, pajamas, sad thoughts, and tragic films. This is not just “downtime” which should itself take no more than a day. If, three days later, she’s still as motivated as a sloth, we’re talking depression.
There are various causes, but I believe that depression is usually linked to a loss or a feeling of powerlessness. Think about it: money, love, career, social failures, even death of a loved one—are all examples of how we feel powerless to have the thing we need to be happy. A broken love affair, a bad exam grade, being treated rudely by peers, these things can all contribute. Everyone deals with these things. Neurotypicals seem to be able to put setbacks into perspective better than we can, or handle more of them. But we have a much harder time, hence the need for downtime every time we throw ourselves into the world. But if too many things go wrong, or if we simply become overloaded and exhausted, it morphs into depression right before your very eyes, and before you know it, you open your bedroom door to find a pair of red eyes peering out at you from under a blanket in a darkened room. It is so hard to face people when you feel like this. Aspies who go to work in offices every day should get purple hearts for bravery, or lifetime achievement awards from the Academy, for they are the best actors in the world.
I do believe that exercise, nutrition/good health and LOVE have a lot to do with our capacity for joy. So how can you, the partner, help the situation? Well, if you are going to shunt her off to a doctor, try a nutritionist who specializes in autism spectrum conditions first. If you are thinking about a therapist, a CBT or person-centered counselor (cognitive behavioral and talk therapy, respectively) would be a safer first stop than a psychiatrist with a ready prescription pen. She may be on meds, and they may be quite helpful. But I am not a big believer in using meds to correct brain chemistry, until the day someone can tell me exactly what all of those brain chemicals are and exactly what measurements of each are needed to be happy. (I’m not saying never take meds, I’m just saying use them wisely. Even so-called benign meds like Prozac have had a litany of sometimes serious side effects. See the resources section for a link to a watchdog site that shows prescription drugs and side effects.)
Do the two of you have a physically healthy relationship? If it consists of mostly TV watching and eating, I’d say maybe not. Ever go hiking together, skating, rock climbing, anything physically fun and interesting? If not, make the change. Get outdoors together.
Are you in love and getting along? Whether or not you are part of the problem, please don’t take an “Oh, she’s just depressed” attitude. Those who take the lazy or apathetic approach can regret it later if depression becomes chronic, or turns to suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Self-harm, such as cutting and bulimia, can be a person’s way of venting their hurt and pain in a sort of simulated suicide. Particularly something that leaves marks and scars—talk about a cry for help!
Never ignore depression. If your Aspergirl is depressed but is truly coping in a constructive way (for example, she’s seeing a counselor, working out, and eating well) and says, “I’m working it out, leave me alone so I can do so,” then it’s probably alright to. But in so many relationships men in particular don’t feel that it’s their job to attend to someone else’s emotional well-being. Rubbish, I say. We are all human beings who should express love and care for our loved ones. You should never become a punching bag or dumping ground for another, but we are all caretakers to some extent to our significant other, whether it’s administering band-aids, cups of tea, an ear, some advice, or something even more extreme. If you want to see an exemplary proactive male, watch the documentary movie The Horse Boy about a father who takes his autistic child to Mongolia to see the horses… and a shaman. You’ll be amazed at the story, particularly the ending. If he’d left the nurturing to his wife, she would not have come up with the same plan as he. A plan that literally worked miracles.
In a rage meltdown, she’ll probably say too much; in depression mode, not enough. She may even have selective mutism while down. Selective mutism, which I mentioned in Chapter 16, is the temporary inability to speak. This is more than just being quiet, it is more like a seizure, and it physically hurts when this happens, especially when we are younger. Imagine having a golf ball stuck in your throat—pleasant, huh? Now at the same time, play a recording of self-loathing statements. You get the picture. This is the hell that is selective mutism. Nothing cures it but time alone or with a nonjudgmental friend.
Sometimes the depression is so all-consuming we practically become catatonic. I confess I recently went through one of these horrific phases, to my surprise because it had been happening less and less. A triple whammy of legal, financial, and personal problems all converged, each one a heavy burden in itself, but together more than I could bear. I barely spoke a word for an entire week, and it hurt all over. When this happens, I feel ashamed, I don’t want to be seen, and will go days eating junk food and leaving my house as little as possible. If I didn’t have dogs that count on me, if I didn’t have other people with Asperger’s looking up to me, I might not have had the strength to get up. If I didn’t have a partner who looked at his role in it and made an honest effort to improve our relationship, I might still be there. It is the love we have for others, as well as their love for us, that is the sweetest motivator.
If meltdowns are happening frequently, look for the cause. Sometimes it takes a little detective work to figure it out. Did she take too much sleep aid? Whether it’s melatonin or clonazepam, too much can cause her body and spirits to drag the next day. Did you have a fight? Was it her fault? Was it yours? Chances are it was both of you, so do your part and apologize. (And don’t say, “You first.”) Make amends. New relationships are difficult for us. I had a lot more depression when I first moved in with my partner—new home, new surroundings, new routine, new dog, new friends, new restaurants, having to find things you both like to watch/do/listen to. Perhaps she is adjusting. Has something changed lately? Are either of you drinking more? Spending too much or not enough time with each other? New baby?
That aside, is she satisfied with her life: family, house, appearance, relationship, career, self-expression? Those items might need tackling. The modern search for Happiness through material possessions has landed us firmly in ennui. Sometimes doing good works for other people is a fantastic way to shake off doldrums. Perhaps the two of you could turn your attentions to helping others, either on the spectrum or some other population. I recently took part in a charity gig, raising money for orphans. I provided the entertainment. It was so much fun and so rewarding to focus on helping others.
One thing is for certain. Chronic depression can wreak havoc on a body and a family. She needs help, maybe in the form of therapy. Taking care of food and other physical/emotional needs until she is up and about again should speed the process. Criticism will only make it last and last. “You’re such a baby. You have kids to take care of. What kind of woman wallows all day in tears watching kids’ movies? What’s wrong with you? If you don’t snap out of it I’m going to my mom’s. I’ll be at the pub.” All not good things to say. Any of it sound familiar? If so, change your tactics and your mindset.
Depression is the shadow side of Asperger’s and a sister to anxiety, an enemy on our borders, and we have to stay vigilant against it. It is why so many of us were misdiagnosed as borderline, or manic depressive. It is one of thos
e things that needs multiple remedies and strategies, always on hand, to repel it. On a positive note, it can inform creativity once it has dissipated, and can also create a more compassionate person. No one truly understands suffering unless they have suffered.
Partner’s words
“When depression rears its ugly head, try to remember what your partner’s triggers are and keep them away—whether it be a loud TV/talking, harsh odors (cooking or cologne, etc.). Know what her soothing mechanisms are and have them on hand: chamomile tea, low lights, heavy blankets, etc. Try not to argue, no matter how wrong she is or uncomfortable she makes you feel. You can write thoughts and questions down and address them later, as soon as the storm subsides, when she is receptive again. For in depression, or meltdown, she will not hear you. When the time is right, try to figure out the cause of the episode.”
“I hold her tightly from behind, for as many minutes as necessary. It seems to make her feel better.”
18
The mood swings…do more than duck
If you have been with your girl for a while, you may have witnessed a thing called a meltdown. Meltdown is what happens when a spectrum person is overloaded, and at the end of her tether, all the tension and upset comes bursting out of her like an F-class tornado. And like tornadoes, this can range between a gale force and downright destructive. Meltdowns are similar to what a wailing child in a store is going through, but while that is merely awkward for parents and uncomfortabe for other shoppers, an autistic woman having a rage meltdown is an embarrassment to herself, is difficult for others to understand (what kind of grown woman acts that way?), and can even land herself in trouble. In my house, in the past, plates have been dashed and there was no Big Fat Greek Wedding going on at the time—rather it was a Big Fat Geek Venting. And while we can romanticize that we resemble Elizabeth Taylor in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, there’s nothing romantic about it. Her logical age may be more mature (book smarts), but emotionally she may lag behind her chronological age.
No one should ever be someone else’s punching bag, and while she probably has never gone at you, she may have smashed a vase or two in her life during one of these infamous autistic storms. Fear not, for the brain is a flexible organ, ever learning, ever growing, and even old Aspies learn new tricks. It is a combination of self-discipline and learning to value the things she and you own, as well as valuing your relationship. Since most meltdowns happen over sensory and social overload issues, by now you will have learned many techniques for avoiding meltdown, and spotting the signs of possible imminent threat. And of course, not all Aspies do have rage meltdowns. Some of us are quite calm most of the time.
Other than sensory and social overload, there may have been another trigger, a fight perhaps, over something relatively small that escalated, or perhaps something larger. But whether you committed a minor faux pas or a major one, violence is not acceptable. Don’t yell at her, don’t get physical, for that will only cause an escalation. Hold contact with her with your eyes and speak calmly, don’t raise the volume or pitch of your voice, be firm and with a concerned tone, ask her to please wait a minute, and talk to you once she’s able because she may hurt herself, you, or something she might later miss.
Rage meltdowns can happen in stores, at clubs, on the street, in your house (or someone else’s), usually after some sensory overload and social letdown. If you were the cause of it or not, you’d best not pressure her to talk until she’s ready. “I can’t talk now” means can’t not won’t.
Once the meltdown is long over, then is the time to talk about it. Not during. During, she will be almost unreachable. When I’m in meltdown mode, I can neither see nor hear clearly, and afterwards often cannot believe what I said or did. Later, you can ask her what more both of you can do to spot the signs. And while punitive measures are not as good as prevention, she needs to know that that sort of behavior is destructive to any relationship and that violence will not be tolerated.
After a rage meltdown, the recovery should be about a day. Avoid letting it turn into depression, by taking care of her, talking about what set it off and being sympathetic to whatever that was, easier of course if you were not the cause of it.
Some of us have learned to allow our anger to turn into tears. While this shows our vulnerability, and she doesn’t want to be thought of as weak or bipolar, she can’t get arrested for crying so this is preferable. Physical exercise such as running is handy, but when a meltdown hits, we don’t exactly have the wherewithal to hit the gym. Still, having a kickbag in the garage couldn’t hurt.
Look for the cause and address it. Don’t be too quick to drag your girl to the shrink and to blame her for being unhinged. That’s what my husband did, and the jaded, overworked, tunnel-visioned academic in a white coat looked down his Ivy League nose at me and started prescribing lots and lots of meds that landed me on a quick, slippery slide into a mental institution. That husband is long gone, I’m happy to say. My new partner talks to me, and helps me try to figure it all out. He lets me know he’s not judging me.
Constant meltdowns and mood swings take their toll on the body’s health. If you’ve both tried absolutely everything and are still riding that rollercoaster a little too often, research the best mood stabilizers for autistics. According to some autism experts, we can be very sensitive to drugs and can sometimes have the opposite reaction to a drug than expected. Don’t assume a doctor knows all this. They have many patients. You have only one: Her. Use the internet to research. I’ve included a link in the resources section to a site that contains reports of side effects. With medication, as Temple always says, the benefits should outweigh the risks.
Speaking of being sensitive to drugs, recreational use should be pretty much verboten and alcohol should be consumed in moderation, if at all. Even neurotypicals have rage meltdowns from drinking, so why shouldn’t it open the flood gates for the Aspie?
Please don’t accuse her of concocting some elaborate scheme to have her way when she has a meltdown. It is way beyond that. Needing to have our way, as we discussed, is a deep-seated need that has no superficial or cheap motivations.
Partner’s words
“If a meltdown is potentially on the way, don’t be loud or combative, don’t play loud music, get her in a quiet place. Offer her whatever her soothing mechanisms are. She’s thrown stuff at me. I’m not a punching bag, but I didn’t hold a grudge. At first I didn’t understand but I forgave because I have somebody in my life who’s able to explain what a meltdown is. That’s important, especially if you’re an NT, you need somebody to explain what it is and what they need. Talk about it before it happens so you can be prepared if and when it does.”
19
Trust—abuse it and lose it
I was taking my dog out and the neighbor was taking hers. As we bumped into each other in the hallway, she said, “We should take our dogs out for a play date sometime.” I kind of grunted some response and afterward said to my partner, “I don’t think I want to go on a play date with her. I don’t even know her.” My partner told me not to worry, he said that NTs don’t always mean what they say. “Then why would you bother saying it?” I asked.
That is the exact kind of situation that got me into so much trouble as a young adult. Someone would say, “Let’s hang out.” And I’d call them and call them until I either got them to hang out with me or admit that they didn’t want to. NTs seem to have a way of saying things they don’t mean and meaning things they don’t say. There’s been so much talk in this book about what is unusual or challenging about your Aspergirl, what she needs to learn, how you can help your “normal” friends understand her. Tell me, why is that kind of behavior considered acceptable?
The longer I live, the more I think that what’s normal is due for review and revision. In a culture that prizes competition over cooperation, that rewards people for being devious and deceitful, that drops bombs instead of food, that shoots real bullets instead of something that just stuns s
omeone long enough to stop them, that gives bimbos and bimbobs their own TV shows just to make everyone else feel superior and titillated at the same time, maybe we should rethink what normal is.
When an Aspie says, “I don’t remember,” they mean “I don’t remember,” not “I have no recollection of that at this juncture.” Your Aspergirl is a straight-up player and will expect the same from you. She says what she means and means what she says and expects the same of you. If she sees, over the course of time, that you do not operate along these lines, she will think of you as flawed.
Everyone makes mistakes, you and she will too. But so much emphasis has been put on improving her, what about you? If you don’t take my advice on at least most of these things, if you have been judgmental of her and keep on being judgmental, then eventually you won’t have to give up on her, she will give up on you.
You must be honest. This is not on the optional menu. Things leave an indelible mark on our minds. An NT woman might be able to pretend that an affair, slight, or lie didn’t happen, but your Aspie won’t be able to. She might not remember where you parked the car, and she might not remember what that fight was about last night, but once something happens that kills her trust for you, it will be very difficult ever to get it back. Betrayal, particularly deceit, cheating etc., will leave an irreparable tear in the fabric of your relationship.