by Rudy Simone
Betrayal doesn’t have to be of the obvious sort either. If she begins to think that you really don’t “get” her, that you really are not on her side, that will likely be the beginning of the end. If you find you are at this stage in your relationship, you will have to take strong proactive steps to regain that trust. Actions speak louder than words, but it would be helpful to write down what it is you intend to do (or not do) and then make sure your actions follow suit.
Partner’s words
“Trust is a difficult thing to obtain, and keep, once you have it from your Aspie partner. Due to the many years of being bullied and being misunderstood, the ‘Glass Wall’ is tough to break down. Be patient. Be honest. Be supportive. Your Aspie partner will appreciate your efforts and not soon forget them.”
20
Is it obsession or is it love?
I’ve heard NTs say that there are a million people in the world that would be compatible for each of us, but I do think the playing field is a lot narrower for Aspies. Even the most physically attractive of us tend to weed out most potential partners the moment we open our mouths, because we “say the wrong thing” or expose that we are quirky and not within the norms with either language or action.
In school most of us had a hard time dating. Like Groucho Marx said, “I’d never want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.” The only boys that wanted to go out with us tended to be the ones we didn’t want, because even us geeky kids want to go out with the cool kids to get accepted into that club; to be validated as desirable. So we may have grown up thinking we would never meet anyone who we actually liked and who liked us.
The dating game, which seemed like fun for everyone else was probably daunting to her. So if and when someone made out he liked her, and she liked him, chances are that she would obsess—this person would have become her special interest. This means that when breakup time came, if the other person was the one to initiate it, she might have found it very hard to let go. She may have become extremely distraught, for what are we without our obsessions? To an Aspergirl it is like being a kite without a string, a boat without a rudder, a soul with no raison d’être. She may have even gone into stalking-type behavior. And of course, because we are female, the other person might not have the same desire to bring this to the attention of school or other authorities, so it may have gone on for ages. One boy in high school was so tired of me chasing him, he finally hit me in the leg with a shovel to get rid of me.
She may have suffered similar traumatic experiences being rejected and humiliated as a teenager or young woman, and she might be gun-shy of any relationship at all. But others are virtually incurable romantics, despite the hurt it can bring. Of those, most of us eventually learn to curtail romantic obsessive behavior, but it can take a while. She is trusting, naïve and becomes obsessive about things she likes. Don’t play games, even if they’re the games everyone else in the world plays. Even if she’s very high-functioning and doesn’t miss all hints, she’ll still miss some, and because we always want so desperately to believe that the one we love loves us back, nowhere is she more likely to fall into this trap.
Until recently, I had spent my whole life in a pattern of obsess, pursue, and eventually be rejected. What happens between pursuit and rejection is the only varying part. Sometimes I’d win the object of my affection for a short time. I can be quite persuasive, and men will be men and boys will be boys and I mistook sex for love. I was usually the “interim girl,” you know, the one you have while you’re looking for the One: a normal girl, that talks about normal things, that doesn’t act weird; the one you want to be seen with. My own “great love” was really a one-sided obsession that lasted seven years although the actual relationship dragged out over three, and much of that was filled with lonely, sleepless, tearful nights, because he was never committed. This is when you’ll hear people say, “How can a smart girl be so stupid?” or some variation on that theme.
When I interviewed couples for this book, some of the partners were exes. It became obvious in some cases that they broke up because they just couldn’t handle Aspie quirks, and saw them as flaws rather than as things to be celebrated. This may be the case in your relationship. If you don’t love her just as she is, if you don’t see a future with her, if you don’t want to go out with her, say so very specifically. Ignoring her as a way of breaking up with her won’t work as she probably won’t get it. The be literal rule—“Say what you mean and mean what you say” totally applies here. She might be the last to know. Don’t blindside her. Have discussions and help her prepare. It won’t be easy. If she loves you or is obsessed with you, and you want to leave her, you will have to be both compassionate and firm, or it can drag on forever.
If you are worried about what will happen to her when you go, let me say this. She might be better off without you if you don’t embrace her and her Aspie nature wholeheartedly. I have heard from couples that were flying blind for years, not knowing that she had Asperger’s, until they finally broke up. Divorce and a diagnosis can give a woman a real understanding of herself and a real sense of freedom to do what she wants and to be who she really is. A dysfunctional home is not better than an unconventional home. Your kids, if you have them, would rather see two happy parents than two unhappy ones, even if that means in two separate places. Maybe not at first, but in the long run.
Just because she has Asperger’s, doesn’t mean you don’t have issues of your own to work on. Be sure that if you do want to leave, you aren’t needlessly blaming Asperger’s for things that are actually within you. This can and does happen.
If you do love her, say so and say so often, even if it makes her squirm. Make it clear how you feel about her, and she in turn will make it clear how she feels about you (even if she doesn’t verbalize it herself). If you want to stay together, you must completely embrace Asperger’s and all it has to offer, and help your partner and yourself meet the challenges with patience, grace, information, and tools. It can be done. After several failed marriages and relationships, I have someone who gets it and who works with me, from where I truly am, not from who or where he thinks I should be. That has made all the difference.
Her words
“In a nutshell, after 22 years of marriage, out of the blue (to me anyway—I was totally clueless and blindsided!), he served me with divorce papers. Two weeks later, I had a formal diagnosis. I’ll skip over all the drama that ensued, but know that I have never been happier. The divorce removed such a dark cloud that had been over me for probably decades, that I never even realized was there—my friends and family all commented how much I have blossomed and how much happier I seem. My own feelings are that removing a totally dysfunctional home situation, coupled with me embracing my Aspie nature and finally having insight into myself, all combined to bring about this transformation.”
21
You may find more in common as you get older
If you and your Aspergirl stay together into old age, you may find yourselves “trading traits.” She may become less sensitive to things like loud noises and smells, and you might find yourself becoming more “Aspie” with age: more forgetful, perhaps a bit more blunt, disliking crowds, surprises, and really needing your ritual and routine. Even before old age, ask any neurotypical who’s lived with an Aspie for a long time, and they’ll tell you they’ve picked up a habit or two. As time goes by you might be more similar than complementary—two as-peas in a pod. That is something to look forward to.
I love getting older. I feel more comfortable in my skin, I’ve acquired some social skills, am less afraid of people, and actually do enjoy their company from time to time. I have learned to love my honesty while at the same time curbing my bluntness just enough. I’ve learned to embrace, use, and make a living off of my special interests, and I’ve become less self-centered through the love I have for my daughter. And your Aspergirl too will become more at peace with herself while learning to compromise, as long as you have good communication,
acknowledgment of the impact of AS (on everything), and support. Support can be a therapist, group, family, books like this, or just the love of one good person.
But if I hadn’t gotten a diagnosis, I’d hate to think about what my life would be like now, much less in my seventies. Golden years would not be golden, but rather a dingy yellow. I still have time to work on my challenges, my deficits, my relationship skills. Before we are too old to change, this is the time of life we need to come to terms with ourselves, our choices, our past, and where we are now in order to move happily into our futures. If your girl is in, say, her forties, she may be more accepting of herself, but you may have noticed some traits getting worse as she enters the middle years.
She may have gotten a late diagnosis because of it, or you may be going through a rough patch. As we enter into various menopausal states, we may become more emotionally unstable than we’ve been since puberty. In our twenties, thirties, and probably early forties we can “muscle” through, persevere, and when we encounter problems, consult counselors, gurus, psychics, and even tarot cards for the reasons we just can’t seem to make relationships/career/friendships work. But by the time we are mid-forties, give or take, we start to realize there’s something more going on. As Liane Holiday Willey famously coined, we have a harder time “pretending to be normal.” When I just turned 40, I was on my way to a class and suddenly could not remember where I was going. I had to pull over and just relax, allow it to come back to my brain. It took several minutes, and I thought I was suffering early Alzheimer’s.
In middle age, Aspie traits we managed to bury through artifice and Herculean effort rise to the surface like Mafia victims washing up on a beach. It gets harder to put up with the social artifice and sensory overload of life. So we don’t. We speak our minds about it. The trick is to do it nicely. I think this will be a crucial phase of your relationship because you may not like the newly liberated Maude as much as she likes herself. But Asperger’s + maturity can mean one hell of an interesting person. Since my diagnosis, I started doing standup comedy, singing jazz professionally, and I’ve almost completed my sixth book (including this one), all within just a few years. If she is changing things, going through a rebuilding process, it is likely that the structures that are failing her were due a revision anyway. And though things like sleeplessness and forgetfulness may worsen, we have an edge—the childlike qualities inherent in autism and Asperger’s keep us youthful and growing in many ways.
You will get older too, and AS or not, you will begin to suffer the same cognitive glitches that we do: “Where do I know you from?” “Who moved the supermarket?” You will become less coordinated with age, and as your eyes change, more sensitive to light and glare, while her hearing may decrease, making her less sensitive to sounds that currently drive her up a wall. In some ways, although people on the spectrum retain childlike qualities, we are also like older people in that we can be “fuddy duddies” not wanting to try new things. My point is, you may find more in common as you get older. Many older people, spectrum or not, are described as eccentric. It’s because they’ve climbed the mountain of life and figured out what is important to them and what isn’t and aren’t afraid to express it. She’s already been there for ages, saying come on up, the view is great!
Partner’s words
“She doesn’t let me be in denial. She forces me to see things from a different perspective…which can get pretty uncomfortable at times, but I’ve changed and grown so much because of her.”
“I’ve been the female partner of an Aspergirl for ten years. It’s complicated and difficult sometimes… We don’t think in the same way or see things the same way. As time goes by, we both learn to accept each other for who we are… I wouldn’t change a thing!”
22
Asperger’s is a reason, not a label, not an excuse
What good is a label, I often get asked? Doesn’t it pigeonhole a person? Prejudice others against you? Well, you can’t be responsible if other people are prejudiced. Generally, in modern societies we don’t ask other minorities to hide who and what they are (anymore). We are what we are, whether we hide it or not.
My advice is, diagnosed or self-diagnosed, if the information describing Asperger’s describes her and the advice given to people on the spectrum helps her, then use it. Whether you share that outside of your relationship is up to the two of you. But since you are the most intimate person in her life, you have to know what you are dealing with. Knowing about AS will help you know her and, in turn, inform and enrich your relationship. All my prior relationships existed outside of that knowledge. I can only tell you that knowing, and having a partner that knows, is so completely different to anything I’ve experienced before. For the first time, I am not alone in a relationship.
Your Aspergirl may be 20 or she may be 40. If she is younger and has good parents and can find a good doctor, she might get an actual formal diagnosis. I’ve been compiling a list of doctors that diagnose adult females and it is longer than your arm…if you’re a dachshund. So if she cannot find someone, or if she cannot afford it, she may be self-diagnosed. That is okay. That is how most of us start out. I talk to women all the time that have been self-diagnosed for years and are just getting their official verdict now. Sometimes, rarely, they come back and say the doctor did not agree with their own assessment, but often they do.
My advice is, if she’s self-diagnosed, accept it. If the information helps her, what harm could it possibly do? Most people I meet, do NOT use Asperger’s as an excuse but rather as an explanation. It explains our bluntness, will to perfection, our childlike qualities, meltdowns, our rigidity, our focus, our strange sense of humor that serves a lot better than it receives. It explains so many things. But before you go pinning a big scarlet “A” onto everything she says and does, and onto every problem with your relationship, remember that she is a person, and yours is a relationship, and you are playing the other leading role. You may have your own issues to learn about and get ahold of.
Don’t ever think that a diagnosis means she is fatally flawed, or that she can now be “cured.” Neither is correct, and that kind of thinking would be the death of your relationship. But she should be getting help and knowledge, at least in the form of books and dialogue, if not therapy or AS groups. She still has few resources to turn to, since all work on AS was done observing men, and not until very recently (and I like to think I had a small part in it) has it begun to be understood that AS presents and is perceived differently in women, before which it had been overlooked if not misdiagnosed. She’s a minority within a minority, and again if she’s an ethnic minority or gay. The shortlist of authors, speakers, and researchers who deal positively and deeply with female AS issues is indeed still a short list. Other than myself, Liane Holiday Willey, Shana Nichols and Tony Attwood are the first that spring to mind (please forgive those I missed). All of them really get it and really care, Liane because she’s a beautiful compassionate author who is on the spectrum, and Shana and Tony because they work intensely and mindfully with Aspergirls at their clinics and have written great books.
So other than reading our books, and maybe getting a diagnosis, where can she turn? Why should she turn? Because she is from a different subculture and needs to understand who she is. I wouldn’t want to be an African girl for example, in an all-white neighborhood without ever seeing anyone of my own color. I’d always feel different, no matter how kind everyone was to me. It’s a human need to belong, to know why you are different from those around you, and to seek out others like us, even for Aspies. I never feel more comfortable than when I speak in a roomful of spectrum individuals. I love giving talks to professionals who work with us, but am more fulfilled and challenged by talking with fellow Aspergians. She probably has this need even if you both think she doesn’t. You might want to seek out any Asperger adult social/support groups in your area.
There’s maybe a stigma in your mind attached to these groups. Every time I’ve gone to one t
here has always been an interesting cross-section of men and women of different ages, with different interests, aptitudes, and styles: Individuals. Should you attend these groups with her? Of course, if they’ll have you (most will, although a few have a strict AS-only policy). She spends most of her time in an NT-dominated world, why shouldn’t you see how the other 1 percent lives? It is a beautiful, rich world we inhabit.
A diagnosis will give both of you a much-needed frame of reference for many of the challenges and differences between you that you will encounter. I hope that this book has given you understanding of your exotic, eccentric, unique Aspergirl. And I thank you for caring and for spending a few hours of your life with this handbook.
Partner’s words
“I didn’t believe she had Asperger’s until I got to know her. But if I didn’t have an understanding, if I hadn’t educated myself, I wouldn’t have understood so many things about her. I sometimes think that learning about Asperger’s has enriched me more than it has her, made me wiser and more compassionate. I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Last Words
As I went for a walk and wondered how to end this book, the words to a song popped into my head over and over again. “Are you strong enough to be my man?” Women with Asperger’s are not looking for some malleable, weak-willed person they can manipulate into giving them everything they want. We are looking for someone who is strong enough to handle the challenges we’ll throw his way, but who can also challenge us. But even the bravest adventurer can be confounded by unfamiliar terrain, and climate conditions they are not prepared for. Real love and companionship are treasures. I don’t want you to give up on the hunt because you don’t have a map. Now you have one. Good luck to you both!