Captain Awesome vs. the Sinister Substitute Teacher

by Stan Kirby

  “This is possibly the greatest danger we’ve ever faced,” Captain Awesome said in a grim voice.

  “I can feel . . . my Nacho Cheese Powers . . . being sucked from my super brain!” Nacho Cheese Man said shakily.

  “Supersonic Sal! You’ll have to . . . go on without us!” Captain Awesome stammered. “The grossness is . . . too gross!”

  “It’s just the girls’ bathroom,” Supersonic Sal replied.

  “ARRRRRRRRRGH!” Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man yelled as they fell to the ground and squirmed about like worms on a hot sidewalk.

  “Boys.” Supersonic Sal sighed and went into the girls’ bathroom to search for Ms. Beasley. She came back after a few moments to report, “No sign of Ms. Beasley.”

  “Must . . . get away . . . from the brain-sucking . . . Girls’ Bathroom-onite rays!” Captain Awesome gasped as he and Nacho Cheese Man crawled to safety.

  With the boys’ superpowers once again at full strength, they came to the final door in the hallway. The one place that no kid, nor superhero had ever been before . . .

  THE TEACHERS’ LOUNGE!

  DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUN!

  “You guys keep a lookout. I’ll go see what’s inside,” Captain Awesome whispered.

  Captain Awesome carefully snuck into the teachers’ lounge, but nothing could prepare him for the madness that awaited him.

  DOUGHNUTS! COFFEE!

  MINI-FRIDGE!

  What kind of chamber of horrors have I stumbled into? he wondered.

  RATTLE!

  The doorknob behind Captain Awesome turned. Captain Awesome dove behind a couch. If he was caught in the teachers’ lounge, he’d be punished with a lifetime of eating broccoli while doing math problems!

  The door opened and in walked Mr. Dooms! He sat at a table in the middle of the lounge, pulled out a notebook, and started to write.

  By the elastic in my underwear! I bet that’s a list of teachers he plans to add to the rocket and shoot into space! Captain Awesome thought. Must . . . see . . . that . . . list!

  SNEAK!

  CREEP!

  CRAWL!

  Captain Awesome wiggled along the ground like Super Dude did when he helped the Gummy Worms of the Gooey Galaxy defeat the army of Dr. Dentist and his mega Toothbrushers in Super Dude No. 312.

  Captain Awesome slooooowly stood up behind Mr. Dooms, but just as he was about to get a peek at the bad guy plans in Mr. Dooms’s Bad Guy Plans Notebook, Captain Awesome felt a tickle in his throat. NO! It couldn’t be!

  AH-AH-AH-ACHOOOO!

  Mr. Dooms, startled by the unexpected sneeze, looked up, but Captain Awesome was already racing for the door like a spitball being shot from a straw.

  Mr. Dooms has a Super Secret Invisible Sneeze Defense Alarm to make Goodness sneeze if it gets too close! Captain Awesome thought. He really is evil!

  A kid’s life would be one miserable dinner of kale salad and mystery casserole after another if it wasn’t for pizza and pasta. That’s why nothing made Eugene happier than pizza at Pepperoni Palace! Somehow, the sounds of loud video games and screaming kids having fun just made food taste better!

  Eugene burst through the front doors wearing his favorite pizza-eating baseball cap. If you could eat a birthday, it would taste like this, Eugene thought as he eyed the pizza platters that were lined up on the counter.

  “There’s no way you can mess up pizza. It just isn’t possible,” Super Dude said in Super Dude No. 222 when he fought the Aspara-Gross, who was trying to ruin all the pizza in the universe with his evil veggie pizza toppings.

  “I want pepperoni!” Eugene yelled. He felt a little guilty for being distracted from the mystery of Ms. Beasley’s whereabouts. But then again . . . this was PIZZA.

  “Waaaa-gaaaa-goooo-cheee!” Eugene’s sister, Molly, babbled.

  SHOCK!

  HORROR!

  CHEESY NO!

  Eugene’s dreams of pizza-mania splattered like a snowball hitting a roller coaster. His pizza joy was about to be crushed. Just like when you find out the “chocolate chips” in a cookie are really raisins!

  MR. DOOMS was in the pizza parlor!

  Ever since the Cheeseburger Embarrassment at Hamburger Haven, Eugene’s parents didn’t allow him to bring his Captain Awesome uniform when his family went out to eat. And now here he was, facing off with the dreaded Mr. Dooms, and all he had were breadsticks and dipping sauce!

  Must send Mi-Tee Mind Rays to Charlie and let him know I need his help! Eugene strained his brain to send a message to Charlie.

  “Hey, Eugene. Are you sending Mi-Tee Mind Rays or something?” Charlie walked up, eating a slice of pizza.

  “Charlie! You got my mind ray message!” Eugene said.

  “Sorry. My stomach’s rumbling so loud, I didn’t hear it. My family just came here for dinner,” Charlie explained.

  “Either way, I’m glad you are here. There’s something you have to see!” Eugene said.

  “If it’s the new Mac and Nacho Cheese Pizza, I already saw it . . . and ate it. Deeeeee-lish!” Charlie said dreamily.

  “No, Charlie,” Eugene said, turning his friend around.

  Charlie gasped.

  “Oh no! Do you think Mr. Dooms is here to sabotage the new Mac and Nacho Pizza?!” Charlie gasped again. “It’s so deeeeee-lish!”

  “Whatever he’s up to, we’ve gotta make sure we’re full of hero fuel so we can stop him!” Eugene pulled a slice of cheese pizza from a platter his dad was carrying. He took a big bite.

  “Just like Super Dude says, ‘Never fight evil on an empty stomach!’ ” Charlie gobbled his own slice.

  But while they were busy chowing down on pizza, Mr. Dooms was headed out the front door, carrying stacks of pizza boxes.

  “Mees metting maway!” Charlie mumbled, his mouth full of pizza.

  “Mee metter mollow mim!” Eugene replied, his mouth equally full.

  There wasn’t a second to lose! Thinking fast, Eugene grabbed Molly’s hand and raced for the front doors, calling back to his mom, “M’Im monna make Mean Minky Mants moo mah mayground!”

  “What did he just say?” Eugene’s mom asked.

  “He said, ‘M’Im monna make Mean Minky Mants moo mah mayground!’ ” Eugene’s dad replied.

  “Yeah, I got that part,” Eugene’s mom said.

  Is he doing anything evil?” Charlie asked.

  “Not yet. Unless you count carrying pizzas toward a Little League field as evil,” Eugene replied.

  “Depends,” Charlie said. “Are any of the pizzas veggie?”

  “Waaa-gaaa-gooo-blaaaaa!” Molly squealed as she popped up between them in the ball pit at the playground. Colorful plastic balls bounced off Eugene’s and Charlie’s heads.

  “SHH!” Eugene and Charlie shushed Molly, but it was too late. Mr. Dooms had seen them!

  “Hey, guys! What’s up?” Mr. Dooms asked, walking over to the ball pit.

  GASP!

  Eugene and Charlie did the only thing two heroes without their costumes can do when a bad guy asks, “What’s up?” They dove under the balls in the ball pit and pretended they hadn’t heard Mr. Dooms.

  “Hi,” I’m Betsy McGillicudy.” Eugene’s mom walked up and introduced herself.

  “Pleased to meet you. I’m Mr. Dooms. I’m subbing for Jan during her vacation,” Mr. Dooms explained.

  Eugene popped up from the balls. “Jan? Who’s Jan?” he asked.

  “Ms. Beasley’s first name is Jan,” Eugene’s mom explained. She asked Mr. Dooms, “I heard Jan—Ms. Beasley—is out because she’s visiting her family? . . .”

  “Oh yeah . . . all the way in New Hampshire,” Mr. Dooms replied.

  “New Hampshire?” Charlie asked, popping up from the ball pit next to Eugene. “I thought you said it was New Jersey!”

  “You’re right, Charlie. My mistake,” Mr. Dooms chuckled.

  “He can’t even remember his own story that he made up to throw us off the trail,” Eugene whispered to Charlie.

/>   “Gwaaa-maaa-gooo-baaaaa!” Molly squealed, and bonked plastic balls off the boys’ heads.

  “I know it’s not easy being a substitute teacher. I hope the boys are behaving in class . . . ,” Eugene’s mom said hopefully.

  “Oh, they’ve been fantastic!” Mr. Dooms replied. “You know, I coach a Little League team—that’s what the pizzas are for. The boys should think about joining the team next year. . . .”

  “So you can lock us in a rocket and blast us into space?!” Eugene accused.

  “Ummm . . . no. I just saw you guys playing catch on the playground yesterday. You’ve both got great arms!” Mr. Dooms continued.

  Mr. Dooms was watching us?! He’s definitely planning to lock us in a rocket and blast us into space! Eugene thought.

  Mr. Dooms grabbed his pizzas and smiled at Eugene’s mom. “It was nice to meet you, but I’ve got some hungry Little Leaguers begging for pizza.”

  “Before you lock them in a rocket and blast them into space?!” Charlie asked.

  “Look out! Fly ball!” a voice cried out before Mr. Dooms could answer.

  A baseball hurtled toward the group!

  Eugene’s mom gasped!

  Mr. Dooms covered his pizzas!

  Molly bonked a plastic ball off Charlie’s face!

  And Eugene whipped off his pizza-eating baseball cap and used it to catch the baseball.

  Eugene smiled to himself and handed the baseball to Mr. Dooms . . . and then remembered that Mr. Dooms was a super villain and glared at him instead.

  Mr. Dooms has been watching us?!” Sally said in horror. “Ohh, there’s definitely some evil going on here.”

  The trio huddled next to the cubbies in the back of the classroom for an emergency meeting of the Sunnyview Superhero Squad. Eugene told Sally everything that happened the night before at Pepperoni Palace.

  “Okay, class. Everyone return to your seats,” Mr. Dooms announced. “Time for a pop quiz.”

  “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!” Eugene arrghed. “Is there no limit to his evilness?!”

  “This is our last chance to prove Mr. Dooms is doing bad guy stuff and save Ms. Beasley before it’s three, two, one, BLAST OFF!” Charlie declared.

  “Then it’s time for Plan H!” Eugene said.

  Charlie paused and scratched his head. “But, Eugene, none of us has a laser hovercraft driver’s license. . . .”

  “Or a laser hovercraft.” Sally sighed.

  “In that case, let’s do what Super Dude would do if this happened to him!” Eugene squinted, because squinting makes everything more dramatic. “Put on our costumes and charge into battle like maniacs!”

  BACKPACK!

  UNZIP!

  COSTUMES!

  “Let’s squirt some cheese!” Nacho Cheese Man pulled out two cans of cheese.

  “My Super Lasso’s ready!” Supersonic Sal added.

  “MI-TEEEE!” Captain Awesome yelled.

  “Oh, hey, kids, what’s—YAAAA!” Mr. Dooms yelped as the trio of heroes rushed toward him.

  CHARGE!

  SQUIRT!

  AIRPLANE!

  Captain Awesome whipped out a paper airplane of his own super design and threw it toward Mr. Dooms. As Mr. Dooms ducked under the paper airplane, Nacho Cheese Man unleashed a cheesy double blast.

  CHEESED!

  It was a direct hit to Mr. Dooms’s shoes!

  Supersonic Sal twirled her Super Lasso over her head!

  LASSOED!

  The lasso landed around Mr. Doom’s shoulders. He spun about like a spider trapped in a nacho cheese web.

  “Wh-what are you guys d-doing?!” Mr. Dooms stammered.

  “We know you kidnapped Ms. Beasley!” Captain Awesome accused. “Tell us where she is or we’re taking this straight to the principal!”

  “What in the world is going on here?!” a voice cried out from the back of the class.

  Captain Awesome, Nacho Cheese Man, and Supersonic Sal spun to face this possible new threat, but nothing could have prepared them for who they saw standing in the doorway.

  “YOU!” Captain Awesome gasped! “It’s not possible!”

  It was Ms. Beasley! Standing in the doorway! And more important, she wasn’t stuck in a rocket and being blasted into space! “What are you kids doing to Mr. Dooms?” she asked.

  The class fell into a total silence except for a snickering Meredith, who mouthed the word “BUSTED” to Captain Awesome.

  The trio of heroes stood wide eyed for a moment, then the joy of seeing their teacher overcame them. “Ms. Beasley!” they shouted, then raced across the room and smothered her with hugs.

  “Oh no! You’re not getting out of this one so easily!” Meredith shouted. “Ms. Beasley! I’ve been watching them! Captain Barf Face, Nacho Cheese Barf Face, and Supersonic Barf Face were running around like monkeys and causing problems like they always do!”

  “I am afraid that’s true. . . .” Mr. Dooms took the lasso from his shoulders.

  A lump formed in Captain Awesome’s chest.

  “. . . Because they were showing the class the proper way to catch a villain.” Mr. Dooms smiled and winked to Captain Awesome.

  “Oh! How wonderful!” Ms. Beasley replied while she gave an apologetic smile to Mr. Dooms.

  “It’s good to see you, Jan, er, Ms. Beasley, but we weren’t expecting you until tomorrow,” Mr. Dooms said.

  “I came home from New York a day early because I missed my class so much,” Ms. Beasley explained.

  “New York?! I thought you said she was in New Jersey!” Captain Awesome said to Mr. Dooms.

  “New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire, I knew it was a ‘New’ state. . . . I just couldn’t remember which one,” an embarrassed Mr. Dooms confessed.

  “Does this mean you weren’t locked in a rocket and blasted into space?” Nacho Cheese Man asked as he wiped the canned cheese from Mr. Dooms’s shoes.

  “Of course not!” Ms. Beasley replied.

  “But! . . . But! . . . But!” Meredith stammered, standing up.

  “I think we’ve had enough disruptions for one day, Meredith,” Ms. Beasley said. “Please take your seat.”

  Meredith crossed her arms and plopped back into her seat. Her face slowly grew redder than a fire truck covered in raspberry jam.

  As Mr. Dooms and Ms. Beasley caught up, Eugene, Sally, and Charlie emerged from the back of the class in their normal clothes.

  “Let’s give Mr. Dooms a big thanks for the awesome job he did!” Ms. Beasley said.

  The class cheered, and no one cheered louder than Eugene.

  “Sorry we thought you were a super villain,” Eugene whispered as Mr. Dooms walked toward the door.

  “Don’t worry. It happens all the time,” Mr. Dooms joked. “Keep practicing baseball, Eugene, and hopefully I’ll see you at tryouts next year.”

  “You just might, Mr. Dooms,” Eugene replied.

  Charlie leaned over to Eugene and whispered, “Now I understand what Super Dude meant when he said, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover. Judge a book by how many cool superhero secrets there are on the pages inside.’ ”

  “And that’s what makes Super Dude so much wiser than us,” Eugene said with a nod. “MI-TEE!”

  Eugene—aka Captain Awesome—is used to dealing with everyday battles of good vs. evil. Mr. Drools, Queen Stinkypants, and the Gross Market of Grocery Doom are all villains he knows he must use his awesome powers against.

  But things have been different lately. There seem to be villains old and new . . . everywhere.

  Then Eugene learns that there’s going to be a Super Dude-tastic Super Party at the comic book store, and that Super Dude himself might make an appearance. Eugene is SUPER excited, but his awesome sense tells him something evil might be brewing, too.

  When STAN KIRBY was six years old, he tied a beach towel around his neck and became Super Commander Beach Boy. He tried his best to protect sand castles from the waves, keep seagulls away from his french fries, and keep the beach clean. When
Stan’s not creating the awesome adventures of Captain Awesome, he loves reading comic books, eating okra, and hang gliding (but not at the same time).

  GEORGE O’CONNOR’S cover—as a mild-mannered clerk in one of Gotham’s most beloved children’s bookstores—was completely blown when his first picture book, KAPOW!, exploded onto the scene. Forced to leave the bookselling world behind, he now spends even more time in his secret Brooklyn, New York, hideout—where he uses his amazing artistic powers to strike fear in the hearts of bad guys everywhere!

  Little Simon

  Simon & Schuster · New York

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  simonandschuster.com/kids

  authors.simonandschuster.com/Stan-Kirby

  authors.simonandschuster.com/George-O’Connor

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  LITTLE SIMON

  An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division • 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020 • www.SimonandSchuster.com • First Little Simon paperback edition March 2016. Copyright © 2016 by Simon & Schuster, Inc. All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. LITTLE SIMON is a registered trademark of Simon & Schuster, Inc., and associated colophon is a trademark of Simon & Schuster, Inc. For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or business@simonandschuster.com. The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com. Designed by Jay Colvin. The text of this book was set in Little Simon Gazette.