Why You Shouldn't Lend A Bad Boy Your Clothes

by Philline Harms

  Passing by the familiar white door at the end of the corridor was even harder than usual today. I stopped in my tracks in front of it and rested a hand on the cold door handle. When I closed my eyes, I could still hear the sound of him playing the drums or listening to Nirvana behind that door. Three years ago, I heard it for the last time. That morning, I passed by in a hurry, too late for school and too busy to say goodbye.

  I jumped back as I heard heavy steps behind me and turned around just in time to see my mom walk around the corner. She ground to a stop when she saw me standing there, nervous blue eyes darting from my face to the door and back.

  “Jules, what are you doing there?”

  “I…nothing,” I whispered. Then I swallowed thickly and tried again louder this time. “I was just leaving.”

  But before I could flee the scene, I suddenly felt her hand on my arm. “Are you okay?” she asked, not daring to look me in the eye. “I know what day it is…You’re alright, yes?”

  I almost slipped and told her that no, I wasn’t okay, and things weren’t alright, but then I came back to my senses. This wasn’t the person who offered comforting hugs and reassuring words anymore. This was the person who hadn’t really talked to me for almost two weeks now

  Wrenching my arm out of her grasp, I took a step back. “I’m fine.”

  I half expected half wished her to try again, to show that she cared at least a tiny bit, but she just nodded and walked off into the other direction. After one last look at the door behind me, I turned around and left the house in a hurry to avoid any more unpleasant encounters.

  Once I was sitting in the car, I didn’t take the road leading to school but drove in the opposite direction. The route to the cemetery was a familiar one, even though I hadn’t been there in a while. I spent the time it took to get there in silence, letting my thoughts wander. They inevitably started to revolve around Hunter sooner or later, but by that time, I was already pulling up in one of the parking spaces.

  The graveyard was small, hidden behind ivy-clad brick walls on the outskirts of town. The rusty metal gate creaked when I pushed it open and stepped inside. Bushes and trees lined the narrow path leading to the small chapel, but that wasn’t the route I took.

  Instead, I went straight to a more secluded corner of the cemetery, the one where the dates of birth and the dates of death on the tombstones started getting closer and closer until they were only decades, months, and weeks apart.

  Ragged teddy bears held watch next to weatherworn dolls, the color drained from their once rosy cheeks and cheerful dresses to match the overcast sky. It was a disturbing sight—frozen porcelain smiles next to crosses and candles and death.

  The grave I was looking for wasn’t covered in toys. It was carpeted with flowers—white lilies. My mother’s taste, not my brother’s; that much I knew for sure.

  Seeing his name on the tombstone still gave me a jolt, even after three years. My legs threatened to buckle at sight, so I voluntarily sank to my knees, aware that I was almost mimicking the pose of the weeping angel that was perched in the middle of the grave.

  “Hey, Luke,” I said quietly, knowing that there wasn’t a living soul near to witness my words. “How’s it going up there?”

  I remained silent for a moment, unsure of what to say next. The wind whispered in the leaves of the trees and caressed my cheek with icy fingers.

  “Sorry that it’s just me this year. I couldn’t come with Mom and Dad. I don’t think they’d want me to be here.” I swallowed hard against the lump forming in my throat, then I muttered, “I really miss you at the moment. Like, a lot. I feel like if you were here, everything wouldn’t be that bad. It’s…it’s really hard right now.”

  I couldn’t bear the sight of his name carved into the stone, so I stared up at the sky instead. “Uhm…there’s this boy. Hunter. And I…I love him so much it kind of hurts,” I whispered. “It’s just that every time I think that everything’s okay…that we’re going to be okay, something happens, and then everything is terrible again. And right now, I’m not sure if it’s really worth it, but I also know that I don’t want to be without him.”

  I fell silent, taking a deep breath. “You know, I think you’d like him. He’s super into cars, and he’s really funny and smart, and he’s just…I wish you could have met him. You would have gotten along, I think.”

  I smiled tiredly at the thought. I could almost imagine them together, talking about types of engines or whatever. In the silence, I could hear the creaking of the gate when someone else entered the cemetery, and I closed my eyes. After a few deep breaths, I slowly got up. This was a short visit, but just spending a few minutes here was strangely comforting.

  I walked back to the gate slowly, taking my time to look around and greet the old woman who came here to tend to her husband’s grave.

  By the time I was back in the car, I didn’t know what to do. Originally, I had planned to just go home afterward, but now the thought made my skin crawl. I couldn’t be there alone, not today. In the end, I instinctively drove in the direction of the school, even though I didn’t have any intentions of actually going to class.

  The first four periods were already over, and when I rolled onto the parking lot, the break was coming to an end. The few people who had spent it outside were already filing back into the building.

  I turned the engine off and stayed in the car, unsure of what to do now. When from the corner of my eye, I noticed someone leaving the school and hurrying across the parking lot. Only after a second, I realized that it was Hunter, his head bowed, and the hood of his jacket pulled onto his face as he opened the door of his car.

  Getting out of the car wasn’t even a conscious decision. One moment, I was sitting in the driver’s seat and the next, I was leaping onto the concrete and rushing towards his Audi. I could hear the engine come to life, but before he could drive, I managed to rip open the door and slide into the passenger seat.

  Hunter’s head whipped around almost instantly, the look on his face as if he had just seen a ghost. He blinked a few times, then his hand slowly twisted the key, and the engine stopped. In the sudden silence, his soft voice rang loudly.

  “Jules?”

  “Hey,” I said. “We need to talk.”

  Hunter dropped his hands into his lap and nodded silently, his eyes never leaving my face.

  “Uhm…” I broke off, suddenly at a loss for words. I had imagined this conversation dozens of times over the past few days, but now that we were actually about to have it, I didn’t know how to say what I needed to say. “Listen, I…I’ve been thinking—”

  “Are we breaking up?”

  I stared at Hunter in surprise, realizing that the look in his eyes was fear. “What? No—no, that’s not what I wanted to say. I just…I really missed you. So much. And I…I want to be together with you so bad,” I said. Now that I was talking, my voice sounded surprisingly firm. “But there are some questions that I need answers to first. Is that okay?”

  He nodded immediately, that same hopeful little glimmer in his eyes that I saw every time we met over the past two weeks. Only this time, I was determined not to chase it away.

  “Okay,” I muttered. “First question: Where were you going just now?”

  “Home,” he replied and uneasily tugged at the collar of his shirt. “I was going to skip the rest of the day because I, uh…didn’t really sleep last night. And the night before and the one before that…”

  “I couldn’t really sleep either.” I quietly admitted. “Uhm…second question: Was that kiss with Victoria the only time you kissed someone who wasn’t me? You know, since we’ve been together?”

  I dug my nails into the palms of my hands, dreading the answer to that question, but Hunter just nodded.

  “Yes. I…You have to believe me. I would never do that,” he said.

  The look in his eyes was a genuine fear that I wouldn’t believe him, so I quickly nodded.

  “Okay. I believe you.” I w
as surprised how sure I suddenly was.

  I opened my mouth to ask the next question, but before I could speak a word, Hunter suddenly said, “I have to tell you something because I…I don’t want to lie.”

  I sent him a questioning glance, but he averted his eyes, staring down at his hands instead.

  “Victoria wants to meet me more often. I met up with her three more times since that night because she threatened to call your parents. I didn’t kiss her again or anything like that. I just…I thought you should know. And I want you to know that it’s okay if you don’t want to be with me because I still have to see her. I understand if you don’t.”

  “No,” I replied, surprising even myself with how quickly and urgently I said it. “I still want to be with you. As long as you promise that nothing will happen between you, I’ll be okay.”

  He nodded immediately, looking like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders. “I promise. I can’t kiss her again. I can’t do any of that. Not with anyone but you.”

  Warmth spread in my stomach, and I offered him a small smile. “Okay…The next question might be a little intimate, so you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

  Just for a second, the hint of a grin flickered across his face. “I thought we already were pretty intimate.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You know what I mean, dumbass.” Getting more serious again, I asked, “Why did you sleep around so much in the first place?”

  “Oh,” Hunter muttered, unconsciously biting his lip. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, but his next words sobered me immediately. “Well, uh…You know how I never really told you much about my family?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah…But I did once tell you that my dad is a plastic surgeon and that he isn’t home a lot, right? Neither is my mom.” He paused like he didn’t know how to phrase what was about to come. “I spent most of my teen years pretty much taking care of myself. I mean, my sister was there too, but then she went to college, and from that point on I was pretty much alone at home 24/7. It wasn’t that bad. It was just…lonely, I guess.”

  “So you slept with people to not feel so alone?” I asked, trying to follow him.

  “Kind of. I guess if you wanted to go all psychological on me you’d say that I was trying to counteract the lack of intimacy by having sex, only in turn making the sex less intimate. That is until I met you,” he murmured, a faint blush creeping up his neck.

  “Oh,” I muttered. “That…wasn’t really what I expected.”

  “Yeah, most people must think I’m a nymphomaniac or something when in reality it was just a dumb form of compensating.” He grimaced and added, “And also an attempt to get attention from my parents, I think. Only that didn’t really work. They didn’t seem to care that I constantly brought someone new home or that I slept somewhere else for nights on end.”

  “So they…neglected you?”

  “I guess so,” he said. Glancing at me, he tried for a cheery grin and failed spectacularly. “Don’t look so surprised. What responsible parent lets their kid drive street races?”

  “They know about that?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. My dad did buy me the car though, and he also knows I had it tuned. He just never bothered to ask why.”

  I was silent for a moment, letting that new information sink in. Eventually, I carefully asked, “So you did all of this only because of your parents?”

  “Of course not.” Hunter snorted, looking amused and a little more like himself now. “I also did it because the sex was fun.”

  “Of course.” I quietly echoed, still caught up in my thoughts.

  Hunter was silent for a moment, then he groaned, “I weird you out, didn’t I? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shove all the family drama into your face.”

  I only shook my head. “Please, you know me. I don’t think there’s a family that’s more fucked up than mine.” We were both quiet for a moment, then I finally took a deep breath and said, “Actually, there’s something I need to tell you…about my family.”

  “Okay,” he said, eyeing me curiously.

  “Uhm…I really don’t know where to start,” I said honestly, leaning back in my seat and closing my eyes for a second to steady me. “I…I had an older brother.”

  Hunter paled immediately. “What?”

  “His name was Luke. He died three years ago,” I said quietly, swallowing thickly.

  “Shit. I’m so sorry,” Hunter muttered. He looked genuinely shocked, hands fidgeting in his lap. “How…how did he die?”

  “He killed himself.” The words stung in my mouth. “Overdosed on pills.”

  Hunter’s eyes widened when realization began to set in. “That’s why you were so in shock when I offered you the Advil?”

  I nodded and softly added, “After my parents found out how he did it, they banned all kinds of medication from the household. There’s only a few in a cabinet in the bathroom, but it’s locked, and my mom always hides the key. I haven’t taken any pills ever since. That’s why I reacted so weird.”

  “God, I’m so sorry,” Hunter murmured. “What was he like?”

  I looked at him in surprise. No one had ever asked me that. People were usually so intent on his mental illness and the way he died that they forgot to care about him as a person. Luke was more than his depression, but no one wanted to know that.

  My words were carefully picked when I answered, “He wasn’t perfect, but to me, he was the closest to it that anyone ever got. He was three years older than me, so I believed everything he said. I wanted to be just like him back then. He was in a band and never really left his room. If he did, he argued with our parents. When we were little, we used to do everything together. I always tagged along when he met with his friends, or when he did stuff like sneaking into the kitchen to steal cookies. He even made the trip to the kitchen seem like the biggest adventure we’d ever experience,” I said, smiling a little at the memory. “When we grew older, he got more reserved and spent less time with me. He locked himself in his room and sometimes didn’t leave it for hours on end.” I broke off, realizing that was just what I was doing with Maya, right now. More quietly, I continued. “My parents didn’t even notice a change. I did, but back then, I was too young to understand.”

  “You don’t have to say more than you want to,” Hunter muttered, but now that I had started talking, it was like some sort of dam had broken and the words just continued to spill out.

  “I was thirteen when he…When it happened. I came home from school, and the first thing I noticed was that it was too quiet. Usually, he always had music or the TV playing because he didn’t like the silence, but when I came, there was nothing. I didn’t think much of it because I just assumed he was at band practice or something, you know? So I didn’t look for him anywhere. About two hours later, I went to the bathroom to go to the toilet. He was in there. My parents only came home two hours later.”

  Hunter was silent for a moment. Then he reached for my hand and held it tightly. It was the first instance of physical contact in two weeks, and it was more comforting than any words could have ever been.

  “My parents…They changed after that,” I said. “They completely immersed into their jobs and stayed longer hours at work. I was alone at home all day. They sent me to counseling, but I didn’t want to talk to some shrink about my brother. I wanted to talk to them. But the week after Luke’s death, they stopped speaking of him. They still don’t and just pretend he never existed. They focused way more on Maya instead. She…she was only one year old when Luke died. I’m not sure how, but I think they sort of see her as a replacement for him.”

  “That’s…sick,” Hunter muttered.

  “Yeah.” I quietly agreed. “But it’s the only thing that’s kept them going.”

  He shook his head slightly, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand in small circles. “I don’t understand. If they’ve already lost one child…Why do they act the way they do? Why don’t they do
everything they can to make sure you don’t end up the same way?”

  When I answered, my voice didn’t sound bitter or angry, only tired. “Because I’m already dead to them. I was, the moment they found out about us.”

  Close as we were sitting, I could hear the sound of Hunter gulping, his eyes fixed on our intertwined hands. Finally, he muttered, “Jules…You’re so fucking strong, you know that? Stronger than anyone else I know.”

  I didn’t reply, afraid that if I did, I would honestly start to cry. It was funny that it hadn’t been Victoria’s cruel remarks or my parents’ blatant repulsion that I had endured over the past few weeks, but Hunter’s genuine kindness that was the thing that brought me close to tears. All that I could do was smile timidly at him while I squeezed his hand.

  “Hey…can I ask a question as well?” he suddenly asked, shifting a little in his seat.

  “Of course.”

  “Can I kiss you?”

  He looked at me with wide eyes, his whole body practically buzzing with nervousness.

  I answered by curling a hand around the back of his neck and finally closing the distance between us. Kissing him after such a long time felt like coming home, warm and soft and sweet. Everything about this was familiar and comforting. His right hand was still holding onto mine while the other found its way into my hair. It was an awkward angle with the gearshift between us, but it was perfect, every inch of me tingling.

  When I eventually had to back out for air, Hunter refused to let go. Instead, he rested his forehead against mine, his soft breath warm against my cheek.

  “I was so scared I’d never get to do this again.”

  “Yeah,” I muttered. “Me too.”

  His nose brushed against mine when he leaned back to look me in the eye. “So we’re…We’re okay?”

  “Yes,” I said firmly.

  We were interrupted by the distant ringing of the school bell, and only moments later, the doors flew open as the first students started to leave.