"I'm kind of tired," Alix said, pushing herself up from her chair. "If you two will excuse me, I think I'll go take a nap."
"Alix, wait," Devyn said, stopping her from leaving. "I need to talk to you for a minute."
Devyn noted the sudden spark of happiness that filled her eyes. His gut twisted. What he was about to do made him miserable. But he had no choice.
"Zarina, could you excuse us?"
Zarina lifted a curious brow. To Devyn's complete astonishment, she actually got up and left without making a comment. Thank God she had the good sense to know not to push his already strained control.
Now alone with Alix, he felt his will started to fluctuate. Do it, he told himself, but even so he regretted what he had to do more than he regretted anything, including his days in the HAWC. Not even an image of Onone could ease his conscience.
Alix stared at him with those incredible blue eyes, and he knew he lost a few inches of height.
Clearing his throat, he turned away from her. Maybe it would be easier to say it if he didn't watch her reaction. "I've been thinking about..." His voice trailed off. Stupid! He had practiced this a dozen times in the last few minutes, so why couldn't he recall the way he'd rehearsed it?
"Look, Devyn, I know what you're going to say."
He turned around to look at her, but the pain in her eyes made him regret the action.
Glancing away from him, she gripped the door frame. "It was the lighting, or maybe just an impulse. You didn't mean to kiss me, and you wish you hadn't."
She clenched her teeth and he swore he could see tears in her eyes. "I'm a grown woman; you can be honest with me." She cleared her throat before meeting his gaze. "I'm not looking for a lover either, okay? So let's just forget anything ever happened. You command the helm and I'll watch my gauges, and we'll just go our own ways."
And I'll damn myself for it in twenty years. He watched her leave and it took every ounce of control he had not to run after her and apologize, to tell her he didn't mean it, that he wanted her.
But dammit, he couldn't. She wasn't the type of woman a man would tire of in a few months. She was the type who forever haunted a man on lonely nights, made him regret the decision to leave. And he had too many regrets already. Besides, love made a man a fool. That was one lesson he'd already learned and he'd learned it in such a way as to never forget it.
"You know, I don't understand you at all."
Devyn turned around, his heart pounding at the sudden voice intruding on his thoughts. Zarina moved into the room and pulled a plastic bottle of water from the cooling unit. Her gaze raked him as if she were looking at something unclean.
"I thought you'd quit being such a selfish bastard, but I guess a verrago can't change its coat."
Devyn clenched his fists at his sides. He fought for the slipping control on his temper. No matter how angry Zarina made him, he couldn't strangle her. But at the moment that was the only action he could think of that would give him satisfaction.
Devyn slammed the door closed on the cooling unit and invaded her personal space, pushing her back without touching her until she was trapped between him and the counter. "I find it odd that you of all people would dare castigate me for selfish behavior."
She lifted a shocked brow at him.
Devyn curled his lip in response. "I thought you had made your own oath to quit drawing hasty conclusions and to find out all sides of something before you started hurling insults."
Zarina pushed him away from her, her eyes blazing as she moved to the other side of the table. "All right, then, let's hear your reason for why Alix ran past me in tears."
All the anger drained out of him and left his soul deflated. He had never meant to hurt Alix or anyone else.
Zarina pulled out a chair and took a seat. "I'm listening. Explain to me why you stare after Alix like a gimfry sniffing food, then you cut her heart out." She took a swig of water and Devyn wished she'd choke on it.
Guilt and pain ripped through his gut. He hadn't asked to be attracted to Alix. God knew if he could turn off his feelings, he would. But something inside him kept reaching out to Alix every time he looked at her.
Dammit, he couldn't allow Alix to invade his life, to make him care again. He needed to be unattached. His missions were the only thing he could do, the only way he could make amends. No one must ever come between him and his job.
"I don't really want to talk about this with you," he said, turning to leave.
Zarina gave him that old chiding look that was unique to her. "I bet you never thought Onone could cause you more pain dead than she did when she was alive."
His breath caught in his throat. He knew better than to ask how Zarina knew what had him bothered. She'd always had an irritating ability to read people. Just like his dad. "This isn't about Onone."
"Then what's it about?"
Sighing, Devyn pulled another bottle out of the cooling unit and took a seat next to Zarina. No use trying to leave; she'd only pursue him until he either told her what bothered him, or he killed her.
"Everything," he said.
By the skeptical look on her face, he knew she didn't believe him.
Devyn sighed and tried again. "All right, maybe I've just learned to leave things alone. For the first time in a long while, I like myself and my life and I don't want it to change. I have my freedom, my ship, and missions that mean something. If I tied myself to Alix, I'd lose everything I've built."
"Pah-lease!"
Anger burned raw in his throat. His vision darkened. "Don't act outraged. You know what I'm talking about. Both our fathers gave up their careers for our mothers. Calix, who swore he'd never allow any woman to rule him, stopped smuggling as soon as he met his wife. Name me one person who continued their old life once they married."
"My brother Adron."
Devyn almost spewed his water. "Bad example. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't his enemies kill his pregnant wife? And look at him now. Crippled, embittered, and living alone on an isolated planet." He shook his head. "Yep, show me where to sign up for that future."
Zarina punched him in the arm. "Don't forget cynical. You've already got that down to a fine art."
He rubbed his aching biceps. If only he could ease the pain in his heart as easily.
Zarina stood. She stared down at him with a pitying look that scorched his soul and made him want to push her back into her chair. "Unless you change your ways, you're going to be a lonely old man, Devyn Kell."
Chapter Five
Devyn stared at the dull gray ceiling overhead. He knew the outline of each steel plate and rivet. For the last two hours, he'd done nothing but look up and think. After so much time, he thought he'd have an answer to the three billion questions and concerns torturing him. Instead, he'd only uncovered more confusion.
Zarina's words haunted him. He didn't want to grow old alone. He'd give anything to have the kind of love his parents shared, but he wasn't sure he wanted to pay the price of such love. Adron was a prime example. And, of course, Sway. Every time Claria left, Sway fell into a deep depression. A depression made worse by the fact that Sway knew the two of them could never remain together no matter how much they loved each other. That kind of love Devyn could do without.
The only alternative would be to leave everything behind and settle down as his father had done. After all, his father had given up a legendary career to go back to school and become a mundane surgeon who never got shot at or arrested. Even his mother had left her career as a bounder so that he would have a normal childhood with two parents. But Devyn just couldn't see himself following after them. Maybe he had too many Laing genes in him for that. The thought of giving up his missions tore at him worse than the fear of being alone.
No, he owed too many people a chance. As an officer in the HAWC, he had caused too many deaths, executed too many people. If he quit running humanitarian missions now, he'd never be able to live with himself.
"Do you love me?" Onone's voic
e taunted him from the past.
His stomach lurched from guilt and pain.
At the time, he'd answered yes, but now he knew the truth. Devyn almost laughed at himself and his stupidity. No one should be held accountable for what they think they want when they're young.
He had been attracted to Onone's beauty and sophistication. Too young to see through the shallow waters of her lies, he'd allowed her to use him right up to the last. He had been nothing to her except a distraction, a passing amusement.
Delusion's Gate. He remembered his father telling him stories about the lost civilization where nothing was ever what it seemed. On the one side everything was beautiful and pure, yet underneath the surface twisted darkness lurked, waiting to trap the unwary traveler. And he had walked right into it, eyes blind and heart open. His father had done his damnedest to warn him away from Onone, but he hadn't listened. Slash a mark for Dad.
But Alix didn't play that game. She was different. He knew that. He couldn't forget her. Her goodness went deeper than physical beauty, and that scared him more than anything else.
"I've never spent more than two weeks on a planet in my life." Devyn closed his eyes, trying to blot out the image of Alix's face when she'd said the words. And he knew the truth. She wouldn't ask him to settle down; she'd be right by his side on every mission. Every time someone opened fire on their ship, she'd be there beside him, her life one plasma blast from ending. One little miscalculation and she'd disappear from his life as quickly as she'd stumbled into it.
Of course he could try a less dangerous career. Maybe captain a freighter like her father. Devyn nearly bolted off the bed. What the hell was he thinking? He could never be a freighter captain any more than he could allow Alix to die.
If he had one single brain cell capable of working, he'd dump Alix off the ship with Zarina. Before it was too late.
His stomach tightened at the thought of never seeing her again.
"Dammit!" he snarled.
He was in control here, not Alix.
She could be pushed out of his thoughts. He'd prove it. With that thought, he went to the weight room. A little exercise and he'd feel a lot better. He didn't need a woman he barely knew clouding his thoughts, making him rethink a life-shaping decision he had made a long time ago. An important decision he knew was right.
Alix glanced up as the door opened. Her heart lurched at the sight of Devyn and she wanted a big hole to appear in the side of the ship and suck her out into space.
He looked gorgeous in a pair of tight black exercise shorts. His naked upper body displayed perfection. Her gaze fell to the long, even, white scar that ran across his left side where a blaster had struck him, and she realized how just one mistake could ruin someone.
Devyn could easily be her one mistake. They didn't belong together. Just look at yourself, Alix.
She wore a baggy pair of shorts and a loose tank top. The combination only served to emphasize the boyishness of her body. Sweat dripped down her face, and odd pieces of hair had come free from her braid, no doubt forming a frizzy frame around her thin, boyish face. She knew she looked worse than she ever had before. Why couldn't she just drop dead on the spot?
Devyn stopped as he caught sight of her in the shadowed corner where she sat working on leg lifts. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I didn't know you were in here."
He appeared a lot calmer than before, almost mellow. She couldn't detect any of his earlier hostility. Now it seemed as if he had come to terms with their delay and her.
"It's okay," Alix said. "I was just finishing up." She reached for her towel.
Devyn came closer and grabbed the pull-down bar just over her head. The dim light of the room flashed against the small gold medallion he wore around his neck. He leaned so close she could smell the sweet musk scent of his after-shave. Her heart raced.
Alix did her best to ignore the bulging muscles of his arms and torso, but his stance only emphasized the well-defined flesh. She ached to run her hands over his body, to feel the rippling dips of muscles over his lean ribs.
If she could have one wish . . .
Don't! her mind screamed, and she quickly looked away.
He didn't want her; he'd made that plain enough in the galley. She might not be the most attractive woman in the universe, but she did have her pride and she refused to abuse herself with lovesick glances for a man who had no use for her.
Alix raked the towel over her face and neck, purposefully scraping her skin in hopes of banishing him from her thoughts. He pulled the towel from her hands.
Shocked by his action, she looked up into those wonderful dark eyes. A smile played at the edges of his lips, but it wasn't the mocking smile she'd expected. Instead he appeared almost enchanted, or maybe deranged.
Devyn cupped her chin with his left hand while he patted her burning cheek with the towel. Alix trembled at the warmth of his fingers against her skin. Her chest tightened, her pulse raced, and a demanding need scorched the very essence of her. Why did he have to affect her this way? Why couldn't she just get up and walk away? She ignored the answer that echoed through her head.
"You haven't depleted too much body fluid, have you?" he asked, his low tone seeming like a shout in the stillness of the room.
"No," she said, her voice so breathless she wished she hadn't spoken.
A concerned frown lined his brow as he slid the cloth over her fevered skin. "You look flushed to me. Do you have a headache?"
Alix licked her lips, her gaze unintentionally gliding over his body. "I'm fine," she said past the lump that had appeared in her throat.
Devyn stared at her, his heart pounding so fiercely he thought it might actually break out of his chest and flop onto the floor.
Trying to alleviate the dryness of his throat, he swallowed. Alix watched him with a hooded expression he couldn't read. But she wasn't pulling away from him. He told himself to leave, but for some reason his feet wouldn't listen. All he could do was stare at her.
Her tank top hung low over her breasts, which glistened from her exercise. Devyn had always been attracted to a woman flushed by a workout. He wanted her. From the core of his desperate soul a cry started, calling out to him not to turn and walk away from this. From her. Before he could stop himself, he leaned down and captured her moist, sweet lips.
Alix gasped at the contact of his mouth against hers. All thoughts fled her mind and left her sitting there like a fool. She knew she should push him away. Instead, she opened her lips, welcoming him into her lonely, isolated world.
Inhaling the warm, spicy scent of him, she wrapped her arms around his strong shoulders, drawing him nearer, closer. She felt like the mythological tyrilian girbeast who allowed itself to be lured by a lover, knowing that at the end of the act its mate would only incinerate it, its life sacrificed for a moment's pleasure.
But she didn't care. Instead, she wished she could melt with Devyn, become part of his beautiful world where her ugliness wouldn't matter. Where the slave girl could be forgotten. A place where she could be free.
He pulled her tightly against the molten, steely wall of his chest, his mouth driving her to the brink of madness with each deep, probing kiss. His mouth teased hers, his tongue tracing the contours of her lips in a sensuous path that caused her body to erupt in heat.
His small gold disk slid under her shirt between the crevice of her breasts, brushing against her taut nipples, sending chills down her arms.
And his torture continued as he shifted his head and traced her jawbone, his teeth gently nipping as he went. Unbelievable delight shot through her, scorching, sizzling every piece of her. She arched toward him.
He pulled back from her lips only to dip his head down to her breasts. Alix moaned in pleasure. His tongue slid over the swell of her breasts, electrifying her, while he massaged her arms, her back, her buttocks. Her stomach tightened in response, a heated throb spread through her, demanding him, and she knew she would never want another man this way.
&n
bsp; "I want you, Alix," he whispered, lowering her to the floor.
Alix barely understood his words. Her head swam from giddy sensation as he lay atop her, pinning her against the floor. She reveled in the heavy feel of his body against hers. Running her hands down the muscled planes of his back, she smiled at the deep, throaty moan he yielded. He arched against her, sliding his body in an intimate caress that whetted her appetite for him all the more.
Oh, she wanted him. Only him.
Alix recaptured his lips with all the desperation inside her. No one had ever made her feel so desirable, so beautiful. Devyn was everything to her—all her childhood dreams of the handsome prince who would come rescue her and beat her father for all his abuse. Then the two of them would leave the rusty old freighter in a new, sparkling ship. Now her dream was happening.
The League 3: Paradise City Page 7