Distant Dreams

by Judith Pella

  “Ah, Carolina,” Joseph said with a spirited smile, and all heads turned en masse to welcome her. “Come sit so we can have our devotions and prayer.”

  The despair and disapproval Carolina had anticipated meeting with at this gathering was nowhere to be found. Even her mother was smiling as though in on a wonderful secret. Virginia giggled into Julia’s ear, while James seemed to stare, preoccupied, at the plate in front of him. Thankful his eyes were on the table and not on her, Carolina took her seat and waited in confused dread for what was to come. Only York appeared to be less than joyous with his black eye and swollen nose.

  Joseph picked up the large worn Bible that had accompanied him to breakfast for as long as Carolina could remember. “Psalm sixty-seven is the place of our Bible reading. ‘God be merciful unto us, and bless us; and cause his face to shine upon us; that thy way may be known upon earth, thy saving health among all nations. Let the people praise thee, O God; let all the people praise thee. O let the nations be glad and sing for joy: for thou shalt judge the people righteously, and govern the nations upon earth. Let the people praise thee, O God; let all the people praise thee. Then shall the earth yield her increase; and God, even our own God, shall bless us. God shall bless us; and all the ends of the earth shall fear him.’ So ends the psalmist.” Joseph closed the Bible and smiled upon his family. “We should always remember to praise God for His blessings. The earth is ripe to bear new crops, and our hearts should also bear witness of growth in His wisdom.”

  Carolina barely heard the words. She looked up to find James’ gaze upon her, but when he quickly looked away, Carolina was more mortified than before. He hates me, she thought. He hates me for my childishness last night at the party and for my unladylike manners in the garden.

  “God provides goodness in the wake of bad,” Joseph was saying, and Carolina found herself wondering if he would mention the party. Surely he wouldn’t be so heartless as to make her an example before her family and friends.

  “Let us bless the food and this day.” They all bowed in prayer while Joseph continued. “Heavenly Father, we thank you for the bounty you have provided. We thank you for the food upon our table and that which grows now in our fields. Your mercy has blessed us without measure, and we are humbled before you for the love you have bestowed upon us. In the name of our Savior, Jesus, amen.”

  “Amen,” the table chorused in unison.

  Carolina looked up, expecting her father to take his seat as usual, but instead he directed his attention to Virginia. “I believe there is an announcement that needs to be made.”

  York and Carolina seemed the only ones surprised by these words. Questioning her brother with her eyes, Carolina received a shrug and could only wait for her father to speak again.

  “I am very pleased to announce that James Baldwin has asked for Virginia’s hand in marriage. I have given my consent, as has Mrs. Adams. James, I want to be the first to welcome you into the family.” James stood and received a hearty handshake from Joseph, as well as a congratulatory slap on the back while Edith and Leland exchanged looks of conspiratorial satisfaction.

  Carolina felt her mouth go dry. She couldn’t look at James, and so she managed a weak smile at her sister. Virginia nodded with an air of smug satisfaction, while Georgia and Margaret, unable to contain their joy, hugged her simultaneously as the table erupted in hearty approval.

  “Has a date been agreed upon?” York questioned.

  “No, not yet. We’ve only just agreed to wed,” Virginia answered before anyone else could.

  “Well, no doubt you will want to do it before summer is out. No sense in letting a whole year pass by in planning and engagement parties,” Margaret said authoritatively. If this declaration shocked her guests, no one said so.

  Virginia nodded. “I think a summer wedding will be just what we both desire. Why, we might even use the gardens, where James proposed to me. But, of course, James and I should discuss this privately before making it a public issue.”

  “I couldn’t agree more,” Joseph remarked, taking his seat. James followed suit. “Now we should partake of this wonderful breakfast before it gets too cold.”

  “I, for one, am positively ravenous,” James announced with a grin. It seemed to Carolina he’d broken out of his mold of shocked silence. He dug into the platter of sausages before another word was spoken.

  Margaret regarded Carolina with an all-consuming look. “You are quite pale this morning, Carolina. Were you unable to sleep last night?”

  “I slept quite well, thank you. It just seemed morning came a bit earlier than usual.”

  York laughed at this. “I’ll say. It seemed to come a bit more painfully as well.”

  Joseph dismissed the remark with a disapproving look before turning to Carolina. “Daughter, I know I speak for all of us when I say we are deeply sorry for the disruption of your party. The Milfords had no right to say such things in your presence, and while I believe York to be a bit too quick to the fight, I suppose such a thing was taken completely out of his control. A coming-of-age party should be an occasion for joy and happiness, and I fully blame Burgess Milford for last night’s conclusion. That aside, however”—he smiled warmly at Carolina—“I believe the party came off quite well.” Approving murmurs came from around the table. “You were quite a vision, and you did your family proud.”

  Carolina almost felt the breath taken from her. No one seemed to think the party ruined after all.

  “Oh, and the gifts were simply divine,” her mother was saying. “So many priceless treasures. What a fine collection to add to your hope chest.” Again murmurs of approval sounded, this time mostly by the women.

  “Still, you look completely spent,” her father said, picking up his fork. “If you wish to remain home from church, your mother and I will allow it this once.”

  “Thank you, Father, Mother,” Carolina answered. “I would very much appreciate that.” She had nearly forgotten it was Sunday.

  “Maybe I should stay home as well,” York announced. “I’ve no doubt Burgess Milford will be doing likewise.”

  At this several of the men laughed aloud, but Carolina noted

  James was not among their numbers. Instead, James was staring directly at her. What did he mean to convey with his stern expression? she wondered.

  The words of a favorite poem suddenly came to mind and haunted her like nothing else could have:

  Oh, not to me, oh, not to me!

  That look of cold disdain—

  From others I could calmly brook

  The careless word—the chilling look

  But oh! from thee—’tis pain.

  And surely it was more pain than she’d ever known in her young life. It was all she could do to keep from bursting into tears and begging his forgiveness. And still, he stared at her with an unyielding look that seemed to question her without words. His eyes were searching hers as though looking for something he’d lost. The intensity was too much, and Carolina quickly looked away. She’d nearly made a fool of herself with her emotions bubbling over like a caldron aboil. There was no chance she would make that mistake again. Not if she had anything to say about it.

  38

  The Ship

  Eating leftover cake that afternoon, Carolina was finally beginning to laugh again. She listened to her father speak of the multiple blackened eyes in church that morning, including a most swollen-faced Burgess Milford, who eyed York throughout the service as if he would start the altercation all over again.

  Margaret overlooked the sport her menfolk were making of the serious breach of protocol and instead focused on her eldest daughter.

  “Well, Virginia, you are going to have a great deal to do in order to get ready for your wedding, especially if you and James still plan to have a summer wedding. There are many tasks ahead of you that will need your utmost attention. I, of course, will allow you freedom from helping me with the house. Carolina will take over your duties.”

  At this Caro
lina started and nearly dropped her fork. Margaret looked hesitantly to Joseph and then turned a stern gaze upon Carolina. “Your tutoring, of course, will no longer be a consideration. James will need time to seek employment as well as time to escort Virginia to the proper social events and so forth. Your new duties assisting me will keep you more than busy and will not allow you time to linger over books.”

  “But, Mother—” Carolina cast a desperate look at her father, who was conveniently looking in the other direction.

  Margaret waved away any further protest. “It’s already settled.

  Your father released James from his tutoring duties this morning.”

  Carolina knew the look she gave James was an accusatory one. His eyes seemed to plead with her for understanding, but he said nothing. It was Virginia who spoke.

  “Carolina will find it much more difficult but far more satisfying to set about the business of housekeeping and such. And I heard Sarah Armstrong mention her brother Daniel is already quite interested in my little sister. There may not be much time for Carolina to learn everything she needs to know before she finds herself engaged as well.” The words were spoken lightly, but Carolina noted a trace of sarcasm in their delivery.

  “How delightful!” Margaret exclaimed at this news. “Daniel Armstrong is a fine young man.”

  “Delightful for whom?” Carolina blurted without thinking. All faces turned to stare in surprise at this outburst.

  “Carolina,” her mother began in a tone that made clear her disapproval, “you have been given your freedom for too long. You show a clear lack of appreciation for what you’ve enjoyed. I will not have you spoil your sister’s happy day with childish tantrums. Surely you do not wish for James to witness your disgruntled nature.”

  Carolina bit back an angry retort. She really didn’t care at this point what James witnessed of her, but nonetheless she chose her next words carefully. “I have no argument in helping you run Oakbridge. This is my home, and I love it. However, I have not one whit of interest in becoming the wife of Daniel Armstrong. To encourage such a thing would be to live a lie.”

  Margaret chuckled. “No one said you had to marry Daniel Armstrong. There are many eligible young men in the area. Now, I am sure we don’t want to bore our guests further with a family discussion.”

  “We can talk later if you like, Carolina,” Joseph said rather helplessly.

  Carolina shrugged as if she didn’t care, but she had to keep her hands clenched into fists so she wouldn’t cry. The rest of the time was torment, but she kept her mouth closed. When the guests finally departed and her father beckoned her into the parlor, she almost refused. She felt as though he had betrayed her, too. But, of course, she could not be so disrespectful of him and she followed. Her mother was already there.

  “Carolina,” Joseph said gently, “I am sorry for how your birthday has turned out. I know what high expectations a girl has for her sixteenth birthday—”

  “I don’t care about that, Papa!”

  “Carolina! Don’t interrupt your father,” Margaret warned.

  “I’m sorry. It’s just that what really bothers me is losing my chance at getting an education. I enjoy my book learning,” Carolina said, trying to ignore her mother’s furrowing brow. “I’m not trying to act the part of spoiled child, but I fail to see why the one thing I love should be taken from me.”

  “There is no reason you can’t have your books, child,” Joseph broke in. “The library is still at your disposal, and I will bring home new volumes whenever possible.”

  “Now, now, Mr. Adams,” Margaret chided. “You mustn’t encourage the child to neglect her duties. This house does not run itself. There is a great deal to manage. Why the overseeing of the house slaves alone—”

  “I understand,” Joseph interrupted. “I simply see no reason to put an end to all of her studies. Granted, James will be about his own business, but she learns quite well on her own, and there is our joint interest in the railroad. Carolina is an important part of that.” He looked tenderly at Carolina, and she could almost forgive how he seemed to have turned on her earlier. He continued. “I believe we can fit everything into a day. Besides, there is the trip north that I promised her.”

  Margaret said nothing more, but the look on her face told Carolina she was clearly disturbed by this turn of events. Carolina felt tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Her throat ached fiercely where a solid lump formed to mark her misery. She held her breath and bit her tongue to keep from focusing on her fate, but nothing could take the words from her brain. She was losing everything.

  Asking as politely as possible to be excused, Carolina made her way to her room. She vaguely remembered the words of her father’s morning Scripture reading. Something about God’s blessings and praises being offered up to Him.

  “I don’t feel much like thanking you for these things,” Carolina murmured in prayer. “I feel more like you have deserted me, and instead of making your face to shine upon me, it seems you have turned it away.”

  Spying her books on the dressing table, Carolina marched across the room and, with an angry swipe, scattered them from the table to the floor. They landed with a loud resounding crash upon the wood, heaped in hapless disorder, much like Carolina’s dreams.

  When the last of his things were loaded into his father’s carriage, James excused himself to attend to what he termed unfinished business. Carolina had avoided him all week, and now that he was leaving, James was determined to make her face him and allow him to explain—though exactly what he had to explain he didn’t quite know. He only knew something had to be said. He knew she blamed him for the demise of her schooling. He didn’t want her to give up on her dreams because of him.

  On top of all else, two days after the party the old slave Granny had died. He knew Carolina was grieved and deeply sorrowed by the announcement, for the slave woman had been a special person in her life.

  He left his father and Joseph discussing cotton prices and new methods of shipping and bounded up the grand staircase in search of his elusive friend. The library, the one room he expected to find her in, revealed nothing but the silent rows of books on their shelves. These were her true friends, and even if they’d been capable of speech, they’d not betray their mistress, James was certain.

  The music room was empty, as was the main sitting room and more intimate family parlor. Knowing it to be a bold move, James cautiously made his way to Carolina’s bedroom. His knock caused the door to open, revealing the room in its feminine splendor but missing the object of his search. He didn’t know what compelled him, but he found himself stepping into the room. Perhaps it was the lingering scent of lilacs and rose water that so reminded him of her. On the dressing table were stacks of books and beside these were several sheets of paper and a pen and inkwell. A closer look revealed the papers to be a copy of the American Railroad Journal, and on one page someone, presumably Carolina, had circled something of interest.

  Picking up the journal, James saw it was a poem entitled “The Ship.” No author was given, but the first stanza was circled, and James read it aloud: “Where art thou going? Far away. To seek a distant shore. . . . Gaze ye upon me while ye may; you will not see me more.”

  A breeze outside caused the curtains at the open window to flutter, and James returned the paper to the table and went to peer outside. There on the lawn near the flowering orchards, Carolina walked alone. He watched her for several moments, forgetting all about the impropriety of being in her bedroom. She looked so consumed with her emotions that James wondered if she even realized he was leaving on this day. Surely, if her mind had not been grieved with her losses, she would have at least made the proper appearances to bid him farewell.

  He nearly called from the window, then stopped himself as the curtain again caught the wind. The touch of the material against his face brought into perspective his position. Glancing down he saw something white sticking out from beneath the window-seat cushion. Taking them in ha
nd, James smiled. They were Carolina’s smudged gloves. Once, when they had been alone studying the principles of steam, she had confided to him about her soiled gloves. He lifted them to his nose the way she’d described having done a thousand times. The faint scent of grease brought an ironic smile to his lips. It was almost more nostalgic of Carolina than rose water. Gently he ran his finger along the black stains. Looking from the gloves to the woman outside, an idea struck him. James tucked the gloves in his pocket. He determined to go to Carolina and offer her an encouraging word. He would hold the gloves up as a banner of hope and endurance. He would remind her of her dream and hold her accountable for the future of it.

  “There you are!” Leland exclaimed as James descended the stairs. “I thought I might have to send out a search party. Come along, your mother was expecting us an hour ago.”

  James started to protest, but Leland was already moving him with huffing and gasping strides to the carriage. “We must hurry. Joseph, I will be in touch with you regarding that matter of shipping,” Leland remarked.

  “James, I’m certain we will soon be seeing you. You are always welcome, as you know.”

  James took Joseph’s extended hand, but his gaze roamed to the fields beyond. Carolina was nowhere in sight, and for reasons beyond his understanding, James felt a hollow emptiness in her absence. He could just tell them to wait while he had a word with Carolina. Yet suddenly all the words he had thought of saying seemed so lame. He was letting her down. What good would it do to prattle on about her dreams but to ease his conscience? It might make her even more angry at him.