If Your Wife Only Knew

by Cydney Rax

  “Shrimp. I want some good breaded jumbo shrimp.” She searched until she found what she was looking for. And when she grabbed two boxes of the seafood, she twirled around. Her eyes rested on a man whose oval-shaped head she knew like the back of her hand.

  He wasn’t facing her and didn’t see her. He was farther down the aisle closer to the frozen veggies. A little boy stood next to him, lost in his own little world, making helicopter noises and jabbering away like self-absorbed kids do.

  She watched her boss bark orders. And she witnessed her lover quickly obeying. Alexis hadn’t heard from Rashad since the previous Thursday. He’d skipped last Sunday’s trip to Glynis’s. So she went alone.

  She felt breathless and hurt. Alexis decided to cut this shopping trip short. Just when she was maneuvering her basket to get away, Kiara walked up to Alexis.

  “Hey, admin. I didn’t know you lived on this side of town.”

  “I-I don’t.”

  “Rashad, look who we ran into today.”

  “Hello. Long time no see,” he said with a nervous look on his face.

  “Oh, it hasn’t been that long,” Alexis said.

  “Huh?” Rashad asked. He had a pleading look in his eyes; like he was begging a woman with a loaded gun not to pull the trigger.

  “I see him all the time.”

  “Oh, really? Where do you see him?”

  “She sees me driving around the city in my van. That’s what she’s talking about,” Rashad interjected.

  “Men are a trip.” Alexis smiled.

  Myles began whining for popsicles. Kiara went over to console her son.

  “I don’t think she heard me,” Alexis said to Rashad in a low voice. “Stop looking like you’re about to shit on yourself.”

  He made a gesture like he’d call her.

  She shrugged and turned around to look up into the kind face of the man she ran into earlier.

  “Hey, it’s you again. The nice guy. It’s so rare to meet decent guys these days.” She laughed and glanced back at Rashad, who was staring like he couldn’t believe she knew any other man besides him. His arrogance is what annoyed her most about him, but it was also what drew her to him.

  “Thanks for the compliment,” the man told her.

  “Do you live in this area?” she asked.

  “No, I just like shopping in this Kroger. But if I’m blessed, one day I plan to own a home out here. It’s so peaceful by the lakes. And there’s some good fishing out this way.”

  “Oh, really?”

  When the man took a couple minutes to talk to her, she could feel Rashad’s eyes boring a hole on the side of her face.

  “My name is Varnell Brown, by the way. Good to meet you.”

  “I’m Alexis McNeil. Good to meet you, too.” She found herself blushing as she tried to concentrate on everything he was saying.

  Alexis gave Varnell her number when he asked. She let him type his info in her iPhone. Rashad shot her a stony look but she didn’t care.

  All she cared about was making sure Rashad saw her. She hoped he was seeing her for the very first time.

  After she got home from shopping it took no time to put away the few groceries she bought. She had nothing else to do so she went upstairs to her bedroom and turned on the television. She then went to stand in the doorway of her walk-in closet. Alexis owned one hundred fifty pairs of shoes and dozens of suits, dresses, slacks, and blouses. Most of the items she had purchased with money that a previous lover gave her.

  Alexis dug out some of her favorite designer bags and spread them on the bed. She admired them for a few minutes, thinking about how good she looked whenever she wore them. Then she crawled in bed and lay down next to them. She wrapped her arms around a couple of her thousand-dollar satchels. A large lump formed in her throat. She began crying uncontrollably.

  “God, please help me. Show me a sign that you care about me.” When nothing noticeable happened, Alexis wept so violently her entire body pulsated. She gasped and whimpered until she eventually gave into sleep. She lay on her side with her purses pressed against her bosom.

  An hour later, her doorbell rang. She went downstairs to open the door.

  When she saw it was Rashad, she looked surprised.

  “I’m spending the night tonight.”

  “Really?” her voice crackled.

  “Yes.”

  “How’d you manage that?”

  “I made up an excuse. And now I’m here.”

  She walked barefoot outside and saw his white van with the ladder rack parked in her driveway. Rashad held a backpack in his hand.

  “You should have called first. You never know. I could have made other plans.”

  “I am your plans. And don’t you forget it.”

  Once Alexis realized that Rashad was serious and he was hers for the night, she became a different person.

  “You are a sonofabitch and you got a lot of nerve doing the shit you do.”

  “I love you, too.”

  She invited him in and offered to cook. But he said, “No. that’s all right, sweetie. Let’s order delivery.” And they did. He bought forty dollars’ worth of Asian grub. To Alexis, it felt like Christmas, even though she knew he was doing it for another reason.

  “I know your birthday is this Saturday. But I’m booked solid.”

  “What else is new?”

  “That’s why I got you this.”

  He reached inside the backpack and pulled out a tiny black box.

  Alexis offered him a delighted smile. “Hmm, what are you up to, Rashad?” She snapped open the box and pulled out a dainty sterling silver charm bracelet. It was outlined by sparkling diamonds.

  “Babe, you gotta be joking! Didn’t this cost a grip?”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “How were you able to buy this and get away with it?” He’d told her how he got busted with the lunch receipt and had to be more careful.

  “I went to the library and ordered it off craigslist. I met the seller outside a Home Depot with a contractor of mine. Everything went smooth.”

  “I just feel so . . . how can I accept this when . . .”

  “It’s okay. You’re my homie. I care about you. I don’t think you know that.”

  “I don’t like being called your homie, but it’s good to know that you care.”

  Rashad slid the bracelet on her wrist, hugged her and kissed her. “Happy birthday with your old ass.”

  “I’m only turning twenty-three. That’s not that old.” She hesitated. “I hope this isn’t a substitute for you. ’Cause I’d rather have time with you than the stuff you give me. It’s nice but it’s just stuff.”

  “Then give it back.”

  “You must be out your mind.” She lovingly caressed her new jewelry. “I will treasure it always. You did good. I love you, babe.”

  “Enough of that. I’m starving. Can you go make me some lemonade?” Rashad asked her.

  She complied and went downstairs to make a fresh gallon. She added ice cubes to his glass and brought it up to him.

  “You’re bae today,” he told her.

  Then together they opened each little carton of food and had a feast.

  He was stuffing his mouth with a forkful of grub. “What good new movies do you have?”

  She went to the oak cabinet, opened the door, and he pored over her collection of films. Alexis liked romance, adventure, and horror films.

  “All this shit is old. Why don’t we stream some movies? Let’s watch the latest Hunger Games movie.”

  “That’s what’s up,” she told him.

  While he was still chewing on his food, he grabbed his glass of lemonade and started gulping it. Soon he began gasping.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  He tried to talk but couldn’t. He motioned at his throat.

  Alexis sprang into action. She made him stand up and she got behind him. She supported his chest with one hand and made him lean forward. She gave him a f
ew abdominal thrusts. Soon he began to breathe normally.

  “Thanks, babe. I hate when food feels like it’s stuck in my throat. I keep forgetting that when I eat too fast I almost choke to death.”

  Alexis was grateful that he was okay, but she wondered what would ever happen if he had an emergency while he was at her house. Who would she call and how would she explain him being with her?

  That night when they made love, Alexis was friskier than normal.

  “Sit over there.”

  He immediately jumped up and took a seat on an armchair.

  She removed her bra and panties and sat on top of Rashad, facing him.

  They started kissing and he felt all over her ass, then sucked her tits.

  He took off his boxers and she grabbed his dick and stuffed it in her pussy.

  “You like this?” she asked. Alexis began singing Rihanna’s “Birthday Cake.” He stroked her real good while she hopped up and down on him. Rashad clutched her long hair in his hands while she arched her neck. She opened up her mouth and let out a long, roaring shriek. Her entire body shuddered. She kept repeating, “I love this. I love you.” Alexis held Rashad’s head between her hands and released all the sexual frustration she’d been having. She wanted Rashad so bad. He may still have belonged to Kiara, but as wrong as it was, Alexis felt no shame in having him with her all night.

  They held each other tight as the light of the moon glistened through her window and cast ghostly shadows on her wall.

  Rashad slipped out before the sun rose. Alexis stayed in bed as long as she could, relishing the memory of his presence and missing him already.

  She later got out of bed, took a shower, and got dressed so she could prepare a Sunday brunch.

  She brought in a plate stacked with hotcakes to her mother, who was sitting up in bed. She set the plate on a TV tray next to the bed.

  “How you doing, Mama?”

  Mona frowned at the plate of food.

  “You must not be doing too well, but hopefully if you eat something you’ll get to feeling better.” Alexis patted her mother’s messy looking red hair and kissed it. Alexis felt like she just kissed one of the wig-wearing creatures on the Planet of the Apes. She started roaring with laughter at her mom’s crazy-looking hair.

  Her mother shoved the plate of food onto the floor. Syrupy pancakes stuck to the carpet. Scrambled eggs lay scattered next to them.

  “I’ll feel a whole lot better once you stop disrespecting me.”

  “Mama, why’d you do that? What you talking about?”

  “You heard me, Alexis. I didn’t raise you to do what you’re doing.”

  “So I’m not supposed to fix your meals?”

  “I’m not talking about the stupid pancakes and the dumb eggs. I’m talking about all that noise you made all night. I had to cover my ears and I still heard you.”

  “Oh. Well. I-I don’t know what to say.”

  “You may pay bills and help me out around here but you still gots to give me the respect I deserve.”

  “Okay, I will try not to be so loud next time.”

  “There won’t be a next time.”

  “As long as I have needs, there will be a next time.”

  “Then you better go rent a hotel room ’cause I know that woman ain’t gone let you sleep with her man in her own house.”

  “Rent a what? You must be losing your mind. Did you remember to take all your medicine?”

  “Don’t blame my common sense on some damned sickness. The sickness is that I failed at being a better mother. If you hadn’t been so fast running around at fourteen doing things you had no business doing. Sneaking boys in the house while I was gone trying to make money.”

  “Mama, where is this all coming from? Like, last time we talked, you were fine. But I haven’t actually spoken to you in days.”

  “Not my fault. I can barely get out the bed so if you haven’t talked to me it’s because you found better things to do than come check on me.”

  “No. I’ve been here. And I have checked on you. You were asleep.”

  “I don’t know where you’ve been.”

  “Look, lady. If I wasn’t at work or taking care of my business, I was here. I’m always here. That’s the problem.”

  “Why be here? Did y’all two break up or something?”

  “Huh? I don’t know why you’re asking me that. That’s not something I feel comfortable—”

  “Oh, so you don’t feel comfortable talking about that married man that you always sneaking into my house like you’re a teenager, but you have no problem yelling as loud as you can while you’re slapping skins with him? You gone end up with two kids instead of just that one.”

  Alexis felt like the insides of her stomach rose up in her throat and blocked her ability to breathe. Her mama loved little Hayley to death and she enjoyed every moment when Alexis brought her granddaughter over to the house a couple times a month, but it had always bothered her that her daughter messed around with Rashad and got pregnant by him. She stuck by Alexis during her pregnancy, but when her daughter went into premature labor, she knew then that her young child wouldn’t have the means or maturity to care for the baby. That’s when Glynis volunteered to help care for Hayley.

  “My ending up with his child wasn’t totally my fault.”

  “That’s what’s wrong with you. You won’t accept responsibility for anything. If you plant corn, you gone get corn. If you do dirt, you gone get dirt. You planting the wrong seed and that’s why the wrong stuff keeps popping up in your life.”

  Alexis placed her hands over her ears. She watched her mother’s mouth continue moving. She heard the muffled anger and squeezed her hands over her ears even tighter.

  When her mother noticed Alexis’s attempt to shut her out, she struggled until she could swing her feet to the side of the bed. Once Mona felt stronger, she rose to shaky feet.

  She removed Alexis’s hands from her ears and patted her on top of her head.

  “I know you don’t wanna hear it and that’s fine. But I need to tell you the truth. We all make our own choices, and I told you a thousand times not to mess around with certain folk. It can get you in trouble that ain’t worth its pain.”

  “It sounds like you’re telling me you regret having me. Like I was a mistake.”

  “You’re not a mistake ’cause God don’t make mistakes, darling. And yes, it’s been rough, but I don’t regret having you. But falling in love with your father, that wasn’t right. It brought so much heartache. And I never wanted you to know the same type of pain.”

  “I never wanted to have feelings for Rashad . . . or anyone else.”

  “You only had one man, a good man, and somehow you messed that one up.”

  “You know what, if I told you once, I told you twice that Patterson Currie, that good man that you think got away, he wasn’t so good, Mama. He messed up my life.”

  Alexis had met Patterson Currie when she was seventeen and working at her first job as a cashier at a smoothie shop. He told her she could make thousands of dollars as a model. Alexis decided to listen to him and go for it. She quit her job and got booked for shows at all the local malls. She made money and had fun. She was shocked and pleased when he gave her the two-seater Benz and other gifts. And sex with Patterson was amazing. But when she got pregnant, he sprung the news that he was married with four sons, and she’d better get an abortion because if she gained weight, her modeling days would be over. Alexis cried when she realized he didn’t care about her. She was so ashamed she didn’t dare tell a soul, so she took herself to get an abortion.

  “As my daughter you never should sign up for anything just to be with a man. You deserve better. I deserved better.”

  “This ain’t about you.”

  “As long as you’re living here, it affects me, sweetie. And if that punk really cared, he wouldn’t come by for a few hours and leave. If he loved you, he would never leave you, for any reason. For any woman. For anything.”
r />   “But—”

  “Most married men won’t leave their real family for a mistress.”

  Her words hurt Alexis so much. “S-sometimes it happens.”

  Mona sadly told her, “It didn’t happen to me so why would you believe he’s going to do that for you?”

  “Because I know Rashad loves me.”

  “That clown don’t love you. He don’t spend major holidays with you. He ain’t there every time you need him. Quit wasting your time with a lying cheater, and get your do-nothing life together. Stop making a fool of yourself.”

  Mona’s words made her tremble with anger. The truth tore at her guts and was good at making Alexis feel worthless.

  As she fled her mother’s presence, Alexis accidentally stepped on the pancakes. She picked up the food and put it back on the plate. Syrup stuck to her shoe and made squishy noises when she went down the steps. She ran to the kitchen and dumped the rest of the breakfast into the trash can. Then she sat down, laid her forehead on the table, and stroked the charm bracelet Rashad gave her and wept so loud she didn’t care if Mona heard her.

  Chapter 7

  “You fell asleep where, doing what?” Kiara yawned as she questioned her husband. It was five in the morning. Her pupils were red. It felt like dirt was stuck to her eyelids. She got no sleep the night before. But when she heard the garage door open, she stopped Rashad before he could get in. He appeared exhausted.

  “I fell asleep at one of the renovation houses I worked at. When I woke up, it was morning. And I came straight home. Is any coffee made?”

  “That doesn’t even sound right, Rashad.”

  “Well, regardless, that’s what happened. I feel like crap, too; that floor was hard as concrete. Hell, it was concrete.”

  Rashad vigorously rubbed his back and a stupid grin formed on his face.

  “Give me a massage?”

  “Negro, please. You should have let whoever you were with last night massage your back.”