Butterfly Girl

by Greenleigh Adams

  “You can sit next to me,” I said, pointing to the empty side of the bench where I sat.

  “Won’t your girlfriend get upset?” the little boy asked while glancing over his shoulder at my now snickering sister.

  “I’m not his girlfriend, silly.” Her little voice squeaked, and she playfully slapped the little boy on his shoulder. “I’m his sister.”

  I interrupted her quickly. “But she is also my best friend,” I said proudly.

  “Well, as long as she doesn’t mind.” Relief washed over his face.

  I stood to let him squeeze past me to the seat next to the window so I could continue to sit near the aisle next to Charlie.

  “We can all be best friends,” Charlie offered with a smile full of missing teeth.

  It turned out that Louis and I had the same teacher, and with my last name of Callahan and his being Coleman, we sat right next to each other in class.

  Recess that day was so much fun. Although I made a new friend, I couldn’t wait to see my sister on the playground. Those first few hours of school were the longest I had ever been away from her. Charlie happily welcomed our new friend into our time together, and the three of us had a great time playing four square and tetherball.

  I was bummed about going back to class after recess, but even at five years old, I recognized that there would be many more recesses to have, so I said bye to my sister and returned to my classroom with Louis. At the end of the day, Louis and I climbed onto the school bus to head back home.

  There was a different driver and considerably more kids on the bus in the afternoon than in the morning. And as I surveyed the rows of seats, I recognized that there was no separation between boys and girls.

  “I saved a seat next to me,” Charlie said to our new friend and me, patting the area next to her on the bench.

  Louis’s eyes darted briefly in my direction before he scrambled to snatch the seat next to my sister, leaving me abandoned in the middle of the aisle. I couldn’t believe he stole the seat next to Charlie. He stole the seat next to my best friend. That seat was meant for me.

  But when I watched the happy grin unfold across Charlie’s face once he chose to sit next to her, I couldn’t stay upset with him.

  Honestly, I had never been able to stay upset with either of them. They were both my best friends. So every day for the rest of elementary school, Louis and I had sat next to each other on the ride to school, and Charlie and Louis shared a seat on the ride home.

  A week after my visit to the emergency room, I told Charlie that I had texted Louis. He hadn’t returned to town as far as I could tell, and Charlie missed him terribly. Hell, I missed him, too. He’d been gone for five years, and I didn’t think I missed him as much as I had over the last few days.

  Charlie: What did you say to him?

  Cameron: I asked him if he was EVER coming home again

  Charlie: And what did he say?

  Cameron: He said eventually…that he just needed some time to himself for a little bit.

  Charlie: So how did you respond?

  Cameron: I told him I understood and to let me know when he was in town again. I told him it was good to have my friend back here. Then he just said, “will do.” I haven’t heard anything else since.

  Charlie: Thanks for the update.

  A strange, guilt-ridden feeling hit the pit of my stomach, and I had an intense urge to call her. I hadn’t spoken with her in several days. I’d thought texting would be easier after the way I had acted when I saw her in the ER. But I needed to speak with her. She was technically the older twin, but I had always felt like I needed to look after her. So I found myself frantically punching the touch screen of my phone to reach her.

  “Hey, Cam.” At least she didn’t sound pissed. Instead, her voice was cool and smooth.

  “Are you okay? I mean…should I not talk about Louis anymore with you? I don’t want to upset you.” I wasn’t exactly sure how to handle the situation between my sister and Louis, but I wanted to help.

  She laughed at my comment, and I felt a rush of relief flow through me knowing that she truly wasn’t upset with me. “Of course you can talk about him. He’s your best friend.”

  “No. You are my best friend.” I increased the cadence of my voice in an attempt to emphasize how important she was to me.

  “I know. But I’m still hopeful that someday we will all be able to get past this whole fiasco and move on…as friends.” Sure, I wanted that, too. But more importantly, I wanted them to finally realize what they had.

  “I hope we get to that point again, too.” I let out a forced sigh before continuing. “So…about Alexis.”

  “Cam…I’m sorry. I haven’t had a good opportunity to talk with her privately.” She sucked in a deep breath through the line in typical Charlie fashion like she had something difficult to say. “All the nurses I work with have a crush on you, so I don’t want any of them hearing me talk about you to Alexis. If they thought I played matchmaker for my brother, they would soon all be hitting me up for a chance to go out with you.” My sister always found a way to brighten my spirit and make me laugh.

  “You have to fight them off me, Lean Bean?”

  “As if you don’t already know they are all infatuated with you.” Okay, so maybe I had a clue about that.

  “They are good for my ego for sure.”

  “You are a pig. A disgusting pig. I don’t even understand why you want to go out with Alexis. She is hardly your type.”

  “And what is my type exactly?” If anyone could shed light on all things Cam, it would be Charlie. She was the only person who had literally known me since birth, with the exception of my parents, and perhaps my older sister, Claudette.

  A stifled laugh came across the line. “You know. Blonde with big boobs.”

  I actually thought about her comment and took a moment to reflect on the ghosts of dating past. I guess I had never dated a girl who didn’t fit that profile. Apparently, I’d made it this far completely unaware of my own pattern.

  Crap. That was my problem. “I gotta go, Lean Bean. Talk with you again soon.”

  I rushed to end the call as I felt a wave of uncertainty pull me under. Although I always seemed to date only beautiful blondes who had considerable cleavage, I still had minimal interest in them for longer than a date or two. If I wasn’t interested in that type of woman, then why would I continue to pursue them?

  I was definitely interested in Alexis in a different way, and not just because she showed no interest in going out with me. This wasn’t about a chase. I was drawn to her and needed to figure out a way to get her to see me as someone other than the flirty brother of her co-worker. Oh, God! She probably thinks I’m a man-whore!

  The superficial types were probably okay with dating someone who had tons of conquests, but a woman that I could be serious with? A woman with depth and layers that I could take to meet my family and friends? I needed to figure out how to lose the persona I’d evoked since puberty for that to happen.

  I never figured I had any inner demons, but now that they’d surfaced, I couldn’t seem to shake them loose from the hold they had on me.

  I wasn’t sure exactly what had triggered my dive into the deep end of my soul. Maybe it was the rejection from Alexis and the realization that a woman like her would never be interested in someone like me. Maybe it was seeing how my sister and the man she so obviously loved were unable to get things right between them. I mean, if they couldn’t make a relationship work, then how could someone like me?

  I retreated into my apartment…and into my head. Maybe I just needed to talk with Lean Bean. She was my confidant, but I wasn’t exactly certain what was going on with me. So it wasn’t like I’d even be able to tell her. I was pretty sure I wasn’t having a nervous breakdown, but then again, that thought wasn’t entirely infallible.

  Obviously, I had a lot on my mind. I’d been having trouble falling asleep, and when I managed to sleep, I had some very vivid dreams. Between w
hatever was going on with my sister and Louis and my self-reflection regarding my relationship status, it’d made for a tumultuous slumber.

  I hated seeing a girl cry. I swear, when my sister Claudette cried, she always got whatever she wanted. Boys weren’t supposed to cry, so I wouldn’t be able to get what I wanted very easily. Charlie didn’t cry as much as Claudette, thank goodness. Then again, she was definitely tougher, braver, and stronger than my older sister.

  When I walked onto the bus after my first day of second grade, Charlie and Louis were next to each other, just as they were every day on the ride home after school. Therefore, I had to find someone else to sit next to. The bus was always crowded in the afternoon, so there were very few seats left.

  I shuffled my feet as I walked slowly down the aisle, eyeing the empty seats along the way. Danny Boogers, the kid who ate crunchy snot that he removed from his nostrils… No. Stinky Stanley, the kid who farted just so people had to smell his stench… No. Eats-her-hair Elise, the girl who chewed her braids… No. New girl crying in her seat… I guess that was the best choice.

  “Can I sit by you?” I reflexively whispered to the little girl in an attempt to avoid scaring her in her saddened state.

  She sniffled and slid in toward the window so I could sit near the aisle. No words passed through her quivering lips. Only quiet sobs leaked out of her like a wounded spirit.

  “Why are you crying?” I couldn’t not say anything. “Didn’t you have a good first day at school?”

  She hiccupped another sob, and the tears continued to slide down her swollen, reddened face. I probably should’ve sat next to the booger eater, or the farter, or the hair eater. This torture was worse, but the bus was moving, and I wasn’t allowed to switch to another seat once the doors were closed.

  “I like school. Kindergarten is good. I just don’t want to go home.” Sniffles sprinkled between her clipped words.

  I wasn’t sure why she wouldn’t want to go home. I couldn’t wait to go home. Then I could play with both of my best friends. Maybe she didn’t have a best friend. Maybe that was why she was sad.

  I swung my lunch box into my lap and unzipped the canvas tote. When I peered inside, I retrieved a small, wrapped chocolate bar. “You can have my Kit Kat.” It was my way of letting her know I would be her friend.

  She timidly grabbed the bite-size candy from my palm. A quick smile caught some of her tears in the creases, and she gave me a hushed thank you. Then, just like that, she stopped crying. That was when I had learned that chocolate made girls happy. I learned a little later that coffee made girls happy, too.

  I hadn’t spoken to Charlie the last several days. She’d worked three nights in a row, and two of those shifts were with Alexis. Although purposeful, not going up to the hospital to see her still felt odd. I’d brought her coffee at least once a week since she started working in the emergency room over a year ago. However, I wasn’t ready to see my sister, who apparently knew things about me that I hadn’t yet figured out. And I really wasn’t ready to see the mysterious girl who’d had me so intrigued. I was determined to learn more about Alexis first. I had never been the type of guy who dug deep down into what a girl was truly about. Maybe that made me a jackass, but no other girl had ever held my interest like Alexis did.

  Maybe it was my newfound maturity that had me yearning for more than a one-night fling, causing me to look for a girl who could offer more. And there I was with swirling thoughts again. I really needed to get ahold of myself.

  Charlie would realize that I had been ignoring her, so I wasn’t surprised when she texted me.

  Charlie: Are you upset with me? I haven’t seen you all week.

  Cameron: Sorry. Just been busy that’s all. I hoped she wouldn’t realize that I was lying. I didn’t usually lie to her. I may have withheld the truth from our older sister a time or two growing up, but I trusted Charlie with everything. She was the person I shared secrets with, even if she wasn’t exactly the most perceptive person.

  It was only another moment before my phone buzzed, and I saw her name and number dance across my screen again. I didn’t pick up right away, which she would realize was odd for me. But I was still caught up in my thoughts, so I didn’t answer her call before it went to voicemail.

  Charlie: Either answer your phone or I will hunt you down. It’s your choice, but you will end up talking to me.

  I could tell she was serious, and she wouldn’t back down, so I promptly called her back.

  “Hey, Cam,” she answered coolly, even though she was undoubtedly annoyed and worried about my silence toward her for almost an entire week.

  “Hey, Charlie.” Great. Now she would be extra suspicious. I even did a mental slap of my forehead. I didn’t call her Lean Bean. That had been my nickname for her since I could talk. Instead of calling her Charlene, I started calling her Lean. At some point, Bean was added, and it stuck.

  “Can you meet for lunch?” This was her extending an olive branch and hoping I would accept it. I hated that she felt like she had done something wrong.

  “Is everything all right?” My voice hitched slightly. I was worried about her, and she was worried about me. This was typical of our relationship.

  “I just want to have lunch with my brother. Is that okay?” I was so happy to have a sibling like her. I didn’t get a brother like most boys wanted, but I got the best sister possible.

  “Fine. The diner in fifteen?” I guess it was time for me to be honest with her. I had to tell someone what had been on my mind the last several days. It might as well be the one person in the world I could always count on.

  “I’ll be there.” Happiness resonated from her voice. I wished she and Louis could be happy together. And I wanted happiness for myself, too.

  Charlie was already seated in a booth when I walked in.

  She took one look at my messy hair and the clothes I’d worn for a couple of days before donning a shocked expression. “What the hell happened to you?” No need to beat around the bush. Like I said, she was always very direct when it came to me.

  I approached the booth and slid onto the vinyl-covered bench to sit across from her. “We probably should have met at my place or yours,” I said after witnessing her judgmental expression over my most unkempt self.

  “Are you okay?” I guess the several days of stubble on my face gave away my conflicted state.

  A quiver developed in my jaw. The uncertainty of my wandering thoughts stretched out over the last few days caused a bubble to grow in my gut. I wanted to figure out what was going on with me, and maybe she could help. I clasped my hands across the back of my neck and peered upward to the ceiling. I craved her advice, but somehow, I found it difficult to meet her eyes. Continuing to stare upward, I finally spoke. “I don’t know. Is this what life’s about for me?”

  The silence pulled my head back to its proper position, following an exasperated breath from me, once again aligning my eyes with the face of the only woman I had ever loved besides my mother. The worry on her face was completely transparent. I had always been the philosophical one, and she had always been the practical one. It seemed as though the male-female stereotypes were reversed for us, but that had always been the case. She always saw things as black and white, while I tended to see the many shades of gray. Therefore, I would have to try to explain myself to a very matter-of-fact person.

  My thumbs found the bridge of my nose as I dipped forward, and my brows moved inward as I pinched that spot causing me to squeeze my eyes shut. “We’re not kids anymore.” I said quieter than I intended. I bolstered more strength before speaking again and forced my eyes open, even though I stared at the table while my thumbs still cradled that spot between my brows. “I’m twenty-three years old. I graduated college, and I got a job. But where am I going?” My shoulders slumped forward, though I still refused to make eye contact with her. “I go out with girls, I flirt, I have fun, but I never commit to anything serious.” Silence from her side of the table surrounded m
e as I continued to bear my innermost feelings.

  Charlie was always patient with me. I needed to get some things out, so she waited for me to continue without prodding. Thinking she might understand in a way no one else could, I felt more comfortable pulling my gaze to her and dropping my arms to my sides.

  I hid my hands beneath the table as I leaned toward her, making sure I had her undivided attention. “So that’s all I get in return—girls that like the way I look but aren’t looking for anything serious, either.” Desperate for her help, I outwardly begged for advice. “Are you going to say anything?” Pleading wasn’t something I expected to do, but there I was, seeking help from the only person I trusted my heart to.

  “I was waiting for you to finish.” Her perplexed expression stared back at me after my confession. Usually, I exuded confidence, but today, I was showing vulnerability. I had probably thrown her for a loop, and she was unsure what to say.

  “I’m finished.” I searched her eyes as if she was going to shed some light on my emotional crisis.

  “Cameron, you know I’m not the one to come to for relationship advice. I am obviously lacking in experience myself.” Even though she was going through a relationship dilemma, I certainly didn’t consider her inexperienced in the love category. She was a female, after all.

  “I have been feeling on edge lately.” More like anxious, afraid, uncertain, restless, and a whole slew of other adjectives that meant uneasy. “Why won’t a nice girl go out with me, Lean Bean?” I couldn’t hold back any longer, so I just blurted out what I had been reflecting on for too many hours to keep track of by this point. With the instant realization of what I’d divulged, I quickly raked my hands through my hair as our server appeared at our table.

  “Just two Cokes please for right now,” Charlie said to the waitress. She merely smiled reassuringly and waved her away.

  “You think I have a type that I like to go out with. But I don’t. Those just happen to be the only girls that will go out with me.” I was confident, and I flirted blatantly. I almost always got women to giggle and blush at attention from me, but I discovered a woman like Alexis wouldn’t give me the time of day.