I didn’t want to let on that Carla had upset me, but she was perceptive. She had heard the verbal assault on my credibility. So at that moment, when my confidence was shaken, Charlie had said to me, “Carla isn’t a great ER nurse. She shouldn’t condemn anyone.” I turned to her showing that I appreciated her effort, but I was sure that my body language showed my defeat. “If criticism comes from someone you respect, it’s okay for you to do a little self-reflection. But if it comes from someone like Carla, you need to brush that stuff off. She sucks. Just let her go live her sucky life in misery, all alone.”
I didn’t respond to Charlie’s wise words, but I had smiled at her. She returned the smile and waved goodbye.
So now, I had to relive my friend’s words. I wouldn’t care if anyone I didn’t respect judged me. But knowing my friends were probably talking about me or disapproving of me hurt-- mostly because I deserved it.
“I’ll always respect and admire you for saving my girlfriend’s life.” He stared straight ahead instead of looking in my direction as we stood in the garage, waiting for the service attendant to fix my tire. “I’m not sure what’s going on exactly, but my best friend is hurting. I can also tell that you’re hurting. Having survived some hurt in a relationship myself, please let me give you some advice.” He turned to face me. “Letting go of your fear and letting someone love you is the key to happiness.”
Thank goodness the attendant reappeared at that moment so I could break the eye contact Louis had established.
I managed to mutter a few thank yous to Louis before he watched me drive away with my freshly repaired tire back on my car. When Tiffany texted me, asking to switch shifts, I happily agreed. She wanted to work Monday and have off Sunday. I accepted the offer, knowing I would be able to prolong the time before being confronted by Charlie about her brother and me.
Since I didn’t take a nap before my impromptu Sunday night shift, I crashed the moment I arrived at my apartment on Monday morning. Sleeping as hard as I did during daylight hours meant I was up most of the night on Monday without being able to get myself to fall back asleep. I last remembered looking at the time at around six o’clock, during the many hours of tossing and turning. My body didn’t feel rested, so I presumed I hadn’t been asleep very long when I heard loud pounding on Tuesday morning.
I thought it was my head pounding, but once I was jerked out of my slumber, I realized someone was knocking very loudly on my door. I glanced at the clock. Ten twenty-seven. I tossed the covers off and swung my legs over the side of my bed. The pounding continued as I trudged toward the front of my apartment when I began to hear a familiar voice.
“Alexis, open up. I need to talk to you.” A sleepy fog still clouded my thoughts, so I wasn’t thinking one hundred percent clearly. Certainly, if I had been able to conjure up a rational thought, I wouldn’t have opened my door to a rather disgruntled Charlie.
Before it registered in my slumberless brain that she was furiously glaring daggers at me, she pushed into my apartment. I closed the door behind me and faced her. I braced myself, in preparation for receiving the brunt of her anger.
“He loves you. And you love him, so you are coming with me now.”
“Uh, no,” I scoffed.
“I swear to God, Alexis, you’re coming with me, or I’m going to die trying to get you to.” Her facial features were creased, and anger lit her gray eyes. “You’ll have to stab me with that knife you like to carry in your purse, because you have avoided my brother long enough.”
I weighed my options. I still hadn’t a clue of what I would say to Cam, but it was also imminent that I would have to face him eventually. With the determined look on his sister’s face, now was probably as good a time as any, I supposed.
“Okay.” I had thought I would see a smug, satisfied smirk spread across her face. But instead, her features softened, and her lips tugged upward at the corners. Then she hugged me. She caught me off guard. I had witnessed her anger, fury, and frustration only moments earlier, but there she was, hugging the crap out of me. I nearly stumbled backward at her launching embrace.
“Please talk to him about whatever is going on. Just please talk to him.”
I was pretty sure she was crying because she sniffled as she leaned into me. I could feel the utter sadness in her voice. I hadn’t realized how many people would be affected by the ghosts haunting me.
As I rode in Charlie’s car to Cam’s apartment, I thought about Louis’s words. Letting go of your fear and letting someone love you is the key to happiness.
Maybe I was truly just scared all along. Maybe I wasn’t being brave by keeping everything in. Maybe I kept my memories bottled up out of fear. And maybe it was time to let someone love me. I glanced down the length of my body as Charlie inserted the key into the door of Cam’s apartment. I hadn’t bothered to change before leaving my place. I was wearing pajama pants and a spaghetti strap tank top with a soft, built-in bra. When the door swung open, I could hear my flip-flop-clad feet shuffle forward into his living space.
Intense astonishment crossed the chiseled features on his face. He stood before me, blank yet amazed and shaken. He was genuinely surprised to see me. I doubted he had planned for his sister to ambush me and drag me to see him. His dark hair was wet like he was fresh from the shower, and as he walked toward me, I could smell the woodsy soap he liked to use.
He halted his footsteps before getting within ten feet of where I stood. Those hazel eyes were infused with green flecks and swirled with emotion around an outline of light brown. Pain flickered in his slouched stance. As I sat in Charlie’s car on the way over, I had imagined he’d be happy to see me. But here he was with an unreserved, melancholy appearance.
“I’m so sorry.” His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed. “Please forgive me.” He clenched his fists at his side as he tried to withstand the urge to approach me further. “I love you so much, Butterfly. I can give you space. Just please don’t shut me out altogether.” The tenderness in his expression rippled a wave of guilt through me.
He really thought he had done something to me. I guessed it was time to set the record straight. Anxiety left a sour taste in the pit of my stomach as I realized it was time to let go of my fear. I tossed a sidelong glance at Charlie and Louis, who stood on opposite sides of the room. Charlie was still near the door, and Louis was next to the couch.
When I locked my gaze with Charlie’s, she mouthed “thank you.” When I turned my eyes to Louis, he approached me and said, “Don’t be afraid…to call us if you need a ride home.” He offered an extra nod and crossed the room to where his girlfriend was waiting. When they slipped out the door, I knew Louis had meant something different when he told me not to be afraid.
The door clicked shut behind me, and we were alone with a mere ten feet separating us. I wanted to let him hold me, because I could see he was truly fighting his self-restraint. But I needed to tell him. He needed to hear all about me before I could truly let him love me.
So I took in a deep, cleansing breath and blew it out as Cam watched me mentally prepare myself for the revealing of my sorted past. “I’m finally ready.”
Cam’s eyes questioned my statement, but he made no attempt to speak. His stare weighed heavily with concern, and those amber orbs continued to wordlessly dig into me.
“You should probably sit down.”
Without any hesitation, he quickly responded to my request by taking a seat on the couch.
The silence from him during the already tense moment crippled me. I needed to find a way to tell him about my appalling previous life. Worry was sketched across his face, so I needed to pull courage from somewhere. I wanted to let go of the heaviness in my chest and the burdens of my past. Pent-up emotions of pain and anger simmered within me, and they were about to come to a full boil. The buildup from sharing the angst I suffered was about to erupt, and I needed one final moment to console myself before I blurted out the misery of the night that still haunted me
.
“His name was Dragon.”
Lines of confusion deepened along his brow and under his eyes. I could tell he was internally debating whether to ask a question or allow me to continue without interruption, so I moved forward with my explanation.
“He tried to rape me when I was seventeen.”
“Butterfly…” Choked emotion laced his voice, and I swear I saw water collecting in those memorizing, gorgeous, hazel eyes. I wasn’t sure why I started with the Dragon incident. There had been so much in my past that it probably would’ve made more sense to begin in some sense of chronological order.
“He attacked me. Even though I fought him off, I distinctly remember the sound of him releasing his zipper. I have that sound somehow tattooed in my brain, and when I heard it the other night…”
“I’m so sorry, Butterfly.” His soft, amber gaze followed me as I paced back and forth in his living room. His twitching muscles were an obvious giveaway that he wanted to stand up, but he stayed in place per my request.
Cam told me that it was okay to need people sometimes. I knew in my heart that he was right. Because spilling confessions and tales from my prior life definitely had me needing him. I was trying to be brave and share painful memories of my past, but I needed to be near him. I felt compelled to have his heated embrace wrap around me and comfort me. I actually needed a hug for what seemed like the first time in my life.
So I plopped myself next to him and sank into the cushion. Our thighs brushed against each other. Cam continued to look straight ahead, but once I leaned into him, he wrapped his strong arms around me. The warmth from his presence covered me like a cozy blanket with a promise to keep me safe and protected. My head rested against his chest, and a brief kiss grazed the top of my head. He gently rubbed my scalp with his hand, and my ramrod posture began to relax.
“I didn’t mean what I said the other night…about not being happy around you.” I swallowed hard, still leaning against the fresh smell of his cotton t-shirt. “It is true that I haven’t been happy for most of my life. But being around you has made me happier than I ever thought possible.”
“Your happiness is very important to me, Lex. I love you.” A gentle squeeze caressed my shoulders following his words. I actually believed him. Honesty was infused in his caring voice.
“So as I explained to you before, my dad was abusive to my mom. Fortunately, he left when I was ten.” I continued to take refuge in the warmth surrounding me. “But she found a new abusive boyfriend before too long.”
He remained mute, but he continued to rub my head and comfort me without words. His presence was soothing enough. I didn’t need him to speak. Just being with him was all I needed.
“When I was sixteen, I just couldn’t stand by and watch anymore. So I pulled a kitchen knife on the jackass when he had my mom cornered and was beating the crap out of her.”
His body stiffened slightly next to me, but he still didn’t utter a sound.
“I stabbed him several times, and then I left…I ran away.”
The sound of his gulping air echoed in my ears before he squeezed me tighter. I could tell he wanted me to continue my story, so I refocused and progressed forward.
“I was homeless after that. I lived out of my car for nearly two years.” I pulled out of his embrace and found his hazel eyes as if he could possibly provide me with some kind of redemption. “I was never charged with assault. I honestly don’t know what happened to either of them.”
“Geez, Lex. I had no idea you had lived such a tumultuous life.” His eyes pleaded with me to finish my tale of misery, even though this information noticeably left him pain-stricken.
“During that time, I was attacked by Dragon. That wasn’t his real name,” I explained. “When you’re homeless, you don’t actually give anyone your given name. Either you make one up, or others select one for you. When he assaulted me, I stabbed him multiple times.”
“My God, Butterfly.” He pulled me into him again, smashing my face against his shoulder.
“When you’re homeless, no one sees anything. No one reported Dragon’s stabbing, but that incident earned me my nickname. Quicksilver.” Having said the words out loud made me realize just how much my life sounded like a horrible embarrassment. “But as soon as I could, I moved into a cheap apartment and went to college.”
Freeing myself from those haunting ghosts had me feeling a thousand times lighter. Letting go of all the shadows of my past really felt quite liberating…that whole getting the weight off my shoulders analogy actually rang true. I just wasn’t sure at what cost I just disclosed my secrets.
“I hope you’ll forgive me.” I lightly brushed my fingertips along his forearm. “I hope I haven’t destroyed us.” Somehow, I found the strength after spewing out things I kept hidden for an entire lifetime to look back at the man who completely changed my mind about how I envisioned the world.
However, seeing the despair in his features had me believing that we wouldn’t recover from what I just confessed. Sorrow and disappointment creased his brow. He exhaled, and I prepared myself for the rising dismay covering us.
“Lex, I’m not going to lie, I’ve been destroyed these last few days. You were on my mind so much that I couldn’t go to work. I couldn’t go to the gym. I’m not even sure if I ate, slept, or showered.” He swept the stray hair away from my face, and my heart rate increased. “But if I’m being honest, I’ve been happily destroyed by you for a while now.” That damn hazel gaze fired with intensity, and I froze, awaiting his next words. “I’m emotionally invested in us. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since I saw that butterfly tattoo on your hip. I haven’t gone anywhere or done anything without thoughts of you dancing around in my head.”
The brick of guilt and disappointment in the pit of my stomach eased. Regret could no longer hold me back from letting people into my life. “Cam, it actually feels so good to get everything off my chest. I’ve been broken for so long, but I want to move forward. I’m just not sure how long it will take for me to feel like a whole person again.” I honestly hadn’t felt like I’d been living a whole life until recently.
“You’re not broken, just emotionally bruised. Broken implies that you need to be fixed, but you just need time to heal.” Cam rubbed my shoulders, and my relaxed state began to return to me. “I promise I won’t ever try to fix you. And I’ll patiently wait while you take the time you need to heal. Just please, please let me be here…in your life and, maybe, someday in your heart.” He pointed to the left side of my chest and briefly brushed his lips against mine.
It was a memory that would last with me for a very long time. “And you’re already in my heart. Batman took up residence there a long time ago.” I gently kissed his lips again. “And Cam has been in here,” I said, pointing to the same spot on my chest. “For a lot longer than when Batman found Butterfly girl again. You were in my heart the first moment you offered me coffee at work…and I don’t even like coffee.” Tears blinded my eyes and choked my voice. But I it would be okay, because the tears were happy ones. “I have one more confession to make.”
“You can tell me anything, Lex.” His facial features softened, and his jaw relaxed.
“I lied about something else on Friday night.” Hot tears slid down my face, tickling my cheeks. “I told you I don’t love you. But I do. I love you like I never knew existed.” I swallowed hard to smother the sob that surfaced. “I love you like I can’t live without you, or I-might-die kind of love.” I swear I saw his amber eyes glisten with tears. “I love you like I want to be with you all the time and never spend a moment apart.”
Then, no longer holding back, he crashed his lips against mine with the promise of a future devoid of secrets.
12
Cameron
It’s been one week since Lex and I agreed to never keep secrets from each other. And it’s been one week since we agreed to spend the night together every night she wasn’t at work. Louis and I visited the girl
s one night last week, and we planned to visit them again tonight.
On weeknights, Lex stayed at my place so I could get up and get ready for work in the morning. But over the weekend, we stayed at hers. I did love her butterfly comforter. I had already been thinking about moving in together, even though we hadn’t let our make-out sessions progress beyond kissing this last week.
I hated that I had to spend any night away from her, but at least I could sneak into the ER to see her one night a week and bring her hot chocolate. Louis picked me up from my apartment around ten, and we headed to the drive-thru for coffee and cocoa.
I was always happy going to see Charlie. I certainly used to enjoy the attention her female colleagues would give me. Now, I only wanted Lex to flirt with me and give me sexy smiles. My pulse still quickened when I knew I’d see her soon. The anticipation of being with her caused that warm, intoxicating feeling to course through my veins.
I also didn’t mind the Charlie and Louis situation as much now that Lex and I were together. We actually made a pretty good foursome. I wished that we could’ve been a foursome a long time ago, but I was smart enough to realize that things between Lex and I had to wait and develop into what it was now after the long journey we’d been forced to take without each other.
I was really glad that Lex and Charlie had one another as well. My sister never had a female confidant before, and my girlfriend hadn’t had too many friends at all, so the two of them had a special bond. They talked on the phone and hung out together, and it was good to see their relationship develop into an amazing friendship. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I missed all the time that Charlie and I used to spend together, but now that we had other special people in our lives, I think we were happier overall.
When Louis reappeared, I thought that was the best thing that had happened to Charlie and me. But now that Lex re-entered my life, I was certain that was the most significant, defining moment of my life. I was positive I would spend the rest of my days with her. It might sound cliché, but we had a one-in-a-million connection. We were soul mates. Obviously, choosing to sit next to her on the school bus was a turning point also. I was destined to have her with me…just like Louis chose Charlie and me. I still think he chose me first, but I’m not sure if that’s how they remembered it.
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