by Ruby Dixon
“I am worried,” Maylak says in her low, gentle voice. “I feel you should stay here, with the tribe.”
At this, Rukh scowls. “I will watch my mate. I protect her.”
“It is not that,” Maylak continues. “It is…I just worry. I feel…” She sighs. “Perhaps it is just a healer worrying over nothing.”
“We make this trip all the time. We’ll be fine,” Harlow assures her.
Maylak nods, but doesn’t seem convinced. “Just be cautious.”
Harlow casts a smile in my direction and then looks at Asha. “Did either of you want to go with us?”
“Oh, I’m, um, busy.” I smile brightly and hope they don’t ask too many questions about that. “Got a lot on my plate.”
“Gathering all the unmated males close?” Asha says in a teasing voice.
I scowl at her. “Waiting for my sister to come back?”
She simply smiles, unbothered by my pissiness.
Maylak, Rukh and Harlow start to talk again, and I edge backward, trying to extricate myself from the conversation. I glance out of the cave, hoping to see a familiar figure on the horizon, but it’s empty.
“Looking for someone?” Asha’s voice is amused as she comes to stand at my side. In her arms, the little girl sucks her thumb and watches me with big, glowing eyes. Asha’s smile returns. “One hunter in particular, perhaps?”
“Shut up.” I scan the outdoors again. “You haven’t seen him today, have you?”
“I have not. Perhaps he is bothered by all the males you are attracting, given that you do not wish to take him to your furs permanently.”
I frown at her. “What do you mean?”
“Would you like some tea, Mah-dee?” she mocks. “Perhaps some leather for more clothes?”
Oh. That. “I’m not encouraging them! I don’t know what’s changed for them to suddenly start paying attention to me.”
“It is because you smile now. Before you scowled at everyone and threw things. Now you smile, and now they notice you.” Her look becomes sly. “They do not realize the reason why you smile, I imagine.”
I can feel my cheeks heating. Yeah, I know why I’m smiling now. It’s because I’m getting laid. Actually, it’s more than that. It’s Hassen’s company. It’s that I’ve found someone that really understands me and my situation. I don’t feel so abandoned. I feel like I have a partner in crime now. “Well, I want them to leave me alone. How do I do that?”
“You resonate,” she says in a dry voice.
“Well aren’t you just a big bundle of help?”
“No.”
“Sarcasm.”
She shrugs and cuddles the little girl in her arms close. “Then take a pleasure-mate.”
Argh. These people are so frustrating. I’m about to complain about how irritating I find all of this attention when I see a dark figure appear in the snow in the distance. My heart races and I feel an excited flutter in my belly. Hassen. He’s waiting for me.
But then a second figure appears, and my excited flutter dies. Oh. Not Hassen. It must be Lila and her group returning. I’m excited to see my sister again, but at the same time, I feel a niggle of dread. While she’s been gone, I’ve been hitting it with the guy that kidnapped her.
That’s going to be hell to try and explain.
I worry that I should feel guilty. What Hassen did was wrong, but now that I know him better, I don’t hate him. I’m not happy with his actions in the past, but I’ve also behaved like a jerk myself. I was kind of an asshole when we woke up, and I’ve continued to be an asshole up until recently. Heck, Marlene won’t come out of her cave when I’m around, and Stacy still cringes like I’m going to throw something at her again. I get annoyed with their reactions to me, especially now that the guys are all acting like I suddenly became hot shit overnight. I shouldn’t be judged by how I acted when I was stressed out and afraid…and I wonder that I’ve been judging Hassen all along.
After all, one reason why I hold him at arm’s length when it comes to our relationship is because of my sister. Because I don’t want Lila to be disappointed in me. I’m all mixed up and I’m not sure how to handle things.
I wait at the entrance, hugging my cloak close to my body as the party moves closer. A few others trickle out of the cave and move out to greet them, but I hang back. I hate that I feel like I don’t know how to be around my own sister anymore. I watch as she comes into view, her hair pulled into a braid, her face ruddy with cold. She’s smiling broadly and has a large pack on her back, and she makes gestures with her hands as she scans the people emerging, looking for someone. Looking for me.
And then I feel like an asshole, because it’s my baby sister. I love her. I step forward and raise a hand so she can see me, and Lila’s face lights up with pleasure. I feel my anxiety abate and I wade out into the snow to greet her.
There you are, she signs as she approaches. I was wondering if you were hiding!
I make it to Lila’s side and hug her close, ignoring Rokan. I squeeze her tightly, and she looks good. She smells like sweat and furs, but she looks great. I pull back and smile at her, then sign, I didn’t want to crowd you.
You’re allowed. She reaches for my hand and squeezes it, then signs, You look great, by the way. How is everything?
I’m good. I missed you. I realize that it’s true. I’ve been keeping myself occupied with hunting—and Hassen—but now that my sister’s back, it feels like a missing piece has slid back into place. For all that we’re struggling to find our way here on this planet, she’s still my best friend and my family. I need her.
But you look good, she tells me, and reaches for the straps on her pack, glancing at her mate. I’m exhausted.
Oh shit. I’m an asshole. She’s walked for days now and has a bag full of fruit—that can’t be light. I rush forward, signing, Let me help.
Both Rokan and I pry the pack off of Lila’s back, and my sister stretches, then puts a hand to her back and grimaces. I need to work out more.
For some reason, this strikes me as hilarious. Work out? On an ice planet? Lila’s already a twig. Doofus, I tell her, and loop an arm around her waist, ready to help haul her into the cave.
Rokan shoulders her pack and touches Lila’s arm, a question in his eyes. She reassures him with a quick hand signal and a smile, and leans on me.
“I will take the packs in,” Rokan says and signs. “Bring Li-lah by the fire so she can rest?”
“Will do,” I tell him. I don’t even resent him at the moment. We both just want what is best for my sister.
By now, people are spilling out of the cave, and there’s excited, raised voices in every direction. Bags are being distributed, and humans are spilling out, babies in arms, because they can’t wait to see what kind of fruit was brought in. I weave through the crowd with Lila and head for the fire pit. For the first time in possibly ever, there’s no one sitting around it. I’m pretty sure they’re all crowded out front. I park Lila in front of the fire pit, at the best seat, and help her shrug off the top layer of her wraps. They’re a little damp, and I spread them out on one of the poles set up nearby for such a reason. There’s no tea bubbling over the fire, so I grab a tripod and string a pouch over it, motion to my sister that I’ll be back, and fill it up at one of the multiple springs bubbling through the cave. There’s a basket of spices and tea kept near the fire— Stacy’s, probably—and I dig through it before finding tea and setting it up. I’m actually pretty proud of myself that I knew how to do all that just from watching the others—now I just hope I’m not boiling my sister a tea made from meat spices.
I sit down next to Lila and sign at her again. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?
Just tired, she tells me. I was fine until we saw the tribal cave, and then I lost all my energy. Her smile is tired. I’m glad to be home. You should be glad you didn’t go. It was a fun trip but a hard one. I’m wiped out.
Did you get a lot of fruit? Was your one-eyed friend there?
We did get a lot of fruit, but we also ate a lot of it and just harvested seeds and cuttings from the plants. We could not take all of it back. There’s so much, it’s incredible. We brought back as much as we could carry, but we buried some in a cache as well. We were so busy!
Sounds like it.
And no, no sign of my friend. It was just us there. She rubs her stomach. I liked the fruit, but I would be happy not eating any more of it for a while. I never thought I’d say it but I’d prefer raw meat right now!
I laugh, because that’s not something I expected to hear, either. Are you going native then? Eating raw? I know that’s how the sa-khui prefer their meat, and some of the more daring humans have taken it up, but not me. I like my steak well-done and not fresh out of something’s gut.
A shy look crosses my sister’s face. It’s not that I like the thought, but I’ve been having cravings for the past few days… She stops and clasps her hands together, and I see her eyes are shimmering with tears.
“Oh my god,” I breathe aloud, and then realize what I’ve done. She understands me though, and laughs and nods. Lila’s pregnant. I squeal with excitement and grip her hands in mine. She beams at me, and in that moment, I’m so utterly thrilled for my sister’s happiness. I love that my shy, scared sister is just blossoming out here on this ski slope of a planet. It makes me tear up, too.
My sister’s going to have a family and a baby, just like everyone else. I’m so happy for her, and yet…I still feel the sting of losing her. And I feel alone all over again.
Which makes me think of Hassen.
Which makes me think I should probably tell my sister I’m flirting with Hassen.
Okay, sleeping with Hassen.
Not that anyone’s doing much sleeping.
I watch Lila’s happy face. She wipes away her tears, beaming. We knew it would happen because of resonance, but still, to think about it and to actually have it happen are two different things.
You can feel it? Already? I touch my breast, thinking about the parasite inside me—the khui. I can’t feel it, ever, though I have noticed that the mated couples purr at each other when they resonate. Is it because of the khui?
She shakes her head. It’s more of…what you don’t feel. Her cheeks color. The resonance slows down. Plus, Rokan knows.
He thinks he knows because he’s a man?
No, I mean he knows. She taps her temple. In his ‘knowing’ sense.
Oh, right. I keep forgetting that Rokan’s a minor psychic of some kind. Maylak’s cootie makes her a healer, Rokan’s gives him spidey-senses, and mine? Well, mine kind of sits there like a lump. Which is probably a good thing. Not that I’m jealous of all the babies, but it feels weird and isolating to have the only inert khui out of the entire tribe. I mean, damn. Surely I’ve got something worth passing on to the next generation. Sometimes I feel like I need to go sit in the bad kids’ corner with Hassen.
Annnnd yeah, I really need to tell my sister about Hassen.
I swallow the knot of worry building in my throat, and sign to her. I’m glad you’re back. We need to talk.
Is everything okay?
I regret that I’ve said something. Like, immediately. The weariness on Lila’s face seems to increase tenfold, and now she looks stressed. Am I stressing her out? I stifle the flash of irritation that I feel. I’m stressing her out? I’ve taken care of her ever since our parents died. I’m the one who’s had to be in control. I’m the one who’s had to choke back my fears and be the strong one. We’re both in new emotional territory and I need to learn to be patient, which isn’t one of my strong suits. But since I’ve already jumped the gun, I might as well plow forward. You didn’t see Hassen when you were walking back, did you?
No, and I’m glad. I’m still not comfortable with him. Her expression hardens just a little.
Her words feel like a brick in my gut. Telling her about this was a mistake. It’s too fresh. She won’t understand. Heck, I’m not even sure I understand it myself.
Why? What is it? Lila looks concerned. Has he been bothering you? He’s supposed to be exiled as punishment.
He’s not bothering me, I gesture back. It’s just…I pause, and then continue. We’ve become friends.
Her eyes widen with alarm. Maddie, no. Don’t be friends with him.
It’s okay, Lila. We talked about why he stole you. He’s really sorry, and it wasn’t that he was in love with you. He just wanted a mate.
And that’s why he wants to be your friend right now! He’s using you because you’re available!
That’s not it, I tell her, and then drop my hands. It’s not, is it? I sought him out, not the other way around. Even as I tell myself she’s wrong, I worry. Hassen was so desperate for a mate that he tried to steal one. And then here I come, flinging myself at him. Maybe it’s not about me and him bonding and being friends as well as fuck-buddies. Maybe it’s just about him trying to grab himself another mate.
I think about the fact that he more or less proposed to me after we slept with each other, and decide not to share that with my sister. Actually, I decide I’m not going to share a lot with my sister. The look of horror she’s giving me tells me plenty. We’re just friends, I sign. Don’t freak out.
You need to stay away from him, sis. I lived with him for weeks. I know what he’s like. He’s impatient and overbearing and…She waves her hands in the air, clearly at a loss for words. He is not a good man! I don’t want him taking advantage of you!
Oh, that is so cute. Considering that I took advantage of Hassen the moment he decided to hang out with me, my sister has the wrong one pegged as a predator. Seriously, we’re just friends. I just wanted you to know, okay? So there wouldn’t be any surprises.
I’m going to speak to Vektal and tell him that he’s hanging around bothering you, Lila signs angrily. It’s not right.
Don’t you dare, I send back just as quickly, and her eyes widen at my vehement gestures. Don’t you say a thing!
What is going on?
Nothing. Okay? We’re just friends!
You didn’t resonate, did you?
Fuck no! I just feel bad for the guy, all right?
How can you feel bad for him? He stole me! He tried to force me to be his wife!
Yeah, and he lost everything. Heaven forbid a guy wants to fall in love and take care of a girl. I stop myself even as I think it. Am I having Stockholm syndrome on my sister’s behalf? Hell, is that even possible?
I’m really confused. I get to my feet. I think I need some time to myself.
But I just got back, Lila gestures, hurt in her eyes.
I give her a quick bear hug. I know, and I’m a horrible sister. I’m sorry. We’ll talk later, okay?
She nods, mystified, and blinks her big eyes at me in that wounded way. I feel like an asshole. I’m abandoning my sister just as she got back from her trip so I can go talk to Hassen and try to figure out why I feel so mixed up. I should hang out with her. She hasn’t been here for days.
You haven’t been around her for days because you weren’t invited, a seditious little voice in my head says. At least Hassen wants to spend time with you.
That decides it. I have to go, I sign to her, and pat her shoulder. I leap to my feet and head off, gathering my furs close to my body. There’s an extra wrap by the entrance on a drying rack, and I snatch it and wrap it around my shoulders. Everyone at the entrance is busy chatting and exclaiming over what’s in the bags. No one’s going to notice me if I sneak off, hopefully.
I move along the cliff walls, wincing with every crunching step, waiting for someone to yell at me to come back, to ask me where I’m going. No one does, though. They’re too preoccupied with all the goodies Lila and her crew have brought back. I slip away, my steps hurrying despite the calf-deep snow, and crest over a ridge. After that, I’m home free. No one’s going to chase me now.
Time to find Hassen and get some answers. Or to just vent at how confused I feel about my sister. And about him.
Really, I’m pretty mixed up over everything. I don’t know if he’s the person I should go pouring my heart out to, but right now I feel like he’s the only one that will truly understand how I feel.
There’s a copse of trees over the next ridge where we normally meet. I’ll head there and see if he’s nearby. I don’t have a weapon with me, but it’s not a far walk and I can wait for him. He’s bound to come by at some point.
I hope.
Something feels tight on my face, and I swipe at my cheek. It’s ice. I’m crying, and my tears are freezing on my face. Shit. Why am I crying? Is it because I feel like my sister’s even more distant than ever? That I’m jealous of her and her happiness and the fact that everyone freaking loves her while I’m the town leper? Is it that I’m suddenly the one who needs looking after and I resent that? Is it because she hates Hassen and I feel like I have to choose between her happiness and mine?
How did this all get so complicated? I press my fingers to my cheek, warming the tears until they melt away.
8
MADDIE
I wait at the trees for what feels like forever. It’s probably only a half-hour, but it feels like eternity. There’s nothing around except snow and more snow. No animals, not much vegetation, and certainly no Hassen. The wind tears at my clothing and my exposed skin, and I feel very alone and small and vulnerable.
And lost. Lately I’ve been feeling very, very lost, and I hate it. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of feeling like everyone’s got their shit together but me. Even right now, I’m out here in the wild with a damp wrap that’s not keeping me very warm, no snowshoes, and no weapon. If that’s not idiotic, I don’t know what is.
My frustration mounts by the minute, and I’m just about ready to bail out and head back to the cave when a figure appears in the distance. I see big shoulders, horns and lots of blue skin exposed, which means it’s one of the sa-khui. When he starts racing toward me at a breakneck speed, I figure it’s Hassen.
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