by Ruby Dixon
“We must have supplies,” Hemalo says. “What can we do?”
“We need a place to live and for the females and kits to be safe,” Vektal says, rubbing his chin. “But I worry the South Cave will be just as bad as this one.”
“Then the Elders’ Cave?” Someone suggests. “Or the cave that the females landed in?”
“The caves by the salty lake?” Another adds.
“Too many sky-claws,” says Taushen. “The females would never be able to leave the cave entrance.”
Vektal nods slowly. “I hear all of you. And I have many concerns, but right now, we must find a place that is safe for our people for the brutal season. If that is the South Cave, then we will go there. If it is not, then it must be somewhere else. We must check them all out to see which has survived the earth-shake. We can send hunters out to each one and see if they have survived. If it does not look safe to enter, do not go in.” His expression is grim. “I lost one tribesmate yesterday and am close to losing another. I do not wish to lose more.”
“Where to first?” I ask. “The Elders’ Cave? Har-loh and Rukh are there.”
Vektal’s mouth flattens. “If they live, yes. For now, we will take the tribe to the Elders’ Cave. Rokan, you and Li-lah go to the fruit cave you found and see if it remains. Raahosh, go with Taushen to the caves by the salt lake and check for sky-claws and to see if they are safe.”
“I will bring my Leezh,” Raahosh says. “I can protect her from the sky-claws. But I will not leave her behind when it is not safe.”
Vektal nods grimly. “I understand. Taushen will go with you anyhow. Haeden, take Jo-see with you and go to the South Caves to see if they have survived. Harrec and Ereven, go to the original cave of the humans. The one where my Georgie and the others came from. See if it has survived or if it has been completely buried.”
“I cannot take my Claire,” Ereven says, pained. “She is heavy with my kit.”
“I will go,” Salukh says. “Tee-fah-nee and I can go with Harrec. Let Ereven stay with his mate.”
Vektal turns to me. “I must stay here with the tribe. The hunters with the youngest kits will stay with the tribe and hunt for them. I need more hunters that can go to the farthest of storage caves and bring back everything you can. The farthest-flung caves must be checked, and if they are viable, bring back all furs, weapons, supplies, anything we will need. Bring the gear to the Elders’ Cave. We will make that our home for now. Bring back all that you can. Hassen, you take the caves to the north. Hemalo and Asha can check the caves to the south. Bek can go to the west, and Vaza to the east.”
I nod my agreement, but even as I do, my heart sinks. It is a good plan, and yet…the farthest-flung caves to the north are deep into the mountains. The others will be closer to their families and return that much faster. My journey is a long one. It will take many hands of days to travel that far, and returning will be that much slower, weighed down with sleds of supplies. I will be separated from my tribe—and Mah-dee—for a long time.
But it must be done. My tribe needs every hunter…and I am just the exile. The rule-breaker. Why should I not go to the farthest caves? I have no family waiting here for me. “I will go.”
“I want to go with Hassen.” Mah-dee’s voice cuts through the air. She marches forward, bundled in furs, and comes to stand in the midst of the hunters. Some are smirking with amusement, but others look irritated.
The expression on Vektal’s face goes dark. “Mah-dee—”
“I want to help,” she cuts in. “You’re sending out all the single guys, right? Send out the single lady, too. Hassen’s been giving me lessons and teaching me to hunt, so I can help out. He can keep teaching me in the field, and I can help him bring supplies back.”
“You do not need to help, Mah-dee,” I tell her, though I would like nothing more than to have her with me. My heart thumps in my chest at the thought. “It will be much walking. It is not always safe.”
“Because staying here is safe?” She gestures at the rubble-covered cave. “Nowhere is safe anymore. I’m capable. Let me help.”
“You can go with Bek,” Vektal says. “His journey is shorter.”
Bek makes a grunt that sounds like irritation.
My fists clench at my sides, but my chief is right. My journey will be the longest to travel. She will struggle.
“I don’t want to go with Bek,” she says evenly. “He’s not the one that’s been teaching me. Why can’t I go with Hassen? Because he’s the guy that kidnapped my sister? You think I don’t know this?”
“Mah-dee,” I say in a warning voice. “Listen to your chief.”
She moves to my side and reaches up and pinches my cheek. “That’s cute. You trying to give me advice on that.” She winks at me to take the sting out of her words and then turns to Vektal. “I want to go with Hassen. We’re a good team, and I can help out. Two people bringing back supplies is better than one.”
Vektal puts a hand on Mah-dee’s shoulder. “You truly wish to do this? You wish to go with him?”
“What, you think anyone could make me go somewhere I don’t want to go?”
This time, Rokan snorts.
“Can you keep up?” The chief asks her.
“I can and I will.” Mah-dee’s ash-smeared face is stubborn but determined. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
Vektal turns to me. “You will keep her safe.”
It is not a question. I nod. “I will protect her life with mine.”
Vaza steps forward, gesturing at me. “He is exiled!”
Vektal’s expression grows bleak. “My friend, we are all in exile now.”
MADDIE
I swear I’ll be fine, I tell Lila and give her hands another squeeze of reassurance.
She pulls her hands from my grip, a troubled look on her face. If you want to help, you can come with us, she tells me, every movement of her body indicating her worry. You don’t have to go with him.
I want to go with him, I tell her. He’s my… I pause in my signing, trying to think of the best way to put it. Friend, I decide on. He doesn’t have anyone but me, and I want to be with him.
Her brows draw together, and I can tell Lila is trying hard to understand. You don’t hate him?
I shake my head. I hate what he did, but I don’t hate him. Do you?
She thinks for a minute. I guess I am the same. Those weeks with him were awful, but he didn’t mean me harm. And I have Rokan now. But…is it safe?
He’s not going to try to hold me captive to force resonance, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m pretty sure the thought would make Hassen break out in hives at this point. He’s seen what he has lost with his tribe, and it’s affecting him greatly. Plus, I know him now, and I like to think that we’re better friends than that. He wouldn’t pull that sort of stunt on me.
No, that wasn’t what I meant. Rokan says it’s a long journey. I worry it’d be hard on anyone, and we humans are a little more fragile than the locals.
It might be, but I can’t stay here and gather dust. I flick my ash-covered hair, hoping she catches the joke. And I’m just an extra mouth to be fed if I go with the others to the Elders’ Cave. This way, at least I can help.
But…Hassen?
Hassen, I agree. He’s been a good friend to me, believe it or not.
I trust your judgment. Lila’s expression is sad. But I’m still going to worry about you.
Oh, I’ll worry about you, too, I sign to her. How can I not? She’s my baby sister, and it doesn’t matter that she can take care of herself and she’s got a mate to watch her back. I’m always going to worry and want to take over and help out. Maybe that’s how she feels about me, too. The anxiety and resentment I’ve been feeling towards Lila’s happiness is gone. It’s weird, but I’ve been slowly figuring out that if I need something—emotional support, friendship, even breakfast—I have to take charge and get it on my own. It’s not going to fall in my lap, and people aren’t going to make excuses for me
Change is good. It’s not always easy, but it’s good. And it’s time I made a few changes.
I’ll see you back at the Elders’ Cave, I sign to Lila. I love you. Don’t get killed, okay?
I’m going to a fruit cave, she signs back, her smile wry. It’s not dangerous.
Not unless the entire horde of metlaks has moved in there, but I don’t say that. I don’t even want to put it out into the universe. Just be careful anyhow.
I will. She pauses in her signing and then gives me a curious look. Is…something going on between you and Hassen?
Why do you ask?
Because I’m deaf, not stupid? Her mouth quirks into a wry smile. I just know he can be pushy.
And I can’t? I tease back.
True. I guess if anyone can tame him, it can be you.
The thought of taming someone leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Taming implies that I’m going to ‘fix’ him. Break him to my will. And that’s not what I’m interested in at all. I like Hassen just like he is—impetuous and overbearing, sure, but it’s because he cares too much. He feels things too keenly. And I don’t want to break that. We’re going on this together as friends, I tell my sister. If we end up more than that, you will be the first one I tell.
Fair enough. She pauses in her signing and then grabs me in a fierce hug.
And I hug her back just as tightly, because this can’t be the last time I see her. It won’t be. I can’t even think that or I’m going to start crying.
But Lila has to go her path, and I have to go mine. I can’t let Hassen go out on his own. Not now, not when he needs someone at his back the most.
12
MADDIE
Hassen and I set out a short time later with only a single small supply pack. There’s not much to pack in there, other than an extra water-skin or two. All the rations are left with the tribe. We have two spears and a knife, but everything else is going to have to be made from scratch as we journey. Extra sleds, extra blankets, you name it—we’re going to have to make them. And with every item we’re not bringing along, I realize that this is going to be one motherfucker of a journey. I’d bitch about it, but I can’t say that our journey is going to be any rougher than anyone else’s. I look back at the tribe, gathered in a tight cluster, and I’m pretty sure I can still hear the wailing babies. There are a few people carrying a makeshift gurney for Pashov, who still hasn’t awoken.
Nobody’s got it easy right now. We just have to suck it up.
We walk, heading north. I want to turn around and hug Lila one last time, but I know she’s already taken off with Rokan. I would like for Hassen to hold my hand, but we’re both carrying spears and still close enough that the tribe would see…but it doesn’t mean I don’t wish for it, just a little. Snowshoes and clothing and furs are hard to come by, and with many humans needing them, all of the existing ones are spread thin. The wrap I have is light and not good for more than keeping out the wind, but we’ll get more furs at the nearest cave. My snowshoes are rickety and feel fragile, probably because they were made from ‘extra’ parts on an existing, sturdy pair. We’ll reinforce them when we find more bones and leather. I remind myself that it could be worse. I think of Pashov, carried by the others, and poor Stacy, who is in a zombie-like state of fear…and I feel lucky. Hassen’s safe. Lila’s safe. Lila’s mate is safe. We’re good.
More ash is falling, and the borrowed wraps I’m wearing aren’t particularly warm, but the hike gets the blood roaring, and I’m soon panting and sweaty despite the chill in the air. It’s overcast, thick, stormy clouds making it seem dark even at midday. There’s more ash falling than snow right now, and I keep my mouth and nose covered, like I’ve seen the others doing. Surely it can’t go on longer than a few days. I just have to suck it up. More troubling is the fact that the ash is getting into everything - considering that getting fresh water is as easy as scooping some new snow most times, I’m a little worried.
Even more troubling is just how silent Hassen is as we travel. He’s courteous to me if I ask questions, and helps me free my snowshoes if I trip. He offers me a hand when I struggle going down a hill. But he’s so very quiet, and the expression on his face is grim.
I worry about him. There’s no determination in his step, no confidence. He’s going through the motions, but there’s nothing there. I can’t tell if he’s upset at me, or just upset at the world. I don’t know if he’s in shock or if he’s grieving for Eklan like Warrek is…but I know there’s something wrong. My heart aches for him. And even though I’m quickly getting exhausted and this is just the first afternoon in what promises to be weeks of a journey, I’m still glad I’m here, because he needs someone. He can’t go through this alone.
Until he reaches out and tells me what is bothering him, though, I’m going to let him have his silence. Sometimes you need to be in your own head to process things, and nagging him won’t help. Plus, it’s taking all of my energy just to keep up. I bend my head and focus on putting one snowshoe in front of the other, following his tracks.
We make intermittent stops throughout the day, pausing to cross a stream or to check trails. We see a herd of dvisti in the distance, but don’t go after them. I’m guessing we’re going to have enough to carry home without adding more to our load. As the day wears on, my feet ache and my teeth chatter with cold, but I don’t complain. I do, however, scour every passing cliff in the hopes that we’re going to find a hunter cave and stop soon. I have to keep going until Hassen gives the word, though. I’m supposed to be helping rescue the others—I don’t know what kind of rescuer I’d be if I can’t even keep up with the preliminary hike.
And I don’t want him to change his mind and turn around so he can take me back to the others.
There’s no sign of either sun in the cloudy, angry skies, but I do notice it gets progressively darker as we travel. We veer off an easy trail through a valley to climb up a steep hill, and I want to bitch, but I figure there’s a reason we’re suddenly taking the hard road. When I see a cave entrance in the distance, a hint of a screen covering it, I sob with relief. There are a few rocks tumbled around the entrance, but it otherwise looks whole and undisturbed.
Thank god.
It hasn’t occurred to me until just now that there might not have been a hunter cave nearby. That they might not have survived the earthquake either. Man, we are in such deep doo-doo.
We approach it, and I inwardly cringe, expecting Hassen to turn this into a teachable moment. That I’m going to need to check the cave out, build a fire, do inventory, and I’m so damn exhausted that it makes me want to cry at the thought. It has to be done, though, so I need to suck it up.
But he only touches my shoulder absently. “Wait here. I will inspect the cave.”
And that worries me, too. Because it’s not like Hassen to coddle me. Normally he teases me, makes a few jibes at my bad observational skills, and then shows me the right way to do something after letting me attempt it a few times. He’s not even trying. And okay, maybe now isn’t the perfect time for lessons, and I’m grateful, but I also worry that this is just more proof that Hassen’s retreating.
He can’t retreat from me. I need him. He needs me. I can’t let him push me out.
Hassen disappears into the cave and returns a moment later, waving me in. I enter the darkness and feel for a wall. The rocks here are a little jagged—probably freshly ripped apart by the earthquake—and I’m a little careful as I move inward. “Do you want me to make the fire?”
“I have it. Sit down.”
I should argue, but I don’t. I drop to the ground, and once I do, my feet scream with pins and needles. They feel like blocks of ice, and my boots are soaked. Actually, I’m pretty sure all of me is. I huddle on the ground, hating that I’m so weak. That I can’t keep up. That I want to help and I’m going to end up being a liability after all.
The fire flares after a moment, and then I see Hassen’s features light up as he begins to feed it fuel. I look around the shadows of the cave. It looks to be well-stocked, a stack of rolled-up furs in one corner, and baskets of supplies along the walls. One end of the cave looks a bit rocky and collapsed, but otherwise it’s large and comfortable, with the ceiling high enough that Hassen can stand fully, and enough room for both of us to move around easily. Some of the hunter caves are quite small, but this one’s roomy. That’s both good and bad—good because it’s nice to stretch out, and bad because it takes that much longer to warm up.
Well, I can sit on my half-frozen ass, or I can help. I get to my feet and adjust the screen over the entrance so no gusts of wind threaten our tiny fire while it’s being stoked. Then I head to the furs and begin to unroll them, making a bed. There are three large bundles, which means we have enough for two people and two separate beds…but I hope it doesn’t come to that. “Mind if I get undressed?” I ask him. “My clothes are soaked.”
He grunts. “Hang them by the fire so they can dry.”
Not his chattiest moment. Doesn’t even comment on the fact that I’m about to get naked. That’s fine. I’m not feeling particularly sexy at the moment, just tired and cold. I peel wet layers of leather off of my body and strip down to the leather band that half-assedly serves as a bra. I’m now bare-assed, and I wrap one of the thick furs around my body like a toga before spreading my clothes by the fire. He doesn’t even glance my way, just continues to feed bits of fuel into the flame.
I feel my chest give another painful squeeze. He’s depressed. I can’t blame him—the sa-khui had a devastating setback. He’s allowed to be emotional, but right now we have to be strong. Lots of people are depending on us to bring back supplies to help with the brutal season. We can’t fail them. I don’t think he wants to fail them, either. I think he’s just…struggling.
Instead of lounging in the nice, warm, furry bed I just made, I haul my toga over to the baskets and pick through the neat leather pouches stored inside. Soap-berries, spices, something that looks like dried bait, fishing hooks made of bone…and another basket has some of the heinously spicy trail mix that the sa-khui love so much. I’m so hungry it looks good even to me. I pull out the pouch of it and move to Hassen’s side, offering it to him. “Here. Eat.”
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