Volume 5 - The Rampage of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  Therefore I have to think of some ways to alleviate her boredom, so she would have no time to think of nukes, if only for a little while. As long as she has some other things to burn her passions at, just like tossing a bottle cap towards my Calico Shamisen who would bite it for a good three minutes, she would have a three minute attention span towards that ‘thing’-

  -the above are the mandates Koizumi proposed in the past. Even up till now that guy has yet to change his point of view.

  Because of that, we are slapped face-on with the most idiotic thing that can happen.

  Face-on? Gasp, yes. It is not a chance encounter, not a finding and not a meeting. There is no word that describes our current situation better.

  Because we are now, truly, totally in deep trouble.

  Snow Mountain Syndrome

  “Crap.”

  Haruhi, ahead of me, spells out what she really thinks.

  “You can’t see anything in front of you!”

  Would you like to know where we are? We were at some lone island in the summer, then what of winter? Put yourself in Haruhi’s shoes and take a guess.

  “It is peculiar.”

  Koizumi’s voice drifts from the rear.

  “We should be at the base of the mountain after hiking such a long distance.”

  My hint for everyone is that we’re in a cold and snowy place.

  “So, cold, oh… Uuuu~”

  The piercing winter gusts cut Asahina-san’s voice. I turn my head to reassure the one in the ski jacket wobbling like a little duckling and nod to cheer her on, then turn back toward the front.

  “…”

  Perhaps it’s just a psychological thing, but I feel that Nagato, who is leading the way, seems to be dragging her steps. The snow crystals stick to her boots, they accumulate with each passing step. Where would one experience such things?

  I won’t keep you guessing any longer. Here’s the answer:

  It is a silvery white world as far as the eye can see, where all that exists other than snow is snow wherever you go.

  Other than a snow mountain where else could this be?

  And it’s a snow mountain hit by a blizzard.

  To be accurate – Thanks to an incoming snowstorm, our return trip to the lodge is a total disaster – this description would match our current status 100%.

  Going back on topic, just who made up this script? Only now am I willing to believe that there is an end and that all five of us will face the threat of death, perhaps only to see the light of the day as five frozen corpses appearing when spring melts the snow away.

  Koizumi, think of something!

  “I am out of ideas.”

  Koizumi says while staring at the compass.

  “The direction seems to be correct. Nagato’s navigation is incomparable. However we have been walking for hours on end without sight of the foot of the mountain. Normally, this would be a most bizarre situation.”

  Then what’s up right now? Are we trapped in this huge skiing retreat forever?

  “The only conclusion that can be drawn right now is that it is a bizarre occurrence, an unpredictable abnormality. Not even Nagato-san understands the cause and only knows for sure that we’re facing some adversity.”

  You don’t have to tell me that since I already know. It’s strange for Nagato in the lead to be unable to find the way home.

  It must be one of Haruhi’s out-of-this-world ideas at work.

  “Don’t conclude that just yet. My instinct tells me that Suzumiya-san will not burn her bridge.”

  Why are you so sure about that?

  “Because Suzumiya-san is looking forward to the mysterious murder mystery in the lodge. For that mystery I have made quite a few arrangements and thought it through.”

  Ever since summer, a murder mystery has naturally been planned for the winter co-ed. Last time it was a horror story that ended with an anticlimax, and this time it was a deductive game with everyone knowing the drill. The cast is the same, featuring Arakawa the butler and Mori the maid. Tamaru is also going to guest star using the same role, the same relationship and the same name.

  “That’s true…”

  Haruhi can’t possibly wait to unveil the conspiracy of the culprit and the identity of the killer, so she would not do something subconsciously that would deter us from returning to the lodge given that a murder mystery awaits her.

  That aside, my sister, Tsuruya-san the extra that fills in all the time, as well as Shamisen are waiting for us at the lodge.

  To be honest, the lodge that we borrowed belongs to the Tsuruya family. That upperclassman of boundless energy agreed right away to providing the lodging so long as she came along. Bringing Shamisen with me was due to Koizumi wanting him as a part of the set. My sister became my luggage by her own accord. The two plus one however are not a part of the team that are facing certain catastrophe. Shamisen should be curled up in a ball by the fireside and Tsuruya-san should be building a snowman with my sister who doesn’t know how to ski. That’s the last of them that I recall.

  To Haruhi, those three are reserve members, which is the reason why Haruhi doesn’t object to meeting them again.

  Why is that? Why is it that we cannot get back to the SOS Brigade winter retreat with heating?

  Even with the blessings of Nagato Yuki, we still can’t find our way back. Just what is going wrong?

  “We keep meeting freak storms in both the summer and winter…”

  Could it be that there exists some law of nature which dictates that during any long vacation, we will be thrust into some anomaly that is beyond human comprehension?

  I, as if drunk on a cocktail mixed with anxiety and uncertainty, call upon my memory in a haze.

  “Why did things turn out like this?”

  Flashback mode, start.

  ……….

  ……

  …

  Winter co-ed is almost predestined. If we could foresee the future, even if it did happen in real life, we would be unfazed.

  Besides, the moment the murderous lone island cruise (complete with a typhoon) ended, someone had already proclaimed loudly what was to come. Who else but Haruhi? The ones that swallowed her might and her expression would be all of us excluding Haruhi. The tour guide would be Koizumi.

  I had originally hoped that Haruhi would become distracted by winter, but alas, the chief’s memory doesn’t fail at times such as this –

  “Annual Countdown in Snow Storm.”

  Haruhi handed piles upon piles of paper stapled together to us. After handing them out, she smiled a kidnapper’s perverted smile.

  “As planned originally, this winter we’re going to a lodge covered in snow, to jump-start part two of the mystery tour!”

  The location was the clubroom, and the time would be the twenty-fourth, right after the end of year ceremony. We had a ceramic pot atop a small portable gas stove, placed on an end of a table that wobbled about as we tossed ingredients of all kinds into the pot, substituting a hot pot for lunch.

  Haruhi tossed in meat, fish and vegetables in no particular order as maid-version Asahina-san, adorned with a head scarf, separated the food with a pair of chopsticks and handed out the broth once in a while. Nagato, Koizumi, and I were directed to consume. Apart from the group of five in the SOS Brigade, we had a guest today.

  “Waaa! This is great! What is this? (gnawing)… Haruhi, you wouldn’t be the iron chef? (chewing)… Yoho! This soup broth is the best! Yumyumyum~ (devouring)”

  The guest would be none other than Tsuruya-san. The originator of such lively tones looked to be competing against Nagato who was eating silently as she called about and moved her chopsticks with haste, scooping the goodies onto her plate.

  “One must have a hot pot in winter! Kyon as a reindeer is also the bomb, haa, this makes my day!”

  So the only one that gave me an encore for the performance was Tsuruya-san and Tsuruya-san alone. Haruhi and Koizumi were just faking the smiles. Asahina-san had suddenl
y covered her face and shook her shoulders; Nagato from top to bottom displayed signs of trying to find the source of humor using logic, while I felt a sense of total embarrassment as sweat poured down my face. There goes any shred of ambition to enter the entertainment industry… Never mind, it’s better this way.

  There must have been some reason for Tsuruya-san to be our guest, not just to dip into the feast nor to be Asahina-san’s entourage. As for that special reason…

  “About that cottage in the blizzard.”

  Haruhi’s description upgraded from a snow storm to a blizzard.

  “Rejoice, Kyon! Who knew that Tsuruya-san would lend her villa to us for free! That, and it’s top notch! I am already boiling in anticipation! Come, come, come! Don’t be shy, dig in!”

  Haruhi tossed a couple of pork cutlets onto Tsuruya-san’s plate while scooping the angler slices onto hers.

  “Normally our family would go there for vacation…”

  Tsuruya-san stuffed her mouth full of pork and gulped it down.

  “But my dad’s out on a business trip to Europe this year so he’s away. Since his work will be done in three days, we’ve decided to go to Switzerland on a skiing trip. Therefore I will go with you guys to the villa! It’ll be a blast!”

  Apparently Tsuruya-san handed her own villa over for the co-ed retreat the moment Asahina-san made a passing mention of our winter plan. Koizumi pushed it along and agreed to it wholeheartedly as he nodded all the while, and Haruhi was as excited as a cat met with a plate full of sashimi when the final plan was handed to her.

  “Tsuruya-san, this is for you!”

  Haruhi took out a violet cuff band, scribbled “Honorary Consultant” on it, then handed it over to her – and that’s the end of that chapter.

  Koizumi had a beaming smile on his face as he looked on at Haruhi, Nagato, and Tsuruya-san eating as if in an eating contest. Maybe noticing my look, he opened his mouth:

  “Please don’t worry. This time we will not be scaring anyone. It will simply be a prearranged game of deduction. Actually we’ll have the same crew.”

  Taken literally, Arakawa the butler, Mori the maid and the Tamaru brothers would all show up for the show. That didn’t matter. More importantly, just what did they normally do? Are they the administrative staff of the ‘Organization’ ?

  “They are actors of a small guild that I happen to know… Can you accept that as an explanation?”

  So long as Haruhi was fine with it, I had no qualms.

  “Suzumiya-san’s main focus is whether or not the event is interesting and nothing else matters. Although that is the most difficult problem to address… I am not sure if she will find the scenario satisfactory, and thinking about this gives me a stomach ache.”

  Koizumi pressed his stomach, feigning heartburn, but still retained that smile of his. What a terrible actor.

  I am more of a normal person than Haruhi, given that I can’t place fun in the center and ignore everything else. I looked around for something that could calm my nerves, and I stopped first at the expressionless façade of Nagato. Good old poker face Nagato. The typical Nagato Yuki that I have come to know was gulping at the hot pot ingredients as if nothing had happened.

  “…”

  Whatever, I thought to myself.

  There should be no critical mishap this time that would burden Nagato tremendously. No, more like such an event should not occur. Looking at the order of things, we should have smooth sailing this time. Nagato was not overly active in the summer co-ed and I hoped that it would be the same in this co-ed. Best leave all the work to Koizumi and his friends.

  I thought of this as I read the booklet by my side.

  According to the schedule on the booklet, the departure date was 30th December, a day before New Year’s Eve. The snow mountain was not all that far away. It was reachable within a couple of hours on a bus ride, pretty much within the same day.

  When we arrive, the orders of the day would be to ski, ski and ski. A party would follow at night (no alcohol allowed), with the dining arranged by Arakawa-san the butler from that lone island (although a fake butler, he was so impeccable as to be even more convincing than a real butler, so I’ve no complaint) as well as Mori-san (although a fake maid… et cetera). The Tamaru brothers would appear a day after as the late guests of honor, and after that the curtain on the detective game rises.

  Following that, New Year’s Eve would be spent dissecting the act and the conspiracy behind it. The group would meet at the crack of dawn, each in turn taking a guess at the “Poisoned Chocolate Case,” then, Koizumi the mastermind will reveal the truth nonchalantly as set in advance. Everyone then can bid farewell to the passing year without regrets, and say hello to the new year. Happy New Year!

  – and that would be the entire co-ed plan in a nutshell.

  The moment I lifted my head up, I ran right into Haruhi’s gloating face. It wasn’t a real shocker for her to look at me in this godforsaken hour anymore.

  “We should really celebrate the coming of new year!”

  Haruhi picked up the leek with her chopsticks.

  “And then, give proper thanks to the new year, so that the new year will be a good one as well. I really believe that the coming year will be one where the fortunes of SOS Brigade will turn in our favor.”

  Missy, it’s fine and all that you like to personify the year. However, I do not think that your definition of a good year is the same as the one for us as a whole.

  “Really? I keep thinking that this year has been interesting, which is why I wish for the same next year. Ahh, Mikuru-chan, the broth’s about to totally evaporate, hurry with the water.”

  “Okay, coming right up.”

  Asahina-san headed to the teapot in running steps.

  “Eishu.”

  She carefully poured the water from the seemingly heavy teapot into the pot.

  Watching the alluring visage of Asahina-san led me to look back at the misadventures of this year, and my emotions wavered a little. Haruhi said that this year has been interesting. If I was asked the same question, my answer would definitely be yes.

  Actually, when I was a kid I had hoped for encounters that I could boast about. Be it meeting an alien or anything for that matter, I really wanted for something of the like to happen, so as to add a new, exciting page to my childhood. It’d be bizarre not to be raving over fantasies coming true. Although, as it is right now, having new chapters of life added without pause is beyond my expectations.

  That said, having lived through these events, how I really feel is as follows –

  – yes, very pleased.

  I can only declare this so loudly after the turmoil is over. It has taken yours truly quite some time to reach this state of mind. However, if I had a chance to say any more about how I feel inside, I would say that I wish for more peaceful days. Personally, I do hope for more of those times spent goofing around in the club room; just a little more.

  “You and all that crazy talk.”

  Haruhi’s cheeks were filled with angler fish liver as she barked out:

  “You’ve been just messing around! Don’t come and tell me that you’ve not had enough. If you want more, then make use of these days before New Year and really party hard until the last moment!”

  “No, thank you.”

  This twerp has no idea how much suffering I have endured and how I recovered from all those wounds. Claiming victory in that baseball game, putting an end to summer vacation, restoring the derailed reality to order since the filming of the movie, going back and forth from the past and future and even to re-do the recent past. It is true that all of this has been at my own discretion so I cannot blame anyone, but I can’t justify it given how I shouldn’t be this busy right now if I have no plans to become a teacher.

  Never mind, I can’t vent to Haruhi even as I complain to the world.

  “There’s still plenty of time to party hard after we get to the lodge.”

  I brushed aside Haruhi’s
extended chopsticks to pick up the cabbage in the pot. This was a rare Haruhi-made dish. I better scoop some grub into my stomach before the hungry group of females (except Asahina-san) claimed it all, given that I have no idea if we will have such a delicacy again.

  “We’d still make it.”

  Haruhi flung beef onto her plate.

  “Just partying isn’t enough, we have to set it ablaze. Listen up, there’s only one New Year’s Eve every year. Think about it, New Year’s Eve this year is once in a lifetime, just as today is. This day won’t come again after it is gone. Therefore, you wouldn’t be living up to today if you don’t live it to the fullest. That’s why I hope I can live all of my days fully; making them unforgettable is best.”

  Hearing those naïve words, Tsuruya-san opened up as she chewed on some half-done chicken meat:

  “Whoa! Haruhi, you remember all three hundred and sixty-five days of the year? Way to go! Ahh, Mikuru, I need some tea.”

  “Of course, coming right up!”

  Asahina-san took that clay pot, and poured out the boiled tea carefully into the cup that Tsuruya-san had lifted way up. Although treated as a mere waitress, Asahina-san seemed to be more than happy to do this. Haruhi, the chef that tossed whatever she could grab into the pot was also quite into the moment, Koizumi’s graceful smile could reflect on even the steaming hot pot as a canvas, and the quietly dining Nagato was hammering it down silently. Tsuruya-san, the honorary consultant was here only as a reserve member, but it didn’t really affect the mood of all of us getting along together as per usual in the SOS Brigade.

  I was presently very sure how precious this time really was. As I had chosen the world on this end, more tall tales surrounding Haruhi would no doubt define our path. Before the day I hit the ground, I expect to have been through one or two more headaches of a crisis.