Sin and Swoon

by Tara Brown

  “Not really.” I shake my head. “But sitting back and watching will always get you further than talking. People say the things they want themselves to believe. They are saying it aloud to convince themselves only. Their actions are who they are.”

  “Well, Jane Spears, I hate to say it, but I think my baby brother has bitten off more than he can chew.”

  I sigh, knowing it isn’t true; it’s quite the opposite, in fact. “Being good at parlor tricks doesn’t make you desirable, Henry. It just makes you good at guessing the next move out of everyone else in the room.”

  His eyes dazzle in the moonlight. “The answer I want, Jane Spears, is what your next move will be.”

  I nod to the right. “A quick getaway if I’m lucky, between courses.”

  He winks. “We can get away now if you like.”

  I laugh right in his face. “Not a chance.”

  His smile fades away, and I think he feels sorry for me. “You love him, don’t you?”

  “My entire heart and soul, though unable to be much more than pathetic, are his.” I say it so matter-of-factly I feel sorry for me too. I don’t even think I meant to say it aloud, but the night has gotten the best of me.

  “I will arrange a car out front for you. You can play at being Cinderella, and may leave when you wish. Tell no one, and slip out the office near the foyer. There is a door there for my father to smoke his cigars without the lady of the house busting his chops, as you Americans say.”

  “Thank you.”

  He nods. “Ben is an idiot to let you go, but I fear his bringing you here was his way of scaring you off. If he ends up with that ditz Melody I might have to just give him the title so I can run away with you.”

  I stand, completely uncomfortable with the forward way he is acting. “I don’t run away, Henry. I either fit or I don’t.” Which is why I have one friend and one cat and nothing else. Because I never fit. I grew up in a house of people unlikely to fit. We rubbed off our awkward and discomfort all over each other. I walk back into the house to find the red wine and pour myself a glass.

  When I see Dash and Melody talking to another couple I can’t help but hate her for fitting him so perfectly. She’s blonde and beautiful and perfect in every way. Together they’re tall and flawless, no doubt a match in every way. She laughs, resting an arm on his forearm. He flinches; I see it before he relaxes and laughs too. I can see the discomfort on his face, and all I feel is hate for her. Not because he’s mine but because she doesn’t seem to care that she has injured him. She is so selfish that she doesn’t see the agony she is causing. And his mother grinning from the other side of the room is just as clueless and cruel.

  I force my eyes from them and head for the grand staircase in the foyer. I walk up the rounded staircase quickly, hurrying to the hall. “Evangeline?” I call out, searching each room. I can tell the right side of the stairs is where the guests sleep. Each room looks like a hotel, and the belongings are all in bags.

  I turn to go to the left and Evangeline is there, smiling and breathless. “Are you all right?”

  I shake my head. “I need your help. I need to find Dash—Benjamin’s room.”

  She turns and walks back to the left wing of the house. She opens a door and waits as I hurry inside. I leave the ring on his pillow. My entire body aches, leaving it there.

  My hand lifts, resting on the scar on my stomach, the one I thought he understood. The one that means I can never have children. I am actually stunned at the entire situation. There is no other way to handle it.

  I need to go home and hug my cat and pretend it was all a mind ride. It was all someone else’s story. I never fell in love with a man so perfect that my broken heart doesn’t stand a chance at mending. I will settle back into my plan—crazy cat lady. I will let it go the way I let everything else go.

  I brush the tears from my eyes and walk back to Evangeline. “Does my makeup still look okay?”

  She nods, giving me a smile. “You are beautiful. Even without the makeup.”

  I hug her. It’s a desperate act for me; I don’t hug and I don’t hold and I don’t touch. But I am all alone in the world at this very moment. I need my cat and my pasta from my dear sweet neighbor. I need my old life back. I pull back. “I’m so sorry, that was so inappropriate.”

  She shakes her head, sniffling a little. “I knew you were too good for them all when you walked in the door.” She turns quickly and walks away, leaving me there to gather myself before I go back down into the pit of vipers.

  As I get to the bottom of the stairs a glass of red wine meets my nose. Henry smiles as he hands it over. “I figured you needed this.”

  I take the glass, gulping it back too quickly. “Thanks.” I reach over, stealing his wine while handing him the empty goblet. I’m nearly done swallowing Henry’s drink when Dash makes his way to us. He smiles. “You have met my brother?”

  Henry nudges him in the ribs. “Found her scaling the walls in the backyard.”

  I roll my eyes. “He found me checking out your parents’ weird obsession with naked cast-iron boys. There must be twenty of them on the property.”

  “Wrought,” Henry says.

  “What?”

  “Wrought iron. Cast iron would rust in the rain. They are wrought iron. And they are a common decoration for gardens. Like imps or fairies.”

  “Whatever. It’s no less creepy with a different name.”

  Dash gives me a worried look. “You all right?”

  I shrug. “Dandy.”

  Henry takes the empty glasses and turns. “I’ll fetch more wine.”

  Dash takes my hand in his. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been particularly attentive.” His eyes get heavy with emotion. “But you know we only have to do this once. Then we’re free for a whole year.”

  I scoff. “I can’t do this right now.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  I walk past him, tearing my hand from his, and enter the office, the one with the door I will be leaving from. Dash follows me in. “Did Henry say something to bother you?”

  “You honestly think your pompous playboy brother could upset my delicate nature?” I laugh with bitterness. “You don’t think my years in the military might have rounded off those edges for me? He isn’t the first player I have met in my life, Dash—sorry—Ben. And I suspect he won’t be the last.”

  “What did he do?”

  “Nothing. He got me a glass of red wine, and he listened to me complain about your ex-girlfriend. Because, apparently, your family has the magical ability to make me into a whiny and petty bitch. I do not like who I am here, and I will not be this girl.”

  He pauses. “What?” I can see the guilt all over his face.

  “Oh, please. I know you and Melody were a thing. She cheated on you with your own brother in hopes of landing herself the heir of the family. I know she’s money but not enough. She needs someone like your brother to make her the top of society. You were clearly crushed. And your conniving mother decided it might help us end our relationship a little sooner if Melody came back into your life to remind you of the good old days. If you can’t see all that, then you are far less intelligent than I had given you credit for.”

  He looks like I’ve kicked him in the balls, but I don’t let it end there. “You think I don’t see the song and dance at this palace? I see it just fine. You lie about me because I’m not good enough. My years of military service aren’t enough for your family. So I have to pretend to be a doctor. Well, fuck you, and fuck your family. Defending my country means more to me than either of your PhDs do. I know you’re smarter than I am with books and science and all the other things people deem important, but I am smart enough to see you are happy with me. You and I are happy people. I didn’t even know there was this other side to you, because I don’t think this is who you are. This guy, I fucking hate this guy. And I know I can’t ever be the girl you need me to be. I can’t have kids; thanks for letting your mother rub her need for grandkids in
my face. Benjamin Dashiell—stupidest name ever!” I turn and storm out the door, not even waiting for the entirety of my hateful words to hit. I’m in the car, speeding down the driveway, before I realize what I’ve said and done. And all without proof. The very thing I work to find in every case I work. I have assumed every bad thing about him.

  But it isn’t as if he denied any of it.

  I curl up and let the driver whisk me away to the airport as I message for a flight to be booked in my name. I am so cliché I almost wish I’d left a shoe behind.

  14. You forgot that you still love me

  His fur smells exactly the way I remember it smelling. I curl around him, kissing his soft head. He’s a ticking time bomb, and I’m going to be scratched any moment. But I don’t care. I just need a hug from a safe person. When the microwave dings, letting me know that Mrs. Starling’s pasta primavera is done, I kiss once more and jump up for my carb-filled feast. I love eating my feelings.

  The doorbell rings as I touch the microwave. I sigh and walk to the door, assuming it’ll be Angie and she’ll want to share my dinner and listen to me go on and on like a regular girl about Dash and the fucking mess in the South.

  I open the door, jumping back a bit when I see Dash holding my purse. “You forgot this.”

  “Keep the damn thing.” I close the door in his face. It’s been three days since I left him in Virginia, and if I get a say in the rest of the evening, I can wait another three days before I have to see him again.

  Instead he opens the door with his own key and walks in. I turn away and grab my meal from the microwave and slump with it at the table.

  “Jane, we have to talk. You actually left this on my pillow and came back to DC? You really broke off our engagement over my brother lying, and my mother conniving, and Melody being the money-grubbing bitch she was when I was in twelfth grade? I was head boy at school, all because I was a Townshend. And she wanted the title of being my girlfriend. Then when we broke up, I discovered she and my brother had been sleeping together for a long time. He saw how ridiculous she was then, and he sees it now. She wants him to marry her. And she is under the misapprehension that catching my eye and making me like her again might get her back in with my brother since he always wants what I have. Like having everything else isn’t enough.”

  I clap my hands slowly. “Bravo. That’s the meanest I have ever heard you be.”

  “Oh, screw off, Jane. I’m not a simpleton, and I’m not some polite ass everyone can take advantage of. It just took me a bit longer than you to see their scheme. But you naturally go in skeptical, so what do you expect? Of course you’re going to find the worst in them, you were looking for it.”

  “It’s self-preservation.” I take a steamy bite, burning my lips a little. “I don’t actually care about your family at all. That was a fiasco, and the fact you led me down there under false pretenses and let me be humiliated makes me pissed at you, not them.”

  He sits across from me, taking my plate and my fork and getting himself a bite of cheesy pasta. “You care. You and I love each other.”

  I shake my head. “You fed me to the wolves. I never would have done that to you. You made up so many lies I honestly doubted my being in my own body. I thought for sure I was mind riding. No one’s life is that silly.”

  He passes me back the plate. “Mine was. My life was as silly as you saw. It’s all fake. Like you said, a dance.” He reaches his hand across, covering mine. “You are the real part.”

  I blink a hot tear down my cheek, hating that I’m crying in front of him, but there is one insult I have to admit feeling the burn from. “I can’t have babies, Dash. I thought you knew that.”

  “I do know that.” He nods. “I read your file.”

  “Then why did you let her tell people we are going to have kids? That’s a lie.”

  He shakes his head. “It’s not a lie. One day, we will have kids. We will just have to get a surrogate to carry them for us. Your eggs are probably fine, and my sperm is fine. I have tested it. We can make a baby.”

  I scowl. “The fact you’re so obsessed with this makes me feel like I’m not the right girl for you. Have you considered that I don’t want children? I don’t know the first thing about having a baby.”

  He sighs, covering his eyes for a second. “Yes, I’m obsessed with making you and me a family. If we are the only two people in the family, I will live, quite happily. It’s you that’s the crucial part, Jane. I need you to be happy.” He slides the ring across the table and cocks an eyebrow. “Put it back on, for the love of God, and stop messing with my heart.”

  I almost fight him on it, but it’s actually the sweetest sentence two emotionally disabled people have ever gotten out of a relationship, and it far surpasses his proposal. I cover the ring with my hand and sigh. “You set me up to fail and then spent the entire time flirting with your old girlfriend.”

  He closes his eyes and breathes out heavily. “I didn’t. I swear. I spoke to her for a second to be polite and then not again. She happened to be with a few of the people I was talking with. It’s my obligation to greet everyone and spend a few moments with them.”

  “You kissed her hand and she touched your arm.”

  “I kissed the hand of every woman there; it’s the polite thing to do. I suppose you missed all the others, no doubt under the pernicious governing of my troublemaking brother.” He sounds English and flustered, and I hate that he looks so adorable when he’s worked up. I rarely see it.

  I scoff, pretending to be unfazed by his cuteness. “I don’t know what that means. Don’t go all Smarty McSmarter on me. Using big words isn’t going to change the fact that your mother was cruel to me, and you let the whole thing happen. I’m not so dumb that I didn’t see right through your jackass brother. Bringing me wine like a knight in shining Armani.”

  He laughs, and I have the feeling the fight is over. My sails are windless and my insides are jelly, mostly because he’s giving me one of those gooey stares with his gray-green eyes, and his lips are toying with a grin. “I love you, Jane. Right now, I don’t care if we ever see them all again, but if we do, my mother owes you an apology. My brother already got what he deserved.”

  I scowl. “I don’t even want to know.” I can guess by the state of his right hand. The knuckles are bruised, and one is even split.

  “You have to see how crazy you make me. You see how much I love you?”

  I shake my head slowly. “You can’t choose me over your family. That’s horrible, and I wouldn’t ever be that girl who would ask you to.”

  “You don’t have to ask. If they can’t accept you, then they don’t accept me either.”

  It stings to actually hear the words that they don’t accept me. I knew it, but seeing that he knows it too is much worse, as if he finally sees my worth.

  He reaches across, lifting my hand and picking the ring up. “I want to marry you, Jane. I want to be your husband and be your family and show you that people can rely on each other. If either of us made any mistakes this weekend, it was me trying to squeeze you into the mold my family has set for me and my life. I should have just told them you are a badass ex-military savage who can kill people with her hairclip and takes no nonsense from anyone.” He slides the ring on my finger. “I am so sorry for trying to make you fit in their world, instead of just letting you be you.”

  I nod, realizing saying anything would be petty, and I don’t like it when I get my petty on. So I smile and leave the ring on, even if it feels like it’s burning through my flesh and weighs twenty pounds.

  “Now, the one thing I have to ask is that you consider marrying me in the family church. I understand you are Catholic, and we’re C of E, and that’s a serious request to mull over, but please just think on it. I’m not going to force you. I’m not going to lie about anything else. I’ve had my fair share of it and hated every moment. It felt like we were skating on thin ice at every turn.”

  I agree. “Fine. I’ll think about it.
But I need intel on this church, location, who else has been married there, and what kind of service would be expected.”

  He laughs, and I can tell the fight is definitely over. He stands up, scooping me up into his arms, and carries me to our bed.

  He places my head softly on the pillow on his side and closes the door, not before Binxy squeezes through and runs for the closet. Dash turns the lights off and flicks on the small light in the corner before walking to the edge of the bed, plucking my slippers from my feet, and tossing them in the corner where he throws my pants after taking them off.

  I fight the images in my brain, the ones linked to Rory. The ones that sting a little bit everywhere still. I need Dash to make me forget them.

  He kisses up my calves and thighs, spreading me open to him. He licks once, roughly, between my legs, and inserts his middle finger. My lips part, and a breath escapes like it’s fleeing.

  He slides the finger in and out slowly, lubricating and teasing. His thumb begins rubbing my clit in a slow circular motion. I can’t watch any longer as my head falls backs and a gasp escapes my lips.

  “Touch your breasts, show them to me.” His voice is smooth.

  Without even hesitating I drag my T-shirt up my torso and chest, letting my breasts sit in the open air. I cup them, squeezing and rolling the nipples the way he likes as he increases the thrusting finger inside of me.

  The sound of his belt and pants fills the air as he releases his cock and pulls his pants and underwear down. I don’t need to see it to know what he’s doing.

  His punishing penetration makes my eyes roll into the back of my head as each thrust jolts my ass and pussy with pleasure. Where he’s landing when he pushes his finger in hits all the right nerve endings.

  I squeeze my nipples, lifting my butt a bit to meet his rhythmic finger-fucking. He rolls me over, not letting me finish, and climbs between my thighs, spreading them wide and lifting my ass back to meet his ready and eager erection.

  He rubs the head on my slit twice before pushing all the way in with a jerk. He pulls me to him with one hand and inserts the thumb of his other hand into my ass very slowly.