Stardust Diaries 2007

by Swan, Tarn

  I was furious with him for indulging in such risk taking. He was dressed in a bright red mini dress, which revealed a generous amount of cleavage and a vast amount of tanned shapely leg. Combined with his long blonde Cher wig and high heels he looked like a WAG. He’d cause a traffic pile up with cars screeching to a halt the moment he stuck out a beautifully manicured and painted thumb. I just about broke the land speed record as I hared off to catch up with him.

  He hadn't gone far. He was waiting at the taxi stand clutching his handbag and looking like butter wouldn't melt. Innocently fluttering his eyelashes he said Barry must have gotten the wrong end of the stick. If I'd had a stick to hand he would have felt the wrong end of it across his pert little backside.

  We had words about his calculated wind up when we got home. He insisted Barry had misinterpreted his words. I should know he would never hitchhike while dressed as a woman, not after the experience with the HGV driver who tried to touch him up and then turned nasty when he touched something he hadn't bargained for.

  We had words again this morning and by morning I mean EARLY morning. It was four o‘clock to be precise. He woke me up to whine and complain he was too hot to sleep. Seeing as we'd only crashed into bed at two I was not best pleased at being woken from my beauty sleep.

  He complained I was giving off too much body heat. It was like lying next to a nuclear reactor. I snarled that we were hardly suffering from a deficit of spare beds so why didn't he go and sleep in one of them. He didn't see why he should be the one to bail out of the marital bed.

  “You know how much I hate changes in routine, Tarn. I won’t be able to sleep at all. What kind of heartless brute are you?”

  I told him. A bloody annoyed one. He'd had no business waking me up just because he was having trouble sleeping. He was a spoiled selfish brat of a man who was a hairsbreadth from getting the hiding of his life.

  He tearfully said it was a sure sign the aging process was kicking in and you were heading for a free bus pass when the heat made you bad tempered. I'd done nothing but nag at him lately.

  I said it wasn't the heat making me bad tempered it was him. Dealing a sharp slap to his bottom I went off to another bedroom before I succumbed to the urge to spank his backside red raw. He drives me up the wall sometimes.

  So why are his knickers in such a twist? Well for one thing his friend Barbara came into the shop about a fortnight ago to buy an engagement ring. Twinks was gobsmacked. He knew she'd been seeing someone, but had no idea the romantic bolt had slid from the vacant position to engaged. There had been talk of meeting for dinner so Babs could introduce her boyfriend, but with one thing and another it had never transpired.

  The man to whom Barbara was engaging was naturally with her for the choosing of the ring. Twinks has decided he doesn't like him. He claimed he was even shiftier looking than the last bloke Barbara talked about getting engaged to, and look how that ended, in tears and recriminations. This one wouldn't be any more loyal to her. His eyes were too close together for a start, a sure sign of shiftiness. If they actually took the matrimonial plunge and had kids they'd inherit his Roman nose as well as his shifty eyes. There wouldn't be many nurseries willing to take a toddler with close-set eyes and a Roman nose. It would scare the other kiddies.

  Between the lines of bitchiness Twinkles was genuinely upset. He felt let down and discounted. He and Barbara used to be close. He always had a soft spot for her and they'd shared experiences, not least when her mad cousin staged their fake kidnapping and kept them prisoner on a canal boat.

  When she left the jewellers to train as a nurse they had promised each other they would always be friends and stay in touch and for a while they did. Then things changed. She was busy with her training and making new friends. Gradually they saw less of each other and spoke less on the phone. Her coming into the shop to buy a ring with her fiancé brought home to Twinks just how much he and she had drifted apart. It shook him, reminding him of a fact he hates, that life moves on and patterns change.

  I told him that while things had undeniably changed it didn't mean they were no longer friends. It was just the context had shifted. It cut no ice. He dwelled on it and then began twisting the facts. The date to meet Barbara’s boyfriend had never come off because he was homophobic and she was embarrassed at having a gay friend who was also transgender. He reckoned she had only come in the shop to get a good discount on her ring, which incidentally was a common sapphire and diamond cluster.

  His emotional equilibrium took a further tumble when Lulu announced he and Natalie had decided to throw in their lot together and house share. Moreover they decided it was high time they took the plunge and put a dainty stiletto on the property ladder. They were going to buy instead of rent. They applied for and as of last Friday were granted a joint mortgage on a luxury two bedroom riverside property. It's a lovely location and a lovely apartment with picture views of the river.

  On the surface it seems a good idea to share costs and company, though I can see problems arising if one or other becomes jobless, or one or other meets someone they want to live with. Lulu said with his track record there was more chance of an alien invasion than there was of him meeting Mr Right or even Mr Halfway Okay.

  If the worst came to the worst and Nat met the man of her dreams then he'd buy out her half of the mortgage or Nat could buy him out and he'd come and live with us. We could adopt him if we liked, to which Twinkles unkindly retorted he'd rather adopt the fleas from a tramp's underpants. The remark along with Twink's cool response to the new flat hurt Lulu and set them bickering and falling out.

  Twinks feels Lu has gone behind his back and worse he feels that Kevin conspired to make Lulu go behind his back and isn't speaking to him either. He’s still speaking to Natalie, but only to say nasty things, so no change there then.

  Twinkles perception of the situation with Barbara and Lulu is coloured not only with a touch of jealousy because they are enjoying milestones in life, but by a deep-rooted belief that people will ultimately withdraw their affections and reject him. He fears being ousted as Lulu's best friend and has convinced himself that Kev/Nat is set on slyly replacing him in Lu's affections.

  The remark he made early this morning about not liking his routine changed is true. His personality does not adapt well to changes in the framework of life. He's emotionally fragile. He sees change as something that will leave him bereft in some way. It's how he's made, or maybe the way life has shaped him.

  Ironically his reactions to the perceived threat often have the effect he fears, they drive a wedge between him and the people he cares for, like Barbara and Lulu. He becomes bitchy and critical and then feels hurt when people distance themselves from him. It seems to confirm his fears had substance and he has been rejected and become an outsider.

  I've told him to invite Barbara and her boyfriend over for a meal to celebrate their engagement and to also send them a nice card and gift so as to become a part of the situation as a friend, and the same with Lulu and Kevin. He should be congratulating them and taking pleasure in their excitement at their new ventures.

  At the moment he's still too invested in playing the martyr and feeling wronged. He'll gradually acclimatise to the changes and be happy for his friends. Hopefully before he pushes me over the border of patience and beyond the edge of sanity.

  I'm hoping the PP's bank holiday summer picnic tomorrow will see him and Lulu make friends again. Speaking of the PP picnic I'd better go and collect Twinkles from Teddy and Maurice's ‘dance studio.’ He’s been rehearsing his salsa and cha-cha-cha routines for the picnic. It has a Cuban theme this year. After that we're going to Karen and Paul's for an evening barbecue. Pray the rain holds off. Clouds are gathering.

  31st August ~ The Days of Life

  Almost September. The year is turning. I think my autumn blues are kicking in early, perhaps because it's been such a wash out of a summer or maybe because of the things that have happened this year. I don't know.

  I
thought about my nana today. It took me by surprise. I've hardly thought about her all year and suddenly she was there in my mind. It was strange. I was getting a drink from the water cooler at work when I got a whiff of some scent that reminded me of her. I don't know where it came from. Maybe it was some blip of the olfactory nerves?

  Before she became ill with Alzheimer's my nana used to be very prideful of her appearance. She liked to have her hair set and she always wore a dab of lipstick, no other makeup, just lipstick and a spray of some light floral scent that smelled like carnations and freesias, always the same one. We bought her new perfumes to try for Christmases and birthdays and she'd smile and thank us and then continue wearing the same old one. I think it was made by Woods Of Windsor, some old fashioned firm anyway. It was obviously something that reminded her of days gone by, days she wanted to hang onto when she was younger and her husband, my grandfather, was alive. When we were clearing her house prior to her going into the nursing home we found all the bottles of perfume we'd ever given her stored unopened in a drawer.

  As I stood at the water cooler the sense of her was so strong it triggered a whole array of memories. I had to leave the office and go for a walk because I thought I was going to cry. I had a lump like a golf ball in my throat. For a few moments I missed her so much it hurt. I was shaken by how raw I felt. I sat in my car for a while trying to get a handle on my emotions, as my mind insisted on roaming through random memories.

  I recalled nana's dressing table and the collection of photos it housed. There was a black and white photo of my grandfather dressed in army uniform. It had a message scrawled across the bottom corner telling Lily, as he called her, that he'd see her soon. There were pictures of my dad and his brother as little boys and one of my parents on their wedding day. There were also photos of grandchildren at various stages of life, including me. I wondered where that smiling carefree child had gone, that awkward teenager, that hopeful young man in the graduation photo that used to me?

  I reckon I was a misery to work with this afternoon. Karen kept asking if I was okay. Twinks was off today so I went straight home after work. The moment I saw him I put my arms around him and wet his hair with tears. He hugged me tight, murmuring it was just that bad old seasonal SAD thing again. He'd noticed it creeping up on me for the past few days. It would pass and in the meantime he’d hidden all the sharp knives and bought me some multivitamins to build me up.

  Holding him and feeling his warm breath against my neck, and then his lips on mine made me feel grounded again in the present. I told him about nana. He said he reckoned it was one of those things that happen to most of us, as we get older. It was a realisation that time passed never to return. You couldn’t reclaim it or change it and that's what makes you sad. He then got tearful and as a mode of managing it cattily reminded me I was older than him, and then we started laughing.

  He was right. I think my sadness was about mourning the days of my life that are forever gone, as much as missing and mourning the lovely lady that was my nan.

  He's engrossed in watching the final moments of Big Brother on telly. He’s screeching that Brian has won, whoever Brian is. I refuse to watch the show. Good luck to him all the same. No doubt this night will always be a memory for BB Brian. Life is a series of fleeting moments. We have to savour the good ones and do our best to salvage the bad ones.

  1st September ~ Pasta Hell

  What a beautiful warm and sunny day it’s been. Maybe we're set for an Indian summer to compensate for all the rain we've had. It would be nice. It's certainly good to have sunshine. I feel much less melancholy than I did yesterday. Be gone autumn blues!

  Twinks shook me awake at half past five this morning to tell me he needed to pee, but there was a winged creature in the bathroom and he couldn't go, not with it liable to attack him at any moment. I was to escort it off the premises forthwith. The creature was a crane fly. It's that time of year again. The dance of the daddy long legs is about to begin. I hope the damn things aren't as prolific as they were last year. My leg isn't up to the ballet performances involved in leaping around capturing the filmy insects.

  Being awoken early had its compensations. Twinks showed his gratitude for me evicting the crane fly with kisses, cuddles and an oral performance that had me gasping with appreciation. There proved to be an ulterior motive to his grateful thanks. As he lay snuggled in my arms afterwards he voiced a soft plea.

  “Please, please relent and let me go out this evening, Tarn, please?”

  I couldn’t see his eyes, but I guessed they’d be cat from Shrek eyes. Damn that manipulative creature. He continued.

  “It will be my last chance to dress up and have fun before we head into the shop forsaken wilderness. I’ll be good. I’ll be polite to everyone even Natalie.”

  I relented and gave him a free pass again. I’m too easily swayed. If there were such a thing as a Tops and Doms rating table for toughness I’d be right at the bottom of the leader board.

  He was a very bad boy at the PP's summer picnic last Monday. As a result I told him that as he was apparently incapable of acting with even a modicum of restraint and propriety then it was best he didn't go out at all. I was grounding him like the brat he’d behaved like.

  He was a terror, the scourge of the picnic. He had people running for cover as he spat out a hail of ripostes that were witty on top and pure acid beneath.

  The end came when he and Natalie had one of their spats during the SSSC - solo salsa suelta competition. Nat accidentally bumped hips with him and put him off his steps. Twinks refused to accept it was an accident and demanded Natalie be disqualified. They ended up rolling around the stage like a couple of hissing spitting hair-pulling feather-plucking hellcats.

  I decided enough was enough and we were going home before the police were called and poor Brian got charged with running a disorderly house. Before leaving Brian gave me a hug and said I deserved a fucking medal for managing to remain sane all these years.

  I was especially cross with Twinks because Martin was at the picnic, having been persuaded to attend by Brian. He’d been nervous enough to start with. The poor man looked terrified when Nat and Twinks kicked off and everyone else began baying and whooping encouragement. Steven would have loved the drama and been right in there with the whoopers and bayers, but Martin isn’t made that way.

  Come tomorrow Twinks and I going on holiday for a week to the Northumberland coast. We’re staying in my parent's static caravan by the sea. I call it paradise, he calls it hell, but he's going and he'll enjoy it once we're there. I'm looking forward to the peace and quiet.

  We're taking Gabby with us, just until Monday. She goes back to school on Tuesday so Frank will collect her on Monday evening. Katie isn't well at the moment and Frank is working over the weekend so we said we'd look after Gabby, not that she needs much looking after. She's eleven now. It was her birthday recently. She and a few friends went quad bike racing. Twinks enjoyed it, but I think he yearns for the days when a pink princess party was all Gabby wanted for her birthday. They grow up so fast.

  She goes to big school next week. She came to show us her new uniform a few days ago. Twinks was aghast at what he termed its double D effect. Dreary Drabness. How could children be expected to give of their best when shrouded in polyester garments of grey?

  Gabby agreed and said she would start a protest movement to bring in pink as part of the school uniform. She would campaign to make pink boas and pink ties compulsory items for boys and girls. He approved of her spirit and said she could count on his support. As soon as she went home I swatted his rump for encouraging rebellious ways in our neighbour's daughter.

  Whatever weather we get blessed with this coming week this holiday has to be better than our main holiday was this year. Horrible does not begin to describe it. We went to Sardinia back in July. It was supposed to be a ten-day break, but we cut it short and were back home after five days. The place itself, a charming ancient little fishing resort, was beaut
iful. Some of the local people were lovely, but our hotel was a nightmare and there was nowhere to transfer to. Mediterranean peoples are usually warm and accommodating, especially in the holiday regions, but not the people who owned the hotel we stayed in. They were less than accepting of Twinks and me. It was vastly different to our honeymoon Italian experience of last year.

  I still have a bad taste in my mouth from the whole affair. We were treated like third class citizens. Our room was left un-cleaned and the beds unmade. We were given the worst position in the dining room and the worst service. In fact we were met with barely concealed hostility.

  It got so bad that Twinkles didn't want to leave the hotel room because even when dressed right down he was treated like a leper. The evil old bitch helping her son run the place used to cross herself when he passed by or even spit on the floor. I suspect she was the main stirrer of ill will against us amongst the hotel staff. I'm not a violent man, certainly not towards ladies, but I could have held that spiteful prejudiced old hags head under water until she drowned and not suffered a qualm over it.

  The final straw came one evening when Twinks found a sliver of glass in a pasta salad he'd ordered for dinner. It was concealed inside a pasta shell and it cut his tongue, thankfully not badly, but it still hurt him and not just physically. He fled the dining room in tears. I was so angry that if I’d been Dr David Banner I’d have morphed into The Hulk there and then and taken the place apart.

  The hotel owner claimed it was a freak accident, a piece of broken wine glass that had somehow gone astray. I didn't believe a word of it. His mother the vicious old harridan suggested we had put the glass in the salad ourselves. I coldly told her what I thought of her and how I believed there was a place in hell reserved for her and I hope she burned there for eternity.

  I then just about turned the place inside out, threatening to bring in the police as well as the health and safety people. On the whole they were empty threats. I don’t think our complaints would have been taken seriously. We’d have likely been viewed as foreigners causing trouble.