Still Waters

by Linda Kavanagh

  Well, for now she wouldn’t say anything to anyone. That way, she could still pretend that everything was normal. Hannah was well aware how people reacted when someone they knew became ill. Their lives suddenly became filled with appointments and other activities that left no time to spare for their dying friend. People seemed to develop an almost primitive belief that terminal illnesses were contagious, or perhaps they just didn’t know what to say. Even the greeting ‘How are you’ became loaded with innuendo. Terminal illness became an embarrassment that changed relationships, and friends pussyfooted around, fearful of saying anything that might remind the dying person of their mortality. In doing so, they isolated them even more.

  Hannah sighed. Nor did she want to tell her sister Joan, at least not at present. She knew that her sister would react badly to the news, and she couldn’t bear the thought of watching Joan go to pieces. There’d be time enough for that when she became seriously ill. Right now, she intended carrying on just as before.

  Hannah wandered into the kitchen. As she made a pot of tea, she felt a sense of unreality and detachment from everything around her. It felt strange to think that your own body could turn against you so cruelly. Somewhere inside her, rogue cells were multiplying and taking over the work of her normal cells. Eventually, they’d take her over completely. What would it feel like? She’d forgotten to ask the doctor about the progression of the disease. She’d been so stunned by the news that her brain had turned to mush and she hadn’t asked the questions she needed to.

  Suddenly, Hannah felt a surge of anger. She wasn’t ready to go yet! She was only sixty-five, and had lots of living still to do. She wanted to be around to see Rosa married – maybe to the dark-haired man in the photos – and become a grandmother too.

  She wiped away a tear. Later on, when she’d become used to the idea herself, she’d tell a few close friends she could rely on, like Eleanor and Peter Morton. At some point she’d have to tell Rosa, but she’d wait until there was little time left for long drawn-out goodbyes. She didn’t want her daughter putting her career on hold – or maybe even ruining it – by coming back to nurse her dying mother.

  Angrily, Hannah pushed her mug of tea away. It brought her no comfort today.

  Chapter 42

  It felt strange being married, yet still in school. When Ivy returned to class after her wedding, she could see that her teachers and classmates viewed her very differently. Some of her classmates avoided her, and Ivy wondered if they feared that they, too, might become pregnant by association. She also found herself the victim of occasional barbs about stealing Rosa’s man, but in general, her classmates ignored her, which suited Ivy well. She was here to study and pass her exams, not to be popular. She understood the other girls’ reticence – she now inhabited a very different world from theirs. She was the only pupil wearing a wedding ring, and the only one who walked home from school with her husband.

  Despite Ivy’s isolation from many of the other girls, her classmate Clara Bellingham was loyal and supportive, as was her new sister-in-law Peggy, in the class below her. It felt strange not having Rosa in school any more, and Ivy occasionally wondered how she was getting on in London. By all accounts, she was doing very well, and Hannah was always quick to let people know that her daughter had survived Danny’s rejection and was building a new life for herself.

  Sometimes, Ivy felt unreasonably jealous of Rosa; she’d escaped the small-town mentality of Willow Haven, whereas Ivy was still trapped there until she and Danny could leave school and move to London too. At times, Ivy felt like urging Danny to leave the village with her immediately. After all, Rosa appeared to be doing well without any qualifications. But then she’d remember her pregnancy, and the help she’d need delivering her baby. And of course there was her application to RADA – she wasn’t prepared to give up on her dream.

  It also felt strange to be living in Danny’s bedroom at the Heartleys’ home above the shop. But Fred had been adamant that there was plenty of room, especially since Julia and Joe were no longer there. Ivy would have preferred to stay with her own parents, but it was assumed that a married couple would want to be together, and both families agreed that it made sense for them to stay at the Heartley home.

  Danny’s room already contained a double bed, so there was little room for Ivy’s clothes and personal possessions, and sometimes she wanted to scream. Several times she begged Danny to move his photographic equipment to someplace else, but his answers were always evasive. Finally, he’d suggested that Ivy store her possessions in his late mother’s bedroom next door, but Ivy had no intention of using the room in which Julia had been found dead. On her way to and from their bedroom, she’d creep past Julia’s room, never daring to go inside, wondering if death lingered in the atmosphere long after a person was gone. Ivy was now uniquely privy to the knowledge that Fred and Julia had inhabited separate bedrooms though, like most people in the village, she was already well aware that the Heartleys’ relationship had been deteriorating for a long time prior to Julia’s death.

  Neither Danny nor Fred ever suggested she use Joe’s bedroom, presumably because they still hoped he’d return home someday soon. For that Ivy was grateful – she knew she’d never cope with the pain of loss she’d feel each time she had to see Joe’s possessions, and especially the bed where he’d slept the night before their ill-fated trip …

  One evening, after she’d finished her homework, Ivy decided to clear a space beneath Danny’s bed once and for all. She figured that if she pushed his possessions over to one side, she might be able to store her hairdryer and some of her shoes there. Down on her hands and knees, she’d just begun moving Danny’s photographic equipment to one side when her husband returned to the room. In an instant, his usually happy face contorted into rage.

  “Hey – don’t you dare touch any of my stuff!” he shouted angrily, scrambling beneath the bed, checking to see what she’d moved.

  Ivy burst into tears, and Danny was instantly contrite.

  “Sorry, Ivy – I didn’t mean to be short with you,” he said softly, as he kissed her tear-stained face.

  “Then why did you shout at me?” Ivy whimpered. It was the first time Danny had ever spoken sharply to her, and she didn’t like it. She was also furious with herself for crying. No doubt her overreaction was caused by all the pregnancy hormones racing round inside her body.

  Danny looked at her sheepishly. “Look, I’m really sorry, love – but I’ve hidden a surprise for you under the bed, and I don’t want you discovering it yet!”

  “Why can’t I have it now?” Ivy said petulantly. “Why are you making me wait?” She knew she was being unreasonable, but she intended making Danny pay for his hurtful outburst.

  “It’s not the right time yet, but you’ll get it soon,” Danny promised her. “I hope you’ll feel it was worth waiting for. But please, in the meantime, don’t go near my stuff under the bed – promise?”

  Ivy nodded. “Promise.”

  The following Saturday Danny brought Ivy breakfast in bed.

  “Wake up, sleepyhead!” he called, a silly grin on his face.

  Yawning, Ivy sat up. This was a lifestyle she could happily get used to …

  “Happy anniversary!” Danny whispered, placing the tray beside her. “I’m the luckiest man in the world – we’re married three whole months today!”

  Ivy smiled. “Is that why you’ve been keeping my surprise under the bed?”

  Danny nodded. “I’ve been saving it especially for today. But you’ll have to eat your breakfast first, Mrs Heartley.”

  Ivy smiled. She liked being called Mrs Heartley. Even if the Mr Heartley she’d married wasn’t the one she’d originally wanted …

  “What’s my surprise, Danny?”

  “Don’t be so impatient!” he teased. “It’s still under the bed – I’ll give it to you when you’ve cleared your plate!”

  As Ivy munched her toast, she was genuinely excited. Danny was unbelievably romantic –
how many other men would think of a three-month anniversary? While she couldn’t claim to love him yet, she was definitely feeling a lot more positive about their future together …

  When Ivy finished her breakfast, she put her tray on the bedside table and looked expectantly at her husband. Grinning, Danny crawled under the bed and brought out a small box from behind his photographic equipment, and handed it to Ivy. Opening it, she was astonished to find a diamond ring inside.

  “It’s not a very big diamond, but it’s all I could afford,” he explained. “I wanted you to have an engagement ring – I know the wedding ring came first – but I wanted everything to be right for you, Ivy. I love you so much.”

  Gently he slid off her wedding ring, slipped on the engagement ring then replaced her wedding ring over it. It fitted perfectly.

  “Someday, I’ll get you a really big diamond,” he whispered.

  Vehemently, Ivy shook her head. “This is all I want – no other diamond could ever mean as much as this one does,” she whispered.

  Instinctively, they reached for each other, and slowly and languidly, they began to make love.

  Chapter 43

  After a month of exhausting days on Bright Lights, which involved working late several nights during the week and at weekends as well, Ivy was regretting the two weeks’ free time she’d blagged from Colin. He was now making her pay by working her to death! But she was well aware that the filming schedule for a television soap opera was relentless. Episodes were broadcast five nights a week, so there was no time for slacking or for hissy fits from either cast or crew. It was work, work, work, with everyone pulling together as a tightly knit team.

  Despite her workload, Ivy made sure to anonymously phone the offices of the local Council for Willow Haven each week, and had been relieved to discover that the proposed work on Harper’s Lake was still out to tender. Her most recent enquiries had elicited the best news of all – on this occasion, the woman at the Council offices had been in a chatty mood, and had expressed doubts that the project would get started before the end of the year. “The tenders are all way over budget,” she’d confided. “So there’s a lot of bickering going on at Council meetings.”

  Finally, Ivy had a weekend free. And since Danny was up north on a fact-finding mission with two other Betterbuys directors, she’d decided to return to Willow Haven. A weekend wasn’t ideal, but she was nevertheless going armed again with a swimsuit and goggles. She’d have to risk being spotted by the mystery caller, but it would all be worth it when this person no longer had any hold over her.

  But when she arrived in Willow Haven, Ivy discovered that her mother had other plans for her time.

  “If you’re expecting us to go to South Africa for Owen’s wedding, you’ll have to do something about your father!” Eleanor told her daughter, a determined look on her face. “Assuming you’ll be jogging each morning, you’ll have to take him with you – he’ll never lose weight if he doesn’t get out there and exercise.”

  Reluctantly, Ivy agreed. Much as she loved her father’s company, having him in tow would make it impossible to carry out her plan. She’d been relieved by the comments of the woman in the Council offices, but she couldn’t take them as Gospel. And once the tender was awarded, work on the lake could start immediately.

  “You’ll also have to visit Hannah,” Eleanor informed her. “I was right, you know – of course, you wouldn’t believe me that anything was wrong, would you?”

  Ivy acknowledged her mother’s astuteness with a nod of her head.

  “Your father and I are the only ones she’s told – she doesn’t want people knowing she’s got cancer yet. I’m only telling you because, well, you might be able to talk some sense into her.”

  “About what?”

  Her mother gave an enigmatic smile. “Just go and see her.”

  Ivy nodded. Her weekend was unravelling by the minute.

  “Hannah – it’s so good to see you again!”

  Hugging her old neighbour, Ivy had to call on all her acting skills so as not to let her dismay show. The once well-built and rosy-cheeked woman had already lost weight, which didn’t suit her at all. She looked gaunt, and it was only when she smiled that Ivy saw the old Hannah she knew so well.

  Ivy placed a bouquet of flowers and a large box of chocolates on the coffee table, wondering guiltily if Hannah was still capable of swallowing anything like a sweet, since she looked very frail. Then she sat down beside Hannah and took the elderly woman’s hand in hers.

  “How are you, Hannah?” she asked, although it was a rhetorical question. Hugging Hannah’s fragile frame had told Ivy all she needed to know.

  “I’m fine,” Hannah told her, her eyes filling with delight. “Thanks for dropping in, Ivy – it’s not everyone who has a TV star calling to see them! And thanks for the chocolates – they’re my favourites! But you really shouldn’t have –”

  “Of course I should – you deserve a treat,” said Ivy brightly, trying to dispel the lump in her throat. She hoped she wouldn’t start crying, but she was shocked at Hannah’s shrunken appearance.

  “So your mother told you.”

  Ivy nodded.

  “Well, I’d be grateful if you’d keep it to yourself,” Hannah said. “The only people I’ve told are your parents – in fact, I think your mother guessed something was wrong even before I did.”

  “Why don’t you want anyone to know?” Ivy asked, exasperated.

  Hannah’s mouth was taut. “Because people’s attitudes change when they know you’re terminally ill,” she replied. “People start pitying you, and I don’t want anyone changing their behaviour towards me.” She smiled impishly. “I’ve explained the weight loss by telling people I’m on a diet. So please, Ivy – don’t tell anyone, not even Danny.”

  Reluctantly Ivy agreed. “If you’re sure, Hannah …”

  Seeing Ivy glancing at her computer, Hannah’s face lit up. “It was so good of Danny to give me the computer and the lesson, Ivy. Luckily, I got the hang of it very quickly.”

  “He told me you were a brilliant pupil!”

  Hannah smiled in acknowledgement. “I’ve just had a lovely email from Rosa,” she said. “Here, come and read it, Ivy.”

  With a look of pride, Hannah sat down and scrolled down her computer screen, opening the most recent email. Ivy was pleased that Hannah had taken to the computer like the proverbial duck to water. Being able to use it gave her and her daughter a lot more flexibility.

  According to the email, Rosa was now flying the New York to San Francisco route, and was enjoying it immensely. Her bubbly email was filled with news about a recent visit to San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge, and a boat-ride to the once infamous Alcatraz prison, now a museum. The email seemed to indicate that Rosa was happy with her life, and enjoying the opportunities her job offered for travel.

  Ivy felt a brief surge of warmth towards Rosa. She was glad she kept in touch with her mother regularly, even though she had never been back in Willow Haven since that fateful day she’d left for London. Hannah was the one who made all the journeys to London and elsewhere to visit her daughter. Suddenly Ivy felt annoyed for poor Hannah. Surely, now that her mother was ill, Rosa would come and visit her?

  Then it suddenly dawned on Ivy – Hannah hadn’t told Rosa about the cancer! It would be typical of Hannah to keep her illness to herself, for fear of being a burden on Rosa. She wouldn’t want to curtail her daughter’s life by being needy.

  “You haven’t told Rosa, have you?”

  Hannah shook her head. “Please – I don’t want Rosa to know, Ivy. Not yet, anyway. Look, I’m fine at the moment – if Rosa finds out, she’ll feel obliged to come back here, and you know how she hates this place.”

  “She can hardly still feel bad about what happened with Danny – Hannah, that’s years ago!” said Ivy in exasperation.

  “Be that as it may, I don’t want to disrupt her life. If she took time off, she could jeopardise that great job she has …�
�� Momentarily, Hannah looked sad, and her voice dropped so low that Ivy could barely hear what she was saying, “although I’d hoped she might have married and had children by now …”

  “Hannah, you’re not well,” Ivy said crossly, realising that this was why her mother had wanted her to ‘talk some sense’ into Hannah. “You need your family around you at a time like this.”

  “Look, I’m fine, Ivy,” Hannah assured her. “I don’t intend telling my sister Joan yet either – she’s a terrible fusspot. I just want to get on with what’s left of my life in peace.”

  “Hannah, Rosa would want to know.”

  “I’ll tell her later, when I’m a bit further along the road –”

  They both knew Hannah meant when she was a bit closer to death.

  “Okay, Hannah,” said Ivy resignedly. “If you’re sure everything is okay –”

  “Oh yes, everything’s fine!” Hannah replied, relieved that Ivy wasn’t going to browbeat her any further.

  Well, something has to be done about the situation, Ivy thought to herself. She couldn’t let Hannah’s pride and Rosa’s ignorance keep the two of them apart. Hannah didn’t look at all well, and Ivy suspected the end might be closer than even Hannah realised. How awful for Rosa if her mother ended up in hospital – or dead – without her even knowing she was ill, and how awful for Hannah to die without the comfort of her daughter beside her.

  Ivy looked closely at the email, but of course there was no address or phone number on it. She supposed she could email Rosa, but she felt that news as devastating as Hannah’s illness should be delivered in person. It would be easier to convey the seriousness of her mother’s situation face to face. Ivy felt certain that when Rosa was made aware of the situation, she’d come back to Willow Haven immediately.