The Exception To The Rule

by Rinyu, Beth

  “Yes, I am a doctor but I’m Matty’s mom first and it takes on a whole different perspective when it’s your own child that you’re watching suffer. Maybe you would realize that if you stopped treating him as one of your cases and more like your son.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” he asked.

  “Don’t you see; this isn’t one of your patients - this is your child? Perhaps you should stop thinking a little less like a doctor and more like a father.” I realized that I was sounding a little harsher than I intended.

  “Well forgive me Kat if I don’t have this whole parenting thing down as well as you. I’ve only had a few weeks’ experience as opposed to your five years.”

  “Are you going to hold that over my head for the rest of my life?” I asked.

  “I don’t know – are you going to stop acting like it’s my fault that you’ve been raising him alone for the past five years?”

  “Well, isn’t it, in a way?” I snapped back.

  “Okay Kat – I can’t wait to hear this one. How the hell is it my fault?”

  “Oh don’t you remember – your career came first. You left me no choice, Julian.”

  He shook his head in disgust as he moved closer to me and his voice became harsher. “You always had a choice; you could have picked up the phone at any time and told me and I would have been there for him in a minute. Don’t blame me because you wanted to play the victim. I don’t walk away from my responsibilities – when I know they exist.”

  “I wanted to play the victim? Are you kidding me? You have no idea what I went through or how I felt. You think that I actually wanted to raise my son alone without his father?” I realized my voice was growing louder and I was hoping that Matty didn’t hear me while he was in the shower.

  “Then why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

  I looked away, suddenly my strong demeanor was disappearing. “Because I wanted you to want to be with us, not because you felt like you had to.” I said finally meeting his gaze.

  He was silent as he stared at me intently before exiting the room. I heard the shower turn off in the bathroom and knew that Matty would soon be coming out. I tried my best to pull it together.

  I sighed deeply. The last thing I wanted to do was to strike up a fight with him. I just wanted him to see things differently instead of his black-and-white way of thinking. But this was his livelihood; what he had trained for most of his life, to cure cancer. He didn’t have any experience with being a father. Just a few weeks ago he didn’t even know he had a son. Deep down inside I knew he was right, I had to try to pull it together a little better for Matty’s sake but I would never be able to see Matty as just another patient – he was my reason for living, my whole world, and for feeling that way, I would never feel guilty.

  * * * * *

  Thankfully the week was over and so was the first round of treatments. Julian had gone back to Chicago. It had been just me with Matty for the past few days. I was very impressed with myself in dealing with his bouts of nausea, which made me realize that I was a lot stronger than I had thought, where Matty was concerned.

  We checked out of the hospital and headed home. Claire was over, stocking up my freezer. She had cooked enough dinners to get me through the next week. She also bought a couple boxes of ice pops to help with Matty’s mouth sores that he had contracted; another side effect from the chemo.

  “Welcome home!” Claire hugged him and handed him a bag containing one of the new action figures that he had wanted.

  “Thank you,” he said, smiling.

  “You are very welcome.”

  He slowly made his way into his bedroom to add it to his collection.

  We sat down for a cup of coffee. She told me that Charles had wanted to come see him but was just getting over a bad cold. Matty’s immune system was weakened and he couldn’t take a chance of picking up any germs.

  I went into Matty’s room to check on him and he was fast asleep on his bed. I covered him up, placing his teddy bear next to him.

  “He’s sound asleep,” I said to Claire as she prepared to leave.

  “Well maybe you should go take a nap too; you look exhausted,” she said.

  I walked her to the door and watched her drive away. I stood in the kitchen not knowing what to do next. The ringing from inside my purse startled me when I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Julian.

  “Hey,” I answered.

  “How’s Matty?” He got right to the point.

  “He’s fine; he’s sleeping now. He’s dealing with some mouth sores but he’s toughing it out,” I said.

  “Just make sure you keep on him about washing his hands and don’t let that dog around him.”

  Here we go again, I thought to myself. “Yes - I know.”

  “Is he still vomiting?”

  “Yes, but not as much.”

  “Well, just have him eat smaller, more frequent meals with more protein and fats, not all of that junk that you allow him to eat.”

  I wanted to scream, but I tried my best to stay calm. “Okay, Julian.”

  I heard a women’s voice in the background. “Julian, are you ready?”

  “I’ll be right there,” he responded. “Kat, I have to run, are you going to be okay with everything?” he asked.

  “Yes I’m fine; I’m a doctor, remember? Go lecture your girlfriend there with your medical advice.” I knew I was sounding catty but I was beyond annoyed with him at this point.

  “What?” he laughed. “That’s not my girlfriend, she’s –”

  I cut him off and did my best to mimic him. “Look, Julian, I really don’t care who you date, just as long as you don’t introduce her to Matty. You wouldn’t want him to become attached to someone who’s not going to be in his life permanently.”

  “You are incorrigible,” he said.

  “I’m incorrigible! Oh, so it’s okay for you to make assumptions but – ”

  “Goodbye, Kat.” I could hear a little laughter in his voice as if he were amused by the rise the he had gotten out of me.

  “Ugh!” I screamed as I tossed my cell phone back into my purse. I hated when he did that. Every time he would get my blood boiling, he would just walk away or hang up the phone calmly.

  I knew that I was probably just being overly sensitive because I was so tired. Maybe Claire was right; maybe I should try to take a nap. I had no idea what kind of night Matty would have on his first night home, so I should be prepared with at least a little rest. I went into my bedroom to lie down and tossed and turned, unable to relax. I finally gave up after about twenty minutes and a million thoughts running through my mind.

  I decided to opt for plan B instead, which was more coffee. I walked past Matty’s room and peeked in on him. He looked so peaceful. I went into his bedroom, slipping under his blanket, curling up with him. I felt a wave of calmness overcome me as I laid there with him, listening to him breathe. I loved that Julian was in his life now. I loved it even more how much Matty had taken to him. But the selfish side of me missed my one-on-one time with my little boy. I closed my eyes, hugging him tightly, finally able to relax a bit.

  Chapter 31

  Matty was done with his third round of treatments and it had finally taken its toll on him. He looked like a cancer patient now. His already thin body was emaciated, he was pale with huge dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was completely gone. I had been working one day a week, but decided to take a complete leave of absence. There was just no possible way I could mentally have my mind at work. He had a few infections in between treatments that scared me a great deal. I knew that the worst was yet to come with the bone marrow transplant, scheduled in three days.

  He was getting depressed because he was allowed only limited contact with anyone. His immune system was at its weakest and they wanted to prevent him from contracting any germs, which meant he wasn’t able to see Charles, Claire, Tricia, or James. I completely understood but he was having a very hard time with it
.

  Julian was flying in tonight and had taken some time off as well. He was going in for the donation process the day before Matty would receive the transplant. This was the step in this whole scary journey that terrified me the most. I knew everything that could go wrong with a bone marrow transplant and the pain that the recipient goes through.

  It was Christmas Eve and I was trying to make it just as special as Christmases past. It was upsetting for Matty to not have the usual people around as in previous years. But having Julian here and spending their first Christmas together would also mean a lot to him as well. I had to do most of my shopping online. I hadn’t been able to get out much due to the circumstances. I made sure that Santa left the same amount of toys that he did every year. I got Julian a watch from Matty, which he excitedly picked all on his own as we shopped online.

  Matty was in his pajamas anxiously awaiting Santa and Julian. We were watching TV and sipping hot chocolate when Julian arrived, with a bagful of presents.

  “Wow!” Matty responded as he greeted him at the door seeing all of the presents.

  “Santa came to Chicago already and told me to make sure that these got to you,” Julian said, smiling.

  “Mommy, look!” Matty exclaimed.

  “You must have been a really good boy this year.” I smiled at Matty’s enthusiasm.

  “Is it raining out?” I asked Julian, noticing his hair and coat were wet.

  “It’s snowing,” he replied.

  I walked over to the window and looked up at the full moon. There was a blanket of snow already on the ground as the snow continued to fall. I imagined what a picture perfect Christmas Eve this would have been if only Matty weren’t sick.

  “Snow!” Matty exclaimed as he looked out the window.

  “Tomorrow can we build a snowman, please?” he asked Julian.

  Julian looked at him sadly. “You know what, that isn’t very good snow for a snowman, why don’t you open up your presents?”

  He slowly began to open the presents. He normally would rip through each one in no time. This year he just seemed to be missing the whole spark that he had at Christmas, making me very sad. He had finally gotten through the last one, trying to figure out which toy to play with first.

  “Hey Matty, I think that Santa dropped off a present for your mom too,” Julian said as he pointed to a smaller wrapped box under the tree.

  Matty quickly got up to retrieve the box, handing it to me. I was totally shocked, not at all expecting a gift from Julian. I opened it up revealing a beautiful gold bracelet. I immediately put in on my wrist, and it was a perfect fit.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “Mommy, why are you thanking him? Santa brought it, silly,” Matty said.

  “Oh, that’s right, thank you to Santa.” I looked at Julian as he smiled.

  Matty was so excited, he whispered in my ear asking if he could give Julian his present. I told him where it was as he went off to get it.

  I waited until he was out of earshot. “Thank you. It’s really beautiful, you didn’t have to…” I was cut off by Matty, who quickly returned with Julian’s gift.

  “This is from me,” he said proudly. “I picked it out all by myself, but Mommy had to pay for it because I don’t have money.”

  Julian and I both laughed.

  He opened it up slowly. “Wow, this is cool.”

  Matty smiled from ear to ear. “Mommy says its waterprood.”

  “Waterproof,” I corrected him.

  He continued on, not missing a beat, “so next time we go fishing you can wear it and get it wet.”

  “This is the best present ever, Matty.” Julian picked him up and put him on his lap. He gave him a hug and kiss. I grabbed my camera and took a picture of the two of them. I stared at the picture on my camera screen. It didn’t even look like my Matty. The only things that I recognized were his beautiful blue eyes. That was the one thing that these treatments couldn’t take away from him. He looked truly happy in the picture and I took comfort in that.

  Matty gasped as if he had forgotten something. “We have really good cookies that my mommy made; I’ll get you some,” he said, jumping down off Julian’s lap. He headed off to the kitchen to grab some.

  “Are you hungry?” I asked Julian, realizing I didn’t even offer him anything to eat with all the excitement.

  “No, not at all,” he said, running his hand through his hair. He looked like he was exhausted—all of the traveling and long work days were finally catching up to him.

  Matty set a huge plate of cookies on the coffee table and it didn’t take him long to fall asleep after he came down from his cookie high. He was on a barrage of medications, most of which made him sleepy. Julian carried him into his bed while I placed all of his presents from Santa under the tree.

  I was sitting on the couch trying to figure out how to put batteries in one of Matty’s presents. Julian sat down next to me, taking it from my hand. He was able to figure it out right away.

  “Thanks for making this Christmas special for him,” I said.

  He looked at me as if there were no need to be thanking him. I felt myself getting disheartened thinking of Matty and how sick and frail he had looked tonight. Julian must have sensed my feelings.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “I’m just so scared, that he’s not going to make it through this,” I said, tearing up.

  “Why would you think that? All of his tests are coming back perfect, his levels are right where they should be.”

  “I’m just scared of this transplant, I’m scared of him being in pain, being all alone,” I said. “If anything were to happen to him, I wouldn’t be able to go on. I would die right along with him.” I was unable to hold the tears back.

  “The transplant isn’t going to be easy for him, but you have to stay positive,” he said gently.”

  He moved closer and wiped a tear away that was streaming down my face. I was bogged down by emotion and could no longer contain myself. I leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips. He responded positively by kissing me back with more intensity. Before I knew it, my simple little brush on the lips had turned into a full blown passionate kiss. I felt the same butterflies in my stomach that I had grown so accustomed to whenever he was around. Our lips remained engaged as he pushed me down on the couch. He was on top of me as his hands began to move about my body. I pulled him closer; it felt so good to have him in my arms again. He began to kiss my neck with intensity as my insides awakened from their long slumber. I had never wanted someone as badly as I wanted him right now. I patiently waited for his next move but instead – he stopped. He sat up, leaving me wanting more.

  “I’m sorry Kat, I just -,” he said looking like he was still trying to gain control of himself.

  “It’s okay,” I said as I sat up and kissed him again letting him know that I was perfectly fine with it. Only this time instead of responding positively he pushed me away.

  “We can’t do this,” he said.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “I don’t want to make things complicated between us.”

  “I think we’re way past complicated Julian.”

  “Look, what just happened was a mistake,” he said.

  I bit my lower lip and took a deep breath. “I won’t expect any promises,” I didn’t want to sound desperate but I wanted him badly.

  He ran his hand through his hair looking like he was deep in thought. “This isn’t about us anymore - it’s about Matty,” he said.

  There I had it - his words hit me like a ton of bricks, but he was right. He was here for Matty, not to reclaim any unfinished business between us and I needed to come to terms with that. We seemed to be at a pretty good place now and I didn’t want to ruin that. But I still couldn’t deny that I was still so attracted to him.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “No, I’m sorry,” he said, as he walked over to the window to look at the falling snow.

  I stared bl
ankly at the dancing flames in the fireplace trying to remove what had just transpired from my mind and ignore the longing for him inside of me. Tomorrow was Christmas. I would soon be feeling the same joy that I had felt every year, seeing the look on Matty’s face as he woke up to see all of the presents that Santa had left under the tree. I was going to cook a nice dinner for the three of us and just focus on enjoying the day. Even though I had caught another glimpse of the old Julian tonight, I knew that he was long gone. I tried my hardest to convince myself that Julian was now just Matty’s dad and not the man I had once loved so deeply.

  Chapter 32

  The day I had tried to put out of my mind was finally here. Julian was already in for the extraction. His part was fairly simple. He would be in some pain for a day or so. It was recommended by the doctor performing the extraction that he stay in the hospital overnight. Julian was adamant that he would not. I tried convincing him several times, to no avail.

  Matty was all checked in as well. He was receiving one more round of chemo and the transplant would take place tomorrow. He was in a regular room for now. Once the transplant took place he would be moved to a specially filtered room with isolation requirements and a strict hygiene regimen. I sat next to him as he was poked and prodded. His little arm was black and blue from all of the needles. They didn’t even seem to bother him anymore; it was as if he were numb to it all.

  “Where’s Daddy?” His blue eyes looked so inquisitive.

  I explained as best I could about what was happening to Julian. Matty had a look of alarm on his face. I reassured him that Julian would be fine.

  I sat with him all morning, waiting for all of the testing to be complete. He was on several different medications that made him sleepy. He couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer as he dozed off.

  I decided to use the time that he was asleep to check on Julian. I walked into his hospital room surprised to see that he was already dressed. He was sitting on his bed checking emails on his phone. He seemed paler then usual and his eyes weren’t the normal spellbinding shade of blue. The color looked familiar to me. I quickly realized they were the same color as Matty’s when he was under the weather.