So A Comedian Walks Into Church
Page 20
57 Smirnoff Ice, dating attempts and karaoke.
58 Not as in ‘home’.
59 Clang.
60 Not fact.
Afterword
When I Surveyed the Wondrous Cross-Section of UK Christianity
Numbers are down, innovation is difficult to find, and invariably there’s some over-casual middle-class man trying to keep the attention of a half- full room of starers. Comedy circuit or church? The accusation’s been put to both. Yet, in my travels I’ve found that while both can contain this stereotype, if you seek it out, you’ll find growing numbers, creativity, and involving, dynamic people fronting these rooms of joy.
Hopefully the previous 176 pages[61] have given a snapshot of both stand-up and kneel-down circuits. Both have evolved from, ‘If you don’t like the exact way we do it, tough - you can watch Songs of Praise/Live at the Apollo at home’. Certainly among Christians, evolution hasn’t always come naturally.
Nowadays if you have a vague sense of humour, there’ll be live comedy for you: from the bombastic chains of Jongleurs and Highlight, to the edgier independent nights in venues like Brighton’s Komedia and Sheffield’s Last Laugh, to the arts centres and live tours of cerebral Radio 4 stars or low-key comedy-music acts. Comedy now even fills stadia and arenae,[62]/[63] yet often the same acts are performing in a local comedy cellar in front of forty people for a quarter of the ticket price. You can choose your comedy-going, and there’s something for everyone.
Equally if you have a vague sense of a Christian soul, there will be a church for you. Every TV show seems to depict the same centuries-old stained-glass Anglican church, with a cassocked vicar and maybe a Dad’s Army verger and a Vicar of Dibley committee. The truth is that there are small churches, big churches and mega-churches, meeting in theatres and cinemas and cafés and pubs. Some churches even meet in churches. There are traditionalists and forward-thinkers, lovers of ritual and armies of activists.
In this book I’ve endeavoured to represent both comedy and Christi- anity fairly, and to help with the latter, I set up an online survey about church life. I must thank the 268 respondents, who were frank about their own church experiences: encouraging and uplifting, as well as occasionally airing a few concerns. Their help was invaluable. If I may focus a little more on the churchy side than the comedy side to sum up, here’s some of what they said ...
49% attend Anglican churches
30% are Evangelical
21% are Charismatic
18% go to Baptist churches
16% are Methodist
7% class themselves Pentecostal
4% are Roman Catholic
Some commented that divisions in the church were too great: ‘There’s too much fear and prejudice between Christian denominations,’ said one person. ‘We need greater understanding of different styles of connecting with God.’ There are many ways to the mountain top, it seems. Others observed that too much is made of the differences: ‘They’re becoming less and less important.’ ‘Most Christians just get on with it,’ said another. The point that ‘Thinking differently is good and valuable,’ was made by a dozen or so people, ironically.
Lines will always be drawn somewhere though: Roman Catholics don’t permit Protestants to partake in communion, and groups such as Christian Scientists and Jehovah’s Witnesses veer significantly from the mainstream. I once dated a Christian Spiritualist, who saw herself and her church as Christian - it’s even in the name. For me, it had drifted too far. This wasn’t dog collars versus open-neck shirts, like the distinction between some churches. Somewhere around the idea of Ouija boards at a Sunday service, my mental barriers went up.
But divisions wound us. Throughout this book, I’ve spoken about different forms of Christianity, but we shouldn’t dwell on these differences. All they represent is that we are human, we are diverse, and as we gather together, different expressions of worship will emerge.
Resultantly, respondents spoke of great differences in worship and presentation styles. A third used Gifts of the Spirit, such as speaking in tongues. But one commented: ‘Spiritual gifts are a hot potato: they’re talked about, taught about, sometimes used, but rarely encouraged.’ Two- thirds didn’t think spontaneity was encouraged in services. Delightfully, very few found services either long or boring - and it was an anonymous survey so they could have said so if they thought it.[64]
Descriptions of church ranged from ‘growing church plants’[65] to High Anglican ‘bells and smells’, via ‘Anglo-Catholic mixed with Charismatic Evangelical’, ‘Post-evangelical’ and even the baffling ‘Revangelical’, which must either mean that it’s evangelical again, or that it’s a spelling mistake. Some were part of ‘church without walls’: groups in cafés, or a market traders’ church, or what one described as ‘radical panto-style’.[66]
Traditional worship is still very popular, and many attend for the ritual. One said that her new church lacked regular Holy Communion, which made her realise its importance to her. It was argued too that many at home in ‘traditional’ churches (with an orthodox liturgy, and cathedral-style music) want to be socially inclusive. Those who want women bishops and gay priests shouldn’t seek them only in new-builds; old-fashioned style doesn’t mean old-fashioned values.
One woman spoke of her church becoming more - and too - traditional. Tradition is not something you only move away from, but something you can move towards and aspire to have, or avoid. The pitfalls of tradition were apparent too: one commented that Christianity could be let down by ritualistic ‘Sunday-only Christians’. Refreshingly 71% of respondents agreed that ‘church’ happens on Monday to Saturday, more than on Sundays. Yet Sundays were still seen as sacred: ‘I’d like “Happy Sunday” to become a regular expression, like “Happy Christmas”,’ said one surveyee.
76% thought their church focused strongly on biblical teaching, while 19% felt it not to be a priority, with a further 5% who said the Bible was barely taught at all. The statistics were similar for sung worship and prayer. Most said that instead, the emphases of their churches were on serving the local community and welcoming newcomers. It meant that half felt church wasn’t challenging enough, but there was a real sense that local church should be a hub of help. Some said we could go further: ‘We’re too concerned with “style of worship” or the colour of the floor. We need to be serving the community around us.’
A major frustration was the division between change-resisters in church and those seeking to move forward and attract youth, or those put off by tradition. ‘We need to get over the gay thing’, was a common comment. One said,‘I know several people (gay and straight) who wouldn’t set foot near a church now, and that’s not good,’ and another admitted that homophobes in the church often made them embarrassed to be a Christian. 73% wanted the focus of their church to be on inclusivity rather than on judgement, while 9% preferred the other way round.
Many expressed keen interest in taking church to people rather than expecting them to walk through ancient doors, expressed by one replier: ‘Get out of the building and show His love.’ Yet one woman (who only attended her traditional church because her husband worked there) was frustrated that attempts to try alternative forms of church were ‘fragile’ and ‘regarded as dodgy’ by the mainline church. Another enjoyed the ‘varied styles of worship found at events such as Greenbelt’, but found them so rarely at Sunday services that they attended ‘more out of obligation than enthusiasm’, until the more alternative forms of worship find a place in the four walls of a church.
I asked what would make a perfect church, and many - even most - replied saying there was no such thing on this earth, although three said a perfect church should be messy, with cake. Church is imperfect, because we are: ‘That’s why I fit in so well,’ explained one punter. Groucho Marx said that he wouldn’t belong to any club that would have him as a memb
er. Hopefully those who think the same about churches will come anyway. 48% of repliers said their churches gain new people all the time, so despite the media’s impression, UK church looks in rude health. With a little movement on alternative forms of worship and greater social inclusion, that health will only get, er, ruder.
For my part, I love the diversity of the church, from Rogators to Quakers to Candlestick Catholics, just as I love the variety of the comedy circuit, whether cruise shows, fringe shows or cringe shows. There is no such thing as the perfect venue, the perfect gig or the perfect church. Perfection may be beautiful, but imperfection is pretty darn appealing.
I’m aware that I haven’t given the punchline yet, of this book. So a comedian walks into a church ...
Well, like the saying goes, always leave the audience wanting m
61 So Amazon.com reports - impressive they know the page count, given I’m still writing this.
62 I’m told ‘stadiums’ and ‘arenas’ are both acceptable words, but if you can’t Latinly pluralise in a book about churches, when can you?
63 I know ‘Latinly’ is not an acceptable word. And that it’s not the done thing to do footnotes on your footnotes. Sorry.
64 Although I suppose God is always watching.
65 Church plants are not like house plants but in a church; they’re offshoots of a church planted elsewhere across town. A bit like a spider plant. Which is, confusingly, a house plant.
66 I can only assume ‘panto-style’ church features organists creeping behind vicars (‘He’s behind you!’) and worship lyrics being pointed to with a big stick. The response to, ‘The peace of the Lord be with you,’ changes from, ‘And also with you,’ to, ‘Oh no it isn’t.’
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