He reaches out and grabs my wrist, pulling me down beside him. I end up smashed across his chest, but roll to lie flat. “Alice, tell me your story.”
Everything inside of me freezes. “What do you mean?”
“You said your dad hurt you. I’m going crazy with thoughts of what he might have done to you.”
“What?” I sit up and glare down at him. “Do you want the gory details? Thinking of writing me a new song?”
He sits up and swings his legs to the floor, giving me his back. “No. I just… I want to know you better.”
I can’t think about those hellish years. I’ll sink into a depression so deep it drives me crazy—or a lot insane. “Well, you don’t need to know about that, okay. I don’t talk about it.” I scoot to the edge of the bed, intent on putting some space between us.
“Okay, calm down.” Seth grabs my shoulders before I can stand and tugs me backward until I’m lying flat, my legs hanging over the side of the bed. “I didn’t mean to piss you off.”
I sigh. “I’m not mad. It just upsets me, and I really try not to dwell on the past. It puts me in a bad place.”
“Brings out the crazy?”
He has no idea just how crazy I could get. “Something like that.”
“I get it.” I’m not prepared for him to roll toward me, and I flinch. “Hey, it’s okay. I would never hurt you, Alice.”
“You just startled me. I’m okay.”
He leans down, close. I can smell the mint from the gum he chewed after dinner. “You are too pretty to be this sad.”
My breath catches, I want to believe him. I want to be that pretty girl who doesn’t live with guilt, regret, and so much sorry she forgets to breathe sometimes.
“Would you pull away if I kissed you?”
“Probably not, but it’s not a good idea.” Damn, why did I say that?
A dark brow arches over one beautiful blue eye. “Still just friends?”
If I wasn’t so broken, I’d say no. I want to be more. I’d give anything to crawl on top of him right now and lose myself in his kisses. “Hey, your truce, remember?”
He sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed. “Yeah, probably the worst fucking truce I’ve ever thought up. I think we should go back to bickering. It was hotter that way.”
I laugh and shove him off my bed. “Yeah, but then you’d have never been able to spend the day with me.”
Seth stops at my door and turns back. “Remember when I said that you and me were going to happen?”
I nod.
“Remember when I said that we were just going to have to be friends?”
“Yeah.” The answer slips from my mouth on a throaty moan.
My breath stalls in my chest as he sucks on his bottom lip. “I lied.”
Seth left an hour ago, and I can’t get that promise out of my head. I throw on my runners, sweats, and pull my hair into a tight bun. I need a run. I'd prefer a free fall, but that wouldn't happen anymore. I plug in my ear buds and take the stairs for my warm up. The air outside is cool enough to keep me from overheating, but it’s still warm, and sweat is already trickling down my cleavage.
Seth wants to be more than friends, and I want it too. He’s hot and sweet. I think he’s someone I could trust with my secrets, and he wouldn’t betray me. He comes from good solid family that loves each other, even if he doesn’t appreciate it completely.
My feet smack down hard on the winding sidewalk, and I’m oblivious to the people milling around the park. There are other runners, but they pass me, some sprinting, some just faster. I keep at the steady pace. I’m not running to win a race. I’m running to absolve the sins upon my soul. Never have I wanted them gone so badly.
I'm on the path for less than twenty minutes when a familiar black town car pulls alongside me. I run faster and hope he'll pass. The car stops, and a man gets out of the passenger seat. He rushes over to me before I can sprint away and yanks me toward the back of the car. “Your dad would like a word.”
This would be my life until E. Harrison died. He’d want me, take me, and I’d fight the only way I knew how to…by surviving.
He opens the back door and tosses me to the seat. I'm a sweaty mess, and somehow I know that my father will enjoy that even more.
“Well, Alice. Imagine my delight when I see you running through the park.” He glances down to my chest and shakes his head. “And without the proper undergarments.” He clicks his tongue. “What shall we do with you?”
I'm like a frightened minnow. “What do you want, Father?”
He grins. “Come now, baby girl, I think you know.”
I shake my head. There’s only one thing that my father has ever wanted from me. My pain. “No! I won't let that happen.”
“And who's going to stop me?”
“I'm older. I'll call the police.”
He laughs. “Let's not forget, you tried that before. It didn't work for you then, and it won't now.” I'd been thirteen the first time I'd tried to tell someone at my school. I'd even shown them the shallow cuts along my spine. No one believed me. In fact, I'd spent weeks in a facility for troubled girls to get the help I needed for “cutting.” When I was released, he made it worse.
“You don't own everyone.”
My dad is in politics. There’s talk of him running for governor next term.
He leans forward. “But I own you. Till your death.”
The games are boring me. If he’s going to hurt me, I’d rather get past it. “What do you want?”
Harrison sits back. His fingers flex against his thigh. I know he is itching to strike me. “You have something of mine. I want it back.”
I have very little from my childhood because no one thought me worthy of gifts, including my own mother. I have no idea what he is talking about. I blink at him and wait. Weary of the game.
“Come on, Alice. Where’s your spirit? You used to have so much fight.”
The last time I “fought,” he’d forgotten to tie down my right wrist. I’d grabbed a scalpel and stabbed him in the thigh. The leather straps took a moment to saw through with the sharp blade, but he’d been on the floor, holding pressure to the deep puncture. It was just enough time for me to lean over him, blade in hand, and issue the warning that so far had stuck. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t have anything of yours.”
“Your act is impressive. However, I know how well you can pretend.”
I glance out the window, hoping I’ll spot something that will inspire my escape. Maybe the driver will mess up and run a red light. I think I’d rather die than be in Harrison’s company one more minute.
“You will give me what I want.” He reaches for me, and I scream, tucking my legs away from his grip. His long fingers anchor around my ankle, and he yanks me from my seat to the floor board. In heartbeats, he’s over me. The first slap cracks my jaw to the side. Blood oozes up and over my lip to trickle toward my chin. “Stop fighting me and tell me where they are?”
There’s desperation behind the normally cool grey eyes. A desperation and hatred I’ve never seen before. Why the fuck didn’t they abort me before eight weeks? Being sucked out piece by piece would be better than living this twisted life of pain and fear.
We pull to a red light, and we’re both breathing heavy in the stillness. I reach down and bite the hand holding my arm until he releases me. I flip to my knees, and jab my elbow backward and into his face. There’s a crunching noise, but I don’t look back. I open the door and roll from the car. People are shouting at me, but I take off running before anyone grabs me.
I run the fifteen blocks back to the apartments at a full-out sprint. I skip the elevator and pound up the stairs. At the top, I let it go. I kick the wall and ball my fists, banging against the stucco walls. I've been here before, but this time I need it even more. I wear myself out and sink to the ground.
I curl into a fetal position and try to think of a way to get away from him. I need to leave. If onl
y I could find a way to get Molly to come away with me. I could take care of her. But I know she'll never leave Rowena, and my guilt won't let me leave her.
The door clicks open and black combat boots edge close to my nose. “We're going to have another awkward moment, right?” He leans down and picks me up. I keep my face low, tucked against my chest. He’ll see me and freak out. “You're going to have to tell me these secrets someday.” He carries me into his apartment and sits me on a stool while he fills a glass with water. “Alice?”
I rip the rubber band out of my hair and let it fall down around my shoulders, shielding my face. A dribble of blood trails down my chin and I try to dab it away without catching his attention. During my run, I’d rubbed most of the blood away, but there was still slickness at the corner. My fingers pull away red tinted, and Seth grabs my hand. “What the fuck?”
“It’s nothing.”
He grabs my face and forces it back. “What the hell happened to you?” He’s tracing my swollen lip with his thumb. Blue eyes rage over my face. “I’ll kill whoever did this to you.”
“Stop. It was an accident. I fell in the park.”
The loss of his hands on my face has me leaning forward. “That’s shit. You didn’t fucking fall. I can still see the fucker’s handprint.” His palm cradles my cheek.
When it’s clear that I won’t share my secrets with him, he grunts and grabs the water. “Drink.” I take three large sips when he hisses. “Holy shit, Alice.” He holds my fingers in his hand and examines the large bruises forming on the tops. “Why do you do this?”
“It hurt less.”
“Less than what?”
“Knowing.”
He takes the glass from me and pulls me into his arms and hugs me, and I allow it. No teasing. It feels right to be in his arms. Like we might have both needed the tenderness.
“How did you know I was on the stairs?”
He nuzzles my hair with his nose. “Molly asked me to go check on you. You’d been gone longer than she thought you should be. I was just heading downstairs when I heard you.”
Molly went to him. She trusted him with me. “I need to go.”
“Alice, if someone’s hurting you, I need to know. If it’s your dad again, we’ll go to the police.”
“I'll be fine now. Thanks for finding me.”
He pulls back and glances down at me. “How long would you have laid there?”
I shrug. Honestly, I didn't know. I guess until the pain slipped away.
He wraps a hand around my waist and leads me to the door. “Come on. I'm going to make sure you get settled in your apartment before the guys get here for practice.” He takes my keys from my trembling hands and opens my door. “In you go.”
I follow behind him and wince when Molly screeches. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I fell in the park, and Seth brought me home.” I silently plead with him to let the lie go. He shakes his head and runs a finger down his chin. “I’ll be fine after a bath.”
“Alice, next time call. I was so worried about you. You never leave me that long by myself.”
I take a deep breath and reach up and hug her. “Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.”
She hugs me back. If she feels the trembles wracking through me, she doesn’t say anything.
We all stand there in an awkward silence before she pats my hand. “I’ll leave you guys alone. I’m glad you’re okay.”
Seth is standing a few feet in front of me, and I'm lost again. Without the comfort of his arms, I'm floundering. I walk past him and find my room, grabbing underwear and a sleep shirt. It's all I'll need. I'm not leaving the apartment again this week.
This is my routine with my father. Anytime he tried to gain access to me, it would set me back. I don't fight the process anymore. I just go with it. Too many years passed with me fighting. I'm very tired of it all.
Seth darts into my bathroom and turns on the shower. “Uh, do you need any help in here?” I frown at him. “I meant because of your hands.”
“Oh.” I glance down at my swollen fingers. They look like they should hurt, but I don’t feel a thing. “No, thanks.”
I shut the door on him and take the fastest shower in history. Mostly because the water is scalding hot. I need to wash away the tears falling from my face. I need to cleanse the ugly thoughts from my body. Remove the memories from my mind.
I wrap my hair in a towel and dress quickly before Mr. Moody gets anxious and barges in.
Seth is flipping through the channels when I make it back to the living room. “Hey, you look much better. Molly is in her room.” His eyes travel down my long shirt to my thighs. “And I think I should go. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah.”
He backs up toward the door. “If you get to feeling better, come over later.”
I nod. But I won’t.
His back is to my door when he stops. “Alice, I’m not going to push you. I also don’t believe you. I know that someone hurt you. If I find out it was your father, I’ll handle it. Just tell me when you’re ready, okay?”
I nod, again. Confused as to why he’s not pushing it. He’s kind of a pushy man. It feels out of character for him, and it has me spinning. There’s something inside me that really likes that about him. He’s confident but hesitant, like he knows he has to tread lightly around me.
Seth leaves, and I'm instantly lonely. I sit on the couch and stare at the blank TV. I pick through some of the books on the coffee table, but none are interesting to me. After debating whether I should go crash Molly’s room or go to bed, I find myself in my studio. Sitting on a pillow in the middle of the floor, I take a long piece of coal and my sketch pad. My hand takes over, and I'm drawing.
A LICE INFURIATES ME LIKE NOwoman I’ve ever met. She’s not like Gabe, even though their spirits are similar. If I push her, she’ll run or lock me out forever. The guys show up right on time, but I’m too keyed up to practice. They walk in while I’m pacing the length of my living room.
“What’s up, bro?” Gabe grabs my shoulder and stops me mid-stride.
I shrug him off and continue. If I’m going to get Alice to open up, I have to find a way to wrap around her pain and stomp the shit out of it. We’re locked somewhere between friendship and more, but this pain that she has is keeping the two from colliding. I used my music as an excuse, but I can’t keep running from the fear of loving someone again. Twelve years was a long time to hide.
Deacon steps in my path. “Let’s go.”
I nod at him and grab my keys. We leave Gabe and Evan in the apartment and hurry down the hall. “She’s messed up.”
“Alice?”
“Yeah.”
The elevator carries us down to the lobby, and we man-up long enough to get into the gym. It’s late in the afternoon, and most of the trainers have left for the day. There are a few people on the weight benches, but I see what I want. The heavy bag hanging from the beams above us beckons me. “Kick my ass, Seth.” I can seriously almost hear it taunting.
We grab a change of clothes from the lockers we keep here and head to the bag. Deacon doesn’t talk, but holds the leather while I pummel it until my hands ache. His breath whooshes out of him every time I jab, and he’s sweating as much as I am while he fights to keep the bag from swinging wide.
Every punch is a physical release of all my anxieties, frustrations, and failures. I don’t know how to fix Alice. Gabe is keeping secrets from my dad and me. The band is not jumping out there like I wanted it to. I’ve not been this loss since I was twelve and watched my mother walk out the door.
When I start slowing, he peeks around the side. “Alice is different.”
I nod, but keep hitting.
“I think she can help you.”
My next jab is crooked, and I feel the twist in my wrist. If I don’t get my head off of her and back on the bag, I’m going to break my fucking arm.
“How?”
One, two, stick. The sound of my fis
t smacking against the leather is soothing. Deacon backs up and raises his hands. “She’s not easy. She’s different, and she handles life much better than you.”
I spin away from him and head to the smaller bags and began a steady rhythm. The repeating thwack reminds me of a drum pattern, and I can lose focus in this. “Yeah, right. Man, she’s fucked up. I can’t stay away, but neither of us really knows how to take it forward.”
“Do you want to?”
I pause mid swing. “I don’t know. She has some baggage. No, she has years of baggage. Shit I can’t even comprehend.”
Deacon picks up a jump rope and begins swinging it back and forth across his body. “Seth, she’s young. I know there’s something there. Hell, we all do. No one can look into those sweet eyes and not see her pain. Just be sure it’s her that you want and not the pain.”
“Don’t you think I know that? That’s why I’m trying to give her space. It’s too easy. She’s too wounded. I could write about her for years. My words would eat her up.”
Deacon’s hands land on my shoulder until I’m done. “Then, you have to let her go.”
“Hell no. I can’t. Fuck Deac. There’s no way. I’m in too deep.”
“Then you have to find the will to love just her. Not her issues.”
I nod. My sneakers squeak on the concrete floor as I head to the towel laying on the bench. “I’m working on that. I found her in the stairwell again today. Someone had hit her.” I straddle the bench and work on controlling my breathing. “Fucking split her lip.”
“Dude?”
“I know. I think it was her father, but she wouldn’t admit to it.” I slam a fist into a bag and imagine Harrison’s face beneath my palm.
Deacon drops to the ground and sets up for a push up, beginning his own form of muscle abuse. “What…are you…going to do?”
“What can I do?”
“Beat…fuck…out of him.”
That would satisfy the demons in me. The ones that have been waiting for someone to take out all my anger on. “I’m going to keep an eye on her and make sure he doesn’t get near her again.”
“I…got your back…if you need it.”
“Always have.”
He glances at me and keeps pumping up and down. I fish my cell out of my pocket and punch in Alice’s number. She doesn’t answer.
Drowning (Tears of Sin Series) Page 11