“Don’t give up.” Deacon rolls onto his back to do crunches. “She’ll come around.”
We spend another hour at the gym until we’re both so exhausted I barely can hold my arms up to drive home. Gabe and Evan are in the living room, playing X-box Live and bitching at some kids.
I thump Gabe on the head. “Aren’t you too old for that?”
“Hell, no!”
I shower and head across the hall to check on Alice.
“Seth?”
Molly answers the door, and I’m surprised that she can tell it’s me. “Uh, hey Molly. Is Alice home?”
“She’s in her studio. I’d get her for you, but I’ve been trying to get her in there for months.” She tilts her head to the side. “I really want to let her keep working.”
“Sure.” Damn, I wanted to see her. Tell her that I wanted a chance. “Will you tell her I stopped by to check on her?”
“Absolutely. Thanks again for finding her.”
I nod, and she shuts the door. Sullen is a word that doesn’t describe me, but tonight I am sullen. Something isn’t sitting right about this whole situation. I feel like I’m stumbling into a maze of agony, and I’m not sure how to get out. Or if I want to.
Lilith shows up at nine, and we set up for practice. She’s breaking on every note she tries to hit and her low tones sound like someone is ripping a bowel up to her throat.
I stop playing, and she glances up. “What?”
“You’re fucking up that song.” I’m not normally mean to her, but Alice is under my skin. “If you can’t sing it right, then we’re cutting it.”
She hurries over to my drum and leans against it. “No, Seth! I just have a sore throat. I’ll get it right.”
“We don’t have long for you to get it right.” I’m sick of her shit. If I had someone else, anyone else, I’d call the humane society to come pick up her skank ass.
“I know.” She places both hands on the rim of my snare, and dips close. “I promise.”
Someone must have loved her at some point, but Lilith reminds me of a puppy that’s never been held. “Let’s just skip that one tonight.”
Everyone is watching me, and I have no answers for my behavior. The gym hadn’t worked out all my crankiness, and I was having a hard time not calling the building manager and demanding a key to Alice’s apartment.
I can’t take their stares anymore and head into my room to sleep off the testosterone running through my blood. The cell is in my hand before I stop myself, and I open a message to her.
Are you up?
Nothing. The minutes blink by at me from the clock on my bedside table.
Alice?
I kick off my shoes and ignore the hurt that crawls around in my chest. She’s dealing with stuff. I get that. We’re trying to be friends, and I’d check on one of my boys if I knew they were hurting. I’m not sure Alice knows how to be a friend. But I want to teach her. I want to show her how good of a friend I can be. Pushing enough to get her to open up, but not so much that she’ll run is going to be my toughest challenge in life yet.
I T’S BEEN MONTHS, BUT MY hand has not forgotten the path. I draw and draw. I only take breaks for water and the bathroom. Time passes around me, but I'm lost in my own little world. The world where the bad men die and the good guys pick up little girls on cold stairwells. I'm through my sketch pad and have moved on to canvas. Pictures and paint fly everywhere.
A gasp at the door to the studio catches my attention. I glance up and see Molly's startled expression. She can't see me, so if I'm quiet, maybe she won't know that I've so completely shattered my promise to myself. But she's not alone. Rowena and Seth watch over Molly's shoulder. Rowena steps past Molly. “Are you drawing?”
Seth sees what I've been drawing and painting, and his expression goes blank. At first, he seems shocked, but now...nothing. “She's painting and drawing.”
Rowena walks across the room, stepping on some of my pieces, and I lose it. “Don't. Get the fuck out!” She backs up a step, but it only means that she's now stepped on another picture. I growl at her. It’s that or throw something. She’s ruining my work. My heart. My tears. They are lying around me in a mix of color, and Rowena just stuck her size nines on them.
“Okay, Alice. I'm leaving, but I'm taking Molly home for a few days. She doesn't need to be here when you're like this.” Row grabs onto Molly’s arm and whirls her around.
Mole struggles to break free. “Mom, I'm not leaving her. Alice needs me.”
“Honey, I forbid it. I'm not even sure that she's been bathing.”
She's right. It has been a couple of days since I last showered. Two, I think.
“Let's go.” Row, grabs Molly's arm and drags her back. “Alice, let Molly know when you're with us again.”
I'm left with no one.
Seth is standing there staring at me—the broken girl. I glance up at him. “What?”
“These are so... They're me.”
I watch his hands cradle my work. “Yeah.” It’s almost like he’s holding a piece of me. It’s too personal, but they are also part of him. I can’t take it away.
He crouches down and touches one of the sketches. It’s of him smiling. “No, Alice. They are the real me. You looked down past the boy and found the man.”
And like that, I’m back. My troubles are locked back into the box of sin, and I’m not drowning. I’m here. I’m with him, and he sees me like I see him.
“It wasn't hard.” I lay back in my nest of Seth faces.
He thumbs through the pictures. “Okay, you're going to have to explain all this to me.”
“It's what I do. I snap, and then I'm gone.” I spread my arms out. “This is me.”
He walks over to me and leans over. “But why?”
“I don't know you well enough to tell you that.” My shirt has ridden up, and I know that he can see my panties and bare legs. He'll see them soon. The scars that line my inner thighs. The ones that got me labeled as a cutter.
He reaches down and traces one. “Are these you too?”
I roll away from him and stagger to stand. It’s too much. He’s too much. His fingers grazed my skin and there’s a warm path left in their absence. I’ve never shared with anyone like this. He’s taking down all my defenses and leaving me with nothing. “No. Those are him.”
He stiffens. “Your father?”
I nod and walk past him. I know it's confusing. But how do you put years of pain into the right words?
“Wait. Alice?” Seth follows me out of the room and to the bathroom. “You can't just drop that on me like this.”
I stop inside and lean against the counter. “Why are you here?”
“I was worried about you. When I heard Molly and her mom, I asked if I could check on you.” He rakes a hand through his hair. “Molly knew didn't she? When I told her I hadn't seen you in days. She knew you’d been locked away in there.”
“She's seen me get crazy before.”
He steps back and nods to the door. “Take a shower, then you and I are going to talk.”
I'm not sure what else he wants me to say, but I know I don't have the energy. Funny how when all you want is to be alone, the one person you're running from makes it the hardest.
I take a thorough shower. Quite frankly, I need it. I smell, and I'm not sure if I even changed my panties this weekend. The hot water washes away some of the crazy. I should have done this sooner.
Refreshed and clearer, I find Seth stirring something at my stove, and my stomach jumps at the smell.
“I made you some soup.” He pours me a bowl and sets it at our small table. “When was the last time you ate?”
I shrug and pick up the spoon. “Thanks.”
He sits with me, nursing a cup of coffee. “Want to talk?”
“No.”
He sighs and tosses the remains in his cup until they swirl. “When I was twelve my mom left.” He shifts in his seat. “We had a really good family. My dad was home every n
ight. She baked. I remember a lot of happy times before then.”
I smile, wondering what it would have been like to have a normal childhood. I'm glad he had those years, and more than a little envious.
“She hurt her foot doing some Jazzercise or something, and the docs prescribed painkillers. Dad had no idea that she was prone to addiction. None of us knew that she'd become hooked and moved from one injury to the next until the doctors figured it out.”
I watch his mouth as he shares his past. “When the last doc finally said no more, she took it to the streets.” He tilted his head to the side. “To this day, I still don't understand how someone so completely normal and full of love could do that to her family.”
I reach across and grab his hand. A buzz passes between us. I wonder if he feels it to. “She wasn't doing it to you; you were a by-product of her self-mutilation.”
He nods. “I guess. But she changed our life. It sure felt like she was doing it to us.”
I spoon the warm soup in and try to hold it down. If he thought his story would get me to talk, he was wrong.
“Alice. Give me something.”
I drain my bowl, wipe my mouth, and hop up from my seat. I’m going to paste on a smile and stop all this deep shit. “Why don't you just go home? I'll be fine now. I have it out of my system.”
“I can't.” There’s a dark light to his eyes that promises this is more than a quick fake sympathy session.
“Why? Seth, we're barely friends, if we're that. You don't need to be tied to my problems.”
He stands and follows me to the sink. “What if I want to be more?”
I back up and into the counter top. “Why? We haven't even kissed.”
He’s almost to me now. After the days of being isolate in my studio, my skin crawls with having someone so close. I can feel each fine hair on my arm stand on end, and there’s a thin bead of sweat trailing from my hairline down my back.
“Somehow I don't think sex is the way to your heart.” He places a hand above my breast on the right side. His index finger taps a rhythm there, completely his own and at odds with the increasing speed of my heart.
He wants to claim my heart, but I only have an organ. It beats. It pumps the blood. But the soul has been ripped from it and wrapped around the ghost of a six-year-old girl.
“I can't.”
“You won't try.”
I lean away from him, desperately trying to put some space between us, but it lines our groins up. “I'm not even sure I can put up with your spoiled ways long enough to try.” I don’t know why I’m trying to hurt him, but I am.
He laughs, but there is no humor in it. “What else do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not spoiled? I've fed the hungry, taken you to an underground, and made sure you weren't dead.” He scoots closer. “I'm spoiled. I can't help that. My father bought us for his guilt. He couldn't be around us. Especially me. I look like my mom. Gabe was always easier for him. And when I didn't want the same things he wanted for me, he tried to buy me back. He was never around after she left.” His arms link around me. “Don’t you get it? We're all a little crazy. Our pasts create who we are, but only we choose to let it continue to rule us.” He pulls me close. “Don't let your past ruin the rest of your life. Our lives.”
His head dips fast and his lips brush mine. I’m not ready for his kiss. I don’t even think he really expected to take it there, but his mouth is now hot against mine. His tongue teases along the seam of my lips, and I open on a sigh. I still taste the salt from the soup and am not ready for the coffee flavored tongue that enters me. His hands cup my jaw, and he presses just hard enough to make me gasp. The little edge of pain is like a panic button for my libido. I kiss him back. No, I attack him, molding my chest to his. My hips lined up perfectly for his arousal.
“Alice.” He deepens the kiss, plunging his tongue deep against mine, and runs a hand across the back of my neck to pull me tighter against him. Our teeth grate together, but I don’t care. This feels right. It is so wrong, but I don’t care. I want him.
My nipples harden beneath my shirt where they press against him. He groans, and his other hand finds my hip. The length of his erection presses against my boxers. The thick shaft is a hard ridge against my pelvic bone. He’s not grinding against me like some guys would, but if he did, as hard as he is, it would be a sweet pain against my flesh. My panties are damp and sticking to me and I want them off.
No.
I can’t do that. I can’t be this girl.
I break away and back up. We pant, foreheads touching. His is clammy from the heat building between us. My eyes aren’t quite focused yet.
I trace a finger down his jaw line. “Wow.”
His blue eyes are almost black, and he rubs a thumb across my bottom lip. “I'm going to go. While I still can.” He leans down for one more peck. “Come over tonight. We'll be practicing. Lilith will be there, so you'll get to hear the words.”
I find myself whispering okay and actually looking forward to it.
“Promise?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” He grins and backs away three steps before rushing back to me for another long and thorough kiss. “Okay...okay.”
I stay bent back against my kitchen sink and watch him walk to the door.
“Alice. You'll be okay. I won't let you be anything else.”
Oh, this boy has no clue what he’s up against. The part of me that distances itself during intimacy steps forward and wants to take another try at him. Just to be sure the spark I'd felt was real, or if it was a need to be loved.
F UCK, FUCK, FUCK. I KNEWeventually I’d kiss her. I didn’t expect for my heart to fly in my throat and my dick to offer death threats if I didn’t let him out. Her lips were soft pillows for mine, and as respectful as I want to be with her, I still can’t keep the image of them wrapped around my little Seth out of my head. She’d been right there with me. Her damp heat coaxed my hard-on closer. If she hadn’t broken away, I’d have had her thighs around my waist and been searching for her room.
I'm overwhelmed with Alice. She has issues that I have no clue how to deal with, and I'm not sure that I want to be involved with someone who goes a little crazy. But...she knows me. She gets me. She sees under my bullshit and sees the real me. How do I walk away from that?
Lilith plops down next to me on the couch, and I want to shove her to the floor. This is Alice's couch. Gabe is at the piano plunking an annoying arrangement of keys, and Lilith begins whining about the racket. I'm seeing all of them like they're in a reality show, and I'm the viewer.
Deacon walks in and thumps me on the ear. “Why do you look like someone reamed your asshole?”
I scrub at my stinging ear. “Asshat.”
“At least I wear one?”
I laugh. “That made no sense.”
Deacon shrugs. “Got you to laugh. What's up?”
I shake my head and try to communicate that I don't want to talk about it around Lilith the barracuda.
“Hmmm... It wouldn't have something to do with the cutie next door.”
Lilith stiffens beside me and removes her hand from my thigh. I’ve never been so caught up in a girl that I don’t notice when trolls nearly grab my junk. “Are you dating someone?”
“No.” But I’d give anything for another go at the lost girl next door. Damn, I have to get my shit together. We have work to do, and I’m totally wrapped up in that kiss.
Her lips twist into a sneer. “Then what is he talking about?”
“She's just a friend.” Crap. I don’t need this right now. I certainly don’t need to feel the little painful thud when I uttered the word friend.
There's a knock at the front door that I barely hear over the piano, but somehow Gabe hears it, and I think he knows who it is. He arches a brow at me and jumps up. I move to stand, but he pushes me in the chest until I'm forced back to the couch. A few minutes later, he rushes back into the room with Alice upside down over his shoulder.
> She's beating him in the ass and laughing. She always laughs at Gabe. Someday, I’ll hear her laugh for me. “You big ape. Put me down. I still have not forgiven you.”
He rights her and pulls her into a hug. “Can't stay mad at me and stay here.”
She twists his nipple. “This isn't your house.”
He lurches back and spins her toward me. “Tell her how it is, bro.”
I can't stop the grin. She has pink cheeks from her recent world tilt. “Nope. Gotta take us both or nothing.”
She shakes her head, and it happens. She smiles at me, and a giggle slips past those soft lips. “Fine. If I must.”
Lilith stands and hovers over Alice. Fuck me. I forgot about the hellhound, and she will make us all pay for not giving her one hundred percent of the attention.
With the heels, Lil is about eight inches taller than Alice. “Hello. We haven't met.”
“Hi, I'm Alice.” She holds out her hand, but Lilith looks at it like she's lost her mind.
“Why are you here?”
I will not stand by and let her sink her claws into Alice. Enough people have hurt her. “Lil—”
Lilith flicks a strand of hair over her shoulder. “No, I want to know.”
Alice turns to me and then Gabe, who only shrugs. She reaches for the little barbell in her eyebrow. Lilith backs up a step. “What are you doing?”
“You want to piss in the bushes, well, let's go. I've eaten little Barbie’s like you before. Literally.” Lilith is almost shaking. “You don't scare me, bitch.”
Wait, did she just say she'd gone down on a girl? My cock likes the idea of that.
Deacon stands. “Girls.”
Lilith backs up another step. Alice angry was something to behold. “Listen. I just asked you a question. You're crazy, bitch, if you think I'm going to mess up this manicure.”
Alice does this cute thing where she thumbs her chin like she’s about to go three rounds with Lil. “I'm not trying to fight your fingernails.”
Oh shit. She’s going to kick Lilith’s ass. A swell of pride inflates my chest, and I’m almost giddy waiting for someone to finally put Lil in her place. God knows, none of us can.
Drowning (Tears of Sin Series) Page 12