Drowning (Tears of Sin Series)

by Rachel Firasek

  “Baby, no. Stop.” He lays me in bed and wraps his arms around me. I break and sob, holding on to him for everything that has happened to me. “Shhh…”

  I’m angry. Betrayed. And I want to know why my fucking sister that I adore has those videos.

  Seth is smoothing my hair away from my face.

  I crinkle my hands in his shirt and jerk him against me. “I have to know why. How could she have those?”

  “Baby, maybe it’s not what it seems like.”

  I think he’s right, but for the wrong reason. I’m pretty sure it’s worse. Molly hadn’t always been the sweetest of people. I remember the times she hated me for having to share her precious house and father. She’d grown out of it as she’d turned into a teen, but what if it had all been a show.

  Gabe and Molly stroll into his room, arms linked, and laughing. I’m sick, and I think Seth might grit his teeth to tiny nubs. “What are you two doing in here? We came to look for Alice and Molly’s sweater.”

  I sit up and shove Seth’s hands off of me. “Molly, why do you have dad’s videos in your drawer?”

  She stares at across the room in our direction. Guilt marring the beauty of her face, but I can’t tell if it’s for me or for her. Her shoulders fall, and her cane clatters to the floor. Tears well in her eyes, but don’t fall. “I was keeping them as leverage.”

  Gabe darts his face to hers. He’s in shock, but much quicker to respond than me. “Against who?”

  “Dad.”

  I thought she loved her father more than anything. The room is unsteady, and I hold onto the bed to make sure it doesn’t slip out from under me. “I don’t understand.”

  She makes it to my side and lowers herself, sitting beside me. “He’s been hurting mom. Before my accident, I caught him choking her. One day, after he’d left, I scoured his room for something, anything to hold against him. I found those in his safe. He’d made a mistake and left the password in his contacts on his phone. I didn’t look at them then, had planned on checking out what I’d found when I got back home from our trip to the lake.” She takes a breath. “After the cliffs, I realized just how short life can be, and how much we shouldn’t live it afraid. I don’t want her to be scared of him anymore.”

  I ask the question that will break me, but my voice is devoid of emotion. I think this is shock. I’m pretty sure it’s hell. But the man on my side is holding me tight, giving me the courage to ask anyway. “Have you watched them?”

  “Oh, Al, I couldn’t. I turned one on, but the screams scared me half to death. I put them away.”

  Seth climbs from the bed and leaves the room. He’s gone for a few minutes and returns with Molly’s laptop. He hits play and sits it in her lap.

  My frantic pleas for help fill the room and Gabe tips back the screen to get a better look. “What the fuck, Molly? How the hell could you have these and not take them to the police?”

  A sob slips past her lips. “I know. I should have, but I didn’t want my dad to go to jail, just to leave mom alone. I knew if the time ever came, I could use them against him.”

  Gabe yanks me up and into his arms. “At Alice’s expense?”

  Molly closes the laptop, drowning the sound of the video. “I don’t understand.”

  Seth rushes from the room, bumping his brother’s shoulder on the way out. Gabe’s going to tell her it’s me in those clips, and I can’t be here for that. Seth couldn’t even stand to be in the same room with us. I couldn’t blame him. My stomach is rolling at the hurt and anger on Gabe’s face. I’ve once against destroyed something beautiful.

  I break from his arms and find Seth in the kitchen, tipping back a shot of whiskey. I lean against the counter. “Have another?”

  He hands me the bottle, and I tip it back. We sink to the floor with our troubles between us. Hollering is coming from his room. An hour ago, I’d have been all over Gabe’s ass for yelling at my sis like that. Now, I want in on the action. I hand the bottle back to Seth.

  “Alice, I love you. I do.” He kisses my temple. “But your family is fucked up. I used to think that mine was bad, but damn.”

  I slouch against him and laugh. “I know.”

  “I’m not even sure how you can laugh right now, but it just makes me love you more.” His lips caress my cheek. This moment, this man is erasing the guilt, pain, and hatred pouring through my veins with just his mouth against my skin.

  “Seth, when you’ve been through the crap that I have, you laugh when you can and worry about all the rest when the time comes.” I take another long pull from the bottle and relax into the warm burn of the liquor. My mind feels lighter than it had a few minutes ago. I don’t know if it’s Seth or the alcohol.

  He pulls me onto his lap and kisses me softly. “I love you.”

  “You’ve said that often.”

  He smiles. “I’m not going to pressure you to say it back, I just want you to know how I feel.”

  “I care about you. But I’m scared to love you. I’ve never really loved anyone else before—except for Molly and look how that’s turned out.” Maybe I did love him. If loving consists of not being able to breathe when he leaves, hating the world when he’s not in it, and aching so bad for his touch, I can’t function, then yes, I guess I probably did love him.

  Molly’s cane whacks the side of the kitchen cabinets. She stops when she hits Seth’s leg. “I had no idea that was you in those movies. I swear I didn’t.” Her cheeks are smudged with tears. Gabe stands by the front door. He has it open and ready for her. “But if this jackass thinks I’ll stay around and listen to just what a horrible person I am, screw that.”

  She storms out of the apartment, tripping near the door. I can see the pain in Gabe’s eyes when he doesn’t help her. I’ve screwed them up too.

  “I’m going to make sure she’s okay, and then I’m done. I don’t know what I was thinking. You’ll need to get her some counseling. I don’t know how you’ve all made it this far.” Gabe slams the door, and I’m left with the regret.

  “Don’t.” Seth takes the bottle from my hand and tips it back. “They’ll be okay, eventually. I can kind of get why she did it.”

  His words hit me harder than any whip ever could. “What?”

  “Think about it, Alice. Being the oldest, we have to watch out for everyone. She tried to protect her mom. I get that.”

  I’m sucking short, shallow breaths. The piranhas of fear swirl around me and I want to scream around the bubbles of gloom drowning me. This is the man whom I love, I can’t say it yet, but I trust him, and he’s on their side. Just like everyone else. “I’m out of here.”

  Seth rolls up to his knees and frames my face in his hands. I’m seething and he’s either too drunk already to notice, or too stupid. “Not going to happen, baby.”

  If he doesn't let me leave, then I’ll end this, and I won’t be back this time. I have nothing, but I don’t need much. He bends down to kiss me, and I head butt him in the mouth. Blood spurts from a crack in his lip. “The fuck?”

  He drops back and covers the red seeping down his chin. I glare at him. “Don’t ever touch me again. I’ve lived my entire life with no one. No one. Now you?”

  “I only meant—”

  “No. You don’t get to take their side.” I stab a finger into his chest. “You? You were supposed to have my back. I trusted you with it, Seth.”

  He stands, grabs a dishtowel, and dabs at his lip. “What do you want me to say? Should I lie and say I don’t get it?” He waits until the blood is a slow trickle. I’m standing and squared off with him. “You want me to tell you that it’s fucked up? It is. It’s fucked to all hours of the night. It’s the kind of fucked that gets you killed. It’s the kind of fucked that doesn’t leave your soul even after you die, but that doesn’t change anything.”

  I can’t listen to this. I won’t. Seth’s anguished blue eyes have me questioning why we’re fighting, but then I remember. It’s just me. I can only count on me. I’ll only ever just c
ount on me.

  He follows me to my apartment, past Molly’s weeping form sprawled across the couch, and to her room. The drives are all scattered on Molly’s bed, and I grab one and run into my room for my laptop. I jam one in the port, pull up the file, and hit play. Maybe he’s forgotten just how bad my life was. Maybe he needs a good dose of reality. The noise of my begging and pleading at seven years old hardens my heart. I take the laptop to the kitchen and shove it in his arms. “Watch.”

  His eyes bore into mine. “No.”

  “Mother fucker, you’re going to watch what that man did to me. Then you’re going to tell me that it’s okay that she did this.”

  He glances down, and I know what’s happening. My father picks up a scalpel and makes a neat incision on the bottom of my foot. Just barely missing tendons and ligaments. I still have the rough scar there to remember it by. I walked funny for a week.

  The blade moves up.

  “Not her fault?” I run back into the bedroom and grab another drive. I change the USBs and watch his face as a more recent clip comes on. It is the last one. The one that made me stop him. The blade splits me from chest bone to navel. My screams are loud when he pours salt in the open wound. I pass out and come to to my father’s finger digging into the salty wound, shredding the skin so that the scar will be massive and ugly. I rub at my sternum, touching the memory’s evidence. How can he look at that and not hate them all?

  Seth smashes the laptop against the wall, and we’re now both breathing heavy. I rip open my shirt and unsnap my bra. The scar a wicked reminder of the show we’d just watched. “This is what I am. This is me. That was them. You’re either with me or them, Seth. Never in the middle. Never understand their shit. It’s fucked. Right and wrong. Only.”

  Molly wails louder. I don't care that she can hear me. I want her to understand my pain.

  He grabs me, and we are wrapped in a twist of frantic arms and legs. His need for me pushes us both on, but I’m in this for more. I need to erase the ugly scenes from my mind. I need to remember what it’s like to live. To be free.

  He lifts me to the counter and devours my mouth. His tongue is a hot poker stabbing at my flames. I bite the open wound on his mouth, and he groans. “Alice.”

  “Fuck me and make me forget that shit.”

  He pulls back and hooks my wrists in one hand and pulls them over his neck. His forehead lands against mine. “I’m with you. Only you. I’m sorry, baby.”

  I wrap my legs around his waist, and he carries us down the hall to my bedroom. We land hard on the bed, and I’m at a loss of breath.

  “Fuck, did I hurt you?” I shake my head and bite his neck. He groans, “Fuck, do it again.”

  I bite harder and rake my teeth down the taut tendons. I’m on top of him, holding his body down with my thighs. “Do you trust me, Seth?”

  “Yeah, baby. With my fucking life.”

  I take his hands and lift them over his head. “Under the pillow. Don’t move.”

  He knots the pillow in his fist and nods. I rip open his button-down shirt and kiss a trail down his hard chest. His skin is salty, but good. So fucking good.

  When I suck on his nipple, his hips jerk against me. “Holy shit.”

  The muscles in his stomach are rippling and sending little flutters through my clit. “Seth.”

  He leans up, hands still wrapped beneath the pillow, and tries to kiss me. I pull back, and he grins. “Tease.”

  “You have no idea.” I enjoy this—being in control for once in my life.

  The button on his fly is hitting me in the perfect spot, and I take a moment to grind against him. His eyes roll back, and his back arches, hips thrusting on the end. Oh man, that feels good.

  I scoot down on his lap, resting just above his knees, and pop the button that gave me so much pleasure a minute ago. Seth’s eyes catch mine while I pull down his zipper. “Alice.”

  I lose him again when I tug down his boxers and trail a finger from base to tip. He gets harder if that’s possible. “You want me here.”

  His eyes widen. “Yes.”

  “My mouth here?” I’m lost to the power. I want him to want me beyond reason. Only me.

  His nostrils flare. “Fuck, yeah, but only if you want to.”

  I did want to, but I also want his attention. His chin drops toward his chest, and he tugs the pillow down to support his neck. I love that he hasn’t taken his hands from beneath it. He’s doing this for me as much as for the pleasure he’ll receive.

  My lips plump up with the thought of doing this. “I’ve only done this once before.”

  “It’s okay, baby. If you let me use my hands, I’ll help you.”

  The man definitely makes teasing hard. I want to control this, but if I goof up, he might laugh. Fuck it. I’m going to do this like I do everything else in my life—balls to the wall.

  I wrap my lip over my bottom teeth and slide over the tip. He hisses, and everything tightens—in both of us. My mouth barely wraps completely around him, so I relax and slide down…and down.

  “Fuck, Alice. So fucking deep.” His hips buck softly, and I wiggle my tongue against him. I’m still deep, but I want more. “Oh god, baby. Oh shit.” He curls up, almost sitting. I made this beautiful man lose control. “Stop. If you don’t stop, I’m going to blow. Never…never had it so fast.”

  He doesn’t even have a chance to finish the next thrust and I taste him. Salty and sweet. His hands are on me, and he’s pulling me back and off of him. He leaves my mouth with a wet pop and shudders.

  Seth’s chest is heaving, and he’s staring at me like I just hung the moon. I roll off of him and leave him lying in bed, boxers cradling his balls. “You with me or are you with them?”

  There’s a coldness that replaces the blue of his eyes, and he pulls up his jeans. With a deep sigh, he stands and walks past me. I’ve fucked up, but I think he got my point.

  No one will ever stand on both sides of the fence with me. I want him to be with me, but if he can’t stand at my side, then I’ll let him go. It’ll hurt like crazy, but I am used to pain. It is much more comfortable than the new sense of love.

  My front door opens, slams shut, and that’s my answer.

  G ABE IS ON MY COUCH when I get back. A bottle of whiskey tucked against him and tumbler in his hands. “Fucked-up bullshit.”

  I stop and watch him for a minute. He’s hurting, but so am I. Alice just gave me the blow job of a lifetime, but she did it to prove a point. Or to tempt me to “her side,” whatever the fuck that means.

  Gabe hands me the bottle, and I take a huge chug from the rim. “Molly isn’t completely wrong.”

  “Not wrong?” Gabe stands. “She fucked up. She should have taken that shit to the police.”

  “Listen, little bro. You don’t know what it’s like. Being the oldest is hard shit. You got to watch out for your family and your friends, and it takes everything from you.” I point the bottle at him. “Every last fucking ounce of energy.”

  “That what I am? A fucking drain of energy?” Gabe finishes off the amber in his glass, tosses me the tumbler, and heads for the door. “Don’t fucking waste any more of your time on me. I never asked you to be my big brother.” He stops at the door and turns back. “You think it wasn’t hard for me? Dad always hoped for you. Always. With me, I was just the tag along. I’m a millionaire, by my own right, and he’d never even claim it. I took my trust fund, invested it, and made a nest egg I’ll never run out of all before I hit twenty-one. But you, you’re the hope. The fucking gem of his empire.”

  I’m at a loss for words. I never doubted that Gabe’s genius would eventually make him a rich man. I’m proud of him. I open my mouth to tell him, but he leaves and slams the door. A lot of that going on lately.

  I glance at my door. Sitting here moping isn’t going to help me. I need some action. Something to take my mind off all the bad permeating my air.

  I text Deacon.

  Need to go out.

  Pick you
up in ten.

  We enter a dive bar and head for the beer. I need to drown the shit with Alice and forget that Gabe just fucking walked out on me. I’m not sure which hurts more.

  Deacon hasn’t asked any questions, but they’re coming. “Hey beautiful, how ‘bout two Millers.” The pretty blonde behind the bar swishes her high ponytail back and forth and winks at Deacon. He grins back. “Might hit that later.”

  “Yeah.” I scan the bar. Nothing else looks good when the love of my life is at home hating me at this very moment. There are plenty of beautiful girls, if you’re looking for a case of crabs and a baby momma. “Not really feeling it.”

  Deacon swivels on his stool and watches me. I feel his eyes on the side of my face. “Gabe called me. Ranting about you taking sides with a sick fuck. What is up with that?”

  I let out the breath I’ve been holding. “Alice was tortured by her father for a long…long time. Molly had videos of it.” Deacon’s brows shoot up to his hairline, and he grimaces. “Yeah, but she didn’t know it was Alice. She thought she was protecting her mother by having some kind of leverage over him. I don’t know man, it all got fucked up.”

  Deacon punches me in the arm and gets a warning look from the bouncer. “Dude.”

  I rub at the frogged muscle and grimace. “I know.”

  “Fuck. Alice?” He raises his hand to chest level. “Sweet, tiny little Alice?”

  The woman I fucking love. “Yeah. I tried to make them see that Molly was just as much of a victim to that sick fuck. I mean I get why she did it.”

  “No. There’s not reason on earth strong enough not to turn someone like that in.”

  “You don’t get it either.” I’d never felt so alone.

  “No, I know you, so I know what you’re thinking. But, dude, no. Alice has about the biggest fucking heart on this earth and right now, knowing that shit, I want to find her dad and murder him. So, if Molly had the means to destroy that sick bastard, then she should have done it.”

  I shake my head. “She’s blind. She didn’t know it was Alice.”