Voyage to Ayama

by K. A Knight

  “What?” I put my attitude in my voice, hoping it will fool him. He frowns harder, guess that didn’t work.

  “You weren’t at breakfast.”

  It’s a statement so I wait, not wanting to tell him anything. He steps closer. His scent calms me a bit, pushing the last tendrils of my grief away.

  “Everything okay?” His voice is quiet, and his eyes have softened. They search mine with too much intensity, he sees too much. I force a smile.

  “Peachy,” I lie. His eyes narrow, his radio crackles, but he ignores it. We stand there staring at each other, both unwilling to start.

  “Fine, lie to me. I better see you at the evening meal.” I frown before I can help it, and a flash of victory crosses his face before I can comment. “I’m working through dinner; some stuff went down last night.” I almost sag with the relief that he wasn’t with someone, then I realise what I’m doing and glare.

  “Fine, like I care.”

  He just rolls his eyes at my weak lie. Bloody man. He leans closer and kisses my forehead, making my stomach clench and my heart speed up.

  “I’ll see you later and you will tell me why you look like you’ve seen a ghost, even if I have to make you.” With that, he walks away. Great. I can’t help myself, I watch his peachy ass as he walks away, pants clinging to it lovingly. Space balls, am I jealous of his trousers? I need help. I groan and turn back to the hangar door. Scanning my hand, I wait until it flashes green.

  The steel door slides open, revealing the large open loading bay. This one is used to store some of the emergency escape flyers. There are a hundred scattered all over the ship. Other than that, the loading bay is clear, it’s not in use until we land. They have created a simulator of an old flyer in the corner to practice in, and if you are deemed worthy, you can take out one of the emergency flyers for testing and practice. So far only two people have been allowed to, me and Steve. He thinks because he’s older than me that he will be the first to graduate, but he’s too cocky. He doesn’t respect space and how easily it can take down a flyer. I spent over two weeks pouring over footage from inside flyers and accounts from when they have gone down or nearly gone down. Just to test myself, to see how I would react in the situation. Plus, I have a higher score than him.

  I head to the simulator, it will be free at this time. Training doesn’t start until 11:00 am and it's only 9:00. Plenty of time to lose myself in space.

  Earning the latest high score on the leaderboard on the simulator, I cheer to myself. When I arrived there, Steve had taken over my top three spots. I tried not to get competitive. After all, I hadn’t used it in two weeks. With a smirk, I look at the top ten leaderboard scores flashing on the control panel to the left. All me. I even managed to beat my highest record. Beat that Steve. I do a little dance to myself, wiggling in my seat as I shake my hips.

  Effie once asked me why I wanted to be a pilot; why would I want to be in charge? I told her I didn't, but why would I want to keep my feet stuck to the ground when I could fly in the air, see the unknown, discover sights that people only dream of? She didn’t ask again after that.

  The hangar door slides open as the rest of the class enters. Steve's eyes narrow at me and I stick my tongue out before hopping out of the sim and heading to join in.

  Today's testing consists of reactions under extreme stress situations. Apart from me, everyone dreads this one. Apparently, I don't react like a normal person. I can push the fear and nerves away, it helps me think clearly and make the decisions without hesitating. Maybe it has something to do with that fact I'm always searching for the next big rush. Who knows? Either way, I excel at it, much to Steve’s and the other trainee’s, chagrin.

  The testing goes on until late afternoon. I was second and passed all three situations the first time. I spend the rest of the training watching the other trainees and their mistakes, so I can make sure I never do it.

  Training finishes at 3:30 pm and everyone broke up for lunch. I decided to stay and run some more simulations. I waved at them as they left, and the instructor lifted his eyebrow at me in question. I just grinned at him and opened the flyer door. He grinned and left me to it. They know better than to try and make me take a break when I don’t want to.

  By the time I look at my watch again, it's 6:00 pm. I debate just going back to my unit, but I know Barrott will just track me down. My stomach takes this time to remind me I haven't eaten all day. Fine, I grumble as I close the flyer and let myself out of the hanger.

  My mood improved throughout the day and I’m back to my usual sarcastic self. I smile at some people as I pass and when I get to the dining area, the smell hits me, and I groan in hunger. I make my way through the tables and nearly turn back when I see who’s at ours.

  Effie, Barrott, and both brothers. Bloody hell, it looks like an intervention. Barrott is glaring at his watch and both brothers look antsy, even Effie looks upset. Great. I make my way over and thump my bag down on the table.

  “Hey, cuties what’s up with the faces?” I ignore the looks and slump in my seat. I can feel Barrott glaring at me and the brothers’ questioning looks. I turn to Effie instead and offer her a smile.

  “How did the surgery go this morning?” Her face breaks into a winning smile.

  “They said I did excellent!” I clap my hands in happiness and smile big at her.

  “Knew you would babe! I‘m so proud of you.” I lean forward and offer her a one-armed hug. When I pull back, I brace, and look at Barrott.

  “You’re late. I saw your class leaving this afternoon.” His voice is accusing, I shrug and look around the busy area.

  “I decided to run some more sims,” I say casually.

  Auden leans forward, “I heard you aced all three tests today, good looking.” I wink at him.

  “Of course, I did sweet cheeks.” He leans over the table and kisses my cheek. Eldon does the same on the other cheek.

  “Well done.” They both offer me, but I can still see the confusion in their eyes from this morning. I should probably apologise, but then I would have to explain. Instead, I offer them a warm smile.

  “Indy,” Barrott growls.

  “Barrott,” I mimic his tone and look back at him. His lips twitch and then he sighs.

  “Well done, never doubted you.” I smile at him in a peace offering

  “So, we still having a movie night tonight, good looking?” Eldon asks. I nod and start on the food on the table, not caring whose it is and that I’m shovelling it down. I’m way too hungry for that. Barrott passes me his dessert without saying anything and carries on eating. I smile down at it, my traitorous heart speeding up again. Even my lady parts perk up.

  “Cool, we will come to your unit after we grab a few bits.” I nod, still eating. I look at Barrott as he makes a noise. He’s glaring at the brothers, something in his face stops me. He looks jealous, but wait, he can’t be, right? It’s gone before I can ask, and I look back down at my food. His fists are clenched on the table and he stands up abruptly.

  “I’ll see you tonight then Inds,” he says, staring at me.

  “Huh?” I ask confused. His eyes are warning me not to argue.

  “Like I trust you not to get into trouble, plus, it’s my night off.” With that, he walks away. I’m left watching him as he dumps his tray and leaves. Wait, Barrott is coming to hang out? What in the planets? I swing my gaze to Effie, a question on my lips. She just smiles at me knowingly. The brothers get my attention again.

  “We’ll go grab our stuff, see you in a bit,” Auden offers. They both smile at me before leaving. I turn back to Effie.

  “I told you, that man thinks of you like his girlfriend,” she gushes.

  “What?” I choke and drain my cup, my eyes watering.

  “Don’t play stupid. He turns up to every party, every race, and follows you around, glaring at any man who looks at you for too long.” She smiles dreamily as I sputter.

  “That’s because he thinks I’m some sort of little sister,�
�� I defend grumpily, playing with the rest of my uneaten food.

  “Hmm, sure whatever you want to think. I’ve just never seen a ‘brother’ look at a sister like he’s imagining what she looks like naked.” My mouth drops open and I turn to her, to see her laughing at me.

  “He does not,” I grumble. But I wish he would. No damn it, I don’t. He’s annoying and bossy and hot as hell. Space balls, I’m so screwed up.

  “Sure hunny, I can’t wait for you two to finally get it on.”

  I ignore her and eat my food, the thought of Barrott and me together sending pleasure down my spine, not that I’ll ever admit it. Effie takes pity on me instead and turns her attention to the brothers. She quizzes me about what happened when she left. I tell her about everything and I’ll admit, it feels good. I feel like a normal teenage girl, gossiping about boys.

  “So, now you’re up to four men interested in you?” She asks giddily. Wait, four? I count in my head.

  “How did you get four?” I ask wearily.

  “Duh. Barrott: boy has been in love with you for years. Cain: he wants in your panties so bad it’s comical. And now Auden and Eldon.”

  I flap my mouth open and closed.

  “Barrott isn’t in love with me. Cain is an asshole who I kissed once when I was drunk,” I protest, pointing my pudding covered spoon at her. She just smiles at me.

  “I’m ignoring your total lack of knowledge on them, so Auden and Eldon.” I groan as she tries to dig for gossip.

  “I know. They are both so sweet. I love that they don’t care how crazy I get.” I eat my pudding, smiling at our bets last night.

  “I do not envy you.” She laughs. “I thought having two men after you was a dream for most girls.” She laughs harder and I groan.

  “Maybe for most girls, but I’d be quite happy having just one. I can barely manage my own feelings, never mind juggling,” I glance at her, “Four.”

  She smiles at me and then it dims.

  “When they came in here this morning, they said you freaked and ran away and wouldn’t tell them why.” She gives me a knowing look, but doesn’t ask. “Those boys are smitten with you, and you hurt them when you blocked them out.”

  I shrug, unwilling to talk about my freak out. She squeezes my arm where it rests on the table.

  “Let someone in Indy, I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you are going to have to. Those boys want you to, so lean on them.” I stare down at my food.

  “What if they leave?” I ask quietly.

  “You are too smart for this. They won’t leave, they are hooked. You have to give someone a chance Indy, before you turn into a hermit. You might be able to fool some idiots into thinking you’re okay with your fake smile, but they see through that. As do Barrott, Cain, and I.” I don’t answer straight away. I thought I was doing well hiding it from them.

  “I’ve only known them a day,” I mumble.

  “Some people you can know for a lifetime and never have that kind of bond, or be that comfortable. Others you can know for hours and you just know it's right. Like you’ve known them forever.” It’s true, I feel like I’ve known them so long, how is that possible?

  “When did you get so smart?”

  “When my best friend broke and decided to close herself off from the world.” Her voice is soft, and full of sadness. I look at her and see the tears swimming in her eyes.

  “I didn’t just lose them that day Indy, I lost you too. You’ve never been the same and that’s okay, you shouldn’t be. But I have to watch as you destroy yourself, taking stupid risk after stupid risk. Closing yourself off from everyone. It hurts, you’re like my sister. I miss you.”

  I want to apologize. I want to let her in, but I can’t. I’m just sitting staring at the girl whose heart I broke. I didn’t even know I was doing it. I thought I was helping her by not letting her see how damaged I was, but looking into her eyes, now I see that I hurt her even more. Is that really what I’m doing, trying to destroy myself? I think back over the last year and all the stupid stuff I have done. I just wanted to feel alive, but I can imagine how it must look to her. The number of times she’s had to patch me up or stand by as I take the risks. I frown. Yeah, I would hate to watch her do that, but I can’t change who I am. Not even for her. This new me is who I have to become to survive losing my parents. Maybe I could tone it down a little though, for her? She interrupts my morbid thoughts.

  “They might surprise you Indy, let them.” With that, she offers me a sympathetic smile and heads home to see her dad. I groan, and look at my food. I just wanted to get by one day at a time, but it looks like that plan is crumbling down around me. What to do? I don’t want to see the pity on their faces. I wouldn’t trust Cain with this, and Barrott? I sigh again. He knows, and pushes me to let him in, but what if I do and he sees how damaged I really am? No, it's better keeping it to myself. I just hope they let me.

  TRANSMISSION LOG 00305

  DATE: 2033

  MISSION: 43, COLONY

  SHIP: DAWNBREAKER

  DESTINATION: AYAMA

  >…………… Accepted

  >There was an attack last night in the crew quarters. They painted their symbol on the wall. We have managed to keep it from the rest of the colony but if these attacks continue, they will soon find out. Guards have heard rumours of secret meetings between the rebels. Please advise on how to proceed?

  DAY 913

  The brothers are waiting outside my unit when I get there, matching smiles on their faces. My brain stops when I see they both have dimples. I’m done for. My smile is instantaneous, my bad mood from my conversation with Effie wiped away. My girly bits perk up again as I eye them. It really isn’t fair to be that good looking.

  “We buzzed, but the parentals must be out,” Auden says happily. My steps falter, but I manage to carry on. It’s strange; them not knowing about my parents, I’m so used to everyone just knowing. It’s refreshing, but I wonder how long until they find out? I’m not a fool, I know it will be mentioned in passing or they will overhear, I’m just trying to make the most of the time they don’t know. Before that knowing look that people give you comes into their eyes, before they know me as the orphan girl, not Indy.

  I don’t say anything, but scan my hand and let them follow me in. I flounce down on the sofa and watch as they drop their stuff on the floor. I raise my eyebrows at the bags. It sends a pang into my chest, which I quickly push away.

  “In case we end up staying again,” Eldon says matter of factly. He presses the button on the living room wall, and the holo-screen raises from the floor. Auden lays down next to me, his feet hanging over the back of the sofa and his head in my lap. Eldon turns around and spots his brother. He shakes his head, but comes to sit on my other side.

  “Which one of you two is the oldest?” I ask, stroking Auden’s hair.

  “Guess.” He smiles up at me.

  “What do I win if I’m right?” They both grin at me when I say that, those evil little dimples flashing at me.

  “What do you want?” I ignore the underlying meaning to his words.

  “You two have to be my little servants for a day.” Auden laughs, but agrees. Eldon’s face shutters for a moment, a faraway look coming into his eyes. I frown, and reach out to touch his thigh. He jumps, then looks at me, his happy personality soon returning, and he offers me a small smile. I know about hiding pain, so I pretend I didn’t see anything.

  “Hmmm, I’d have to say Eldon is the oldest.” His smile widens.

  “Correct, good looking, only by a year. He got the age, I got the beauty.” Auden wiggles his eyebrows at me. I shake my head and continue running my hands through his silky hair. Eldon ignores us and puts on a movie. He leans back and wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me to his side.

  “So, are you two downers?” I ask. I’m really curious; it’s next to never that someone’s rank changes.

  Auden offers me an unreadable look, he glances at his brother then me again
.

  “Yeah. Our dad is a mechanic. He got promoted, so we ended up moving up. Lucky us, right?” His voice sounds bitter and holds a warning, about what I'm not sure.

  “Don’t like downers?” Eldon’s voice is stern, and he’s turned to stone against me.

  “I have no problem with anyone. I think it’s stupid how we are divided. The whole point in coming to space and travelling to Ayama was a fresh start. Everyone should have one, no rules and societal expectations defining their limitations,” I make sure to stare at Eldon. He turns and looks at me, and whatever he sees on my face softens his.

  “Sorry good looking, we are used to being judged. Not everyone up here is happy with our move. I wish you were right.” His voice is quiet, but it echoes with hurt.

  “Fuck them,” my voice is hard and makes him flinch.

  “What?” He sounds surprised at my outburst.

  “If they don’t like it, fuck them. Don’t let them know it bothers you, rise above it. They will fall with petty feelings and gossip.” My words echo my Mother’s and I swallow hard, pushing down the memories. Eldon stares at me, his face serious.

  “How do we do that?” He asks it softly, almost afraid.

  “Easy. Why do you care what they think? Do you love them? Are they your friends or family? If the answer is no, then it doesn’t matter, they don’t define your self-worth. Showing them that they don’t affect you takes away any power they have over you. And that’s what they want, power. It’s what it all comes down to. They think they are better, and you letting them get to you offers them validation. It will only eat you up, instead, let it eat them up. You moving up makes them question themselves, so they try and put you down to remain feeling powerful.” I turn back to the screen and watch the film. I can feel them both staring at me. Eldon leans down and kisses my cheek.