by Lane, Cheryl
“This was a wedding present, from me to you. It goes with the wedding ring. They have both been passed down through my father’s family for many generations. My father gave them to my mother, and before that, my grandfather had given them to my grandmother. They were a wedding present each time, so they are a wedding tradition. This necklace was called the Wellington Cross, since it passed through the Wellington family. My great great-grandfather even named the plantation after it.”
“Oh, Ethan. It’s so beautiful.” I was so happy that I could remember something as an adult. I felt slightly nauseous I had let the ring go, which I now knew was a family heirloom and belonged in a set with the ring, but I tried not to think about that but concentrate on this moment instead.
Ethan was standing so close that our shoulders touched. He offered to put the necklace on me. “May I?” I nodded silently. He moved around to my backside and gently put the necklace around my neck and clasped it while I held up my bun. His hands gently touched my skin lightly, making me feel tingly and giving me cold chills. I was starting to get grown-up feelings. I held my breath while he finished. Once the necklace was clasped, he returned to face me and looked down into my eyes. He gently put one hand on my chin and drew his face slowly towards mine, as if he were going to kiss me. My heart beat in earnest with anticipation.
Before he could, however, his mother came into the room holding Lillie. “Ethan – oh, I’m so sorry, dears. I didn’t mean to intrude,” she apologized. I quickly turned around and moved away from Ethan a little. His hand fell away from my face, but otherwise he didn’t move and didn’t seem embarrassed at his mother finding us so intimate. I felt his hand touch mine. My heart was still beating like a race horse.
“I just wanted to let you know that the old mare just gave birth to a colt,” Clarissa said.
Lillie reached out for me when she saw me. My heart melted once again. “May I?” I asked, letting go of Ethan’s hand and walking towards her. I had missed her.
“Of course,” Ethan and Clarissa both said simultaneously.
I took her in my arms, snuggled her up close to me, closed my eyes and smelled her sweet skin. We then smiled at each other, and I kissed her on the forehead. Ethan had walked over to us, and he also kissed Lillie on the forehead, his face close to mine. As he straightened back up, he looked at my lips and then into my eyes, as if he regretted not being able to kiss me earlier. He then took my free hand. “Come on, let’s go to the stables.” He seemed as excited as a little boy at Christmas.
We followed Clarissa out the carriage-front door, passed by the bachelor’s quarters, over towards the coach house. Walking through the coach house, there were stables over to the left, and we entered through an open door. Jake and Zeke stood by one of the stalls, and we found a mare that lay licking her new baby. Elizabeth was there, as well, sitting in the stall on top of a bale of hay. She was wearing an old dirty dress and had a smudge of dirt on her cheek.
“Ethan, it was so excitin’. I helped Jake birth her. There was nothin’ like it.” She smiled excitedly at Ethan, but then her smile faded when she saw that I was holding Lillie in my arms and that I was also holding Ethan’s hand. She turned pale, and I thought she might faint or heave. I hadn’t even realized we were still holding hands. I let go of his and casually patted Lillie on the back, looking away from Elizabeth. It seemed that her surliness from the previous evening had faded, and she genuinely felt rejected. It made me feel like I was breaking up a marriage and that I was the scornful lady of ill repute.
Ethan could sense my uneasiness and clasped his hands in front of him. He addressed Elizabeth, “How wonderful, Elizabeth. The colt looks healthy.”
“Oh, she is. She’s a beauty.” Her smile returned again and some of her color came back while talking about the horses. I could see that the woman truly enjoyed her life here on the plantation. It distressed my heart, just a little.
“We’re off for a ride. Care to join us?” Ethan asked her. I held my breath, hoping she would decline.
I watched Elizabeth’s face turn into a frown again, and she looked down at the ground. “No, I…I’ve been up since before daylight, so I’m not feeling like a ride just now. You go on ahead without me, but take a proper chaperone.” She raised one eyebrow and looked directly at me before she turned her attention back to the horses again, patting the colt’s neck. I was relieved that she declined but worried about her asking that we take a chaperone. It really wasn’t any of her business. We had been married before. Yet perhaps it was for that very reason that she chose to say that. She was jealous.
Ethan guided me down the stables, out of Elizabeth’s listening ears, and Clarissa followed us. “I’ll take Lillie,” Clarissa said, taking her from my arms. “Don’t you worry about a thing. Go on and have your ride, just the two of you. You don’t have to take a chaperone,” she winked at me. “Elizabeth is just jealous. I’ll take care of Lillie. You go and enjoy your time together.”
“Thank you, Mother,” Ethan said, kissing her and then Lillie on their foreheads. We began to prepare two horses for the ride. The horse I had brought from the Washington’s, which was named Cinnabar, was already getting used to the other horses. She was in a stall right next to Ethan’s horse, a big black male horse named Blackfoot. We saddled them up and headed out of the stables.
Ethan led the way out, me riding side-saddle, heading off on a path past the vegetable garden and the field of sunflowers down towards the river. We turned to the right and rode past the old damaged dock, and past the hill where the gazebo stood. At some point, the dogs saw us and began following us. We rode on for what seemed like a long way close to the river, sometimes through thick trees. The path was much cooler through the trees, and we slowed down to enjoy it. On the other side of the woods, we continued close to the river, and Ethan slowed down and drew his horse to a halt. I did the same, glad for a break. The only sounds were of the gentle lapping of the river against the shore, some sea gulls, and faraway frogs.
Ethan got off his horse and then helped lift me off of mine, his hands lingering on my waist. Reluctantly, he let go and pulled a blanket out of his saddle and spread it out on the ground close to the water’s edge. We both sat down facing the water and were quiet for a few moments, watching the water lap against the small rocks. The dogs lay down nearby, panting in the shade.
“Do you remember playing out here as kids? We used to skip rocks across the water, fish, and even swam a few times.”
“Yes, I do,” I said, grinning. “Do you remember throwing a frog on me once?”
“I never threw a frog on you,” he protested, feigning innocence.
“Yes, you did. That was the first memory I had of all of us as children. It made me scream.”
“I didn’t throw it on you,” he insisted. “He jumped out of my hands. I couldn’t help it. You were standing too close to me.” He grinned at me.
I grinned back. “Well, I still think you did it on purpose.”
“Did not,” he said. I enjoyed this playfulness. It made me feel more at ease with him, just like when we were young.
“Do you remember the time I fell out of a tree I had been climbing, following you and Jonas as you climbed higher and higher, trying to get away from me?”
“Yes, of course I remember. You scared me to death when you fell,” Ethan said. You didn’t want to be outdone by us boys, so you kept getting higher. When we reached as high as we could go, I turned around and looked down, and saw your foot slip off a branch, and you fell. I felt helpless, watching you fall and not being able to help you. I felt bad that we had climbed so high, knowing you would follow, and then you ended up getting hurt. The fall knocked the wind out of you, so we thought you were dead.”
“You carried me all the way back to my house.”
“Yes, I did. Thankfully, you only broke an arm. I’m sorry, by the way.”
“Don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault. Thank you for taking good care of me and keeping me company.”
I sighed. “I wish I could remember growing up.”
“Your mind is probably blocking out all the bad things that happened during the war and whatever caused you to lose your memory.”
“You may be right.”
He inched closer towards me. “I’ll just have to help you remember all the good things that happened.”
We were quiet for a moment, just looking at each other. My hair must’ve looked a mess, and I was perspiring from the ride and the heat. Ethan took out a handkerchief from his pocket, and dabbed some of the perspiration off of my face. I glanced at his eyes while he did this, feeling embarrassed that he was wiping perspiration off my face, but he just worked meticulously, patting slowly. I swallowed and smiled briefly, feeling nervous at the intimate gesture. The friendship we’d talked about earlier was changing. I started getting grown-up feelings again. He put his handkerchief back away, and I looked out at the river, wondering if he’d try again to kiss me. And then, as if he read my mind, I felt him kiss my cheek softly. I turned my head slowly towards him, and looked into his eyes looking back into mine.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said softly. He was so close. My heart started beating wildly inside, so much that I was sure he could hear it. My throat seemed parched, and my hands were perspiring. I realized that I wanted him to kiss me, but wasn’t sure I had a right to want it, so I said, “Thank you,” and then looked away, back at the water again, pursing my disappointed lips. I was surprised at how quickly my affections for him had changed in me. There was a new stirring deep inside me to be with him. And yet, even though I had a brief memory of us at our wedding, I still wasn’t sure I knew him well enough – not the grown-up Ethan – to justify kissing him just yet. And there was still the nagging thought in the back of my mind that he had married another woman, whom he’d probably had relations with. That those same lips had kissed another woman. I’d have to put those thoughts out of my head.
“I apologize if I have offended you,” Ethan said. “This is difficult for me, as I’m sure it is for you, as well.” I nodded in agreement. He was difficult to resist, in spite of my reservations. “If it helps you feel closer to me, you’re welcome to call me Wellsy, like you used to when we were young,” he said.
I smiled. “Perhaps,” I said simply. That may have been a good idea, but it was the grown-up Ethan I wanted to feel close to at the moment, not the young one. “How old am I?” I asked him, changing the subject and trying to recover my nerves. “When is my birthday?”
“You were born on April 9, and you were 20 on the last birthday I shared with you last year, so you are 21 now.” So, I was 21. Doing the math, I must have been 15 when the war started. “As a matter of fact, the war ended on your birthday. You declared it was the best birthday ever.”
“Oh, how nice! And you’re…?”
“I’m almost 25, same as Jonas.” That would make us almost 4 years apart, and he would’ve been 19 when the war started. And if I was 20 last year, then I was 20 when I got married, and he had been 24.
“When’s your birthday?”
“September 15.” He was actually 23 when we married, since we married in June, before his birthday.
“Tell me more about…our wedding day,” I surprised myself by saying. I wasn’t sure we should talk about such an intimate thing yet, but since I did have a memory of that earlier, I wanted to see if I could remember more. It seemed like a good place to start. I turned towards him, tucking my legs beneath me to one side, careful to keep my legs hidden beneath my skirt.
“All right,” he said, smiling. He turned towards me, stretching his legs out straight and leaning back with one arm bent, supporting his head. He looked completely relaxed. “You wore your mother’s wedding dress, the same dress you saw in the photograph. It had lacy short sleeves and a lot of lace here.” He gestured to the bodice and waist areas. “You were worried you wouldn’t fit into it on our wedding day because your mother was so thin when she married. But you’d lost so much weight during the war, that it was actually too big. You sewed the sides a bit, and it looked beautiful.” He smiled at me and reached his hand up to touch a tendril of my hair that had come out of my pins, gently pushing it off my cheek and placing it behind my ear. His hand lingered, brushing lightly over my cheek. I held completely still. It was such a tiny gesture, but it made butterflies in my stomach. I caught my breath.
He retracted his hand back to his side.
“What else?” I asked, breathlessly.
“We had the wedding outside in the gazebo overlooking the water on a warm summer day, but by the time we finished our vows, a storm blew in, and it got really windy. We had to move everything inside the house, but not before we all got drenched in a downpour.”
“Oh, no!” I started laughing. “That must have been a sight to see. I’ll bet my hair was flattened and my dress ruined.” Actually, a spark of a memory came into my head then. I froze as the memory came in. I remembered having just made the photograph that I saw at the house, which took quite a while to pose and wait for. The wind suddenly whipped my dress around, and I had to hold onto my veil to keep it from blowing away. Before we could get inside the house, here came the rain. It poured buckets. I remember laughing about the rain, instead of getting angry. We got soaked quickly, and Ethan’s hair stuck to his face as we ran to the manor’s river-front door. My hair got wetter and wetter, and my dress stuck close to the crinoline. Despite all the rain being a nuisance, I had still been happy. It felt invigorating after the hot day in the sun. Once we were inside the house, Ethan lured me into the parlor away from everyone else for a moment and took me in his arms, kissing my wet lips deeply. I remember running my hands through his wet hair. The memory ended there.
“Oh, my,” I said, touching my lips.
Ethan was watching me, looking concerned. “Are you all right?”
“Yes, I was having another memory,” I said, blinking and forcing myself to come back to the present. I told him what I saw, everything except for the details of our kiss. He smiled.
“This is good for you,” he said after that. He sat back up and leaned on one arm closer to me, his knees bent. “Spending time with me and talking about our times together is helping you remember, isn’t it? I’m so glad.” He touched my face again, and I touched his, as well; I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to know when he had changed from a boy into this man I saw before me. His beard and sideburns felt soft. My stomach danced around again as I traced his face with my fingers, searching his face for answers, trying to remember the laugh lines, the tan skin from being out in the sun working in the fields, the amber of his eyes, the color of rich dark honey. His dark hair that fell over his ears felt moist with perspiration from the ride, and my hand slipped easily through his hair, similar to the memory I just had when it was wet from the rain. He stopped my hand with his own and held it, his face moving closer to mine. I knew he was going to kiss me, and this time, I was going to let him. I wanted to experience what I had in my flashback. He slowly drew his lips to mine, and I closed my eyes and held my breath, heart pounding. His lips were so sweet on mine.
It was a brief kiss and was over quickly. I opened my eyes to his looking into mine, as if to gauge my reaction. I smiled tentatively, and he kissed me again, deeper this time, his mouth moving softly over mine. He moaned, making me weak. He put his arms around my back, pulling me closer to him, and I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck. His kissing was familiar. It was wonderful and yet terrifying at the same time. I felt like there was another person inside of me trying to take over, wanting desperately to take over, to experience what I had with him in the past. The grown-up Madeline that had been married to the grown-up Ethan.
I stopped the kiss first, and tried to compose myself. I released my hands from around his neck and wiped my mouth of the kisses and the beads of perspiration that had again gathered above my lips. I turned to look out over the water again. I felt a giggle somewhere inside me but held it in. I couldn’t believe we just
did that or how wonderful it felt. And yet, I wondered if it was the right thing to do.
“Ethan, I don’t know if I can do this,” I said. “I…I feel guilty about this. What about Elizabeth?” I was enjoying all of this far too much, wanted it too much. “This is happening too soon, don’t you think?” I said, looking back at him again.
“Don’t worry about Elizabeth. I told her when you arrived yesterday that I still loved you. I have never stopped loving you, Maddie. I have wanted to kiss you since I first saw you in the garden yesterday. You were my wife. It has been very difficult for me to hold back.” He traced the shape of my elbow with his finger, giving me chills. “But I will give you more time if you need it.”
“Thank you,” I said, letting out a sigh. “I just wish I could sort this all out in my head. I wish I could remember you and all that happened between us. It’s so frustrating.” I was starting to get stirrings of old feelings and having new feelings for him at the same time, and it was hard to sort them out. My stomach still felt like it was in knots. And there was still Elizabeth to consider. I didn’t know if I had a right to be having these feelings or kissing Ethan when she was still waiting for him at home.
And yet, I had been married to him first.
Ethan got up abruptly, and walked over to Blackfoot. He took out some biscuits and boiled eggs that were wrapped up in a towel from his satchel, and handed them to me.
“A breakfast picnic, how perfect,” I said breathlessly. I was glad for something to eat. I felt famished after the ride and our brief encounter.
“I thought we might get hungry after riding. Miss Cora made them early this morning.”
“Did you happen to bring any water? I’m parched.”
“Of course.” He went back over to his horse and brought back a canteen, handing it to me. I gulped half of it down and then handed it back to him.
“Thank you,” I said, wiping my mouth.
Ethan took a drink and then asked, “How about a swim like old times?”