Wellington Cross (Wellington Cross Series)

by Lane, Cheryl

  In the late afternoon, since I hadn’t eaten all day, my stomach finally decided it needed something to eat. I dressed nice for supper, my last meal at Wellington Cross. I felt like wearing black, since I considered myself to be in mourning, but knew that wouldn’t be proper. Instead, I wore the satiny green dress that Ethan had bought for me on our honeymoon. I wanted Ethan to get a good look at what he was giving up, so I had to look my best.

  When I reached the hall downstairs, Clarissa wanted to talk with me in private, so we went into the master study and sat on the sofa. We talked quietly about the situation with Elizabeth, and I told her that Ethan wanted to be close to Elizabeth’s baby, and that I would have to leave the plantation and go live in my old home with Jonas. She was sympathetic about it and hugged me.

  “Would you bring Lillie over to see me every day,” I asked her.

  “Yes, of course,” she agreed.

  “I think it would be easier for me that way,” I said. “It would be painful to see Ethan every day and not be able to be with him. Does that make sense? I don’t mean that in a rude way; I’m just trying to get through this the best way I can.”

  “Oh, my dear, I do understand. I was so hoping you and Ethan could be together again. I’m so sorry things have turned out the way they have for you…after you’d just gotten back your memory back, too.” I nodded. “I would be pleased to see you every day, if that’s what you really want. And I know Lillie will enjoy her time with you, as well. I only wish I’d found you sooner…before Ethan married Elizabeth. You’re welcome here anytime, Madeline. I don’t care what Elizabeth says. You’re still family, and this is my home.” I half smiled at that. “And you’re welcome to come over here and play the piano any time you want. We’d all love that.”

  It was a nice thought, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to visit or play the piano, not as long as Elizabeth was living in this house.

  Clarissa also told me that they would call off the special dinner she had been planning for me, in light of the circumstances. The local people would soon enough recognize who I was without coming to the plantation. Perhaps they’d see me at church, if I went. I was somewhat worried about what people would be murmuring about me. They would wonder where I had been for a whole year. They would learn that Ethan’s new wife was with child, and that I was living with my brother, not even able to live with my own daughter. It would seem bizarre, for sure.

  Clarissa gave me another big hug, and we walked down the hall to the dining room. Ethan was there and looked up when I entered the room, and our eyes met. His were sad, but they brightened a bit upon seeing me, if only for a moment. I wondered if he thought about when he purchased the dress I was wearing and how happy we were. It seemed tortuous to wear it now, when we weren’t happy at all. Elizabeth wasn’t at the table; she must still be perched on the sofa in the sitting room. I was thankful I didn’t have to sit through the meal looking at her gloating face.

  I chose not to sit next to Ethan – that would be too painful – so instead I sat next to Edward on the other end of the table, where Clarissa usually sat, she sat where Ethan usually sat, and Ethan sat next to Lillie, helping her eat. Lillie would have to get used to not having me sit next to her at this table. Luckily, she didn’t protest this time, since I was still at the table, and she had her father’s attention.

  We had some nice leftovers from the dinner meal earlier in the day that I had missed. I ate a little, though my stomach was still upset a bit. I suspected it would remain so for several days, maybe longer, as long as I was upset about having to leave Ethan. It would probably get better once I put some distance between us. At least I would get to see Lillie every day; that would surely help.

  I left the table before dessert, and went upstairs to pack a few things in the trunk that had stored my clothes for a year, weeping silently all the while. I packed the comb, brush and mirror set from my mother, my handkerchiefs, and Ethan’s letters. The letters would remind me that although I was apart from the one I loved, I had been apart from him once before and made it through. Perhaps I would make it through this time, as well. They would also remind me that he did love me…at one time.

  All packed, I wiped my face and headed outside to the gazebo to look over the water one last time…listening to the birds sing their last song of the day before heading to their homes. Home. I’d thought this was my home. I had longed for it for a year till I remembered where it was. Now I was being taken away from it once again, to go back to my childhood home. It seemed like a step backwards, in the wrong direction. My home should’ve been with Ethan. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Ethan could come with me to Magnolia Grove with Lillie, and Elizabeth could stay with Edward and Clarissa? They could take care of her, and Ethan could go over and see his baby over there whenever he wanted. It seemed like a wonderful idea to me, but I knew Ethan wouldn’t go for it. He wouldn’t leave his mother and father and he wouldn’t shirk his responsibility to Elizabeth, pawn her off on his parents, just to suit himself or me. He wasn’t a selfish person. I, however, was. I wanted Ethan and Lillie with me. We all belonged together, and I would’ve done anything to keep us all together. But I had run out of ideas.

  I looked out over the fields and at the house and thought about all the memories I would have to leave behind. So many memories…why couldn’t I have remembered a year ago, or even nine months ago when I first met Jefferson and he showed me my wedding ring? I supposed it was just as well I didn’t have that ring; I couldn’t wear it now anyway. I wondered if Ethan had annulled his marriage to Elizabeth sooner, and re-married me before finding out Elizabeth was with child, would he be so quick to send me away then? Perhaps not, but things being as they were, I’d never get a chance to find out.

  I went back inside and back upstairs and saw Ethan and Zeke moving Lillie’s baby bed and clothes – he was apparently moving back in with Elizabeth. He looked at me only briefly before glancing away guiltily.

  I was still standing there in shock, debating if it was time to leave or not, when he came back down the hall and walked directly to me.

  “Could we talk outside for a moment?” he asked, pointing toward the gazebo I had just vacated. I nodded, though I was dreading the conversation…our last one.

  Once outside, I stood next to the railing of the gazebo, preferring standing to sitting in case I needed to make a quick escape.

  I spoke before he did. “I see you’re moving back in with her.”

  “I’m moving back down to the second floor, yes, but I’m taking my old room – the one you’ve been staying in. I’m not sleeping with her. I told you that I never would again, and I meant it.”

  “Oh.” I was surprised and relieved about that. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t think I could bear seeing you every day, if you brought Lillie over. It would be…most uncomfortable.” I choked out my words, looking down at my hands on the railing. “I think it would be better if your mother brings her. I’ve already asked her and she said she would.”

  I looked over at his pained face. “If that is what you wish,” he said, “but I don’t know if I can let a day go by without seeing you, Maddie.”

  “Please,” I closed my eyes briefly. “Please don’t talk to me intimately anymore. From now on, I am Madeline to you, not your Maddie, and not Mrs. Wellington.” I almost sobbed, but I had to make a clean break, or I’d never get through this.

  He paled, and I began to regret my harshness already. He was quiet for a moment.

  “Actually, I would like to keep your last name, if you don’t mind, since it is also Lillie’s last name.”

  “Of course,” he agreed quietly.

  “And I will always be Lillie’s mother – you may call me that for the rest of my life.”

  “I will still take care of you, if from a distance. If you need anything, please let me know. It would be my honor to help you any way I can.”

  That should have made me happy. A woman likes to be taken care of. Instead, it made me angr
y and frustrated again. If he’d done a better job of taking care of me, I would not have been on that lonesome road with only Fanny, having Lord knows what happen to me to end up with no memory for a year and Fanny nowhere to be found. This was yet another thing I’d have to forgive him for.

  And so my tone turned bitter again. “You know how it rained on our wedding day? I think that was a bad sign.”

  “How can you say that? Our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to us, besides Lillie.”

  “Maybe so, but if it hadn’t rained, hadn’t been a bad sign, then perhaps we’d still be married and there would not have been Elizabeth or Jefferson or anything else separating us.”

  He mulled that over uncomfortably. “Promise me you’ll be careful and watch yourself…Jeff is still out there. I will ride by every day to check on you. Since you don’t wish to see me, could you leave me a sign on the porch that I could see in the distance that would let me know you’re all right? Perhaps a red cloth or something bright? Please, Madeline, allow me the honor of checking to make sure you’re safe.”

  “I don’t think so, Ethan. I’ll not be your courtesan. You’re welcome to ask your mother how I’m doing, as she will see me every day.” After a pause, I added acidly, “Perhaps if I do see Jefferson again, I’ll take him up on his offer of proposal, now that I’m a free woman.”

  After kissing Lillie goodbye, I walked down the entrance hall towards the carriage-front door. Clarissa, Ethan and Lillie were seeing me off. Jake had already packed my trunk on my small carriage and tied Cinnabar up to it for me. I turned to say goodbye one last time.

  “Mama,” Lillie cried out, reaching for me. It broke my heart and took all my strength not to go pick her up in my arms and take her with me. Ethan’s eyes filled with tears. I blew them all a kiss, swiped away my own hot tears quickly, and walked out the door. My heart stayed.

  Chapter 18

  Magnolia Grove

  At Ethan’s insistence, he followed behind me on Blackfoot until we reached my brother’s plantation. Once I reached the manor, Jonas came out on the porch.

  “Madeline!” he yelled. He looked at Ethan in the distance with a confused look on his face, and waved at him. I turned and looked back at Ethan, and waved sadly as he took off back towards Wellington.

  “What’s going on?” he asked.

  I explained the situation to him as he helped me unload my trunk into the house. Jonas then took Cinnabar and the carriage over to the stables where his horse was. It was beginning to get dark. I heated a kettle over the fire in the kitchen house for some hot tea, and once it was ready, took it outside to sit on the river-side porch. There were two new rockers there, one of which I sat down on. I let the tea cool while I thought about what I was going to do now. How was I supposed to live my life without the man I loved? It had been different when I’d lost my memory. I didn’t know what I was missing…who I was missing. This time, I did.

  Jonas interrupted my thoughts, coming out on the porch with his own cup of tea.

  “Mind if I join you?” he asked, sitting down on the other rocker, which he pulled up close to mine.

  “No, it’s fine,” I said. “I could use the company. The rockers are nice. Did you make them?”

  “Yes, I did. I have to keep myself busy around here.” He put his hand on top of mine, which was resting on the rocker arm. “Don’t worry, little sis. Things will work out.”

  “I keep hearing that, but when’s it really going to happen?” I asked, exasperated. “I’ve been hearing it since I first woke up with no memory a year ago. I thought it was going to work out then, but I didn’t get all my memory back for a year. A whole year of wondering who I was, where I had come from, and who I loved. Then, when I finally remembered who I was, where I wanted to live, and who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, it was all taken away from me again. I have no idea what I’m going to do.” I felt tears sting my eyes.

  “You’ll take it one day at a time, just like I have been doing since I lost Lucy,” he said quietly, setting his cup of tea down on the porch floor. I put my other hand on top of his, looking at the pain he still had in his eyes, telling me he still had not gotten over her death completely. “And after a while, it won’t hurt as much.” He knew from experience. “I know I wasn’t married to her, and we didn’t have a child, but I did love her very much. You’ll still get to see Lillie Rose, right? Every day?” I nodded. “That will help, too. Children have a way of taking your mind off of anything else, or so I’ve been told.”

  I wondered if he regretted not having children. “Do you wish you’d had a child with Lucy?” I asked.

  He answered without hesitating. “Yes, I do. If I had known what was going to happen to her, I would have married her before going back to the war, and brought her back here to live with you. She would have been safe, and we could have had children. Lillie could’ve had a cousin by now.” He had a lot of regrets.

  “You can’t blame yourself for her death. You had no idea she would get killed. It was war, a terrible time for us all. What if it had been the other way around, and she had survived and you’d been killed in the war. Then she’d be a widow and she’d be the one hurting. And if she’d been with child, she would be raising it alone now.”

  “Sometimes I wish it had been me that died.”

  “Oh, Jonas. Don’t say that.” I squeezed his hand.

  “Especially after I thought you had died, too. I’ve been terribly lonely, Maddie. It’s been awful living with the ghosts of my past in this big old house.”

  We were quiet for a moment. “At least you get to be an uncle, and now you’ll get to see your niece and your dear sister every day.” That got a smile out of him. “We’ll keep you company, I promise.” It was funny how our conversation helped me feel better about my own situation. I had someone to talk to who had gone through something similar. “I really appreciate you letting me stay here. I know it’s a bit of a shock.”

  “Of course I don’t mind,” his mood brightened again. “As you say, it’ll be nice to have company, nice to have my little sis around again, just like old times.” Yes, I thought, except Ethan wouldn’t be there in the midst of us.

  Jonas helped me carry the trunk upstairs. I picked my old room to sleep in. It was exactly as I had kept it before I married, a 4-poster bed with mauve bed coverings, a highboy chest, one window with a view of the big old oak tree and the river, and I had the balcony that ran along the river-side of the manor. The wardrobe I used to have in the corner was gone, as it had to be used for firewood during wartime. I knew I would be marrying Ethan after the war, so I didn’t mind sacrificing it so much. Ethan…how would I ever get him out of my mind?

  Since I arrived unexpectedly, the bed had no linens save for the bedspread, and there was none to be found in the house, since we used those during the war for bandages. Since it was very warm, I would just sleep on top of the spread. I tried not to think about the crisp white sheets over at Wellington in Ethan’s bedchamber. I consoled myself with the fact that at least Elizabeth didn’t get to sleep on them.

  I tried going to sleep, pushing up the window and opening the balcony door a little to listen to the crickets and allow a cool breeze, but thoughts of Ethan kept pushing their way into my mind. I longed to be with him, to feel his arms around me once more. It was so very hard to stay away from the person you loved more than life itself. This must be similar to how Ethan felt when I was gone. It was even worse for him, not knowing where I was or what had happened to me, thinking that I had died, that he could never be with me again. He must have felt miserable without me, the same as I feel now. I could see how he would feel like he couldn’t go on. I could commiserate with his pain now. Surely I would feel even worse than I do now if I’d thought he was dead.

  I could understand how I might feel if, for example, he had not returned from the war. I would have thought him dead. Would I have eventually sought comfort in another’s arms, the way Ethan did with Elizabeth? Would
I have sought someone to take my mind off the pain, take my mind off the one I pined for, the same way Lizzie Rowland pined for her beau who didn’t return? Would I have married Jefferson if I had thought Ethan died in the war? I didn’t know the answers to those questions, but I could be a little more understanding with Ethan about the situation than I had been before.

  Sleep finally found me when I came to the realization that at least Ethan was not dead, was not lost, and I knew where he was and that he was safe. And that gave me some measure of comfort that he did not have for a whole year.

  The next day, and I began to think of things to do to help me take my mind off of Ethan. I could help take care of Lillie, of course, do some gardening and let her help me, go for strolls – I would have to ask Clarissa to bring the baby carriage over on pretty days. I could help Jonas in the fields and could help him repair the carriage house and anything else that needed repairing if he would let me. There should be plenty of ways to distract me.

  I certainly wouldn’t be taking care of servants or sharecroppers at Wellington, like Ethan had wanted. I supposed he would handle them now. The realization of that made me sad. He had truly wanted to include me in running the plantation before Elizabeth’s accident. I couldn’t think about that right now. I was supposed to be thinking of things to distract me from thoughts like that.

  I remembered that there used to be an arbor covered with grapes on the other side of the laundry house. I would have to get over there and see if any of the grapes were still intact. If not, I could redo the whole thing. Grapes would be fine for eating and perhaps making wine. I could also ask Clarissa for small cuttings of their roses and lilies, and then I could add a flower garden beside the grapes and call it Lillie’s garden. There also used to be short boxwood bushes lining a path between the grape arbor and the laundry house.